Family – Kallos

A Mother’s Day Interview with Shermaine Wong

Alina Teo — Thu, 11 May 2023 23:03:00 +0000

AUNTY JOYCE

In 2021, at the height of Covid, Shermaine’s mother was called home to be with God. “Auntie Joyce” was what many knew her by. Auntie Joyce was the face and heart of Safe Place for its residents. She was the resident helper. She was the one who made sure the mothers and babies were provided for, comfortable and well-adjusted to living in the home. Auntie Joyce’s smile warmed everyone who met her and just as Christ did, she gave of herself to serve others.

Auntie Joyce was also a mother herself to Shermaine and her brother, Shawn.

This Mother’s Day, we interview Shermaine as a tribute to her beautiful, big-hearted mother who loved God above all else, gave of herself to others wholeheartedly and lived a full life which continues to have its impact on the lives she touched.

INTERVIEW WITH SHERMAINE WONG

Describe your mother in three words.
Gentle. Humble. Authentic.

What was your favourite thing to do with your mother?
We loved chatting. We talked about how things were with her and with me and we enjoyed watching shows together.

What were your mother’s favourite sayings?
“Don’t want, done.”
When she didn’t quite like something, she was too nice to say so. She’d just comment,“It’s something different.”

What is one of the most important things you have learned from your mother?
I think I learned how important and effective prayer is. My mother taught me how to submit my requests to God instead of solving it on my own. I remember her praying a lot. She would say, “I’m going to pray,” and head into her room for like an hour. Even when we were difficult as teenagers, she prayed.

When my kids are older, I want to also cultivate the same habit and say to them, “BRB. I’m gonna pray.”

How has your mother impacted your relationship with God?
She really showed me how to live a life of faith. She worked towards doing the right thing, living out a Christ-like nature. She took her faith seriously and showed me not to take my salvation for granted.

If your mother were a picture, what would she be? Why?
A little cottage in the countryside, surrounded by greenery. A cosy and bright place. That’s how she made people feel. Comfortable and warm. That was her dream.

As a mother yourself now, how has your own mother influenced you?
My mother was always very patient with us. She prayed and placed her trust in God. She was able to healthily let go at the right time. She trusted God that her kids would be okay when she chose to let go. She was very wise and discerning. She is a role model for me.

If you have a word to encourage girls/women in their relationship with their mother, what would it be?
Sometimes, you may really not like your mum. It’s normal to find your mother irritating, especially at a certain age. I also found my mother irritating when I was younger.

During my teenage years, it was really tough. I think she also didn’t like me a lot. She told my dad to “deal with me” as she could not tahan me. It was mutual and it was not easy.

Understand that what you feel [at a given moment] doesn’t define your relationship with your mother for the rest of your life. As I grew older, we became closer.

Remember that your mum is doing the best that she can at any given moment. Considering all the resources she has, including her own upbringing, biases, perspectives and shortcomings, she’s doing the best that she can. Appreciate that factor and know that ultimately, she does the best she can because she loves you.

God is good and He has given you — mother and daughter — to each other to be family. Even if your mother is difficult, it gives you space to grow, to depend on God. It is a matter of shifting our perspective to lean on God for help in things we cannot change. There is no down-side to it. You come out of it closer to God and that’s what matters.

The reality is that God loves us even when we are difficult. With that in mind, hopefully that gives us more grace to love and give to our mothers.

GOD'S GOOD PURPOSE

Every one of us has our own story. Each mother is different. Yet, we can be assured that God gave us to our mothers and our mothers to us for a good purpose. Even if you may not be able to see that good purpose right now, trust God to reveal that in His time.

When I read about the courage Moses’ mother, Jochebed, had in protecting and saving the life of her baby boy in the face of all oppositions and risks (Exod 1:8–2:10; 6:20) and about the mother who was willing to give up her baby to another woman to save his life (1 Kings 3:16–28), I have a deeper understanding of how God uses our mothers to shape our lives.

For some, your relationship with your mother may be an easy one. Celebrate and appreciate your mother for who she has been to you. Give thanks to God for that gift! For others, your relationship with your mother may be a difficult one and it may be hard to understand the pain you’ve had to go through. Take comfort in knowing that God is perfect and people are far from perfect. As a daughter, you are not any less or less loved just because your mother may have failed you. Take heart that your worth is not tied up to how good or how messy your relationship with your mother is. Run to God and let Him cover the imperfections with His perfection. He is your refuge and you are safe in Him (Ps 46:1; 91:2; Prov 18:10).

God chose to form us in our mother’s womb so that we would be protected and nourished before entering the world. He knew the special role our mothers would have in our lives and He gave us to each other.

May this Mother’s Day hold celebration of relationship with our mothers and also the hope for the mending of broken relationships through Christ.

Surrendering My Sister

Kallos Team — Fri, 01 Apr 2022 07:44:00 +0000

With the knowledge that time with her sister is limited, AMANDA NG determined to make every moment count. She shares the joys, heartaches, and rewards of leaving school to care for her sister.

When my sister was born, I was prepared to be a good older sister. I planned to protect my baby sister from bullies and anyone that would hurt her. But what I didn’t know was that I couldn’t protect Amelia from the realities of life. While other siblings are journeying together through their school life, dating life, work life, or eventually marriage life, Amelia and I are journeying towards making memories before death knocks on her door.

Amelia was a smart toddler growing up and I loved her company. However, when she was around 14 months old, my mum started noticing that Amelia was crying and hitting her head with her hands a lot. She brought Amelia to the doctors but no one was able to explain what was wrong. After a few more months, my mum realised that Amelia was struggling to crawl. From that year on, we saw a rapid decline in her condition. She was losing all her physical abilities. By the time she turned two, she was unable to crawl, sit, or babble. When she was five, Amelia started having seizures that were so severe that she needed the strongest epilepsy drug available. My younger sister that was once able to sit and call me jiejie (Mandarin for older sister) is now bed-bound, tube-fed, and requiring round-the-clock care.

A STEP OF FAITH

There was a time when Amelia was frequently admitted to the hospital, and every few months, we had to visit her in the high dependency ward or the Intensive Care Unit (ICU). As a family, we have had to learn how to remove her phlegm via suction so that it doesn’t obstruct her airways. There are also moments when Amelia’s oxygen rate can drop, causing her to turn pale and blue due to the lack of oxygen to her brain, which is life-threatening. We have had to resuscitate Amelia with medical equipment to force air into her lungs to help her breathe again.

One day when I was 13 years old, when my dad and I arrived home after he had picked me up from school, we heard screams. Inside the house, I saw my 10-year-old sister looking lifeless and turning a pale blue. Miraculously, my dad succeeded in getting her breathing again. That night while Amelia was in the hospital, I couldn’t sleep. I wondered, if I had lost Amelia today, did I made enough memories with her?

I WONDERED, IF I HAD LOST AMELIA TODAY, HAD I MADE ENOUGH MEMORIES WITH HER?

Towards the end of the 2017, God dropped the idea of home-schooling into my heart. It was something I had never considered, but it was the only way I could spend more time with my younger sister. When I approached my parents about it, their answer was a firm NO! However, a few weeks later, God showed my mum that home-schooling isn’t just about my education. It was giving me an opportunity to explore my life the way God wanted. We prayed as a family and felt peace to go ahead with the school withdrawal after my Secondary 2 year-end exams.

GLORIFYING GOD’S NAME

Through my four years of home-schooling, Amelia and I have become best friends. As Amelia is non-verbal, communication looks different for us. It requires patience from both parties, and can sometimes feel like a guessing game. Amelia was often frustrated when we couldn’t understand her, so my mum taught her to blink or swallow her saliva if she wants to say yes, and to ignore us when she wants to say no. In 2018, we started Amelia on an eye-gazing device in the hope that it would help her communicate with us. With the help of a therapist and the eye-gazing community, she was able to use icons to communicate her thoughts and views. She was able to play games with her eyes, draw, and finally tell us what she likes and dislikes. The machine gave Amelia her voice back!

After I started home-schooling, I took up the role of helping to resuscitate Amelia. I can barely keep track of the number of times I have had to do it. Our home has become like a mini ICU, with Amelia hooked up to oxygen tanks and various machines to keep her alive. One night in June 2020, Amelia was admitted into ICU. Her condition had become so critical that the doctors didn’t know if she was going to make it through the night. Her heart rate, blood pressure, and temperature were lower than usual. During that season, many came forward to share these verses with us:

“For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.” (Psalm 139:13–14)

The verses reminded us as a family that Amelia was created wonderfully and made specially by God. Amelia is not a mistake and she is here to glorify God’s name. When we brought Amelia home, the doctors told us that she was going to die soon. The fact that she made it through that night was already a miracle. The fact that she is alive today is a wonder. To this day, no one knows how her body is coping with a very low temperature of 32–34 degrees and a low heart rate when she is asleep.

WALKING IN SURRENDER

Time and time again, God has shown us that despite her physical challenges, He created Amelia perfectly in every way. Death is not a taboo subject in our family. Amelia has experienced countless near-death experiences, and each time she comes back to us, she confirms that she has seen Jesus, and I believe she truly has. Whenever we ask her if she knows what heaven is, and whether she believes that God has His plan for her and His plan isn’t finished, she swallows to tell us “yes”. Despite all the trials in her life, Amelia is now a teenager with so much strength and will to live. Even so, I strongly believe that it is only by God’s love and His grace upon my family that she has lived this long.

HE IS IN CONTROL OF AMELIA’S LIFE AND HER JOURNEY WITH US.

Just a week before Amelia’s 15th birthday last year, she was finally given a diagnosis for her condition — Infantile Neuroaxonal Dystrophy (INAD). This rare condition with no cure affects only 150 kids living worldwide. Amelia is the first case in Singapore. Children with INAD eventually lose their physical and mental skills, and most pass on before the age of 10. That stunned us. Statistically, Amelia was supposed to have died five years ago! It was like God telling us once again that He is in control of Amelia’s life and her journey with us.

Our family has made the difficult decision to not bring Amelia back to the hospital if her condition becomes critical again, because Amelia wants to receive palliative care at home and leave this world with everyone she loves and everyone who loves her by her side. It’s the toughest decision we have made but we know that as the time draws nearer, God has been preparing us gently as a family.

INAD has stolen everything from Amelia — from the ability to stand, crawl, and cry when she was a child, to the ability to breathe, eat, and move on her own now. But one thing that INAD will never steal is her fighting spirit. We don’t know if Amelia will make it to her 16th birthday this year, but I know that she is a warrior, a fighter, and a light to many others.

Her life is a miracle that medical science says is impossible. But just as Jesus says in Matthew 19:26, “With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.”

Dear Kallos: One of my friend’s parents recently got divorced. I’m very worried for her, what should I do?

Alina Teo — Fri, 01 Apr 2022 04:38:00 +0000

One of my friend’s parents recently got divorced, and now she has to do a lot more things at home and be a ‘mother’ to her sister. Her father is very busy, so she has to do most of the housework. I’m very worried for her, what should I do? - Concerned

dear Concerned,

I’m so sorry to hear about your friend’s difficulties. Yet, she is blessed to have a friend in you who wants to tangibly extend help to her.

Divorce is a big blow to families and the pain of it often follows each family member for a long time. Someone outside of the family would find it hard to really understand how that family works and what kind of culture they have. Personally, I think it is important to watch our words and reactions, so that we don’t make the other person feel worse or judged by us. A good guide is to be quick to listen and slow to speak (Jas 1:19). Although you may not fully understand what your friend is going through, your heartfelt presence and care can make a world of difference for her.

One way to help her may be to suggest talking to a counsellor in school. Although divorce in families can be a very private matter, talking about it with someone whom she can trust to keep things confidential can help to clear doubts or manage fear and hurt. Your friend will eventually have to walk through her possible emotions of hurt, anger, and guilt, and having someone like a counsellor who is trained to journey with her can be very helpful.

On your part, you can write about Bible verses that have been helpful to you as a source of encouragement to her. Share about our good God who is faithful and will never ever leave her (Heb 13:5). Share your own stories of how God has been close to you and encourage her to call out to God on her own.

Finally, pray. Pray that she will know that she is valuable, and the divorce is not her fault. Pray for opportunities to share the gospel with her, so that she can have an eternal hope in Christ. Don’t underestimate the power of prayer. God hears and He is working even if we don’t see it. Even if it may seem that you may not be able to directly help your friend in her current difficulties, your friendship can offer a soothing balm for her soul. Keep being a good friend and trust God to take care of her too!

Dear Kallos: Is it possible to take God for granted?

Alina Teo — Tue, 01 Mar 2022 14:39:00 +0000

I’m just wondering, is it possible to take God for granted? How can I prevent myself from doing so? - Curious

dear Curious,

Thank you for your honest question. To me, taking someone for granted often happens when we don’t remember what the person has done or is doing for us. We fail to appreciate and even take advantage of the other person’s goodness or kindness by acting carelessly.

Therefore, simply put, yes, we can take God for granted if we carry wrong attitudes toward Him, place other people or things above Him, and fail to give Him the honour and glory He deserves. In His grace, God gives us the privilege to enter into a relationship with Him. If we do not grab hold of this privilege, we end up missing the weight of His sacrifice and taking Him for granted.

In the Bible, God constantly instructed the Israelites to remember. The Israelites were told to tell of God’s wonders to their children (e.g. Deut 6; Joel 1:3, Ps 145:4), so that each generation would not forget what God had done. God keeps calling His people to remember, as He knows how forgetful humans are (e.g. Isa 17:10; Jer 2:32; Hos 8:14).

By choosing to keep recalling His goodness and love for us — such as through regular Bible-reading and prayer — we are actively fighting the tendency to take God for granted. God Almighty laid aside His majesty, humbled Himself to come to us as Jesus (Phil 2:6–8), and gave His life for us in order to redeem us to Himself (Mark 10:45; Gal 2:20). I personally would not want to take such a God for granted. Rather, my prayer is that I may surrender my life to Him, and empty myself of my privileges so that God may use me for His purposes. I pray that this would be your heart’s desire too.

Dear Kallos: How can my boyfriend and I be “pure” before marriage?

Alina Teo — Wed, 01 Dec 2021 03:52:00 +0000

My boyfriend and I believe in having sex only after marriage but recently began touching each other’s bodies intimately. I am quite insecure and gave in to temptation often so I could feel “wanted.” I feel that our actions aren’t healthy nor holy, but I don’t really understand why, since we aren’t technically having sex. What does the Bible say about how to behave in a romantic relationship, and what is “pure” before marriage? - Strong-wannabe

dear Strong-wannabe,

Your desire to become a strong woman of God is so precious; don’t ever give that up! It’s clear that you want Christ to be at the centre of your relationship. This includes following what the Bible teaches about healthy and holy behaviour, even when it might not be what either of you prefer at the moment. I’m glad to hear you and your boyfriend share the same commitment to only having sex after marriage. But let’s take a step back and ask what makes this a good commitment and how exactly it is meant to be kept.

What is called “sexual immorality” or “fornication” in the Bible is basically sex with someone you not married to (Heb 13:4). By committing to only having sex after marriage, you are staying away from sexual sin (Song 2:7). Warnings against sin are always for our own good — when sex becomes the basis for a relationship, it can stifle its development and hide important issues. And if you have sinned — remember that it is not you but Jesus who makes you right before God when you ask for his forgiveness.

Does no sex before marriage really mean no sexual intercourse only? What about everything that comes just before crossing that line — touching private parts or other actions that intentionally arouse the other? Sexual activity takes many forms. Did you know that when the Bible teaches about holiness in sexual matters, it doesn’t just talk about guarding your own body (1 Cor 6:18–20), but also helping the other person to lead a holy life (1 Thess 4:1–8)?

Sexual holiness is not just about what you don’t do, but what you do to help each other keep right before God. So, it’s not enough to just keep clear of that line. Your instinct about whether a particular action is healthy or holy should be a good indication of whether you and your boyfriend should stop doing it. Talk about the help you need from each other. For example, if one person is aroused by the other’s hugs, then not hugging may be the way to go. It isn’t about being legalistic or forbidding all physical contact, but understanding and honouring each other, and ultimately God, with your intentions and actions.

I hear your fears of not being desirable to your boyfriend. But may I ask if you would want to be with someone who would put his own desires above you and God? Perhaps what your boyfriend needs is a firmer stand from you, but I urge you first of all to find security in how deeply precious you are to God! No one else can ever be you and you are worth more than you can ever imagine. Don’t believe lies about yourself, but rather soak yourself in God’s Word and let His love define you.

Dear Kallos: I am worried for a friend, what can I do?

Kallos Team — Mon, 01 Nov 2021 06:49:00 +0000

I am worried for my friend. Her pocket money was reduced as a punishment, and she is already extremely skinny! Sometimes, she comes to school physically or mentally hurt, and also says that she and her sister are fighting for favour from her parents. I want to help her, but I don’t know what to do! - Worried

dear Worried,

It must be a very difficult time for your friend right now. We’re glad you want to help her in a tangible way, so here are some suggestions for how to do so.

Firstly, by being there to listen to her, you are already supporting her in a very meaningful way. Keep being that listening ear and even a shoulder for her to cry on. Find little ways to encourage her, like writing her cards or giving her small gifts if this is within your budget.

If she is a believer or open to hearing about God, further encourage her by sharing how God has been real in your life and how you trust in Him to help you. Let her know that there is a God who cares about her, who hears her cries, and who wants to be her refuge and hope (Ps 91:2).

Secondly, if it is within your means, share some of your food with her, such as a packed lunch or some biscuits. If her pocket money is not sufficient, encourage her to be honest with her parents and explain to them the school canteen prices and how much she really needs for a wholesome diet.

However, it sounds like your friend has a complicated relationship with her parents as she tries to earn their favour and compete with her sister. Remind her that her worth is not tied to her parent’s approval but that she has been created uniquely. Share this precious Scripture with her: “I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made” (Ps 139:14). Tell her what specific qualities you appreciate about her, and why you value her as a friend. Build up her self-esteem by showering her with encouraging words. Healing from her wounds and learning to be secure will be a long process for your friend, but starting with the truth of who she is will make a difference.

Lastly, encourage your friend to share what she is going through with a teacher or school counsellor who has other resources to help her. It is important to speak up, especially if she is getting hurt physically. Your concern is valid, and we hope you can share it with a caring teacher who can help to protect your friend.

Keep being a friend to her and praying for her. We believe your friend is encountering God’s love through you and that is amazing! Keep going!

I Fever Felt My Mum Loved Me

Kallos Team — Mon, 01 Nov 2021 06:42:00 +0000

“Just xx more years until I can move out…” This phrase was my mantra growing up.

My relationship with my family has always been tumultuous. My mother could be verbally and physically abusive: throwing knives at me, beating me until my flesh was exposed, and constantly degrading me publicly. She unceasingly reminded me that I was born so that my older brother would not be an only child, and she never wanted me. Since that was my only experience of parental love, my idea of what love entailed remained transactional — to be loved, I had to earn it. The fear of not being ‘enough’ to receive my parents’ love made me feel like I was constantly walking on eggshells. All I wanted was to escape, so I looked forward to going to university and being able to stay on campus. That seemed to be the only way to avoid the fights and find some peace.

As I grew older, I realised that my view towards my family started to affect my relationship with those around me. Since my concept of love had always been transactional, I did things for people expecting them to give me something in return. My relationship with my family also affected my view of God. I couldn’t understand His unconditional love, and how He could be a good father. I didn’t choose to be a part of this family, and it was easy to blame God for putting me in this position. I even
asked why God hated me so such that He would place me in this family.

Through prayer and reflection, God helped me see that He did not place me here by mistake. He impressed upon my heart a desire to discover what my role in this family was, and to mend my relationship with my mother in particular.

God spoke to me through Exodus 20:12 to honour my parents. I wondered if I was disobeying God by being resentful towards my family. I decided to submit this relationship to God, to trust in His power to heal it, and trust that I would be able to love them like God has loved me. Though there wasn’t any obvious change in my family, I started to see a change in my heart.

This journey has not been easy. Despite my best efforts, there are moments when I feel like I’m back at square one. For example, after a recent argument with my mother, my anger was so overwhelming, and I caught myself spiralling into past memories of all the ways she had hurt me before. The years of trying to improve our relationship felt like it had been in vain.

But through the years of submitting our relationship to God and growing active communication with my mother, I see that our relationship is much better than before. It is only through God’s unwavering love and power that I have been able to see such healing and breakthrough in our relationship, no matter how deep the hurt has been. No matter what challenges may come, I know that I can continue to lean on God’s strength and healing power in this journey of reconciliation.

My Parents Messed Up. Now What?

Roxane Ng — Sat, 01 May 2021 02:46:00 +0000

“There’s nothing good about her.” That was my mother’s curt reply to a relative who asked her to say a few good things about me. The remark cut like a knife. I had thought that I would be used to such callousness by now, but tears still welled up in my eyes.

Growing up, I’ve had words like “stupid”, “irresponsible”, and “uncaring” carelessly used to describe me. At first, I attempted to reason with my parents, but this only resulted in intense quarrels. There was even once when I walked away from them in the middle of a heated argument … on the way to a relative’s house during Chinese New Year! I ended up going to my best friend’s house instead, and there, I burst into tears, telling her how I felt so misunderstood. When I concluded that nothing I could do would ever be good enough, my efforts to do well in school and please my parents came to a standstill.

Gradually, I developed a new coping mechanism. Every time I was hurt by my parents’ words and behaviour, I would go to my room and withdraw from them. I became resentful of their seeming lack of love for me and found no reason to continue trying to impress them. I was bitter that they favoured my brothers over me and was angry that life was so unfair.

The hurt and pain within me festered and I found it hard to love my family.

Eventually, I stopped caring about them.

SOME THINGS ARE JUST IMPOSSIBLE?

After accepting Christ, it felt like I had found a new and ‘better’ family in the form of the church, my leaders, and friends. My life had a renewed sense of purpose and I thought things were finally looking up!

THE HURT AND PAIN WITHIN ME FESTERED AND I FOUND IT HARD TO LOVE MY FAMILY.

Yet, as I grew in knowledge of the Word, the call to honour my parents as one of the ten commandments gnawed at me. I began to feel an inner conflict between wanting to obey God and holding firm to my belief that respect and honour had to be earned. More importantly, how would I tear down the walls in my heart that I had painstakingly built, and honour these people who had become like strangers living in the same house? I thought, “I just can’t do this!”

During a particular church service on Mother’s Day, the pastor challenged us to send a text message with “I love you, Mum!” to our mothers on the spot. People around me started taking out their phones and typing away, but my heart was so hardened, and I remained unmoved. I couldn’t bring myself to do such a simple act. I wondered if perhaps, there are just some relationships that are too difficult to repair.

EVEN THE BEST PARENTS ARE SINNERS

One day as I was reading the story of Joseph in Genesis 37–50, something intrigued me. Joseph came from a very dysfunctional family. Among other family issues, he was hated by his own brothers, and was eventually sold into slavery by them. This cruel act caused him to face plenty of hardship and injustice all alone in a foreign land. It would have been perfectly understandable if he swore to settle the score or vowed to throw them into a pit someday. Yet, instead of holding on to bitterness in his heart, he saw his situation as a part of God’s redemptive plan (Gen 50:20). I remember being in disbelief at how Joseph responded to his brothers with kindness and generosity when he met them again after 22 years!

The dramatic transformation in Joseph’s family inspired me to begin a journey of processing and understanding what went wrong in my family, and how I could respond to them with kindness and generosity the way Joseph did. I heeded good advice to seek biblical counselling and began to see my parents with fresh eyes.

I’ve heard the saying that family is supposed to be our safe haven. Unfortunately, that’s not always true. Every day in the news, we see stories of parents abusing their children (and vice versa!), siblings taking each other to court … the list goes on. Even the Bible is filled with stories of dysfunctional families and parents who messed up!

There was Abraham who, under Sarah’s influence, chased away his servant Hagar and mother of his own offspring Ishmael; Isaac and Rebekah, who played favourites with their twin sons; Laban, who promised Jacob he could marry his younger daughter Rachel, only to do a bride swap on the wedding day so that his older daughter, Leah, would not be left on the shelf; and many more.

Slowly, I saw that my parents are sinful and broken people who have gone through difficult times of their own too. They were also brought up by flawed human beings and were simply modelling what they had experienced in their own childhoods. In fact, I found out that my maternal grandmother had died when my mother was only 14! Because of my grandmother’s passing, not only was the privilege of attending school taken away from my mum, she also had to quickly grow up and ‘mother’ her younger siblings too. This made me realise that her harsh criticisms of me merely reflected the expectations that were laid on her at a very young age.

I SAW THAT MY PARENTS ARE SINFUL AND BROKEN PEOPLE WHO HAVE GONE THROUGH DIFFICULT TIMES OF THEIR OWN TOO.

My anger and resentment melted away as I chose to focus on the good things my parents had done and the unspoken sacrifices they have made to provide for my needs and more. While I acknowledge that they could have refrained from saying certain damaging words and done some things differently in their parenting journey, I chose to take the first step of obedience to forgive them and see that while their words may have been harsh, their actions showed their love for me in many subtle ways.

GOD’S PLAN

Although the relationship with my parents is still not fully restored, I’ve healed from the emotional wounds of the past and learned to manage my emotions better when they say hurtful things. I’ve realised the importance of continuously forgiving them and learning to see things from their perspective. I’ve also reaped the benefits of setting boundaries; like not talking about sensitive issues which may lead to arguments, and not taking offence at every act of favouritism shown towards my brothers. I used to be troubled by how dysfunctional my family is, but I now know that sin is present everywhere, even in the most harmonious of families.

GOD HAS PLACED ME IN MY FAMILY FOR A BIGGER PURPOSE.

For some of us, the breakdown in our family runs even deeper, perhaps veering into physical and sexual abuse. In those cases, while these lessons of forgiveness are still relevant, we do have to handle the wounds differently — daring to seek help from the necessary people, and not bearing the shame and silence alone.

While a complete reconciliation may take a long time in my family, I know that God wants me not to hold on to bitterness, but to hold on to hope and His promise in Ephesians 6:2–3 that if I honour my father and mother, it will go well with me. Like Joseph who believed that it was not his brothers who sent him to Egypt but God Himself (Gen 45:8), I am beginning to see that God has placed me in my family for a bigger purpose, to be a crucible of grace and a vessel of salvation.

If your family is not the epitome of harmony right now, take heart and hold on to the hope that like Joseph’s broken family who ultimately reunited and grew old together, God’s redemptive plan will be visible in your family as well!

Take The “In-Sane” Challenge

Quek Shiwei — Mon, 06 Jul 2020 16:19:00 +0000

CHALLENGE RULES

This will be a 2 weeks challenge.
Week 1: Colour daily with the sheets from Kallos’ Colouring Contest.
Week 2: Complete a 7 day art-journaling experience.
Concurrent:
– List down 2 skills you will like to try and commit to it
– Do something for your church friends
– Exercise at least twice a week

Challenger: AIMEE TAN, 15

2 Fun Facts:
1. I am one-eighth Japanese
2. I tie some of my rubbish into knots for fun

INITIAL THOUGHTS

When I was asked to take up this challenge, I was doing something similar since circuit breaker started. However, I decided to take it up because a challenge will require more discipline and intentionality on top of school homework! Apart from the Kallos colouring pages and art journaling activities, I’ve chosen embroidery and learning Japanese with a few friends to be two skills to hone. I confess that I have not been exercising much other than dancing (if that’s considered). I am also looking forward to doing things for my church friends. Challenge accepted!

THE CHALLENGE

Day 1
I woke up at 6a.m.! Probably must have felt too excited to start the challenge. I decided to do some colouring. Sheet 2 by Alyletters was interesting. Rather than colouring the sky all blue as usual, I tried adding a milky way though I’m not sure if those exist among the mountains. Outside the snow globe, the words were coloured grey. Inside, they were full of colour. It symbolised that in God’s presence, there is light and joy.

Day 2
This morning, I did some conditioning exercises. I am a dancer but have not had proper classes for awhile and am less flexible! Also, my friends and I have been practicing how to say grace in Japanese. I do that now before every meal.

Day 3
I got to catch up with a childhood friend from church. It was really nice to talk to her again! In the evening, I got to colour a bit. Sheet 3 by Kristen reminded me of two of my school friends. Sometimes, I struggle with the friendship as they like to gossip about others. However, Proverbs 17:17 reminds me to love them, regardless of their actions.

Day 4
I finished colouring Sheet 3 and started planning for a piece of embroidery! I wanted to do a scenery of a beach. I don’t have an embroidery frame, so I tried it on a stretch canvas instead. I painted a simple background before I started to sew. I am starting to feel restless because I have not gone out for so long!

Day 5
I started on Sheet 4 by @nommynoiks. It was hard to choose the colours, because there were many different possibilities! For my Japanese lesson today, I learnt the sinner’s prayer and the song ‘Jesus loves me’! I also danced today (that’s exercise, right?).

Day 6
I didn’t do much for the challenge today. I helped my mom with lunch and spent the day re-reading the Chronicles of Narnia by C.S. Lewis from my childhood days. It was a nice break.

Day 7
Sheet 5 talked about joy in His presence. I realised I have not been spending much time with God. That is probably why I’ve been feeling sad and tired. I should set aside time to talk to Him these next few days.

Day 8
Today, I started art journaling. The theme was on clouds. I was reminded of how God spoke to me using clouds last year saying “I’m in control” when things seemed messed up. Knowing He is always with me comforted me. For exercise today, I ran around the house.

Day 9
Today’s art journaling theme is ‘a nourished heart’. I drew a house to symbolize my heart. I should take better care of myself because God is living in me. I should also fill my heart with His love to spread it to others. <3 I started searching pictures of embroidered frog faces as I was inspired by a plain green hand towel. I can’t wait to start embroidering!

Day 10
I’ve been thinking of giving my friend something. Before the circuit breaker, we met a few times. She is very close to my heart. We have a lot in common, such as loving artsy things. I sent her something that I sewed to thank her for always encouraging and inspiring me.

Day 11
For art journaling today, I had to draw what I was thankful for. My doodle came out as a single picture altogether, because most of the time I list them out as individual items. I suppose each of them is just a piece of what He has given. Without God, we would not even be alive to be thankful!

Day 12
It was so nice seeing people and laughing together during Japanese lesson online today. It was hard to answer today’s reflections. The first thing I thought about was earthly treasures, but I remembered that those will fade away. My most important treasure is God’s word, and it made me wonder — would I be willing to give it away? Once, I panicked when I thought I lost my Bible. It would not be the same getting a new one, because it has all the notes I’ve made over the years. However, if someone else needs it more than me, would I be willing to give it to them?

Day 13
Today, I danced again and it was so fun. Today’s art journal theme made me reflect about community. The people in my spiritual community have been encouraging me to take small steps to know God more and giving me opportunities to learn about God more personally. I thank God for sending them in my walk with Him.

Day 14
The challenge passed so fast! In this crazy world, my heart wants to rest and be able to hear God even in the wildness. Today, I reflected on how peace is not the absence of torment, but it is experienced in the midst of it, because He is here with us. Also, I finally got to embroider today! It was meant to be a butterfly, but it did not turn out very clearly because of the lack of space.

FINAL THOUGHTS

This challenge gave me time to take a break from life. However, I felt like I could have managed my time better. Though the art journaling was not entirely faith-based, it was like a devotional for me. I should take more time to reflect daily. Even though I did not finish all the colouring sheets in time, it was fun experimenting with colours and playing with different possibilities! There is always something more to learn about art, and I should stay humble too!

Want to try your hand at art journaling?

Featuring 54 art therapy prompts, this is an art therapy journal that will encourage you to embark on a journey of self-discovery and take the time for self-care! Get your own copy below.

Finding Hope After My Parents’ Divorce

Isabelle Long — Wed, 13 May 2020 13:50:00 +0000

“Why me, God?”

“What am I going to do now?”

Perhaps you have asked these questions if you have had to face your parents’ impending divorce. You had to face this situation unwillingly. In such moments, you may try to find comfort and make sense of everything. You try to take things into your own hands to solve the situation. Perhaps you ended up being more confused and hurt than before. What hope can there be for a child of divorce then?

MAKING SENSE OF WHAT HAPPENED

Some of you might be wondering what divorce is all about and why your parents would want to go through such a process. You might have seen it coming, or had no idea until the news hit you. Many questions run through your mind as you try to understand the whole situation while dealing with your emotions.

You might blame yourself for perhaps unwittingly contributing to the divorce of your parents. Or you might be so annoyed with what is happening at home that you start to shut everyone out of your life, as you do not know how to handle this whole situation. At times, you feel like you are losing your mind and fears start to creep in, together with uncertainty about the future. Will you start to question even the love your parents have for you from now on? Who will you ‘belong’ to now? If there is one, do you feel angry or resentful toward the party that caused the divorce? Bitterness might also start to find its way into your life as you experience a major shift in life and experience changes.

A few weeks ago, 21-year-old Genevieve shared with me about her life before and after her parents’ divorce. She recalled that life had been difficult for her since she was a young child. “I struggled to understand why my parents were screaming at each other every night, and throwing things at one another.” Her mum and herself had to go through abuse and violence from her dad due to the vices that he was engaged in. “Even though I hated everything he had done to us, I still loved him,” Genevieve continued.

“EVEN THOUGH I HATED EVERYTHING HE HAD DONE TO US, I STILL LOVED HIM”

She went through a phase of abandonment by her parents after the divorce, as her mother had to be the sole breadwinner and she was left in the care of her grandparents. She lost a fatherly figure in her life and was bullied when she was 11. Life started to spiral downward for her and she had no one to turn to. Soon, negativity filled her life and she grew cold to the world around her and found relief through self-harm.

On the other hand, you might not feel much affected by the divorce of your parents. Joey, also 21 years old, shared with me that it was only when she was much older that she understood the divorce of her parents. She says, “There was not much bitterness or unforgiveness in my life as the love from my parents toward me remain unchanged”. She has faint memories of family moments and it was only in her JC (Junior College) days that the idea of being in a broken family hit her.

WHAT NOW?

When God pursues you and you respond, everything can change. Genevieve had two friends who did not give up in inviting her to church. Finally, she relented and she said yes to attending a church’s Christmas drama production. After hearing about the gospel, she finally felt truly loved as she learned of the sacrifice of Jesus at the cross and His love for us. Her life changed after accepting Christ into her life. Darkness was overshadowed by the light of Jesus. Slowly, her life began to be filled with light, purpose, joy and peace. She excelled in her studies and is now an assistant small group leader in her church.

For Joey, by the grace of God, the divorce of her parents actually brought her mum and herself to Christ. Her mum had been struggling with depression and “just wanted to know more about Christ” as she went through a job change. In the end, her mum’s new colleagues brought her mum to Christ and she started becoming healed of her brokenness. For Joey herself, it was her primary school classmates who influence her and helped her draw near to God and finally accept Christ.

GOING THROUGH A DIVORCE

I went through a divorce in my late twenties and it hit me real hard. It was a rollercoaster ride of emotions and there are just no words to describe them fully. I experienced disappointment, bitterness, shame, confusion, sadness, helplessness, anguish, and rejection. This tangled ball of emotions came my way and I could not fend them off. Just like how you might be feeling some of these emotions, your mum or dad might also be feeling this way too. Give them and yourself space and time to work through this tangled ball of emotions. It is actually fine and normal to feel this way.

It took me a year and a half of wandering in the wilderness to finally understand and accept that God is in control of my life. I had never expected to be walking this journey as my ex-husband and I were both Christians, rooted in God’s family. I believe your parents did not set out with this path in mind at the start too. None of us are perfect and we live in a fallen world. We make mistakes and we learn from them. However, we can take heart that no matter what happens, nothing can change God’s love for us or the fact that we are all His beloved children (John 1:12).

I clearly remember the days when overwhelming emotions and negativity choked me. Instead of leaning on God and allowing Him into my troubled world, I pushed Him far away and tried to solve everything by myself. I lost my appetite for food, suffered from insomnia, and resorted to self-harm to keep myself afloat and alive. This went on for many months and I broke the hearts of many friends and of God too. Yet, He picked me up and healed me when I allowed Him to.

INSTEAD OF LEANING ON GOD AND ALLOWING HIM INTO MY TROUBLED WORLD, I PUSHED HIM FAR AWAY AND TRIED TO SOLVE EVERYTHING BY MYSELF.

With time, I learned to surrender and lean on God. I cried out to God for help as He will always be close to those who are brokenhearted and His healing will be upon them. (Ps 34:18; 147:3). I experienced this first-hand as various forms of comfort would be made available to me whenever I felt overwhelmed.

Remember that our God is bigger than all that we face and our fears. He is our refuge and our strength! Take time to grieve for your loss and let reality sink in. Be truthful to your emotions. Most importantly, find friends who will act for your good no matter what and surround yourself with a close group within the Christian community. That was how Genevieve, Joey and myself got back on our feet and emerged victorious from our ordeal.

HOPE IN THE MIDST OF HOPELESSNESS

Just as God has forgiven us, it is also our duty to forgive others (Matt 6:14–15). Genevieve has learned to forgive others and allow others to love her. Joey hopes that she will be able to comfort those who are hurting in this area through her story. As for myself, I am no longer hurt and broken. I know that there is hope for me and children of divorce because we can place our hope in God, both now and forevermore (Ps 131:3).