Benita Lim – Kallos

What Music Taught Me About Being A Girl

Benita Lim — Tue, 01 Jun 2021 10:31:00 +0000

If music were your teacher, what would it be teaching you?
BENITA LIM reveals why discernment matters when listening to music.

Growing up, my favourite girl group was the Spice Girls. They defied conventional pop group stereotypes of being just cute, pretty, or sexy (or all of
the above), and were singers with unique ‘personalities’. Their songs were catchy and fun, and often celebrated ‘girl power’.

As pop stars heavily marketed by one of the biggest global music labels, they
became heroines of girls both young and old in many parts of the world.

THE MUSIC EFFECT

Studies have shown that music influences our emotions, and lyrics, when we connect with them, have the ability to impact our well-being. What makes things more complex is that music today is more than what we listen to. It has evolved into a multi-billion-dollar industry and a multi-sensory experience. Artistes do not only write and perform music; they also try to create viral music videos, appear on different visual platforms such as TV programmes, become brand ambassadors, and create social media profiles so as to connect with their fans on a more ‘personal’ level.

WHAT DOES THE MUSIC THAT YOU HEAR, SEE, AND SCROLL THROUGH TELL YOU?

WHAT A GIRL WANTS

It seems that popular music often teaches us that what a girl really wants is sex and intimacy. A survey of U.S. top-40 hits between 1960 and 2010 showed that
67.3 percent of the lyrics referenced relationships and love, and 29.9 percent
referenced sex and sexual desire! I wouldn’t be surprised if those percentages have gone up even further in the past ten years— songs about sex in particular have only gotten more explicit.

I must admit that I love a good love song. I cannot deny that I, too, desire to hear the guy that I am attracted to one day whisper things like, “You are the only one I’ll ever love,” and “You want me like I want you tonight, baby” (+50 points if he sings it while playing the piano or guitar!). And yet, there have been times when consistently listening to music like that has led me to feelings of intense sadness and even anger at what I seem to be missing out on.

MUSIC IS INDEED A POWERFUL GIFT FROM GOD TO ALL HUMANKIND.

WHAT A GIRL NEEDS

The second thing I’ve observed in today’s music scene is an emphasis on girl power. What does a girl need? Apparently, not men! Let me be clear: music that celebrates empowerment of girls is important. In an analysis of Billboard’s
top 600 songs from 2012 to 2017, out of 1,239 performing artists, only 22.4 percent were women. Seeing the success of female performers and listening to lyrics that highlight the capabilities of girls surely gives us inspiration and encouragement.

It connects with us on many levels and can even help us with our well-being. However, as we have seen, it also teaches and communicates different messages about our needs and wants as girls which may not be fully aligned with what God desires for us. As you enjoy this gift, may you stay attuned to the Spirit’s wisdom for discernment as to what you listen to, see, and scroll through regarding all things music!

She urged me to recognise that I had been carrying a crushing weight of expectations and achievements. Underlying this was pride in my heart, consumed by the pressure to ‘have my life together’ when I had placed my identity in what others thought of me, and not in the One I belong to. Often, our daily preoccupations and emotions suggest who we belong to — a little praise and success lifts us, while a little criticism and failure makes us dispirited. Henri Nouwen puts it this way in The Return of the Prodigal Son: “All the time and energy I spend in keeping some kind of balance and preventing myself from being tipped over … shows that my life is mostly a struggle for survival: not a holy struggle, but an anxious struggle resulting from the mistaken idea that it is the world that defines me.”

I sought time with the Lord and asked for grace that I would be open and tender to His voice as He revealed the offensive ways in me and led me in His ways. In the secret place, I was deeply met with the revelation that there is no striving or performance in His love. With this encountered truth, I desired to turn from my ways of self-sufficiency and pride and to be set free from the need to prove myself with this constant striving and achieving. By my own strength I had tried to carry the weight of my expectations and the pressures of succeeding; but God knows our frame, and He doesn’t ask us to be more than who He has created and called us to be.

There are some weights not for us to carry and some that we are to let go of. Hebrews 12:1 says, “Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us” (ESV). Run the race that is set before us — not the rat race with its concomitant pressures and expectations, but the race in light of what God has called and redeemed us for.

As the striving and stress began to be replaced with such freedom and light, I found starting the day or study time with prayer helped to anchor me in the Lord. With God’s leading, I began to experience anew the joy of studying, of working heartily unto God and not others, and could fully enjoy the times meant for rest. My Jetpack Kal days are now behind me, and before me is a lifetime’s journey of placing my identity in Him and grasping this timeless truth: it is God who defines me, and nothing and no one else.

What Are We (Fighting) Typing For?

Benita Lim — Wed, 16 Sep 2020 03:40:00 +0000

What a year 2020 has been. It has been a constant stream of bad news — of natural disasters and civil unrest in many parts of the world and, of course, the global pandemic of Covid-19 which has created the deepest worldwide economic recession since World War II. All around the world, plans have been frustrated and movements restricted by lockdowns and travel bans. The Internet seems to have become the only sphere where we can freely roam around and shop for our needs and wants; it is where various forms of art such as free museum tours, concerts, and even memes have provided us an oasis of entertainment and escapism.

On the other hand, the Internet also has its own dark side: A battleground where netizens flame others and spread gossip on forums and comment sections, upload content that stir public sentiment, and, increasingly, promote online activism in the face of injustice, both perceived and real. You may have had been angered by the video of how a black American man named George Floyd was killed by police officers needlessly and because of this got alerted to the Black Lives Matter (BLM) movement. #MeToo has been trending for a few years now and shows no signs of slowing down. Influencers have been flamed and “cancelled” after their posts that touched on sensitive issues like sexuality and race riled up netizens.

It’s hard to know what to do. Writing our thoughts or reposting articles may make us vulnerable to critique, draw us into heated debates, and potentially get us shamed or similarly cancelled by random trolls or even people we thought were our friends. But remaining silent may signal to our online communities that we are not “woke” but rather are ignorant, or are complicit for not doing anything about the issues of the day. After a while, it gets exhausting having to scroll through all the intense drama, or sieve through the polarising information to figure out where we ourselves stand on these matters.

REMAINING SILENT MAY SIGNAL TO OUR ONLINE COMMUNITIES THAT WE ARE NOT “WOKE” BUT RATHER ARE IGNORANT, OR ARE COMPLICIT FOR NOT DOING ANYTHING.

While we are not to identify ourselves with the world that has rebelled against God, the reality is that we are in this world (John 17:15–16). But we are also the Holy Spirit-filled body of Christ that is sent to make Him known (John 17:18; Acts 1:8). How then should we engage the world as Christians, especially regarding such matters on social media? As God’s people who are called to do justice and love kindness (Micah 6:8), could we remain silent in the face of all that is happening around us and on our screens? In the face of all these heated discussions online, how are we to respond?

LISTEN.
First of all, we must remember that we are human beings engaging fellow human beings. None of us have all the answers, but we can always actively listen and prayerfully discern. Whenever someone says or posts something, there is always a reason why, valid or not. If you are triggered by what they are posting, do not comment immediately. Take a deep breath, and hold back those fingers. Consider where this person is at in life right now — what could be a possible reason why they are posting about this? On what points do you necessarily agree or disagree? Is there a need for the original poster (OP) to clarify potentially controversial statements?

Social media posts can be one-dimensional as we do not see the whole person behind the post. If this person is a friend, meeting face-to-face may reduce the potential for further misunderstanding, and gives you the opportunity to care for them as a person.

As we graciously ask questions for the sake of listening and understanding, we may find dialoguing more meaningful. For example, someone who may find certain topics a non-issue may have never been exposed to or had a relationship with people who have a very different reality. Listening will help you to realise that an argument that does not provide real-life examples may just fall on deaf ears.

AVOID JUMPING ONTO HASHTAG BANDWAGONS... HAVE YOU DONE ENOUGH RESEARCH TO MAKE A RESPONSIBLE AND CONSTRUCTIVE COMMENT?

LEARN & DISCERN.
After listening to what is behind the OP’s actions or speech, learn — what are these issues really about? Avoid jumping onto hashtag bandwagons; do you know the historical and social reasons behind these issues, and have you done enough research to make a responsible and constructive comment? Reading up on the issue, fact-checking, and speaking to friends or church members who are involved in related fields can also help you be more informed.

In turn, learning will help you to discern how controversies that happen overseas may be relevant to your own context, such as the BLM movement. For example, Singapore does have race-related issues too, but our approach to them requires nuance because we face a rather different context.

Last but not least, consider the platform you are using for your message. Will it achieve your purposes, or will it lead to further misunderstandings? For instance, talking about sensitive topics like homosexuality online may create greater unresolved conflict than real-life conversations. We need God’s wisdom and discernment more than ever.

LOVE.
Social media is designed to encourage “likes” and “shares” as quickly as possible so as to increase online revenue. It has made us more likely to thoughtlessly cancel someone for an unpopular view, or reject seemingly outdated ideas (especially by conservative/older folk) with a dismissive “OK boomer”. Failing to learn, listen, and discern will lead to us reacting too quickly with actions that tear down rather than build up (1 Cor 8:1). When we have already cancelled someone from our lives, how will we be able to share the good news of God’s grace and mercy with them? We must be merciful, for we have received mercy (1 Pet 2:10).

God does not desire for people to be cancelled, but to be prayed for and to understand His truth (1 Tim 2:4). Jesus Christ had compassion on the crowds that were troubled and helpless, “like sheep without a shepherd” (Matt 9:36–38). Jesus walked the ground and actively lived out His love and compassion for people, and His actions gave His words and character full credence. We must therefore ask ourselves as we attempt to respond to views we disagree with — have we been giving these people love apart from disputes? We may win the verbal battle, but if we fail to show God’s love to them as fellow human beings, we are nothing (1 Cor 13:1–3).

TYPE FOR HOPE!
Many issues in this world today are the result of complex reasons from yesterday which cannot be resolved with a click. God grieves along with us for the injustice in this world (Ps 10:14). But as Jesus reminds us that although there will be trouble, He has overcome the world (John 16:33). Let us leave the ultimate judgement to Him (Rom 12:19)!

REMEMBER THIS TOO: THE ONLINE MEDIUM IS NOT THE ONLY CHANNEL TO SPEAK UP OR TAKE ACTION!

However, since Jesus has sent us to the fallen world as His Spirit-filled body, let us do as He did by living with grace, wisdom, and love as a church, as sons and daughters of God. As we reach out, remember this too: the online medium is not the only channel to speak up or take action! So, take the time you need to prepare a response, or take it offline with the other person. Speak to a mature leader about your thoughts. If you feel too overwhelmed, take a break! It is OK to do so. Regardless, do listen, learn and discern, and love the human beings behind the messages. May you, too, grow in God’s grace, wisdom, and love — the very things we are typing for.

What Is Love, Actually?

Benita Lim — Mon, 23 Mar 2020 16:00:00 +0000

Recap: It is the tenth death anniversary of sixteen-year-old May’s mother. As May and her father pay a visit to her grave, May learns more about love through the life her mother lived.

My thoughts were interrupted by a loud sniffle. Dad had seated himself on the side of the tomb, gazing at Mum’s picture as silent tears rolled down his wizened cheeks. It had been a while since I took a good look at his face; the years of being in the sun, honking that all too familiar horn and calling out for discarded goods as a karang guni man had definitely aged him.

I reached into my backpack and handed him some tissue paper.

“Thank you, Ah May. I really miss your Ma.”

“Me too. But I’m glad she doesn’t have to suffer from cancer anymore.” A few moments of silence passed between us.

“Um … Pa?” I paused.

“Yes, May?”

“Why did Mum choose this verse for her tombstone?”

“Your Ma loved this verse because she lived by it…” Tears welled up at the memory. Dad wiped his face and sat up. “She was the kindest woman I’ve ever met. She was always smiling, always loving everyone around her, and always putting other people’s needs before herself. Your Ma was the one who showed me Jesus’ love in a very real and personal way.”

I was stunned by Dad’s sudden eloquence. It was as though he had repeated this line to himself in countless rehearsals, so when it was finally spoken, it flowed out with firm conviction and tender fondness.

“How did that happen? Tell me more,” I gently pressed.

“Hmm. This was even before you were born, Ah May. We were just married and were on our honeymoon in Kota Kinabalu. Your ma loved nature and we were at one of the most beautiful beaches in the world, Tanjong Aru beach, because she wanted to see the sunset.”

“But you know me la, I don’t like nature, I like creature.” He guffawed at his wit. I slapped my forehead in mock horror and laughed along.

YOUR MA WAS THE ONE WHO SHOWED ME JESUS' LOVE ...

“So, as I was walking around picking up shells and looking at the things people left behind on the beach, suddenly I heard a scream. I quickly turned to see what was happening — wah! There was a little girl struggling in the water a few metres deep into the sea. As I was running to help, I saw someone already inside the water swimming towards her. Guess who it was!”

“Was it Mum?” I widened my eyes.

“Yes! But you know what’s the funny thing? She doesn’t know how to swim!” He chortled.

“Oh no! Then how?!” I gasped. “I don’t know how, but she managed to kick her way to the girl and grabbed her. Then, as though your Ma suddenly remembered she couldn’t swim, both of them started to scream for help!”

With a smile, he shook his head. “Thank God, somehow I knew this would happen and I just ran and swam over to them, and managed to pull both of them back to the beach.”

“That must have been really scary! What was Mum thinking if she didn’t know how to swim?”

“Ya it was scary! The high tide was coming in very fast, and the little girl got scared because she can’t swim well. She shouldn’t have been swimming at that time also! Now that I think of it, it was really quite dangerous lah.

But you see, this is your Ma … She saw someone who needed help and straight away went to save her. If your Ma knew how to swim, of course it is right that she should help. But your Ma couldn’t swim, and she still risked her life for people she doesn’t even know!”

“And you both just got married!” I said. “How did you feel after everything happened?”

“I felt a bit angry that she would do such a thing when we only just got married! What if she drowned and left me behind? But she said to me, ‘Seng ah, every life is precious … Can you imagine how sad the parents would be if they lost their young daughter?’

I said that I would also be sad if I lost my wife, but your Ma said, ‘Well, we have God who loves us and our lives are in His good hands no matter what happens. Even if we die, we have eternal life and will meet again with Jesus, right? So, don’t worry, we are free to love our neighbours and even give up our lives for them!’

Wah, I tell you, after she said that, I was even more sure that I chose the right woman to be my wife.”

My heart swelled with joy as I listened to Dad share about Mum. Even in her death, her faith lives on in the memories she left behind. How did she love God with all her heart, soul and mind then? I couldn’t wait to find out.

The spiritual legacy of May’s mother continues in the next and final part of the story, to be published in the next issue of Kallos. Stay tuned!

So Much For My Happy Ending

Benita Lim — Tue, 24 Sep 2019 04:00:00 +0000

A man in a leather jacket races down the street on the latest sports bike. He zooms to the front of a large office building, where two rows of office workers await. As he pulls on his helmet, everything around slows down as his chiselled jawline emerges, revealing a dashing young man with a piercing gaze. One of the office workers hurriedly takes his helmet whilst the rest bow to greet him as he strides into the building, casually flipping his tousled hair which somehow falls into place perfectly. Suddenly, a klutzy, plain-looking office girl late for her first day of work runs into him from behind and pushes him aside. Everyone is mortified as the girl is unapologetic, and even scolds him for hogging the walkway.

We all know how the storyline unfolds — although they start out hating each other’s guts, their paths somehow always cross and they start to see each other differently. After overcoming obstacles such as opposition from family, maybe some dangerous thugs employed by jealous rivals, and dealing with their own insecurities and crazy exes, the leading man and lady finally get together in the last episode of the series.

These Korean dramas full of passion and romance depict a fantasy that we could only wish was our reality, so when the news of the Song-Song couple first broke, many were so excited that the leading couple of the K-drama world were dating in real life and were even going to get married! How much more fantastic could this real-life fantasy get? If the Song-Song couple could experience this for real, then perhaps … it could happen for me?

But it all came crashing down after just 20 months. The Song-Song couple called off the marriage of the century. The official statement vaguely stated that it was due to “personality differences” — isn’t it ironic that in K-dramas, the very formula of success for couples to, well, couple, precisely involves the friction between unlikely personalities and paths to cause sparks to fly?

In recent times, numerous celebrities and idols have been letting their fans down. Ariana Grande couldn’t honour her engagement with Pete Davidson; Andy Hui was caught on camera cheating on his wife, Sammi Cheng; Seungri of Big Bang among other Korean celebrities have damaged the lives of women around them. Sadly, even the church is not exempt, with sex scandals rocking large churches in the United States. Recently, Joshua Harris, a famous author of one of the most influential modern-day books on dating, announced his divorce from his wife, Shannon, and departure from the Christian faith — a shock to many who have sat under his teaching.

You may have found it difficult to believe this relentless news: How can this be true? Could it just be the paparazzi trying to get more views by making up fake news? You may have felt confused: If such a perfect couple cannot sustain their marriage, what hope is there for me in the future? Perhaps you even felt angry: How could people with such influence have no regard for their followers? Don’t they know that people look up to them and the way they live their lives?

IF THE SONG-SONG COUPLE COULD EXPERIENCE THIS FOR REAL, THEN PERHAPS... IT COULD HAPPEN FOR ME?

OUR RESPONSE

So, how should we respond? Should we be utterly disappointed, and shame them on social media? Should we make excuses for their actions, or blame conspirators for making up the situation?

Whether it’s the shiny and polished Korean entertainment industry being tarnished by top stars and moguls being accused and charged for drug use, sexual assault and exploitation, or a relationship ruined by infidelity, we should not hesitate to acknowledge the wrong they may have done. It’s not okay for beautiful idols or celebrities to abuse drugs or commit sexual abuse. It’s not okay for capable people in positions of power to harm others. But let us not be quick to shame the fallen. We are not more righteous than them, for all of us are sinful (Rom 3:23) — we all face struggles and stumble whilst trying to live in a fallen world, and being a celebrity is no different.

According to the head of the Seoul Addiction Institute of Psychology, because so much of their security is dependent on their popularity, many celebrities have turned to sex and drugs to cope in their struggles for success, which is often a lonely road. Before we condemn them, let us extend grace to those who stumble, just as we want to receive grace when we sin.

On the other hand, our anger and disappointment toward their failures could instead be telling us more about ourselves.

The crushing of our ideals perhaps reveals what we really desire deep inside: Happiness and perfection. To have that perfect prince who treats you like a princess and live happily ever after with. To have that picture-perfect Insta life with a community that adores and supports you. Or even living out your Christian faith with perfect conviction, meeting the standards of the faith you’ve set for yourself.

Maybe we followed and admired these celebrities and church leaders because it felt like they had the secret to that happy and perfect life. But now, the truth is out.

One by one, as celebrities and leaders fall from grace, the happy endings shatter; #couplegoals and #GOAT are no longer great goals. Their lives have now been revealed to be just like ours: Imperfect, and broken.

THE CRUSHING OF OUR IDEALS PERHAPS REVEALS WHAT WE REALLY DESIRE DEEP INSIDE: HAPPINESS AND PERFECTION.

If we are not careful, what we see online and on the silver screen can easily tap into our unhealthy and unmet desires, lead us to idolise fallen humans, and fantasise about unrealistic happy endings that capture our hearts. But none of these can fully represent the real picture of perfection that Christ offers.

May we instead find our desires met in Jesus Christ, who did not come as a Greek god with a perfect bod to be worshipped, or created a fan following by hobnobbing with the rich and famous. Instead, the Creator of the universe did not keep His high status to Himself, but walked with the poor and needy — and humbled Himself to the point of death so as to redeem us (Phil 2:1–11). Furthermore, His love continues to reach out to you and me as our provider, restorer and friend, and He wants His people to love one another as He loves them (John 13:34; 1 John 4:19). Which celebrity could do all that, really?

So, the next time you are faced with a celebrity disappointment, ask yourself, what do you truly desire? May the true happy ending we seek be the priceless joy found in a loving relationship with Christ and with those around us, so that our happiness and joy will be made complete (John 15:11)!

Dig Deeper: How Do I Talk To My Friends About Jesus In Today’s World?

Benita Lim — Thu, 24 Jan 2019 04:00:00 +0000

“Why do Christians hate gays?” “Why do I need Jesus when I’m a good enough person on my own?” Have you ever encountered tough questions like these from your friends and couldn’t find an answer? I used to marvel at Paul’s eloquence whenever I read his sermon at Mars Hill (Acts 17:22–31). It seemed so easy for him to respond to those who disagreed with him. All he did was to go to the courts where religious matters were addressed, stand up and speak about God — and people listened.

Many controversial topics have arisen around us lately, such as economic equality, social justice, religious and LGBTQ issues. Wouldn’t it take someone with brilliance, guts and a gift of the gab like Paul to convince and convict people? What if we aren’t like him? Remaining silent doesn’t seem to be the right way forward as we called to be salt and light for Christ (Matt 5:13–16). This is where we can learn from Paul.

Paul didn’t remain silent, but he wasn’t reckless either. Here are three thoughts to consider when speaking to your friends about Jesus:

Listen and understand first

When difficult issues come up, don’t be afraid to ask questions (gently!) to clarify what your friends are saying; listen first to what they have to say and ask the Holy Spirit to help you understand what’s really on their minds. Paul didn’t simply barge into the Areopagus and spill facts for no reason. He was actually invited to do so (Acts 17:19–21)! Before this, Paul had gone down to engage Jews and Gentiles every day. He was observing, listening, and understanding — he was present. This surely helped him to address the people of Athens meaningfully (vv. 23–31). If you find yourself in the middle of a heated debate, helpful questions could include, “What makes you feel this way?” and “What was your experience with [the topic] before? Tell me more.” Remember: what we may know as the “right answer” may not always be the best answer for that moment.

Love them

Continue to love your friends as people — don’t just focus on the issue! Those whom Paul spoke to rejected his content, not his person nor the time he spent with them. You may disagree with your friends on certain issues of faith, but you are still in the best position to love them the way Christ would. This is where we practise the Great Commandment of loving our neighbours! Loving our neighbours doesn’t start with making them follow our law — that is precisely what the Pharisees were condemned for (Matt 23:4). Loving our neighbours is being with them in their brokenness and caring for them as a fellow sinful human being (Luke 10:25–37). Do your friends know you as someone who cares for them, or someone who is only concerned about “looking right”? When they know you care, they’re more likely to listen to what you have to say.

Let the Holy Spirit speak

Perhaps we have an uphill task today because Christians are better known for what we are against, rather than what we are for. When someone shares their sexual struggles with a Christian, they’re probably expecting them to start judging what they’re doing right or wrong. We don’t have to (and probably shouldn’t) do that. In fact, it’s a great privilege that someone would share their deep struggles with you. Just as Christ meets us in our sins and failures, we should do likewise with our friends, while praying that they may experience His love for them through us and that we may be given the opportunity to have important conversations with them. Finally, remember: After all that, it’s not our responsibility to win the argument and make them change their minds. It is their responsibility to respond, and it is the Holy Spirit who will do His transforming work!

Love & Sexuality: Will I Lose My Virginity By Engaging In Heavy Petting?

Benita Lim — Mon, 23 Jul 2018 16:00:00 +0000

“Will I lose my virginity by engaging in heavy petting?”

The Oxford Dictionary defines virginity as “the state of never having had sexual intercourse”. Based on this definition, you’re technically still a virgin if you’ve only gone as far as heavy petting, since there’s been no penetration by the penis.

However, the more important question is this: is being a virgin the most important thing? Or is there more?

There is a tendency in Christian culture to be obsessed with the idea of virginity, which has led to the ‘purity ring’ movement in the US. This involved wearing purity (or ‘promise’) rings and signing pledges to abstain from sex before marriage. High- profile celebrities who hopped on (and off) this bandwagon include Miley Cyrus, Selena Gomez, and the Jonas Brothers. However, all of them broke their pledges. Focusing on being a ‘technical’ virgin obviously did not enable them to keep their promise.

1 Thessalonians 4:3–4 says, “It is God’s will that you should be sanctified: that you should avoid sexual immorality; that each of you should learn to control your own body in a way that is holy and honourable…” In the Bible, sexual immorality refers to sexual activity outside of marriage. For us today, this would include heavy petting as it involves stimulation of the genitals. It is clear that the verses do not call us to be ‘technical’ virgins — rather, we are called to be holy and honorable by exercising self-control and staying away from sexual immorality. We are called to focus on honouring God with our body instead of sinning against it (1 Cor 6:18–20)!

We miss this point when we ask whether certain behaviours like petting, French kissing or even seeing each other naked is ‘wrong’. This is because we’re focusing on our actions rather than our motivations and what is in our heart.

My encouragement to you is that instead of fixating on the dividing line between virgin and non-virgin and seeing how far you can go before you’ve ‘lost’ your virginity, consider what you need to do to flee from sexual immorality and honour God with your body (1 Cor 6:18).

This may include refraining from watching shows that attempt to titillate through nudity or sex scenes, so as not to fuel fantasies or desires. It would also be wise to avoid situations where you or your partner may be tempted to explore each other’s bodies in a sexual manner. If you’re not married, your bodies do not belong to each other (Mark 10:8)!

If all this leads you to feeling guilt and shame over your actions, do take heart that Christ the Bridegroom has already given Himself to sanctify and wash you as part of His Bride, the Church, who shall be presented as holy and blameless (Eph 5:25–27). And if you’re struggling with your body and sexuality, please speak to a mature Christian sister about it! Find out God’s purposes for the body and for marriage, and seek a Spirit-filled will to honour God in this area. There is often no instant fix, however, so do not walk this journey alone, dear sister!

What Is Love, Actually?

Benita Lim — Mon, 29 May 2017 16:00:00 +0000

The air in the classroom was humid and stale as Mr. Ng droned on about covalent and ionic bonds. Half the class was as still as non-reactive atoms, and the other half were fidgety molecules in their dark blue plastic chairs. Five more minutes before school was over, and all of us could hardly wait.

It’s Mum’s tenth death anniversary today. She died shortly before I entered primary school, and I am now about to take my ‘O’ levels, praying hard that I’d at least get into a mid-tier JC with cheaper school fees.

But Mum’s death anniversary also meant the annual visit to her grave site after school with Dad … in that ancient beast of a lorry that would herald its arrival without even having to honk.

The countdown to the school bell ringing was especially excruciating for me. What should I do before the Embarrassment arrives? Should I go to the toilet and wait until everyone leaves? Should I … Cllk-lllkk-kkk-cllkk! My insides twisted. The roar of a large diesel engine snapped everyone out of their stupor. Everyone in class turned to me and sniggered.

“Eh, May, your dad very on time leh! More on time than our bell!” Nick behind me didn’t even bother to whisper.

I rolled my eyes. A babble broke out and the class began to pack their books. Mr. Ng tried to get our attention but he was drowned out by the engine noise.

The school bell went off, and my class promptly dismissed themselves. I trudged down the stairs and headed towards the source of the noise.

“Ah May! Today so on time ah?” Dad boomed. “Want to eat lunch before visiting Ma’s grave? Let’s go eat your favourite chicken rice!”

“It’s okay, I’m not very hungry. It’s been a long day and I have homework to do. Let’s just go visit Ma’s grave and go home.”

“Har?! Cannot lah, wait you got stomach pain again how?”

“Can we just go for a quick lunch? I’m really not hungry.”

I climbed up the lorry and slammed the door shut. The engine roar was starting to give me a headache, and I still couldn’t get over being seen in the vulgar presence of the lorry.

IT'S MUM'S TENTH DEATH ANNIVERSARY TODAY...

But I started to feel guilty as I stared out of the window all the way to the cemetery. I know Dad cares, but teenage angst and a long day at school got the better of me. Now and then, I could sense Dad glancing my way as he expertly manoeuvred the rickety, nine-year-old lorry through the traffic. Dad’s karang guni* business relied on this vehicle, and so did my education. Honestly, I often wished that my dad was well-educated and had a good office job so that we didn’t have to worry about money so much. And that he’d ooze with charisma and eloquence like some of my friends’ fathers, who look like they have everything going for them — a luxurious, quiet car included.

The lorry screeched to a halt; we had arrived. I climbed out of the vehicle and into a place starkly different from the school that was bustling with people and life. Here at the cemetery, silence reigned, as did quiet reminders about death.

The flowers that we left at Mum’s grave last year were gone. I placed fresh ones that Dad had brought along on her grave.

These blooms seemed to inject a little more life to the dead quiet. I began clearing the dried leaves from Mum’s grave, and as I did, I read her favourite Bible verse engraved on the tombstone: Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. … And the second is like it: Love your neighbour as yourself. — (Matt 22:37, 39)

For the first time in my life, I was curious. Why did Mum love this particular verse?

It dawned upon me then that the busyness of school had filled up the void that Mum’s death created, and Mum was slowly becoming a hazy, distant memory.

Perhaps if I dug into this verse that she had chosen for her tombstone, I could find out more about my late mother who bore me and left me too soon …

Find out what May learns about her mother in parts 2 and 3 of the story to be published in Kallos Issues 22 and 23!

*Malay for “gunny sack”, the Singaporean way of describing a rag-and-bone man who collects discarded items for a living.

Review: “Fifty Shades Darker”; Should I Watch The Movie?

Benita Lim — Wed, 29 Mar 2017 16:00:00 +0000

What is it about?

The controversial Fifty Shades trilogy by British author E. L. James traces the romance of a fresh college graduate, Anastasia “Ana” Steele and a dashing self-made billionaire, Christian Grey. In an interview, E. L. James herself stated that the books contain sexual fantasies arising from her own mid-life crisis. In other words, we are warned that some dangerous ideas run throughout the story that we should be discerning about. Here are some in Black and White:

BLACK

– Ana and Christian kiss the third (brief) time they meet; by their fourth meeting, she dangerously decides to give her virginity to someone she barely knows other than that he has control issues, and a penchant for BDSM (do read our Dear Kallos column that addresses this in further detail!)

– The novel makes BDSM seem acceptable, even normal, by making us feel sorry for Christian, who is unable to emotionally connect as he was sexually abused by an older woman as a youth. He has developed an intense need for power and authority that he expresses during sex, and Ana decides to persevere in the relationship in spite of warnings from others that he is dangerous for her.

WHITE?

– Fifty Shades does hint at the need to look beyond the surface of someone. Instead of dismissing Christian completely, Ana tries to understand the hidden reasons behind his actions.

– The trailer of the second movie, Fifty Shades Darker, asks, “Can love survive?” Ana does successfully break down Christian’s emotional walls, marry him, and even have kids — a seemingly happy ending to a complex relationship.

Verdict:

While Ana’s insistence on saving Christian (the irony of his name is difficult to miss) seems admirable, her ‘pure intentions’ come as an afterthought to satisfying her lust. The ‘girl-next-door melting the heart of the rich-aloof-guy’ narrative and Ana’s desire to lead Christian “out of darkness and into the light” makes us go “aww”. It’s a winning formula that many K-dramas use as well, but we have to be mindful that in reality, people in abusive relationships cannot expect to change their abusers, even if they call themselves Christians.

Now that you know the ending to the Fifty Shades trilogy, do you have to pick up the books or watch the movies? If you’re really itching to do so, ask yourself these questions first: Must I really read this book? Do I harbour deceptive feelings of lust and am I looking for a place to feed them? Will this temporary satisfaction edify myself or others, or glorify God? Speak to a mature friend or sister if you struggle with this issue; you don’t walk this journey alone. Choose wisdom, dear sister!

Women Of Judges

Benita Lim — Fri, 29 Jul 2016 16:00:00 +0000

It’s so unsettling living as a woman in my country. The tribe of Benjamin has been nearly destroyed as punishment for defending a group of Benjamites who raped and killed the concubine of a brother from the tribe of Levi. He had been travelling with her from Bethlehem to his home in Ephraim (Judges 19). And now, the leaders of Israel’s twelve tribes are taking pity on the surviving Benjamites. “With the women of Benjamin destroyed, how shall we provide wives for the men who are left?” they say, even after giving them 400 young women from a town wiped out for not joining the civil war. I hear that they plan to allow the Benjamites to kidnap us young women as wives (Judges 21:16-23)!

What will become of us? I remember my father telling me stories of when our people came out of Egypt, walked the wilderness and came to Canaan. We feared God and obeyed His commands to drive the inhabitants out from this land that was first promised to our Father Abraham. Women would have been well-treated then. Look at Achsah, daughter of the great warrior Caleb (Judges 1:12-15). Caleb promised his daughter to the man who would obey God and capture a city. He even granted her bold request for precious gifts of water sources.

But because of our people’s self-centredness and disobedience, many have turned to worshipping idols and doing whatever they think is best for themselves! Our leaders’ failure to fear God and obey Him has greatly affected our entire nation, and since we women rely on the men for security, we are especially vulnerable. What will become of us?

WHAT WILL BECOME OF US?

Remember that Levite man? Rumour has it that he sent his concubine to be raped in his place! When the Benjamites came for him, he pushed her out and did not attempt to save her (Judges 19:25-28).

Our God cares for the weak and lifts up the needy. It is all written there in His laws (Exodus 23). But just look at how the leaders are now making use of us women after deciding to decimate Benjamin! Are we not also made in the image of God (Genesis 1:27) and so deserve the same dignity as men?

ARE WE NOT ALSO MADE IN THE IMAGE OF GOD AND SO DESERVE THE SAME DIGNITY AS MEN?

Whenever our nation of Israel cried out to God, He showed His faithfulness by raising a deliverer who would save us from our enemies and bring peace to our land. Sadly, apart from Joshua, Caleb, Othniel and Deborah, many of these deliverers have not been obedient leaders. They did not worship God and God alone, leading our nation into further decline.

So who is our latest deliverer, you ask? There is no one. Samson was the last, and he too was disobedient. He considered his supernatural strength his own, fell into the charms of foreign women, and died with the enemy (Judges 13-16).

What is to become of us now? So what if we have the Promised Land? Everyone is doing what is right in their own eyes, and not God’s! Perhaps this is why God has not given us peace in the land after all these years. And us women … I shudder to think of what is to come.

Oh Lord, have mercy on us! Turn Israel’s eyes back to You, that we might fulfil Your will for us in this place!