Natalie Hanna Tan – Kallos

Stop That Train! Putting A Halt To Gossip

Natalie Hanna Tan — Sun, 28 Jan 2018 16:00:00 +0000

Scenario 1. “Do you know what happened the other day? Amy came into the meeting room and said that she didn’t like how things have been planned so far for this year’s camp. How obnoxious! Who is she to just barge in here and think she’s the boss when she didn’t even do a good job last year!”

Most of us, if not all, would have found ourselves in such a situation before. Perhaps we were hurt or angered by someone, and we just had to vent it out to a friend. We know there is power in words, and we know that gossiping is wrong. We try our best not to gossip, but we can’t help it at times. It just comes out.

Scenario 2. “Hey, don’t share this with anyone else, but I am so hurt by Jane. I don’t understand how she can treat me like this after everything I’ve done for her this year — I shared my notes with her, blessed her with meals, and even planned a surprise birthday party for her! What kind of friend is she?”

We’ve all been hurt, and more often than not, our first instinct is to share it with someone else — to ask for a third opinion, to gather some sympathy, to release the negative emotions…

Scenario 3. “This just happened today… I heard that Sarah told Jeremy that she likes him, but Jeremy rejected her! I’m so worried for Sarah now. Do you think we need to tell her leaders about it? And Jeremy too! How can he reply her like that! We should ask someone to talk to him right? It’s only for his good that he learns!”

We all get worried about our friends at times. But could we be bringing them down unintentionally as we try to show our concern by talking about them behind their backs?

THE FINE LINE

If we don’t necessarily find ourselves in the first scenario, perhaps Scenarios 2 and 3 might hit home for many of us. While they don’t seem like gossip per se, it is often easy to cross the lines of “authenticity” and “concern” and end up in idle gossip. These three scenarios are actually not much different from each other. While our sharing may come from various intentions (some more “wrong” than others), the effect is the same.

This line is exceptionally easy to cross within the church setting. Whether we’re doing it intentionally or not, it’s easy to hide behind the guise of care or concern, or vulnerable sharing, while actually spreading false reports about someone or a situation. Exodus 23:1 commands, “Do not spread false reports. Do not help a guilty person by being a malicious witness.” While this verse is aimed at individuals who are in court, it can perhaps be applied to those who are in personal conflict as well.

While we may be wronged by a friend or family member and desire to explain the truth to others, how we phrase our words may easily exaggerate the situation or spread a false and subjective view of what actually happened. Just by doing so, we are not honouring the person the way we should. Does that mean that we cannot share anything with anyone anymore? Of course not! There is still space to vulnerably share your problems with people you trust. However, there are ways to ensure our conscience is clear and that we are honouring God and one another. Here are three things to consider before you become a gossip-monger:

Search Your Heart

Before you say something about someone else, search your heart and ask: What is your motive is behind it? Does it honour the other person or does it tear him or her down? Asking these questions allows us to pause before we cross the fine line into gossip. The Bible is clear: “Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen” (Eph 4:29). Because words have power, they need to be used to edify and not to tear down. Instead of dropping juicy bits of gossip under the guise of “authentic sharing”, think about how you can honour the person you are speaking about with your words. In some cases, that may be not saying anything at all!

Have Courageous (But Hard) Conversations

When was the last time you found yourself caught in the middle of a he-said-she-said conflict with no resolution? Let’s face it: it’s natural for us to pass on what we hear instead of going up to the person directly to verify if the information is true. Besides, wouldn’t it be super awkward if we have to disclose where we got the information from?

However, think about it this way — if someone were spreading false rumours or half-truths about you, wouldn’t you want your friends to speak to you directly to find out the truth? While it’s normal for us to want the easy way out, the most Christlike thing to do is to speak authentically and directly to the person involved. In Matthew 18:15, Jesus even says that when someone has sinned, we are to speak to the person “just between the two of you” to point out their fault. If you’ve heard something that causes you concern, try going to the person directly instead of passing information down the gossip train while the person in question remains in the dark.

When In Doubt, Don't

“Sin is not ended by multiplying words, but the prudent hold their tongues.” (Prov 10:19)

“Keep your tongue from evil and your lips from telling lies.” (Psa 34:13)

“Without wood a fire goes out; without a gossip a quarrel dies down.” (Prov 26:20)

The Bible writes about the power of our words more times than I can count, and the message is obvious: When in doubt, don’t! We show prudence and wisdom when we keep gossip to ourselves and be a “dead end” where gossip stops. Enough said (pun intended!).

DO YOU BRING LIFE?

We know the verse well: “The tongue has the power of life and death, and those who love it will eat its fruit” (Prov 18:21). Do we want to bring life or death whenever we speak? Do we want to tear down or build up? Pieces of gossip are everywhere, but we can choose what to do when we receive it. May Psalm 141:3 be our prayer as we consider the power of our words: “Set a guard over my mouth, LORD; keep watch over the door of my lips”.

What #Squadgoals Taught Me About Friendship

Natalie Hanna Tan — Sat, 29 Jul 2017 16:00:00 +0000

A bunch of friends against a white wall or a pretty backdrop, all huddled up together or doing a similar pose. Click, picture taken. Uploaded on Instagram or Facebook: #squadgoals. Post.

We’ve all seen such pictures flooding our social media accounts and perhaps we ourselves have even posted these pictures before. These friends are your #baesforlife, your BFFs — or at least, you hope they will turn out to be.

For some, #squadgoals may be used when you and a friend happen to wear the same outfit on a particular day, or when your friendship group all pose in a particular way for a picture. #Squadgoals, in this case, refers to a fun and cool coincidence or event. For others, however, it can go much deeper than that … #squadgoals could be used to show that you and your friends have reached the ultimate point of closeness, an exclusive term saved only for your squad and your squad only. The word “goals” implies that this is something others should aspire toward and try to achieve; something to be jealous and envious of.

Pictures tagged with #squadgoals exploded onto the scene when the hashtag first made its appearance a few years ago, but now as the hype is slowly dying down, let’s really think about the effect it has had on us and the ways we view friendships around us. Here’s what models: Olivia Poh, Jovy Sim, Amanda Woon #squadgoals taught me about friendship.

1. Friendships Are Harder Than They Look Online

Perhaps the biggest problem with #squadgoals is the external picture of the friendship it portrays. On social media with pretty edits, we often only see one side of the friendship — the better, easier, and seemingly perfect side. We see cliques laughing and having a good time, or knowing each other so well that they can dress alike. While these pictures could really be a representation of how close the friendship is, it can be easy to forget that there’s a whole other side that’s been cut out of the picture.

We don’t see the pain of inevitable misunderstandings, the time taken to understand each other, or the intentionality needed to become close. The truth is that friendship is a big investment. To develop a close relationship, the parties involved have to sacrifice a lot behind the scenes. A #squadgoals picture just presents an outward representation of friendship without the reality of the effort that goes into building it.

THE TRUTH IS THAT FRIENDSHIP IS A BIG INVESTMENT

2. Friendship Isn't Always Instagrammable

When we begin to measure friendships against what we see posted online, we may create unrealistic expectations in our own friendship groups. Whether it is desiring the same “closeness” for ourselves or trying to force impossible standards upon our existing friends, #squadgoals may temp us to pretend we are closer friends than we actually are.

As relational beings, we are made to desire community, and we all want to be a part of something bigger. #Squadgoals emphasises that. However, a community can take different forms, and it isn’t always going to look Insta-ready! Who is to say that an undocumented conversation over a meal isn’t as valuable as the big group holiday complete with inflatable donuts and flamingo floats? Just because we aren’t “friendship on fleek” all the time doesn’t mean that our community is any less real, and an insistence on being seen as though we are may only cause discontentment to arise. Not only will we feel strained by the expectations we’ve set for ourselves and our friends, we may also lose out on appreciating the friendships we do have!

3. Friendship Envy Is Real

The hashtag isn’t necessarily wrong, but how we deal with the feelings it produces can lead to trouble. As the hashtag suggests, #squadgoals is something to aspire toward, a “goal” to be achieved, and if we think we have not reached that, it can cause us to feel bitter or jealous toward the individuals who seem to have done so already.

According to Proverbs 14:30, “A heart at peace gives life to the body, but envy rots the bones.” What the psalmist means by a “heart at peace” is uprightness and contentment. In this particular instance, it could mean being upright in our thought and being content with what we have. We receive life in our body —physically, emotionally, and spiritually — when we acquire this peaceful heart. On the other hand, envy can rot our bones. Envy destroys us from the inside when we let it control our minds, thoughts, and emotions. It sucks out life and joy from us, and blocks our eyes from seeing the goodness of God working through our friendships.

How many times have we felt even the slightest pinch of something within us when we see a nice photo of a group of friends hanging out, with or without #squadgoals? That tiny bit of discomfort could very well be discontentment and jealousy taking root inside you, rotting your bones, and killing your joy.

A COMMUNITY ISN'T ALWAYS GOING TO LOOK INSTA-READY

Beyond The Hashtag

If any of these lessons I’ve shared has hit home for you, just remember that you’re not alone. Our friendships are more than the hashtags associated with them. Friendship is more valuable than how pretty a picture turns out or the number of likes it receives.

Like all other trends of popular culture today, the #squadgoals hype is now slowly dying down as quickly as it began. However, it’s left us with a “perfect” image of friendship that will perhaps stay longer than the hashtag itself. While the image of the perfect #squad still lingers, we ought to remember that true friendships can’t be captured in perfect square shots, and even what looks like an image of perfect friendship may not really be one! The gift of friendship is more precious than a one-off image or impression!

Dear Friend, I Miss You

Natalie Hanna Tan — Sun, 29 Jan 2017 16:00:00 +0000

DEAR FRIEND,

How have you been? I’ve missed you in every way possible. It has been six years since we first met in school, and oh, how time has flown by! It feels surreal that so much has changed since we’ve parted ways — we have different friends, we study different subjects, and we are now in very different seasons. I know that many friendships change as the years go on … but I guess I didn’t expect ours to be one of them. We used to talk every day, but now, I barely know what’s going on in your life, and you don’t know what’s going on in mine… But despite this sadness that we’re no longer close, I’m writing to say that I am so thankful for our friendship. It’s one of the best I’ve had, and you’ve played a big part in making me who I am today. Remembering all the things we used to do and the memories we shared in the past always brings me joy. We may not ever be as close as we used to be, but I thank God that we once were! Wherever life’s journey may take us and whomever we meet along the way, know that I’m always here for you if you ever need a friend. Friends drift apart, but nothing can take away the closeness we once shared. Praise God that we can celebrate this new season we are in!

LOVE, ME

Growing up, I’ve lost many friends. It’s not that the friendships didn’t work. There was no big fight and falling out. We just grew apart. I’ve had many sleepless nights crying out my hurt and disappointment to God, wondering why someone so close to my heart was now gone. I knew it wasn’t anyone’s fault. I often tried hard to keep the friendship going, but soon grew tired of trying so much. After going through this time and again, I’ve finally learned to accept that friends do come and go — even the ones who seem the closest. While it is painful to acknowledge that things have changed, it doesn’t mean that the friendships are lost forever!

WHY FRIENDS DRIFT

No one can deny that our teenage years are times of greatest change. We change schools at least twice, go through puberty, establish our identities, discover our interests and so on. It is no surprise that as we change, the dynamics of our friendships would change as well! Personally, my friendships have been on a wild, emotional ride.

In the past year while I have been studying abroad and creating a new life at university, some of my friends have drifted away and moved on with their own lives in Singapore. Initially, it was difficult to let go. I thought that things had to remain the same even though we were apart, but that only caused more pain and hurt in the beginning months I was away. As I learned to let go and get used to this new stage of friendship we are in, I’ve come to treasure these friendships — and friendship in general — so much more.

Someone once made this analogy: friendship is like the journey of two paths, yours and mine. At some points, our courses run parallel — perhaps we are in the same school or life stage. At other points, we hit a fork in the road and go our separate ways. Sometimes the paths intersect again, and sometimes they don’t, but the least we can do is be thankful that, at one point at least, we once travelled side by side.

So how do we cope? When friends drift apart, how do we continue to be thankful for those friendships that have shaped us?

I'VE FINALLY LEARNT TO ACCEPT THAT FRIENDS DO COME AND GO

Here are some tips that I’ve held on to:

Finding You

When we spend a lot of time with our friends, it is natural that our interests and habits are influenced by and dependent on each other. A change in this friendship can be hard to accept because it almost feels like we are losing a part of ourselves as well! Explore your own identity and discover your own likes and dislikes — you can be your own person even without your BFF around.

It’s Normal!

It’s only natural that as we go through different stages of life, we find different friends we have things in common with. When a friend seems to have new interests that don’t match yours (or vice versa), remember that this is all part of life and growing up. It doesn’t mean that you can’t be friends anymore — it just takes some adjustment to get used to how the friendship now works.

It’s All About Expectations

We all have expectations of our friends, but let’s face it — while daily chats and monthly sleepovers may have been possible at one point, it may not be realistic when you’re in a different school or life stage. Give yourself and your friend the space to grow — we’ll only get frustrated or bitter if we expect things to stay exactly the same.

Celebrate Together

Even if you may not be as close to your friend and understand fully what is going on in her life, you can rejoice with her when milestones and joyful moments come. Whether it’s a text or a coffee date every once in a while, be intentional about finding out what’s going on in their lives and celebrate with her!

According to 1 Corinthians 13:7 (ESV), “Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.” When we bear with the hurts and disappointments in a friendship, believe in the friendship despite the distance, hope the best for each other, and endure the challenges and struggles, we love with our very best.

So, whether your friendship is drifting apart, already distant, or remaining close, learn to love with a full heart and thank God for the gift of friendship He blesses us with in every stage of life.

Beyond The Clique

Natalie Hanna Tan — Thu, 29 Sep 2016 16:00:00 +0000

The dreaded ‘H20’ game: one person tries to catch the others, and whoever gets caught links arms with her, forming a long line of catchers until only one person remains. I’ve always tried to get caught as quickly as possible. For one, I didn’t want to be “left out” of the big group of catchers, and also, we all knew that it was harder to survive if you were on your own.

Isn’t that how cliques work? We naturally gravitate toward groups because we know that is where we can be safe and secure. Within these groups, the ‘H2O’ strong bonds are a source of security where we can be certain that we belong. But if you’re one of those who aren’t in any group, it can feel dangerous, lonely, and vulnerable. Looking at these groups from the outside, those ‘H2O’ strong bonds seem almost impenetrable.

While cliques are a natural part of any bigger community, I’ve often asked myself, does it have to be this way?

THE MORE WE INVEST IN CLIQUES, THE MORE EXCLUSIVE WE BECOME

THE IMPORTANCE OF BEING INCLUSIVE

Community is definitely necessary for all of us, but it’s not without its problems. It’s possible that the more we invest in these cliques, the more exclusive we can become. Whether we are conscious of it or not, an invisible boundary is drawn between the ‘in group’ and those on the outside; letting anyone in can feel uncomfortable. How then should we cultivate close friendships in the church setting while still being inclusive to all who come our way? Learning to be inclusive is especially important in church because we are called to love without walls. Perhaps one of the more prominent reasons why individuals leave the church is because of the lack of community and connection, and this is a sad scenario that isn’t unfamiliar to us. A friend once mentioned a time that he brought a group of friends to church. To his surprise, no one talked to any of his friends or welcomed them into the church — everyone stayed within their own cliques and made no effort to include his friends.

There’s nothing wrong with community, but when it prevents us from loving others the way Jesus calls us to, then we must reconsider the way that we behave in our cliques!

There is a difference between the way Jesus spent time with people and the way we fellowship in our Christian communities today. It’s easy to limit our interactions to those we know well and are comfortable with instead of opening up to those we are not as close to. In contrast, Jesus was constantly interacting with people outside of his twelve disciples, including them in conversations, and more often than not, intentionally seeking them out. In modern terms, we could say that the twelve disciples were Jesus’s ‘clique’ — they often prayed together, did ministry together, and ate together. Yet the sinners, the sick, the poor, and many more were all able to approach the twelve and also spend time with Jesus — no one was left out, and all were intentionally included.

Perhaps we could learn a thing or two from the way Jesus struck a balance between having a close-knit community and at the same time including anyone who wanted to be with Him.

IN VS. OUT

I’ve been on both sides of cliques — the inside and the outside — and have found that both sides have a part to play in rejecting exclusivity and building bonds beyond the clique. Here are some tips I’ve found helpful in my own life.

FOR THOSE ON THE INSIDE...

Remember to “jio”: When someone says “bojio,” it can be translated to mean “Why didn’t you invite me?” and can be a subtle way of expressing sadness for being left out. If you’ve noticed that someone isn’t a part of any group or would appreciate being in community, try reaching out to them. Most people are unlikely to force their way into a group, so a simple “jio” or invitation can go a long way in making the person feel included. Even if you know the person in question may not be available at that time, invite the person anyway! She will be sure to appreciate the thought.

Be interested: What is she passionate about? What is she working on at the moment? What excites her? Genuine interest in a person is a sure way to build bonds with someone, so don’t be afraid to ask questions and go the extra mile to get to know someone that isn’t a part of your group.

IF YOU’RE ON THE OUTSIDE ...

Reach out: When we feel left out of a group, perhaps the first (and best!) thing we can do is to assume the best of the group, set aside our pride, and reach out to make a connection. Most people aren’t intentionally exclusive, but as they are already comfortable in a group, they may not notice that someone else is feeling left out. Instead of throwing a pity party and wondering why no one asks you along, take the first step to start a conversation. Ask if you could join them for lunch after church or find ways to get to know some of the individuals a little better.

Give grace: 1 Corinthians 13 reminds us that we ought to keep no record of wrong, and this means that we continue to love our brothers and sisters even when we feel hurt or left out by them. Friendships don’t change overnight. They need time and effort to grow and it is during this time that there are sure to be moments that make us feel neglected, rejected, or even lonely. In those moments, instead of getting discouraged or bitter, give grace to those who have hurt you and persevere in building connections.

The Acts 2 church is a picture of Christlike community that I hold close to my heart. They must have been incredibly diverse in their backgrounds, interests, and passions, yet they had one thing in common — a love for Christ and a desire to see His kingdom grow. Let’s begin to do community in a new way. Instead of feeding the exclusivity of different cliques, let’s see the love of Christ as the glue that binds us all.