Roxane Ng – Kallos

My Parents Messed Up. Now What?

Roxane Ng — Sat, 01 May 2021 02:46:00 +0000

“There’s nothing good about her.” That was my mother’s curt reply to a relative who asked her to say a few good things about me. The remark cut like a knife. I had thought that I would be used to such callousness by now, but tears still welled up in my eyes.

Growing up, I’ve had words like “stupid”, “irresponsible”, and “uncaring” carelessly used to describe me. At first, I attempted to reason with my parents, but this only resulted in intense quarrels. There was even once when I walked away from them in the middle of a heated argument … on the way to a relative’s house during Chinese New Year! I ended up going to my best friend’s house instead, and there, I burst into tears, telling her how I felt so misunderstood. When I concluded that nothing I could do would ever be good enough, my efforts to do well in school and please my parents came to a standstill.

Gradually, I developed a new coping mechanism. Every time I was hurt by my parents’ words and behaviour, I would go to my room and withdraw from them. I became resentful of their seeming lack of love for me and found no reason to continue trying to impress them. I was bitter that they favoured my brothers over me and was angry that life was so unfair.

The hurt and pain within me festered and I found it hard to love my family.

Eventually, I stopped caring about them.

SOME THINGS ARE JUST IMPOSSIBLE?

After accepting Christ, it felt like I had found a new and ‘better’ family in the form of the church, my leaders, and friends. My life had a renewed sense of purpose and I thought things were finally looking up!

THE HURT AND PAIN WITHIN ME FESTERED AND I FOUND IT HARD TO LOVE MY FAMILY.

Yet, as I grew in knowledge of the Word, the call to honour my parents as one of the ten commandments gnawed at me. I began to feel an inner conflict between wanting to obey God and holding firm to my belief that respect and honour had to be earned. More importantly, how would I tear down the walls in my heart that I had painstakingly built, and honour these people who had become like strangers living in the same house? I thought, “I just can’t do this!”

During a particular church service on Mother’s Day, the pastor challenged us to send a text message with “I love you, Mum!” to our mothers on the spot. People around me started taking out their phones and typing away, but my heart was so hardened, and I remained unmoved. I couldn’t bring myself to do such a simple act. I wondered if perhaps, there are just some relationships that are too difficult to repair.

EVEN THE BEST PARENTS ARE SINNERS

One day as I was reading the story of Joseph in Genesis 37–50, something intrigued me. Joseph came from a very dysfunctional family. Among other family issues, he was hated by his own brothers, and was eventually sold into slavery by them. This cruel act caused him to face plenty of hardship and injustice all alone in a foreign land. It would have been perfectly understandable if he swore to settle the score or vowed to throw them into a pit someday. Yet, instead of holding on to bitterness in his heart, he saw his situation as a part of God’s redemptive plan (Gen 50:20). I remember being in disbelief at how Joseph responded to his brothers with kindness and generosity when he met them again after 22 years!

The dramatic transformation in Joseph’s family inspired me to begin a journey of processing and understanding what went wrong in my family, and how I could respond to them with kindness and generosity the way Joseph did. I heeded good advice to seek biblical counselling and began to see my parents with fresh eyes.

I’ve heard the saying that family is supposed to be our safe haven. Unfortunately, that’s not always true. Every day in the news, we see stories of parents abusing their children (and vice versa!), siblings taking each other to court … the list goes on. Even the Bible is filled with stories of dysfunctional families and parents who messed up!

There was Abraham who, under Sarah’s influence, chased away his servant Hagar and mother of his own offspring Ishmael; Isaac and Rebekah, who played favourites with their twin sons; Laban, who promised Jacob he could marry his younger daughter Rachel, only to do a bride swap on the wedding day so that his older daughter, Leah, would not be left on the shelf; and many more.

Slowly, I saw that my parents are sinful and broken people who have gone through difficult times of their own too. They were also brought up by flawed human beings and were simply modelling what they had experienced in their own childhoods. In fact, I found out that my maternal grandmother had died when my mother was only 14! Because of my grandmother’s passing, not only was the privilege of attending school taken away from my mum, she also had to quickly grow up and ‘mother’ her younger siblings too. This made me realise that her harsh criticisms of me merely reflected the expectations that were laid on her at a very young age.

I SAW THAT MY PARENTS ARE SINFUL AND BROKEN PEOPLE WHO HAVE GONE THROUGH DIFFICULT TIMES OF THEIR OWN TOO.

My anger and resentment melted away as I chose to focus on the good things my parents had done and the unspoken sacrifices they have made to provide for my needs and more. While I acknowledge that they could have refrained from saying certain damaging words and done some things differently in their parenting journey, I chose to take the first step of obedience to forgive them and see that while their words may have been harsh, their actions showed their love for me in many subtle ways.

GOD’S PLAN

Although the relationship with my parents is still not fully restored, I’ve healed from the emotional wounds of the past and learned to manage my emotions better when they say hurtful things. I’ve realised the importance of continuously forgiving them and learning to see things from their perspective. I’ve also reaped the benefits of setting boundaries; like not talking about sensitive issues which may lead to arguments, and not taking offence at every act of favouritism shown towards my brothers. I used to be troubled by how dysfunctional my family is, but I now know that sin is present everywhere, even in the most harmonious of families.

GOD HAS PLACED ME IN MY FAMILY FOR A BIGGER PURPOSE.

For some of us, the breakdown in our family runs even deeper, perhaps veering into physical and sexual abuse. In those cases, while these lessons of forgiveness are still relevant, we do have to handle the wounds differently — daring to seek help from the necessary people, and not bearing the shame and silence alone.

While a complete reconciliation may take a long time in my family, I know that God wants me not to hold on to bitterness, but to hold on to hope and His promise in Ephesians 6:2–3 that if I honour my father and mother, it will go well with me. Like Joseph who believed that it was not his brothers who sent him to Egypt but God Himself (Gen 45:8), I am beginning to see that God has placed me in my family for a bigger purpose, to be a crucible of grace and a vessel of salvation.

If your family is not the epitome of harmony right now, take heart and hold on to the hope that like Joseph’s broken family who ultimately reunited and grew old together, God’s redemptive plan will be visible in your family as well!

What Song Joong-Ki Taught Me About Romance

Roxane Ng — Wed, 29 Nov 2017 16:00:00 +0000

I’m not a fan of romantic dramas, but when a clip from Descendants of the Sun (DOTS) appeared on my Facebook feed last year, I was immediately hooked. There is something about the intensity of the unabashed pursuit of Dr. Kang Mo-Yeon (played by Song Hye-Kyo) by Captain Yoo Si-Jin (played by Song Joong-Ki) that attracted me to the actor who portrayed him. After the drama ended, I searched online like an ahjumma (Korean for a middle-aged lady) for signs of the main leads secretly dating.

So, I was delighted when it was revealed that these two stars were set to be married! Fangirling aside, observing their relationship has made me think deeper about romance. Here are some lessons I’ve learnt:

#1 EXCLUSIVE TIME TOGETHER SPARKS ROMANCE

I’ve found that when two people spend a lot of exclusive time together, there’s a high chance that one or both parties will become emotionally attached, whether they intended for it to happen or not. Before Song Joong-Ki, Song Hye-Kyo also dated two other co-stars. Nam Joo-Hyuk and Lee Sung-Kyung, the leads of the drama Weightlifting Fairy Kim Bok-Joo, and Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie, the leads of the movie Mr. and Mrs. Smith, also took their on- screen romances off-screen.

It may sound like common sense to be careful of who you’re spending a lot of time with, but it’s common sense that we don’t often heed. I remember getting closer to a guy whom I saw as my best friend because of our many similar interests. We had long late-night conversations, met up for supper regularly, laughed at the same jokes and listened to the same bands. I thought this was the perfect platonic friendship between a female and male until the day he confessed his feelings for me.

The Bible calls us to guard our heart, for everything we do flows from it (Prov 4:23). While spending time with someone we are getting to know better is not a bad thing in itself, I did not set boundaries and our one-on-one time allowed me to become emotionally attached to a person I had no intention of dating. This resulted in a lot of pain later on when we struggled with defining our relationship status and even more heartache when our ambiguous friendship eventually ended. If you are spending a lot of exclusive time with someone, you might want to do a heart check, pray, and seek God about where the friendship is heading, before diving into deeper emotional intimacy.

SONG JOONG -KI HIMSELF SAID OF CAPTAIN YOO, “DO YOU THINK MEN LIKE HIM REALLY EXIST? HE SEEMS LIKE A FANTASY.”

#2 THERE IS NO PERFECT GUY

Let’s face it: Song Joong-Ki as Captain Yoo looks like the perfect lover. While watching DOTS, I started wishing that my husband was more like Captain Yoo — that he could be slimmer, read my mind, or display his love in an extravagant way when I least expect it.

Then I read an interview where Song Joong- Ki himself said of Captain Yoo, “Do you think men like him really exist? He seems like a fantasy.” Interestingly, the DOTS scriptwriter (who is also behind other popular dramas like Secret Garden, The Heirs, and Goblin), Kim Eun-Sook, confessed that although she is aware that most of her scripts are unrealistic, they provide escapism for female viewers and she writes to let them enjoy the fantasy. Captain Yoo may capture my heart, but it’s become obvious that he is a “perfect guy” that doesn’t exist in real life — even Song Joong-Ki finds he can’t compare!

If you are in a relationship, you may be disappointed that your boyfriend isn’t more ‘K-drama perfect’. If you’re single, you might be on the lookout for your Captain Yoo and finding it impossible. These unmet expectations may leave you feeling disillusioned or disappointed but as Christians we know one thing — there is only one perfect man who exists. Jesus is the perfect “image of the invisible God” (Col 1:15). He is always patient and kind, knows our mind, and displayed his love by dying for us on the cross even though we don’t deserve it.

#3 THE WEDDING IS NOT THE GOAL

Now that a whirlwind romance has led to their wedding, it’s easy to think that the Song-Song couple has found their happily- ever-after. But after five years of marriage, I’ve realised that while the media often glamourises proposals and weddings, these milestones are just the start of a lifelong commitment.

In fact, most dramas only show the start of a relationship, which is when the level of intensity and excitement is high. The couple is finding out new things about each other, sharing first times, and dreaming about the future. As I watched these dramas, I grew discontented with my own marriage. But without showing the hard work behind every relationship, the dramas set us up for disappointment. The truth is that long-term relationships often settle into a comfortable and less exciting familiarity (nothing wrong with that though!). I wonder what viewers would think of DOTS if it focuses on Dr. Kang and Captain Yoo ten years into their relationship? (Think endless laundry, trying to manage kids, and keeping up with various financial matters!)

These false illusions of romance might have led to the increasingly casual attitude toward divorce and break-ups. In reality, love is not truly expressed when your lover interrupts your call by hitting your phone out of your hand, ties your shoelaces for you, or suddenly pulls you in for a kiss. Love is shown when he controls his anger or when you choose not to pressure him to be ‘K-drama perfect’. True love is a lifetime of choosing and loving each other again and again. First Corinthians 13 captures perfectly what real love looks like from God’s point of view — selfless and other-centred!

AS I WATCHED THESE DRAMAS , I GREW DISCONTENTED WITH MY OWN MARRIAGE

THE REAL #LIFEGOAL: EYES ON THE PRIZE

Is your idea of romance or marriage shaped by what you have been watching? Is your ideal man merely a figment of your (or some screenwriter’s) imagination? Did DOTS and the Song-Song wedding leave you craving for love?

Paul describes the church as a bride (2 Cor 11:2). Jesus is the Bridegroom who will come back for us, His Bride. Whether we are single or not, this is the epic marriage that we are all called to prepare for! He is the only prize that ultimately matters. At the end of the day, let’s not be obsessed with false illusions of romance, but seek to build relationships that are meant to point us to God, who has shown us what true love really is.

Dare To Say Yes

Roxane Ng — Fri, 29 Jul 2016 16:00:00 +0000

I thought I had found the dream guy at 20. He was smart, witty, liked the same music I did and we often had long conversations deep into the night. There was only one thing we didn’t have in common – God. And that caused a year-long tension in our vague relationship.

As he put it one day, “So, we’re sort of dating, but we can’t hold hands in public?” I remember being speechless when I heard that and knew right away that I couldn’t continue like this anymore.

God had been prompting me to let go of the relationship, but I was reluctant. “He’s perfect! What if I can’t find another guy like him? What if no one else finds me attractive? Why would God ask me to give up something so good?” – these were some of the questions I had. Fear of the unknown, of heartbreak and of losing out were preventing me from taking that step of obedience. When the relationship finally ended, the only thing left for me to do was to trust that God had a better plan than I did for my life.

What is God calling you to obey Him in? It could be abandoning the double life you’ve been leading in order to fit in. It could be a questionable habit that He wants you to quit. It could be to walk a radically different path from your peers. The truth is, God is not a dictator who demands our blind obedience. He calls us to obey Him because we are meant to be like Him – holy in thought and speech and action.

THE COST OF OBEDIENCE

But there seems to be an inverse relationship between comfort and change. The more comfortable we are, the more resistant we are to change. We naturally take comfort in certainty. Wading into the unknown, on the other hand, requires immense courage. When God told Moses to lead the Israelites out of Egypt, Moses had immediate doubts. He basically told God, “I am not important enough; they won’t listen to me! I am not a good speaker… Please send someone else” (Exodus 3:11-4:13). I wonder if Moses was reluctant to leave the familiarity of his life or feeling insecure and fearful of what the Israelites might think of him. It took some time for God to remind him of His sovereignty and power before Moses eventually obeyed.

I also wonder how many of us choose not to obey because we fear the sacrifices and potential pain. I know that’s how I feel at times. I once hesitated to go on a mission trip even though I felt a burden in my heart to go. I was fearful of being in a foreign land with people I barely knew. I could hardly afford the air-ticket too and these seemed to be enough reason to doubt His call.

GOD IS NOT A DICTATOR WHO DEMANDS OUR BLIND OBEDIENCE

Like Moses, perhaps you know that your obedience might invite opposition. Reaching out to the outcast in your class might cause you to be excluded too; choosing to leave a gossip session might provoke your friends to gossip about you; an act of faith might prompt unkind teasing.

But even Jesus was not spared. No matter who He tried to reach out to, whether the poor and downtrodden, the rich and privileged, or those perceived to be immoral and corrupt, he was plagued with opposition. Even the act of healing someone on the “wrong” day was met with criticism (Mark 3:1-6; Luke 13:10-17)! Obeying God is never easy – it requires us to be courageous, to persevere, and to trust that His plan is perfect.

THE POWER OF ‘YES’

When Moses finally said ‘yes’ to God, he began a journey that included carrying out nature-defying acts and witnessing miracles testifying to God’s great power. More incredibly, his relationship with God was such that God frequently spoke to Moses as a friend. The best thing is that his story of obedience isn’t unique! When Queen Esther was challenged by Mordecai to approach the King and appeal for the lives of the Jews, she was facing possible death. Not only did she survive and save an entire nation, she got to experience for herself the sovereignty of a King above all Kings.

When Jesus called Peter to step out of the boat and walk on water, He was inviting Peter into a deeper level of trust and faith in Him. Peter’s reward was not so much getting to walk on water, but immediately and powerfully experiencing God’s faithfulness, goodness, and reliability.

When God placed that burden on my heart to go on a mission trip, He did not let me down either. While deciding whether or not to go, I mustered up the courage to believe that if God has called me, He would have a plan to get me there. God did not fail. I told my non-believing superior about my desire to go and he not only extended my internship period but also blessed me with extra money needed for the trip! This small act of obedience led me to experience God’s providence in an unexpected way.

THE REWARD OF OBEDIENCE IS NOT RICHES NOR COMFORT... IT IS A LIFE OF ADVENTURE WITH THE MAKER OF HEAVEN AND EARTH

Trust requires small steps of faith. Despite their fears, Moses, Esther, and Peter chose to place their trust in a God whom they found to be absolutely trustworthy, and I did the same.

The reward of obedience is not riches nor comfort. It’s not a guarantee to a life free from pain, sickness, and suffering. Neither is it a ticket to fame and glory. The reward is in living the life that God created us for. The pleasure is in discovering how His plans and purposes for us are perfect. The prize is a life of adventure with the Maker of heaven and earth.

Dare to say ‘Yes’ to God, dare to answer His call, and dare to live an outstanding life. In Joshua 1:9, “Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged,’ is followed by the promise “for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go.” This is His promise to us as well. Don’t let fear hinder you from experiencing what He can do in your life.