I am short, stocky, and average-looking.
Though I knew it was more important to be healthy than pretty, I wanted to be tall, pretty, and slim like my Barbie dolls and the lead actresses on TV.
So, around the age of 18, I decided that I wanted to change my appearance. Instead of my usual t-shirts and jeans, I started dressing more fashionably, wearing accessories, hats, and jackets. I also started wearing make-up whenever I went out. However, make-up could only cover my flaws, not change them.
In my early 20s, I met with an aesthetic doctor to talk about possible procedures to enhance my facial features. But after considering the risks and regular Botox injections required, I shelved the idea. Aside from changing my looks, I also wanted to change my body shape, but the doctor could not suggest any procedure that I was comfortable with.
On top of wishing that I were more attractive, I secretly wished to have a boyfriend. Many of the girls in school who had boyfriends were pretty, and I assumed that I did not have one because I was not good-looking. I was also shy and thought that pretty girls were confident, sociable, and popular because of their looks.
I HATED GOD AND FELT THAT HE WAS NOT FAIR. HE MADE SO MANY GIRLS PRETTY BUT NOT ME.
I simply could not understand Psalm 139:14, which says that we are all “fearfully and wonderfully made.” I felt that it did not relate to me. I was upset and told God, “You must be kidding me. If I am really carefully and wonderfully made, I would have been a pretty sweet young lady.”
It was not until I came across Proverbs 31:30 one day during my quiet time that I realized how God was speaking to me. It says, “Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting, but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.”
God is not looking for someone charming or beautiful, but for someone who fears Him. This verse humbled me and made me realize how superficial I had been by focusing only on temporal beauty. God had never condemned me; I was the one who condemned myself because I felt ugly.
Though I still do not know why God made some girls pretty and not others, I know we are safe when we run to Him with our feelings. His word speaks truth to satisfy the void in us. He made each of us exactly the way He meant us to be, in order to fulfill our unique individual calling and purpose.
Now, although I am still tempted to wish for physical beauty whenever I see someone pretty, I remind myself that the world’s definition of beauty is not God’s definition of beauty. I do not need to be pretty to be confident, but my confidence is in God, who assures me that I am perfectly made by Him (Psalm 139:14) and my identity is in Him.
This is adapted from an article originally published on YMI. Adapted and republished with permission.
