Alicia Heng – Kallos

Love & Sexuality: How Do I Find Contentment In Singlehood?

Alicia Heng — Sun, 24 Nov 2019 04:00:00 +0000

“How do I find contentment in singlehood?”

In my secondary school days, I was the kind of girl who could never go for long without being in a relationship. Over time, after going through multiple breakups and purposeless relationships I thought: “What is the point of being in relationships if they do not end in marriage?” The emotional issues I had to deal with each time a relationship ended were draining and affected me in unhelpful ways. This made me more cautious toward entering a relationship flippantly, and I started thinking about the purpose of relationships and marriage.

Contentment in singlehood begins when you have a personal conviction that have a personal conviction that you not need to be in a relationship to be happy. I learnt that no human being, not even the “right guy” can make me contented all the time. We are setting ourselves up for disappointment and heartbreak if we think romantic relationships complete us.

When my purpose in life was not fixated on finding love and happiness from being in a relationship, I found happiness from many more things. Spending time with good friends, having great conversations over meals, having fun singing (or screaming) crazily at karaoke, attending youth camps and interesting church workshops, pursuing my interest in soccer, and serving in my church’s children and youth ministries – these were memorable and meaningful things that made me thankful to be alive, happy and contented. What are some meaningful interests and activities you desire to pursue? God does bless you with seasons and opportunities to cultivate these interests and grow in your personal development and fulfilment.

Yes, at the end of the day, I still yearned for a relationship. But I was aware that my inner restlessness and emptiness could only be deeply touched when I spent time with God, whether it was in prayer, journalling, listening to Him from His Word, or soaking in His presence in worship. Pursue God-give opportunities, but spend time with Him daily, and let Him enrich your life greatly! Whatever your age, singlehood can definitely be a rich and deeply satisfying experience when you let God show you how fruitful it can be.

Love & Sexuality: What Does It Mean To Be Sexually Pure?

Alicia Heng — Tue, 24 Sep 2019 04:00:00 +0000

“What does it mean for us to stay sexually pure in a relationship?”

This is such an important question, and we value your desire to honour God in your relationship. Fundamentally, staying sexually pure is a commitment motivated by love for others and a desire to honour God. You seek to cherish the other because you recognise them as God’s sacred creation (Gen 1:27; Ps 139:13–18). As sexual relations bond two beings in the deepest way as one, the Bible teaches us that it should be reserved for the context of a covenant marriage (Mark 10:6–9; Heb 13:4).

Practically, sexual purity is not simply tied to a particular behaviour or action. For example, you could refrain from having actual intercourse with your boyfriend, but if you then channel those desires into other physically intimate acts or fantasies about physical intimacy with him, that’s not purity the way Jesus talks about.

Remember that in Matthew 5:28, Jesus says, “But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart”. Clearly, purity according to Jesus is not about your actions; it’s about what’s in your heart!

What then can you do to help each other stay sexually pure?

1. Guard against sexual arousal leading to unrestrained physical intimacy

Physical intimate acts at whichever degree can stir up deeper emotions and intense sexual desires. Arousing each other in this way makes it difficult to stay sexually pure physically and mentally. Thus, Song of Songs 8:4 instructs us, “do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires” (that is, until it is ready at the right time).

Know what heightens arousal (e.g. deep kissing, caressing, and fondling) and refrain from that by discussing and agreeing on clear boundaries. It is not about suppressing but submitting your desires and affections to God in order to honour God and the one you love.

2. Respect each other’s bodies and emotions

A good guiding question could be, “How can I express love for my boyfriend without claiming more of his body and emotions than I should?” Draw the line at what communicates love respectfully, versus what feeds sexual desires and fantasy. Sexual intimacy is not the only way to express love. Love can be powerfully expressed in listening, forgiving, apologising, encouraging, and so on.

3. Teaming up to fight temptation TOGETHER

Instead of teasing and thus arousing each other sexually, build up your teamwork to fight temptation together. Regularly review your relationship together with a trusted and godly mentor for reinforcement and input.

If your relationship has already crossed certain lines of sexual intimacy, your mentor can pray with you and provide spiritual and emotional support to deal with it. Do not fall into a spiral of self-condemnation but seek forgiveness from each other. Again, discuss the issue with your boyfriend, share your feelings and draw up helpful boundaries together. Seek God together and invite Him to lead.

Love & Sexuality: How Do You Know If A Guy Is “The One” God Has Given You?

Alicia Heng — Fri, 24 May 2019 04:00:00 +0000

“How do you know if a guy is “the one” God has given you?”

This is a question that I’m sure most girls have! I affirm your desire to discern God’s “right guy” for you, but the truth is that there isn’t just that “one” guy for you who, if missed, would make anyone else a wrong choice. That said, there are some things to consider when praying and thinking about whether a guy is a good choice for you:

1. Calling

... in terms of identity

As God’s children, we are drawn to love Him and walk in His ways (1 Pet 2:9; Matt 22:37–38). Does this guy encourage you to love God more and actively seek out people who will help him to love God more?

... in terms of vocation

Some of you may have received a specific calling from God, for example, to be a social worker or a doctor. You don’t need to have the same vocation, but would you be willing and able to affirm and support each other’s callings?

2. Compatibility

Sharing your faith and values is as important as having fitting personalities or “chemistry”. What you believe and what you think is important undergird all your decisions and responses. Are your beliefs, values and life goals compatible?

This is a question that I’m sure most girls have!

3. Communication

Are you both able to be genuine and honest with each other? Can you handle conflicts together in a way that pleases God?

Seeking God first will develop depth in your perspective. As I prayed through my own relationship, God surfaced important issues we had to work through, and it was through the passage of time, understanding each other better, and finding alignment in our faith, values and goals that I sensed God affirming me to say, “Yes” when my boyfriend proposed.

On top of that, the input we can get from our church leaders, pastors and parents are invaluable and should not be overlooked. They can often see things about ourselves and our relationships that we are not able to see. Don’t be afraid to seek their advice and be open to what they have to say.

So, keep asking God every step of the way. And remember that even if you take a “wrong” step. He will surely redirect you to the right path (Psa 139:23-24).