Jessica Harris, author, blogger, international speaker, and creator of beggarsdaughter.com, is passionate about helping young women find hope and freedom in their sexual struggles. Her book Beggar’s Daughter: From the Rags of Pornography to the Riches of Grace chronicles the struggles of her years-long journey with pornography and her road to healing.
Kallos: During this pandemic, most students would find themselves stuck at home with a lot of time on their hands and may desire to watch porn. Do you have any advice on finding healthy distractions from emotional triggers such as boredom and loneliness?
Jessica: This pandemic has created some unique circumstances for so many of us. It is a “perfect storm” for women who struggle because it forces us to contend with so many triggers like anxiety, fear, uncertainty and even hopelessness while also upsetting our routines, cutting us off from community and limiting the activities we can do. However, it’s very important that we start with the truth of 1 Corinthians 10:13. It says that God is faithful and He will not only keep us from being tempted beyond our ability, but that He will also provide a way to escape.
I think, too often, we consider distractions the same thing as escaping temptation and they aren’t. So, lack of distraction and boredom are not excuses for giving in to temptation.
We don’t find freedom in distracting ourselves from sin; we find freedom in fleeing sin and finding healing. I would encourage women to press in to those hurting places and really do some hard work with God in this time. If loneliness is a trigger, for instance, press in to ‘Why?’ Are there lies there that you are believing in? Then, what is God’s truth? As you work on letting God heal those places, work on fighting the trigger as well. Reach out to friends. Find a way to stay connected. Give yourself something to look forward to every day. See this as a Sabbath, in a way. A chance to have your soul refreshed.
WE DON'T FIND FREEDOM IN DISTRACTING OURSELVES FROM SIN; WE FIND FREEDOM IN FLEEING SIN AND FINDING HEALING.
Kallos: With the prevalence of social media, one doesn’t necessarily need to go to porn sites to have lustful thoughts. What are some safe markers that one can put in place?
Jessica: Pornography is everywhere, but it’s important to understand that we can have lustful thoughts even without seeing any kind of content. Plenty of women struggle with making up their own fantasy in their minds. That being said, it’s important that we are always aware of the temptations that are out there. You always want to ask yourself, “Why am I doing this?” Is it to stay connected? Is it because I’m bored? Is it a social media addiction? Is it to encourage other people? Is it to satisfy my own lust? Each woman knows what her unique triggers are. So while having your own boundaries on social media is important, the more important work is learning to take our thoughts captive and to guard our hearts and minds.
Kallos: What do you think about the mindset, “My body, my rights. I’ll wear what I want!” Could dressing in a revealing manner stumble another struggling with a porn addiction?
Jessica: When it comes to modesty, we need to operate from a position of freedom, not fear. Christian modesty messages can make us feel ashamed of our bodies or afraid of our sexuality. Both of those are God-given, good, and not something to be ashamed of. As women, we need to ask ourselves, “What message is this sending?” not “Will this cause someone else to stumble?” The reason is people can “stumble” over very different parts of the body — some people find ears, necks, and feet attractive.
That’s why our motive for modesty has to come from our own desire to honour God with the message we communicate through our dress. If you put on a piece of clothing that you intend to draw sexual attention toward your body, that reveals something about your heart. The first time I met my husband, I was dressed very modestly, but he still found me sexually attractive. The responsibility for controlling his mind was completely his. I didn’t dress in anything provocative or in any way to draw that sort of attention to myself. However, if he had told me, “Jessica, this particular shirt you wear really stirs up sexual feelings” even if the shirt was completely modest, I would have made sure not to wear it around him.
Kallos: How can someone heal from the guilt and shame of failing once again — feeling hopeless, especially in this time of lockdown where it seems to be a never-ending cycle?
Jessica: Healing can only come from an encounter with Jesus. The issue is when we are hopeless, struggling with guilt and shame, many of us turn away from God. We assume He’s mad at us, frustrated with us, and sick and tired of us “messing up”. But that’s not the message of the gospel. The devil would love us to believe that we’re hopeless and that God is disgusted with us, but that’s not truth. We have to stand on the fact that God’s mercies are new every morning and we have to take responsibility for our part in the fight against sin. I would certainly encourage women to start by studying Romans 6–8. I call these “the freedom chapters” and they are rich with truth about grace and freedom from shame and condemnation.
THE DEVIL WOULD LOVE US TO BELIEVE THAT WE’RE HOPELESS AND THAT GOD IS DISGUSTED WITH US, BUT THAT’S NOT TRUTH.
Kallos: For people who are struggling with both internal and external triggers, and have the mindset, “Just muscle through it, ignore it, and it will go away” — do you have any advice or words of encouragement for them?
Jessica: I think it’s important that we look at this struggle through the mindset of healing. We so often frame pornography and lust as “a bad thing we do that we just need to stop” and we neglect the damage it is causing in our lives and the damage in our lives that may be drawing us into this. Too often when we muscle through it and ignore it, what we’re really doing is numbing ourselves and adopting a calloused coping strategy. We close ourselves off and refuse to address the issue and may even start lashing out at people who want to help us, even God. That’s not the life He longs for us to have. He wants us to heal, and we can’t do that by ignoring pain.
It’s also important to realise a sex drive is different from a trigger. Desiring sex is not wrong and is not the same as lust. A desire for sex is healthy and needs to be acknowledged and entrusted to God. We need to recognise that sex itself is good and God’s idea. That mindset can also help us as we battle temptation because we can ask ourselves, “Is this the way God wanted it?” And if the answer is no, then we need to deal with that accordingly.
Want to know more?
Find more resources from Jessica Harris at beggarsdaughter.com, or read her book, Beggar’s Daughter.
