Riley Sewell – Kallos

Four Signs You’re In An Abusive Relationship

Riley Sewell — Fri, 01 Jan 2021 08:14:00 +0000

“I feel like I am walking on eggshells with my boyfriend,” my best friend said.

Looking her straight in the eye, I took a deep breath. Then I asked, “Do you think you are in an emotionally abusive relationship?”

“Absolutely not. Sure, we have problems. I know I cry a lot and seem miserable at times. But honestly, it’s probably my fault for making him angry anyway. Abusive? No way.”

She was wrong, and all the signs told me so.

She knows now but didn’t know then that some of the most painful and damaging forms of abuse are subtle. Sure, it can be loud and amplified and completely obvious. However, abuse can also be a quiet and slow undermining of your confidence and psychological health.

ABUSE IN INTIMATE RELATIONSHIPS OFTEN GOES UNDETECTED.

Any abuse (physical, emotional, and spiritual) gnaws at the edges of your psyche, then slowly eats its way into your mental health, confidence, and even your identity. Abuse in intimate relationships often goes undetected. Secrecy, fed by shame, allows abuse to continue, so its very existence relies on that.

If you don’t know what abuse looks like, we’re here to shed some light.

What are some signs that you’re in an abusive relationship?

1. YOU’RE MADE TO FEEL LIKE YOU’RE GOING CRAZY.
One of the most insidious and powerful tools in an abusive partner’s arsenal is ‘gaslighting’. If you aren’t familiar with the term, it’s a technique to make a person doubt reality. The word ‘crazy’ is often used to describe how gaslit people are made to feel. For example, your partner may keep denying something you had known to be true to the point where you begin to believe them. Or, if you get upset when they speak harshly toward you, they may insist that you’re overreacting, so you begin to doubt your justification for anger. The whole point of gaslighting is to control you by tipping you off balance and making you mistrust your instincts and beliefs. Gaslighting makes you think eventually, “Am I the one who is the problem?”

THE MOST IMPORTANT THING TO REMEMBER IS TO NEVER MINIMISE OR MAKE EXCUSES FOR ANY OF THEIR ABUSIVE BEHAVIOURS.

2. YOU FIND YOURSELF ISOLATED FROM YOUR COMMUNITY.
An abuser may try to come between you and your people to make you more dependent on him. Isolation can start subtly. For example, the abuser could insist you “check in” at all times or tell you to quit activities because the only thing that should matter is your relationship with him. Or, he may slowly poison your other relationships by telling you negative things about the people you love, sowing doubt and discord.

Isolation gives abusers more control. If they know that you have no one to turn to, then the power is in their hands. Ultimately, this leaves you without a support system during your most significant time of need — which may be just what the abuser wants.

3. YOU’RE TREATED WITH CONTEMPT.
For my best friend, the emotional abuse didn’t come in the form of shouting matches — instead, it was the slow drip, drip, drip of gaslighting and also subtle forms of contempt. Contempt is expressed in many ways, including hostile humour, sarcasm, mockery, and name-calling. If your partner is exhibiting these kinds of behaviour, the relationship is emotionally abusive.

It is essential to ask yourself, does your partner criticise you in public? Or get sarcastic and tell others negative and embarrassing things about you? If so, you should consider these actions as red flags, because it shows you that your partner ignores or doesn’t even detect social decency rules. Abusive relationships rarely start with physical abuse. These are warning signs that your partner might act out even worse abusive behaviours behind closed doors.

ISOLATION GIVES ABUSERS MORE CONTROL. IF YOU HAVE NO ONE TO TURN TO, THEN THE POWER IS IN THEIR HANDS.

4. YOU’RE AFRAID OF THEIR ANGER.
It’s normal for someone to get angry and lose their temper once in a while. But for it to happen continually and explosively is a classic sign of abuse. Unlike the other signs, this one is easier to spot but no less damaging. Abusers may get aggressive or angry if you fail to do what they want, but because they can be warm and loving, before turning cold and angry in an instant, you may find yourself feeling like you need to be super careful to avoid making them upset.

GET OUT, AND GET HELP
If any of these signs sound painfully familiar, the first thing you need to realise is that the behaviour is totally unacceptable, and you are worthy of better. It’s time for things to change — immediately.

I know that advice is easier to give than to take, especially if you love your partner or are afraid to leave them. The most important thing to remember is to never minimise or make excuses for any of their abusive behaviours. Everyone goes through stress and frustration, experiences anger, and gets upset, but this is no excuse for acting in ways that harm others, emotionally or physically.

Please know that you are not alone. Like a tree, I encourage you to reach up to God in the knowledge that Jesus through His deep suffering understands the pain you’re going through and desires for your healing; reach out to your friends and loved ones for support; and dig down into the identity you have as a beloved daughter of God. If you need specialised help or know someone who does, it is readily available. In Singapore, the Ministry of Social and Family Development’s Break the Silence webpage <https://www.msf.gov.sg/breakthesilence/> provides hotlines and further information on abusive behaviour. If your school has counsellors, speak to them. There is a way out! Freedom and healing are on the other side of your courage.

Dig Deeper: What’s Wrong With Dating a Non-Christian?

Riley Sewell — Tue, 30 Jun 2020 08:11:00 +0000

You become what and who you love. The one you love will help set the direction of your life. Thus, picking the right person is important to every woman thinking about dating.

You’re probably familiar with 2 Corinthians 6:14, where Paul exhorts us to not become “unequally yoked with unbelievers”. What is Paul’s meaning in this Scripture?

A yoke is a wooden bar that joins two animals to each other and to the burden they pull. Imagine you see a farmer getting ready to plow their field. They hook up a powerful ox to one side and on the other side, they hook up a tiny little Shih Tzu. Which side is going to work the hardest? Can they plow together and carry the load on an equal basis? Of course not! One will likely be dragged along and hinder the progress of the other. The ox will strain because the Shih Tzu will want to run away or go the other direction. Instead of working together, they are at odds with one another.

While dating was not practised during of Paul’s time, the principle is applicable for us today. The person you marry is the second most important decision of your life, after your choice to follow God. What are four challenges of “unequally yoked” dating?

WHO FOLDS FIRST?

Playing the game of life, either your non-believing boyfriend or God will be forced to fold in each round to win your heart. Why? Because when you date a non-Christian, it leads to one of the following options: If you put God at the center, he will feel marginalized. If he can’t understand the point of Bible study and prayer, missions trips, or fasting then he won’t participate alongside you in these activities. The deep unity of dating cannot flourish when one partner cannot fully participate in the other’s most important commitments. The second option is that in order to be more in sync with him, you will have to push God to the margins of your life. This may not involve actually rejecting your faith, but your devotional life, tithing, and fellowship with other believers may be compromised in order to preserve peace with him.

Even if he can provide you with every luxury in the world, it is no match to the one thing you hold most valuable — your relationship with God. If your heart is truly, genuinely, passionately in pursuit of Christ on a daily basis, then a non-believer — no matter how kind, caring, and wonderful he is — can never truly know you. If your identity is in Christ alone, then your life will automatically come into conflict with your non-believing boyfriend. As it should.

MISALIGNED EXPECTATIONS

If Jesus is not your solid ground, you can get stuck in the sinking sand located in the desert of mismatched expectations. For example, he may think it is “good enough” that he attends church with you, but you may hope for him to one day lead a small group. It is often said in jest that a man marries a woman hoping she will stay the same, and a woman marries a man hoping to change him. However, the reality is that often this doesn’t come true for either!

The risk of misaligned expectations and heartbreak is high when you date his “potential.” The wise path is to date him for who he is today, not for who he may be in the future. If he never changes, would you be satisfied?

GOD IS NOT HIS FORTRESS

Hard times are inevitable. At the low points, what kind of man do you want there for you? Someone who can turn your head and heart to God? Someone who amidst your darkness and tears will soothe your soul with Scripture? Will a non-believer drop to his knees, cloak you in prayer, or fast for a breakthrough?

I am not saying that he will not hold an umbrella of love over you or support you during the rainy season. But when the thunderstorms hit, you don’t need a human umbrella — you need the spiritual shelter that only God can provide. You deserve a man who leads you to your fortress of faith in the storms of life.

CHESS VS. CHECKERS

Don’t under-estimate what a guy will do to win your heart. If church is important, he may come with you. Each week. But he could act out our spiritual practices without developing a relationship with God. You can guide a man toward Christ through your actions and prayer. But at the end of the day, his faith journey is between him and Jesus.

While there are success stories of “missionary dating” or people who “flirt to convert”, his right to “free will” gives him the option to say no to Jesus. You can offer a man the most incredible present, but he can still refuse to unwrap it. Remember God knows the desires of your heart. What God has in store for you is worth waiting and fighting for. His best is worth the loneliness, frustration, and pain you may feel right now.

God is the best love expert and master story-maker. So, will you trust Him with your story, whether love is fully formed in singleness and/or marriage?

Dig Deeper: Why Did God Allow Covid-19 To Happen?

Riley Sewell — Wed, 13 May 2020 12:38:00 +0000

In December 2004, my family and I vacationed at Railey Beach on the coast of Thailand. As a ten-year-old girl, it was a blissful dream; palm trees, sunbathing, snorkelling, eating chocolate crêpes and vibrant sunsets.

But the day after Christmas, everything changed.

Our holiday went from bliss to my worst nightmare.

Early in the morning, my two sisters and I were playing on the beach. Suddenly, all the water surrounding the island left. The fish were flopping around everywhere. We did not know what was going on. In the horizon was a thin white line, growing larger with every second. People starting shouting and running in different directions. Some people froze in fear, their bodies refusing to function. There was a sense of terror, uncertainty and panic thick in the air.

The source of danger was a 25-metre tsunami!

It was approaching our island at a rapid speed. My mom shouted, “RUN!” at the top of her lungs as my father gathered my sisters and I together. We sprinted up a hill, knowing our path to safety was at the top.

By the grace of God, my family made it to the top of the hill. The grip of death was mere metres away as the powerful tsunami raged over the island.

This unforgettable Boxing Day marked the death of almost 280,000 people.

WHY DOES GOD ALLOW SUFFERING?

I share this with you to show I am no stranger to suffering. I know how it feels to doubt whether your life will continue another day. I have been overwhelmed by feelings of panic and fear. I have felt desperately worried about the lives of loved ones.

My guess is, so are you. Right now.

Covid-19 has spread like wildfire across our globe, taking with it our freedom and for some, their lives. You, like me, may be wrestling with these questions: How can God allow suffering? Why did He allow Covid-19 to happen?

There is no easy answer. As Christians, we live with a contradiction; a loving God and yet a world of pain. Facing this contradiction, some of us are morally outraged and may feel the temptation to abandon our faith. How can we believe in a loving God who lets misery happen? This is the living tension between the cross and the resurrection.

Suffering is a fact of this world. In the face of suffering, the teachings of the Christian faith helps us make sense of the rawness we feel because they reveal there is something wrong with the world — it is fallen (Gen 3–4; Rom 3:23). Things are not as they should be. We live in a world in which good and evil are at play on the world stage and in every individual. God is good, but evil is also real and influential. So, at first glance, it seems that suffering gives us a valid reason to rule out God’s goodness. But actually, the opposite is true. It is only if God exists that our outrage at suffering finds a basis. If there is no true goodness, then outrage at true evil is ultimately pointless.

WHERE IS GOD IN OUR SUFFERING?

Suffering is inevitable in our lives. But you will be surprised by the God who meets you in suffering. I was shocked by the God I experienced at the top of the hill. God the Son suffered with us and for us. When we groan, God the Father hears us. More than this, God the Spirit is within us groaning and longing for our freedom as we suffer under the weight of affliction.

Jesus continually sought out those who were suffering. According to the Gospel of John, Jesus wept over the death of his friend Lazarus, along with his community (11:33–35). Jesus is still the same today. In the face of Covid-19, He joins us in our grief. And just as Jesus raised Lazarus to life as proof that He is the resurrection and the life (John 11:25–26), He continues to prove He is our redeemer today.

The reality is, however, that God’s redemption might not take the shape we hope for right now. Covid-19 will probably not disappear overnight. But remember, He is the Father, and we are His children. His redemption will be delivered with love and grace to mixed addresses: A funeral home. A hospital. An airport. A lawyer’s office. These are common places for our tears, cries and screams.

God’s love does not always change the circumstance, but it offers enough to carry us through the pain. And He remembers every tear of misery we have shed (Ps 56:8). Love does not take us out of the tunnel, but it accompanies us to the end. Love guides us toward hope, especially the hope that there will come a day when Christ “will wipe every tear” from our eyes as “There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain” (Rev 21:4).

God is greater than Covid-19 and tsunamis.

In Him we trust.

Dig Deeper: Is It OK To Doubt God?

Riley Sewell — Tue, 24 Mar 2020 04:00:00 +0000

First, let me confess something. I have doubted my faith. I have doubted what is said in the Bible. I have doubted God. Not only have I doubted, but I DO doubt.

Have you ever doubted God? My guess is, you already do.

Though all of us probably doubt God at some point, it is rarely talked about openly. And when it is, often I hear doubt talked about negatively. You shouldn’t doubt. You can’t question that. You know what the Bible says is true.

Are faith and doubt opposites?

Faith and doubt seem like two opposites that cannot coexist. But that’s a misconception — faith and doubt are a package deal. Wrestling with doubt is part of the process of building faith. In other words, doubt is often the labour pains accompanying the birth of faith, new or renewed. Paul Tillich, who was an influential 20th-century German-American theologian and philosopher, put it this way, “Doubt is not the opposite of faith; it is one element of faith.”

The antithesis of faith is not doubt but indifference. Put differently, the danger is not in doubting, but in the movement toward apathy. Doubting enters the ‘danger zone’ when its effect diminishes your desire to engage with God. As such, you may allow doubt to visit your mind but be sure to ban it from becoming its ruler.

Where should we bring our doubts to?

The place to which we carry our unresolved doubts is more important than whether or not we have doubts. You have the choice to take your doubts to the world or to God. God’s love will embrace our doubts, but the world only tends to multiply doubts and misguide us. Our God is not insecure. He’s not scared or shocked by our questions or misconceptions.

I want to encourage you to confess to God all your doubts in prayer, journalling or conversations with your trusted Christian friends. Write them all down or say them out loud, then wait. God will find clever ways to slowly, or maybe rapidly, use life to answer your questions and doubts. He will use Scripture that jumps out on the page, a passing comment from a friend, the content in your pastor’s sermon, or a signpost you see on the train to school. Also, God will work through logic and reason as you may find answers in history, science or apologetics books.

Thomas: the doubting saint

The story of Thomas, also known as the Doubting Saint, is a great example of how God engages with our doubts. A few days after Jesus’ death and burial, the disciples were gathered together when their resurrected teacher showed up. But Thomas was not present to witness it. When the others recounted the event, Thomas baulked: “Unless I see the nail marks in his hands and put my finger where the nails were, and put my hand into his side, I will not believe” (John 20:25). A week later, the disciples were again gathered together, only this time Thomas was with them. The doors of their house were shut, but somehow Jesus appeared to them a second time. He invited Thomas to put his fingers to his wounds, and the doubting disciple finally believed that Jesus was alive — his Lord and his God.

Do you notice how Jesus responded to Thomas’s doubts? He met Thomas and showed him more than enough evidence to put his doubts to rest. God will meet you in the chaos and confusion of your doubts if you ask. He will provide an opportunity for your doubts to be addressed through the truth of who He is. We do not get to see Jesus as Thomas did (and Jesus said we are blessed because we have not seen Him yet we believe! (see John 20:29)). However, just as Thomas touched the wounds of Jesus, it is in intimacy with the very real love and truth of God as seen in the marks of His resurrection that we find a resolution.

As a practical step, observe what Thomas did with his doubts — he admitted his disbelief to his close Christian friends who had real encounters with God. Thomas’s story teaches us to express, not deny, hide or fear, our doubts, and to do so with trustworthy followers of Christ.

If wrestling with doubt is inevitable, sometimes even beneficial, in our faith journeys, then what we do with our doubts is one of the most influential factors in deepening our faith. My hope is that you take your doubt to God. With open hands, He will receive and respond to them with truth and love.