Jillian Lee – Kallos

What to do when you don’t know what to do

Jillian Lee — Wed, 01 Dec 2021 04:46:00 +0000

“God, don’t you care? Have you forgotten about me?”
“What’s your plan for my life?”
“How come everyone else has a clear calling except me?”

These were the words in my tear-stained journal, at a point of time in my life when I felt completely lost and directionless. As a teacher, I was burnt out, and had been questioning the purpose of the profession for several months.

I knew that this was not where I was meant to be … but I had no idea where to go. All my half-hearted attempts to apply for other jobs were met with silence. What was worse, all my heart-wrenching cries to God for clarity on my next steps were also met with silence.

IS GOD SILENT OR AM I DEAF?
Until one day, God spoke to me from Hebrews 11:8.

“By faith Abraham, when called to go to a place he would later receive as his inheritance, obeyed and went, even though he did not know where he was going.”

Abraham left his homeland without knowing where he was going. Not only that, he brought his wife, nephew, and all the people and possessions that he had acquired with him on this uncertain journey (Gen 12:4–5). For someone who liked having all my ducks in a row, and whose life up to that point had been pretty smooth-sailing, what Abraham did was a somewhat uncomfortable, if not preposterous, idea.

Then came God’s gentle challenge: “Jillian, where is your security? Is it in me? Or your five-year plan?”

JILLIAN, WHERE IS YOUR SECURITY? IS IT IN ME? OR YOUR FIVE-YEAR PLAN?

GOING INTO THE UNKNOWN
But God’s question illuminated the real condition of my heart. The real reason I wanted Him to reveal my next steps was because I was afraid. I was afraid of the risks involved in leaving a comfortable job with no prospects in sight. I was afraid of trying something new and failing. Yet, God has called us to trust Him despite the unknown. And what God really wanted was wholehearted faith and trust in HIM, regardless of whether I knew where He was leading me.

I repented and decided that I would tender my resignation. Things moved quite quickly after that. One of my friends from church asked me if I was interested to go for a talk by the founders of a school in Asia. I wasn’t too keen. (Another school? I thought I was done with education!) But I decided to take a five-day trip to the school to find
out more.

During the trip, I was invited as a guest to one of the graduating classes. The students (mostly in their late teens or early twenties) were encouraged to ask this guest from Singapore some questions. I was expecting the usual second-language learner questions like, “What type of food do you eat?” and “What is life in Singapore like?” Instead, the first question that came my way was, “How do you define success?” This was followed by others like, “What’s your calling?” and “What advice do you have for us as graduating students?”

FINDING MY CALLING
I was tongue-tied! Never in my six years of teaching had any of my students asked me questions like these before. And here was an entire roomful of young adults asking these deep and profound questions — questions that I had trouble answering myself! I sensed that there was something unique about the school, and I applied to be a teacher there under the Short Missions Service (SMS) programme in my church. I thought that I would give it a go for a year … but ended up staying for four years, receiving (and accepting) God’s call to education, and never looking back.

So, what have I learnt on this journey? What advice would I have given my younger self who was seeking direction for my career and future?

Give God the space & time to speak.

Have our anxious thoughts and worries crowded out God’s still, small voice? Have we become so obsessed with our call that we shut out anything else God is saying to us? My own experience tells me that God does speak, but it’s often not what you’re expecting to hear. We’ve heard this so many times: God cares more about the condition of our hearts than about what we can offer Him with our lives. But our constant fretting and comparing betray our actual understanding of this truth. Also, when we understand that the sufficiency of God’s grace is more important than the efficiency of our ways, we learn to let God speak and move in His timing, not ours.

Be proactive

Waiting on the Lord requires patience, but it doesn’t mean inactivity. Take the initiative to find out more about the world we live in and how God is actively working in it. Listen to what Christians in various industries have to say about how their work is redemptive. It’ll broaden your perspectives on what ‘meaningful work’ involves (The Cathedral Podcast by St. Andrew’s Cathedral and The Regent Podcast are great places to start!). Speak to people in industries that you might be interested in to get clarity on what their work involves. Sometimes, we have too rosy a view of what a job entails.

Get with a mentor or trusted friend to discern your strengths and weaknesses. Our Asian tendency to think we’re not good at anything is often a blind spot. What have your parents, teachers, or church leaders said you are good at? (If you can, pluck up some courage to have a conversation with them on this!) What unique experiences has God allowed you to go through? What character weaknesses do you need to be more aware of? All these insights might help us see ourselves — and perhaps the path ahead — more clearly.

And if the road ahead is still murky, use this time to grow in other important ways — do volunteer work or apply for internships in a broad range of industries. You may not end up with a job, but you’ll definitely end up richer in compassion and experience. In a nutshell, you can’t steer the car if the wheels aren’t moving … so move, even if it’s just an inch.

Relax, you’re going to mess up, anyway.

Our best plans are going to get messed up, and that’s a fact. We’re going to put our best foot forward and fail, and even when we think we’ve got it all sorted out, God is still going to surprise us in oh-so-many ways. Because as much as we delude ourselves into thinking otherwise, we’re not in control of our lives. And that, my friends, is good news. It takes the pressure off ourselves to get it right all the time. We are free — free to make choices, to make mistakes, and to experience the grace of God again and again — because all our stories have already been written into God’s grand story.

It’s been about 12 years since that anguished journal entry. Has life been smooth-sailing just because I’ve “found my calling?” Nope. I can’t count the number of times I’ve cried, tried, and failed. Do I know what the next five to ten years of my life will look like? I have a vague idea, but I’m still clinging on to God for every step and reminding myself to give God space to speak, to move in tandem with Him, and to relax and enjoy the journey as much as I can.

What’s The Point Of Studying?

Jillian Lee — Mon, 06 Jul 2020 16:19:00 +0000

Anyone who has asked the question, “why study?” is met with the standard answers:

– To get a degree
– To get a good job so you can enjoy life
– To not end up as a road-sweeper (or trash collector, cleaning aunty or insert your own perceived demeaning job here: _____________)

It’s a narrative that has been ingrained in many of us from young. And so we jump into the stormy seas of the national exams and try our best to keep afloat with the life buoys of enrichment classes and tuition. Some do really well. Some barely survive. But have we ever asked ourselves, “What’s the point of all of this?”

As a student growing up, I certainly didn’t. School was something we all had to do to survive in this world, no questions asked. Exams were endured; while my school days were spent juggling schoolwork, CCAs, ballet and piano lessons, and Chinese and Math tuition classes that I absolutely hated.

SCHOOL WAS SOMETHING WE ALL HAD TO DO TO SURVIVE IN THIS WORLD, NO QUESTIONS ASKED.

I gave due diligence to my studies, and one could say my efforts paid off because I graduated from university without much ado and got a comfortable, stable job as a teacher. Not that I really wanted to become one — it was more a matter of limited choices (what can you do with an English major?) and securing a job upon graduation. It was only in my 5th year as a teacher that the questions began. I enjoyed my colleagues and the students, producing good results on the whole and had even been selected for the leadership track. Despite all this, something began to bother me. Batch after batch of students were herded through the system. My job was to ensure that they did well enough to get into a university of choice which would then ensure their pathway to a good job and consequently, a good life. If they got married and had kids, they’d send their kids through the same stressful system in order to achieve the same goal. Was this really the abundant life (John 10:10) that Jesus said he came to give us?

After months of praying and soul-searching, I decided to leave the service. It was not an easy decision, and many told me that I was crazy to give all this up, but I had to find out if there was anything more to life than this endless paper chase.

In the end, my journey of wondering and wandering led me to this life-giving truth: education is not solely a ticket to a good job; for Christians, education has everything to do with God and His kingdom.

EDUCATION LEADS US TO A DEEPER WORSHIP OF GOD

Firstly, education deepens our worship of God. Colossians 2:3 tells us that in Christ is hidden all the treasures of wisdom and knowledge. Christ, the Word of God (John 1:1), who created the world and all that is in it (John 1:2), is the Author and Designer of all things (Gen 1:1). Our time in school is a wonderful opportunity to discover more about the world that God created and, in turn, to discover more about the One who created it.

For example, maths is not just about numbers and equations; it reveals the order and beauty of God who graciously gave us a language that would help us understand and explain His world. History is not about memorising boring facts, but a study of God’s involvement in our world and faithfulness to His covenant. The sciences reveal His precision, ingenious creativity, and tender care toward all creation, and the arts explore what it means to be created in the image of a Creator God.

When we begin to see through eyes of faith, we realise that every subject we learn in school presents us with the opportunity to marvel at the greatness of God and to worship Him anew.

EVERY SUBJECT WE LEARN IN SCHOOL PRESENTS US WITH THE OPPORTUNITY TO MARVEL AT THE GREATNESS OF GOD AND TO WORSHIP HIM ANEW.

EDUCATION EQUIPS US FOR THE KINGDOM

Secondly, education equips us to partner God in His mission. The Fall of humankind (Gen 3) caused a disordering and distortion of God’s original design. But through Christ, all things have been reconciled to him (Col 1:15–20) — that is, brought back into wholeness. A complete restoration will only happen when Christ comes again (Rev 21:5). But in the meantime, as co-heirs with Christ (Rom 8:17), we are called to bring wholeness to our broken families, societies, policies, and structures in all spheres of life. Education becomes a key component of this process, as it prepares us to fulfil our roles in His kingdom mission well.

In school, we learn about teamwork, discipline, and how to overcome challenges — that’s an equipping in fortitude, character, and social-emotional skills. We learn about the building blocks of knowledge and how to apply them — that’s an equipping in knowledge and skills.

In school, we have many opportunities to discover more about our strengths and talents, and to work on our weaknesses. Are we better at maths or English? Do we prefer abstract concepts or to work with our hands? Are we team players or lone rangers?

Our schooling years are the best time to find out. Sadly, when the goal of education is only about getting good grades, we miss out on the many opportunities presented to us to be able to discover these gifts.

The fact is that each of us has been uniquely gifted for a part in God’s kingdom. We are his workmanship, created for good works in Christ Jesus (Eph 2:10). God has gifted some of us with the compassion that is suited for nursing or social work. God has gifted some of us with business acumen or an entrepreneurial spirit. God has gifted some of us with agility and strength, others with finger dexterity or sensitive taste buds. Some have the gift of the gab. Just like the parable of the talents (Matt 25:14–30), each of us has been given different talents — some have more, some have less, but each is called to wise stewardship of these resources.

God is asking each one of us — what will you do with what I’ve given you? Hide it away? Complain that you have less than everybody else? Or steward whatever gifts have been given you for the glory of God and the benefit of the world?

A BETTER VISION FOR EDUCATION

As Christians, we need a better vision for education — one that moves beyond the stress of exams and points us to love God and seek His kingdom. I wish I had known this when I was growing up. I don’t think it would have made maths any easier for me, but it definitely would have allowed me to have a better attitude toward it!

THE FACT IS THAT EACH OF US HAS BEEN UNIQUELY GIFTED FOR A PART IN GOD’S KINGDOM.

Whether you have two or ten years left to your educational journey, I encourage you to make the most of your time. No doubt, it can be really challenging at times, but don’t let the system rob you of your God-given curiosity and the joy of loving the Lord with your mind. As students, and even parents and teachers, may the words of this hymn by Tom Troeger be our prayer:

Blend, O God, our faith and learning
Till they carve a single course
While they join as one returning
Praise and thanks to you, their Source