Issue 39 – Kallos

What If God Made Me Pretty?

Agnes Lee — Wed, 13 May 2020 14:33:00 +0000

I am short, stocky, and average-looking.

Though I knew it was more important to be healthy than pretty, I wanted to be tall, pretty, and slim like my Barbie dolls and the lead actresses on TV.

So, around the age of 18, I decided that I wanted to change my appearance. Instead of my usual t-shirts and jeans, I started dressing more fashionably, wearing accessories, hats, and jackets. I also started wearing make-up whenever I went out. However, make-up could only cover my flaws, not change them.

In my early 20s, I met with an aesthetic doctor to talk about possible procedures to enhance my facial features. But after considering the risks and regular Botox injections required, I shelved the idea. Aside from changing my looks, I also wanted to change my body shape, but the doctor could not suggest any procedure that I was comfortable with.

On top of wishing that I were more attractive, I secretly wished to have a boyfriend. Many of the girls in school who had boyfriends were pretty, and I assumed that I did not have one because I was not good-looking. I was also shy and thought that pretty girls were confident, sociable, and popular because of their looks.

I HATED GOD AND FELT THAT HE WAS NOT FAIR. HE MADE SO MANY GIRLS PRETTY BUT NOT ME.

I simply could not understand Psalm 139:14, which says that we are all “fearfully and wonderfully made.” I felt that it did not relate to me. I was upset and told God, “You must be kidding me. If I am really carefully and wonderfully made, I would have been a pretty sweet young lady.”

It was not until I came across Proverbs 31:30 one day during my quiet time that I realized how God was speaking to me. It says, “Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting, but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.”

God is not looking for someone charming or beautiful, but for someone who fears Him. This verse humbled me and made me realize how superficial I had been by focusing only on temporal beauty. God had never condemned me; I was the one who condemned myself because I felt ugly.

Though I still do not know why God made some girls pretty and not others, I know we are safe when we run to Him with our feelings. His word speaks truth to satisfy the void in us. He made each of us exactly the way He meant us to be, in order to fulfill our unique individual calling and purpose.

Now, although I am still tempted to wish for physical beauty whenever I see someone pretty, I remind myself that the world’s definition of beauty is not God’s definition of beauty. I do not need to be pretty to be confident, but my confidence is in God, who assures me that I am perfectly made by Him (Psalm 139:14) and my identity is in Him.

This is adapted from an article originally published on YMI. Adapted and republished with permission.

Surviving My Mental Health Struggle For 7 Years

Jane — Wed, 13 May 2020 14:27:00 +0000

I’ve survived my struggle with mental health for seven years.

I am a visual storyteller, a singer who loves to dance, and a film enthusiast. At 15, I was diagnosed with panic disorder, and at 18, my psychiatrist suggested that I may have dysthymia, a high functioning form of depression.

I remember times when I would lie on the floor in my room for ages, and stare blankly at the ceiling. I once realised that I could not really walk in a straight line on my way home from school. I was light-headed and my chest felt blocked, to the point that every breath of air was hard to take.

I knelt in the secret space of my room countless times, crying out to God for the grace to endure my struggles. However, it came to the point where I could not see any reason or purpose in persevering through life. Outwardly I showed faith; however, on the inside, I became angry and eventually bitter towards God.

I was hurt by comments like, “It’s okay, it’s just a phase”; “God says do not be anxious about anything …”; the worst was from one of my closest friends, who said, “Don’t you know that you are diverting the attention away from friends who really need it?” These were ‘Good Christian Girls’, but through my journey of healing and self-discovery, I realised that even saints are not perfect, so I have given those wounds to God. But I went on to poly thinking that what I had experienced, like what these people said, was “just a phase”.

However, the panic attacks only became stronger and I was no match to fight against them. My depressive symptoms started showing up in Year 2 of poly, when my body finally gave way to my dwindling mental state.

After five years of listening to well-meaning but unhelpful advice, I eventually snapped. As a result, I took two semesters off from school in mid 2018. Counselling, medication and the empathy of amazing, God-sent people helped me to get my engine going and move again. The process of struggle and recovery is still ongoing and some days I feel that I am getting better, while on others I feel like I am not.

One misconception about counselling is that you will see the results the moment you start going. However, my counsellor said that most clients only see progress by their eighth session or after! I used to feel drained after each therapy session, as I felt that I needed to keep talking about my life to my counsellor. However, recently, I felt comforted by her when she told me reassuringly, “You know, you don’t have to speak. Would you like me to leave the room for a while for you to rest?” I was shocked and touched, but I kept a poker face. I’ve realised that healing can take time and is an arduous process, but I have also learnt to be patient and kind toward myself.

I sometimes feel like I am fighting a losing battle. But I think that’s where the beauty lies — my inner turmoil has pushed me closer instead of further from God. In my weakness, I am forced to run to Him. I am reminded that He is holding me. I may have to live with this for my whole life. But you know what? I will live this life ‘breath by breath’, knowing that each breath I take, whether painful or not, is given by Him — and if He allows me to have that breath, then His story for me is definitely not finished yet.

Skin Bleaching In The Philippines

Amber Ginter — Wed, 13 May 2020 14:15:00 +0000

STATISTICS

1500s A.D.
Origin of skin bleaching.

GENERATIONS of mixed-race relationships,
it now impacts countries like Ghana, Africa, the Philippines, and India.

US$31.2 BILLION BY 2024
Expected industry size of the Skin Whitening Industry according to studies
by the World Health Organization.

In many countries around the world, skin bleaching is a counter-cultural phenomenon. Otherwise known as ‘skin lightening’ or ‘whitening’, this procedure has insurmountable side effects, and can cause deadly results. Even if products are used in legal limits, skin bleaching can cause the skin discolouration, scarring, kidney, liver, or nerve damage, mercury poisoning, and abnormalities in a newborn baby (if used during pregnancy). Yet to many, the possibly painful consequences are ignored in the pursuit of “beauty”.

Seen as a benefit that outweighs the risk, users of these creams, pills, and medical procedures believe that though the substances are banned, beauty is pain, and a price they are willing to pay. But why? Through a historical trend of success, wealth, and value attributed to lighter complexions, many have fallen victim to the claim that beauty is only skin deep.

WHAT IS HAPPENING? WHEN DID IT START?

Since the 1500s, people groups have been taught to love fairer skin. In the Philippines, for example, the descendants of the native brownskinned Indios people and the white-skinned Spaniards became a group treated as higher-class, status, and worth just because of their fairer complexion. Through colonial influence, this desire for lighter skin can be traced to European colonists (Portuguese, French, Dutch, and British) who according to Ngunan Adamu of Wellcome Collection, “exported their prejudice to the people they enslaved.” Becoming desirable for its ascension to prosperity and rank, the importance of this paleness was an attempt to justify racial slavery. That is, African Americans were seen as inferior to whites, and because whites had more opportunities, skin bleaching could bring success.

At this moment, Filipinos are just one group fighting for lighter skin, with the hopes of securing a brighter future with more economic opportunities opened up to them as a result of their updated look. Going as far as retrieving banned substances to attempt these procedures, luminous skin is seen as more favorable in classroom textbooks, social media, and even family culture. While many are fighting against this phenomenon, it is a global and booming industry, expected to reach US$31.2 billion by 2024 (according to Gideon Lasco of Sapiens).

WHY IS NO ONE DOING ANYTHING ABOUT IT?

A look inside this dark world of lightened faces, with its attempt for social appeal, individual self-worth, or societal benefits can leave us feeling utterly shocked and helpless:

– At its best, these products often do not produce the outward beauty many are looking for.
– At their worst, they produce life-altering, and permanently damaging consequences.
– Little action is currently being taken because there is a strong demand and it would take a miracle to shut down this behind the scenes billion-dollar industry.

HOW CAN WE PRAY?

Pray for people who are unknowingly being harmed by skin bleaching practices and the greed of those supplying these products. Stand on the sidelines and fight with them—advocate for true inner beauty and confidence that comes from the Lord! Let us also strive for an inner beauty in our personal lives that will last forever and doesn’t cost anything because it was already paid in full by our Creator.

Hanging By A Thread: Sarah Lyn’s Journey From Life To Death

Quek Shi Yun — Wed, 13 May 2020 14:07:00 +0000

Sarah Lyn is what I would call a true extrovert. Even though we had only conversed via text before, the second our video call was connected, I was greeted with a cheery “Hello!” and the brightest smile I’d seen in a while. It took no time at all for me to feel like I was chatting with an old friend.

Sarah is the youngest of three children and realised her childhood dream of becoming a medical doctor. Her choice of profession isn’t surprising, given that her father is a doctor too. But another important event early in her life also shaped her decision to pursue a career in medicine — a day before her fourth birthday, an accident left her clinically dead.

She remains jovial as she recalls the incident. Sarah was playing at the back of a friend’s house when she somehow got caught by her neck on a nylon clothesline. By the time she was found, hanging lifeless from the clothesline, her skin had turned a dark blue, and she had no heartbeat, breath, or pulse. With no blood circulating to her brain for six to seven minutes, it was almost certain that even if she could be revived, there would already be severe brain damage.

MIRACULOUSLY ALIVE

Sarah was not expected to be the same ever again. However, through the eyes of faith, her parents firmly believed that God would heal her and her life would be preserved.

Miraculously, Sarah not only woke up from her coma, but made a full recovery just 12 hours later! She laughs when I asked what she remembers of that momentous event.

“It’s so funny because all I remember is waking up in the hospital with all these Barbie dolls and birthday gifts. I wondered why I was in the hospital and why there were so many people staring at me. I don’t remember the trauma. All I remember are the good parts!”

“Quite honestly, there was almost no chance would be brought back with the amount of time I was without oxygen. Now that I’m studying the complexity of the human body as a medical student, it just affirms that God is so much bigger than anyone can comprehend. He can actually command every cell in my body to do what it’s supposed to do. That just blows my mind.”

EVERYTHING I DID … WAS JUST BASED ON WHAT PEOPLE EXPECTED OF ME AND NOT BECAUSE I WANTED TO KNOW GOD.

With such a unique experience of God’s saving grace at such a young age, it seems a given that Sarah would have a firm faith in Christ. Indeed, she serves as a worship and small-group leader in her church, and as she talks animatedly about how knowing God has utterly changed her life, it is evident how much God’s love has captured her heart.

But it wasn’t always like this.

GROWING UP AS THE PASTOR’S KID

“Growing up, I was never just Doctor Phillip’s daughter, but also Pastor Phillip’s daughter (Sarah’s father serves as a senior pastor). I really didn’t have a good relationship with God at that time, so everything I did — like reading my Bible and stuff like that — was just based on what people expected of me and not because I wanted to know God. When I was growing up, I was just the ‘miracle’ people would invite to hear from. I just reiterated whatever was told to me about what happened and all the things Christians would want to hear [about God’s faithfulness], even though I hadn’t really believed it for myself!”

“I remember a time when I literally sat my dad down and said, ‘Why do we even try if we’re all sinners and we’re all going to go to hell anyway?’ I was like 12 at this time. He was shocked by that question because it was so full-on for my age. There were definitely times when I doubted whether God existed, and whether He wanted to do anything good in my life.”

I was surprised by the account of her lack of faith as a child. Wouldn’t the fact that she had been literally brought back to life by God’s grace be evidence of His existence and goodness toward her? She’s pensive as she considers this.

I KIND OF BELITTLED THE MIRACLE, AND THEN AFTER A WHILE I WAS LIKE, ‘OH, I WAS ACTUALLY DEAD!’

“Yeah, I think that my parents walked through that more than me, even though I was the person who ‘was the miracle.’ I didn’t necessarily get the outcome of faith that everyone else got. I was just the vessel.”

“I hadn’t really understood the weight of what had happened. I didn’t really think much of the miracle to be honest — I kind of belittled the miracle, and then after a while I was like, ‘Oh, I was actually dead!’ And it’s almost as if you can get familiar with the story and not comprehend how amazing it is, just like how you can hear the story of Jesus dying and get so familiar with it that you forget, and then something happens and you’re just like, ‘Wow, that is such a powerful and life-changing story.’”

So, what was the “something” that happened for Sarah?

“As a pastor’s daughter, I was constantly in the spotlight. It felt like everything I did was being watched, and I had to reach a certain standard. I left Malaysia at 15 to attend boarding school in Australia, and that was such a crucial time for me to find my own identity. I had the chance to do that without people telling me who I should be and what I should be. I actually found my relationship with God in Australia when I was alone, when I had no one else around me. But I think it was the most beautiful thing ever, finding God in the quiet and in the midst of the loneliness and everything.”

“Also, even though I had a rebellious outlook on faith, my dad just took the time to answer all my questions and pray for me. He was always there to subtly guide me towards God. It was never a push and it wasn’t a shove but always a hand-holding toward God. I really appreciated that because the choice was in my hands and it made me respect my parents a lot.”

THE MIRACLE WASN'T THE BASIS FOR MY FAITH — IT WAS THE CROSS.

THE MIRACLE OF THE CROSS

As we wrapped up the interview, I asked a final question: How has the miracle of her “resurrection” defined her faith?

“I can honestly say that I got to know God better outside of the miracle. When I forgot everything that happened with the miracle and I just focused on Him on the cross, that was the real miracle for me. Everything He did for me was a bonus after that. The miracle wasn’t the basis for my faith — it was the cross.”

“I still can’t, to this day, comprehend that God had saved me. I just don’t understand why He did, because I hadn’t done anything to earn it.”

I point out that what she says has a double meaning — God saving her life on her fourth birthday, but also saving her soul for all eternity. She laughs as she sees the connection.

“And I think that’s the beauty of a relationship with God and His love — no one’s done anything to earn it! I always asked, why would God save me? But then I came to realise this: everything that He does is not because we’ve earned it, but just because He is Love.”

Finding Hope After My Parents’ Divorce

Isabelle Long — Wed, 13 May 2020 13:50:00 +0000

“Why me, God?”

“What am I going to do now?”

Perhaps you have asked these questions if you have had to face your parents’ impending divorce. You had to face this situation unwillingly. In such moments, you may try to find comfort and make sense of everything. You try to take things into your own hands to solve the situation. Perhaps you ended up being more confused and hurt than before. What hope can there be for a child of divorce then?

MAKING SENSE OF WHAT HAPPENED

Some of you might be wondering what divorce is all about and why your parents would want to go through such a process. You might have seen it coming, or had no idea until the news hit you. Many questions run through your mind as you try to understand the whole situation while dealing with your emotions.

You might blame yourself for perhaps unwittingly contributing to the divorce of your parents. Or you might be so annoyed with what is happening at home that you start to shut everyone out of your life, as you do not know how to handle this whole situation. At times, you feel like you are losing your mind and fears start to creep in, together with uncertainty about the future. Will you start to question even the love your parents have for you from now on? Who will you ‘belong’ to now? If there is one, do you feel angry or resentful toward the party that caused the divorce? Bitterness might also start to find its way into your life as you experience a major shift in life and experience changes.

A few weeks ago, 21-year-old Genevieve shared with me about her life before and after her parents’ divorce. She recalled that life had been difficult for her since she was a young child. “I struggled to understand why my parents were screaming at each other every night, and throwing things at one another.” Her mum and herself had to go through abuse and violence from her dad due to the vices that he was engaged in. “Even though I hated everything he had done to us, I still loved him,” Genevieve continued.

“EVEN THOUGH I HATED EVERYTHING HE HAD DONE TO US, I STILL LOVED HIM”

She went through a phase of abandonment by her parents after the divorce, as her mother had to be the sole breadwinner and she was left in the care of her grandparents. She lost a fatherly figure in her life and was bullied when she was 11. Life started to spiral downward for her and she had no one to turn to. Soon, negativity filled her life and she grew cold to the world around her and found relief through self-harm.

On the other hand, you might not feel much affected by the divorce of your parents. Joey, also 21 years old, shared with me that it was only when she was much older that she understood the divorce of her parents. She says, “There was not much bitterness or unforgiveness in my life as the love from my parents toward me remain unchanged”. She has faint memories of family moments and it was only in her JC (Junior College) days that the idea of being in a broken family hit her.

WHAT NOW?

When God pursues you and you respond, everything can change. Genevieve had two friends who did not give up in inviting her to church. Finally, she relented and she said yes to attending a church’s Christmas drama production. After hearing about the gospel, she finally felt truly loved as she learned of the sacrifice of Jesus at the cross and His love for us. Her life changed after accepting Christ into her life. Darkness was overshadowed by the light of Jesus. Slowly, her life began to be filled with light, purpose, joy and peace. She excelled in her studies and is now an assistant small group leader in her church.

For Joey, by the grace of God, the divorce of her parents actually brought her mum and herself to Christ. Her mum had been struggling with depression and “just wanted to know more about Christ” as she went through a job change. In the end, her mum’s new colleagues brought her mum to Christ and she started becoming healed of her brokenness. For Joey herself, it was her primary school classmates who influence her and helped her draw near to God and finally accept Christ.

GOING THROUGH A DIVORCE

I went through a divorce in my late twenties and it hit me real hard. It was a rollercoaster ride of emotions and there are just no words to describe them fully. I experienced disappointment, bitterness, shame, confusion, sadness, helplessness, anguish, and rejection. This tangled ball of emotions came my way and I could not fend them off. Just like how you might be feeling some of these emotions, your mum or dad might also be feeling this way too. Give them and yourself space and time to work through this tangled ball of emotions. It is actually fine and normal to feel this way.

It took me a year and a half of wandering in the wilderness to finally understand and accept that God is in control of my life. I had never expected to be walking this journey as my ex-husband and I were both Christians, rooted in God’s family. I believe your parents did not set out with this path in mind at the start too. None of us are perfect and we live in a fallen world. We make mistakes and we learn from them. However, we can take heart that no matter what happens, nothing can change God’s love for us or the fact that we are all His beloved children (John 1:12).

I clearly remember the days when overwhelming emotions and negativity choked me. Instead of leaning on God and allowing Him into my troubled world, I pushed Him far away and tried to solve everything by myself. I lost my appetite for food, suffered from insomnia, and resorted to self-harm to keep myself afloat and alive. This went on for many months and I broke the hearts of many friends and of God too. Yet, He picked me up and healed me when I allowed Him to.

INSTEAD OF LEANING ON GOD AND ALLOWING HIM INTO MY TROUBLED WORLD, I PUSHED HIM FAR AWAY AND TRIED TO SOLVE EVERYTHING BY MYSELF.

With time, I learned to surrender and lean on God. I cried out to God for help as He will always be close to those who are brokenhearted and His healing will be upon them. (Ps 34:18; 147:3). I experienced this first-hand as various forms of comfort would be made available to me whenever I felt overwhelmed.

Remember that our God is bigger than all that we face and our fears. He is our refuge and our strength! Take time to grieve for your loss and let reality sink in. Be truthful to your emotions. Most importantly, find friends who will act for your good no matter what and surround yourself with a close group within the Christian community. That was how Genevieve, Joey and myself got back on our feet and emerged victorious from our ordeal.

HOPE IN THE MIDST OF HOPELESSNESS

Just as God has forgiven us, it is also our duty to forgive others (Matt 6:14–15). Genevieve has learned to forgive others and allow others to love her. Joey hopes that she will be able to comfort those who are hurting in this area through her story. As for myself, I am no longer hurt and broken. I know that there is hope for me and children of divorce because we can place our hope in God, both now and forevermore (Ps 131:3).

What’s Covid-19 Got To Do With Love?

Quek Shiwei — Wed, 13 May 2020 13:29:00 +0000

My heart sank. My mind was in a whirl.

“How could this be happening?” I wondered to myself. This was not how I had envisioned 2020 to unfold.

A PROMISING BEGINNING

On the eve of 2020, my Instagram news feed was populated with plenty of thanksgiving posts. Many friends were recounting milestones in the last decade and were filled with anticipation that the next decade would be “the best one yet”.

I shared the same sentiments. I was getting married on 4th January 2020 and relocating to London for ten months with my husband, Jasper, as he completed a Master’s programme. To be married to my best friend and to begin a new life together in my favourite city was exciting! But little did I know what was just around the bend as the clock struck 12 and 2020 began.

AN UNEXPECTED TWIST

The first news of Covid-19 and the lockdown in Wuhan shocked the world in January. By then, I was getting used to married life and enjoying the sights that London had to offer. Everyday felt like a dream! However, the lingering thought at the back of my head was, “When will the virus reach this side of the world?”

The first Covid-19 case in the UK was reported on 31st January. Within weeks, the numbers grew at an alarming rate and it wasn’t advisable to remain in the UK anymore. I was conflicted about whether or not to return to Singapore because this was not how our adventure in London was supposed to unfold! Does this mean we are never coming back to London? What about all the grand travel plans we’ve made? However, after praying, my two-month-long husband firmly but lovingly said to me, “It’s hard for me too. But this is the wisest decision to make now. I am doing this to save both of our lives.” Initially, I wondered why he made such a dramatic statement. But I decided to trust his judgement and leadership. Little did I know that the decision he made would indeed save our lives.

Back home, a few days into our Stay Home Notice period, I lost my sense of smell and taste, and realised it was a symptom of the virus. We were brought to the NCID to be tested. The next day, the hospital informed us that my husband was tested positive and had to be sent to the hospital. I was relieved to be tested negative and returned home to finish out my Stay Home Notice. However, the following day, after a second test, I received a similar call with the words, “You have tested positive.” Unfortunately, I was warded in a different hospital from my husband. It was the beginning of learning how to trust God with each other’s lives despite the physical distance between us.

WE NEVER EXPECTED TO BE VICTIMS OF COVID-19.

We never expected to be victims of Covid-19. It was now our turn to have a case number. Only both of us understood each other’s plight: the nasty throat and nasal swabs we had to endure, the constant blood pressure checks, and the uncertainty of when we could be discharged. I wished that we could be together. Instead, we had to be content with multiple video calls and messages throughout the day. Was the nasal swab painful for you? I know it feels miserable … go listen to some Christian songs. The IV drip will take 11 hours … it’s so miserable to lie in bed the whole time. Our conversations suddenly revolved around our sickness.

A REDEFINED LOVE

After six days in the hospital, the doctors declared me virus-free after two consecutive negative swabs. As I write this, it has been three weeks since I was discharged. Jasper is still currently hospitalised. I miss him dearly! However, through this whole episode, I am being reminded of our wedding vows to be married “in sickness and in health”. I used to think that would be relevant only when we turn old and grey. But we are only 25 years old now!

Being in the isolation ward gave me plenty of time to confront worries that clouded my mind, such as, “What if Jasper’s condition takes a turn for the worst? What if I lose him because of this virus?” So much of my heart’s affections, thoughts, and actions were focused on Jasper due to my anxiety. I knew I should pray and read the Word but those were afterthoughts rather than my main priorities. In those moments, I felt that God gently prompted me with this question: “Is Jesus your utmost love or has Jasper overtaken my place in your heart?” Had I been so consumed with my earthly love, that I had neglected my Eternal Love Himself? It was a sobering thought that nothing in this world must ever take the place of Christ, no matter how precious and dear they may be to me.

As a teen, when I envisioned married life, it felt romantic and dreamy. Imagine being with your best friend 24/7! But through my Covid-19 experience, I came to the bittersweet realisation that marriage goes beyond Insta-worthy photos or fun ‘heartmelt’ moments. Whether you are single or dating, I challenge you to cultivate healthy expectations about love and marriage, and how God ordained it to be. Love can be difficult in some seasons and involves sacrifice.

HAD I BEEN SO CONSUMED WITH MY EARTHLY LOVE, THAT I NEGLECTED MY ETERNAL LOVE HIMSELF?

May you ask God to help you develop love and loyalty in your teen and young adult years, so that if he gives you a husband, you will hold on to your vows “in sickness or in health.”

Postscript:

100 days after we first flew to London, Jasper has been discharged! This number is special to us. Last year, Jasper was in London for 100 days to begin his Master’s programme before he returned for our wedding. I had felt a nudge in my spirit to count the days that we would be apart. It seemed bizarre to do so but I couldn’t ignore the prompt. I realized we would be apart for exactly 100 days. “100” is often seen as a number of completion and fulfilment, and a significant milestone (like the Korean “100 day old” tradition). God had used our first 100 days apart to prepare me for marriage, just as the Church has to wait and prepare for her Bridegroom to return. But I now realise he has also used the second 100-day season, which saw us both together, and apart, to grow us deeper in Christ as a married couple. Despite uncertainties, He is the God of seasons and everything is beautiful in His time.

Three Ways To Love Your Family Through Covid-19

Elizabeth Lee — Wed, 13 May 2020 13:01:00 +0000

At the peak of my hectic schedule in university, I saw my parents only twice a week. A lot of my time was spent juggling CCA, work commitments, and socialising. I was living in the student hall at that time, and my calendar was always packed.

Once, my mum exclaimed that she had to make an advanced booking just to have lunch with me! She asked, “Is our house a home, or more like a hotel — just a place to stay?”

While she mentioned this as a wry joke, it was a wake-up call of sorts.

During this period, her words have been replaying a lot in my mind. We are living in unprecedented times as the global Covid-19 pandemic continues to escalate. Singapore has officially entered “circuit breaker” mode and so, we have to stay at home in order to practise effective social distancing.

It may feel unfamiliar to be in such constant contact with family. A friend of mine shared that the whole dynamic of her home has changed and it has become tempting to withdraw from her family. For many of us, it is a stark change to spend so much time with the family when we are used to spending a lot of time in school by ourselves or with our friends.

While we cannot choose our circumstances, we can, however, choose how we respond. Exodus 20:12 tells us to “Honour your father and your mother, so that you may live long in the land the LORD your God is giving you.” Paul repeated this command to the Ephesian church (Eph 6:2–3) and encouraged the youth in the Colossian church with this — “Children, obey your parents in everything, for this pleases the Lord” (Col 3:20).

As children, our primary responsibility is to obey and honour our parents, for it pleases God. It may seem tricky at times, especially during this stressful period, but here are three tips to help you love your family throughout this season!

PUT YOURSELF IN YOUR SIBLINGS’/PARENTS’ SHOES

Some of us may be wondering why our parents seem to be moodier or more short-tempered than usual. We may not be able to fully understand or process what is going on with so many changes taking place. However, perhaps trying to understand the root causes behind why our parents behave the way that they do can help us to be slow to anger and quicker in love.

Aunty Sook Neo, who has two children, is concerned that she may fall sick or be quarantined and may not be able to look after the family. Another mum, Aunty Cheryl, is worried about her family and business finances, so she hopes that her children can be thrifty and spend within their means.

Lately, I’ve started noticing how exhausted and spent my parents are after a long day of work, especially in these times. They run a business, and it’s not easy during this pandemic. But they grit their teeth and bear it anyway so that we can have food on the table.

It’s tough to walk through life alone. That is why Paul encouraged us to carry each other’s burdens, so we fulfil the law of Christ (Gal 6:2). By taking time to put yourself in your parents’ shoes, you may be able to help bear their burdens more.

BY TAKING TIME TO PUT YOURSELF IN YOUR PARENTS’ SHOES, YOU MAY BE ABLE TO HELP BEAR THEIR BURDENS MORE.

APPRECIATE AND COMMUNICATE

With most of us coming from conservative Asian families, open communication may not seem like the easiest thing to do, but love can be expressed in various ways. More often than not, many of our parents communicate their love through actions rather than words. These are usually small but important actions, and we shouldn’t miss what’s right under our noses.

Charlotte, 20, said that she understands her mother’s love is expressed in what she does for the family, whether this is walking under the scorching sun to buy groceries, collectingmasks, buying food, or cooking the family’s meals. In some ways, she is thankful for this season. For one, her parents get to spend more quality time together — they have all three meals together and can even catch up on Korean dramas!

“I genuinely feel like my mum is happier to have company at home with her,” said Charlotte. “I found that ‘enforced time’ at home can be bittersweet.”

Being at home with the family has also helped Charlotte to see her family in a very different light. “In the past few days, I’ve learned that my dad is a very driven and hardworking man. He is never late for his conference calls, very firm in his decisions, and is able to think critically should a problem arise.”

Charlotte hopes that she will be able to do more for her family this month, such as cooking a good meal and going on ‘outings’ with her elder sister — right in their rooms — by watching their favourite childhood movies.

I have realised that a simple “thank you” is very powerful and that my mum’s face lights up whenever I intentionally acknowledge her efforts. I am also learning to make it a point to keep in contact with my extended family over video calls. Unfortunately, we had to celebrate my grandpa’s 80th birthday over a video call. But judging from his broad smile, a simple check-in to let him know I was thinking of him made all the difference.

Living together all the time can reveal family fractures that can be ignored in our busy lives. We can rub each other the wrong way with our living habits, and feel frustrated that we can’t just leave the house. Learn to communicate your feelings honestly but kindly face to face, through a handwritten note, or a text message. Aunty Sook Neo shared that since none of us have gone through something like this, it is important to validate everyone’s emotions, be it anxiety, frustration, or fear. Having empathy and being kind to one another helps to build each other up.

TAKE TIME OUT TO RECHARGE

Taking ‘sanity breaks’ can also help — this may just be a quick 15-minute cool-down away from everyone else in a quiet corner of your home if you feel like you need a breather. Another way to recharge is to spend quiet time with God. This means intentionally taking out time to be still.

I recall having problems falling asleep when I was around the age of 18. The looming pressure of exams and the need to perform felt like very heavy burdens to bear. Each night, I clung on to the Word of God tightly in all my anxiety meltdowns. It felt like a lifeline each night. I found that journalling while meditating on Scripture was a good way for me to process my emotions and be renewed.

By taking breaks to strengthen yourself in the Lord, you can find new strength and patience to love your family.

We now have a rare opportunity to have the family together for an extended period of time. As we grow up, such opportunities are likely to be rarer, so let’s love more boldly in this season. As my mum often tells me, “Family is precious, so look out for one another!”

SPEAK YOUR FAMILY MEMBERS’ LOVE LANGUAGE!

Physical touch:
While generally not a great idea in a time of social distancing, an occasional pat on your parents’ back may go a long way in boosting their spirits!

Acts of service:
Clean the floor, cook a meal, or iron and fold the laundry to lighten the load for the family.

Gifts:
Great gifts don’t have to be expensive! With delivery services everywhere, pick a thoughtful gift that your mum or dad would enjoy. (I like to give my dad his favourite potato chips.)

Quality time:
Watch a movie, play a board game, or just chat at the dinner table. There are also plenty of home workouts available online for free for the fitspo fam.

Words of affirmation:
A sincere and heartfelt way to express our thanks is by writing thank-you cards. (Refer to our DIY column for more inspiration!)

Dig Deeper: Why Did God Allow Covid-19 To Happen?

Riley Sewell — Wed, 13 May 2020 12:38:00 +0000

In December 2004, my family and I vacationed at Railey Beach on the coast of Thailand. As a ten-year-old girl, it was a blissful dream; palm trees, sunbathing, snorkelling, eating chocolate crêpes and vibrant sunsets.

But the day after Christmas, everything changed.

Our holiday went from bliss to my worst nightmare.

Early in the morning, my two sisters and I were playing on the beach. Suddenly, all the water surrounding the island left. The fish were flopping around everywhere. We did not know what was going on. In the horizon was a thin white line, growing larger with every second. People starting shouting and running in different directions. Some people froze in fear, their bodies refusing to function. There was a sense of terror, uncertainty and panic thick in the air.

The source of danger was a 25-metre tsunami!

It was approaching our island at a rapid speed. My mom shouted, “RUN!” at the top of her lungs as my father gathered my sisters and I together. We sprinted up a hill, knowing our path to safety was at the top.

By the grace of God, my family made it to the top of the hill. The grip of death was mere metres away as the powerful tsunami raged over the island.

This unforgettable Boxing Day marked the death of almost 280,000 people.

WHY DOES GOD ALLOW SUFFERING?

I share this with you to show I am no stranger to suffering. I know how it feels to doubt whether your life will continue another day. I have been overwhelmed by feelings of panic and fear. I have felt desperately worried about the lives of loved ones.

My guess is, so are you. Right now.

Covid-19 has spread like wildfire across our globe, taking with it our freedom and for some, their lives. You, like me, may be wrestling with these questions: How can God allow suffering? Why did He allow Covid-19 to happen?

There is no easy answer. As Christians, we live with a contradiction; a loving God and yet a world of pain. Facing this contradiction, some of us are morally outraged and may feel the temptation to abandon our faith. How can we believe in a loving God who lets misery happen? This is the living tension between the cross and the resurrection.

Suffering is a fact of this world. In the face of suffering, the teachings of the Christian faith helps us make sense of the rawness we feel because they reveal there is something wrong with the world — it is fallen (Gen 3–4; Rom 3:23). Things are not as they should be. We live in a world in which good and evil are at play on the world stage and in every individual. God is good, but evil is also real and influential. So, at first glance, it seems that suffering gives us a valid reason to rule out God’s goodness. But actually, the opposite is true. It is only if God exists that our outrage at suffering finds a basis. If there is no true goodness, then outrage at true evil is ultimately pointless.

WHERE IS GOD IN OUR SUFFERING?

Suffering is inevitable in our lives. But you will be surprised by the God who meets you in suffering. I was shocked by the God I experienced at the top of the hill. God the Son suffered with us and for us. When we groan, God the Father hears us. More than this, God the Spirit is within us groaning and longing for our freedom as we suffer under the weight of affliction.

Jesus continually sought out those who were suffering. According to the Gospel of John, Jesus wept over the death of his friend Lazarus, along with his community (11:33–35). Jesus is still the same today. In the face of Covid-19, He joins us in our grief. And just as Jesus raised Lazarus to life as proof that He is the resurrection and the life (John 11:25–26), He continues to prove He is our redeemer today.

The reality is, however, that God’s redemption might not take the shape we hope for right now. Covid-19 will probably not disappear overnight. But remember, He is the Father, and we are His children. His redemption will be delivered with love and grace to mixed addresses: A funeral home. A hospital. An airport. A lawyer’s office. These are common places for our tears, cries and screams.

God’s love does not always change the circumstance, but it offers enough to carry us through the pain. And He remembers every tear of misery we have shed (Ps 56:8). Love does not take us out of the tunnel, but it accompanies us to the end. Love guides us toward hope, especially the hope that there will come a day when Christ “will wipe every tear” from our eyes as “There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain” (Rev 21:4).

God is greater than Covid-19 and tsunamis.

In Him we trust.

Forgiving Your Family

Jiamin Choo — Wed, 13 May 2020 12:19:00 +0000

I didn’t ask to be born first. It’s not fair that my parents expected me to be responsible for my younger siblings, and scolded me harshly whenever something bad happened to them. It wasn’t even my fault,” a friend shared when we were having a heart-to-heart talk. Even though those days of being scolded were a long time ago, recalling those moments brought fresh pain and hurt. “Don’t I matter to them? I’m their child too.” my friend wondered.

Those thoughts felt familiar. Even though I grew up in a Christian home, there have been times when I felt deeply hurt by family members because of unkept promises, insensitive statements, and unnecessary comparisons of me with how well other kids behaved.

No family is perfect. Even the families in the Bible didn’t get it right. In one particular family, the favouritism shown by the parents led to deep-rooted hurts which eventually tore a pair of twin brothers apart for years.

Isaac and Rebekah had become parents to Esau and Jacob. From Scripture, we learn that as the twin boys grew up, with the elder brother Esau becoming a skilful hunter and the younger brother Jacob being the quieter one who liked to stay at home, “Isaac, who had a taste for wild game, loved Esau, but Rebekah loved Jacob” (Gen 25:28 NIV).

Years later, when Isaac was old and wanted to give the unique blessing for the firstborn to Esau, Rebekah and Jacob worked together to trick Isaac into giving the blessing to Jacob instead. This made Esau so angry that he wanted to kill Jacob, but Rebekah helped Jacob to run away from home and escape. (For details on what happened, see Genesis 27.)

With such deep hurts from jealousy, deceit, betrayal and threatened violence, what hope is there for reconciliation between husband and wife, parent and child, and siblings? We can look to the God who created families and showed us what forgiveness looked like. Isaac’s family had been called to honour God and be part of the covenant where “all peoples on earth will be blessed” (Gen 12:3 NIV). Despite their failings, God persisted with this broken family for His redemptive purpose. After over 20 years of estrangement, Jacob and Esau reconciled with a teary embrace (Gen 33). And out of this family line, many generations later, came God’s own Son, Jesus.

This same God then shows His love as our Heavenly Father, by forgiving us of our sins while we were still His enemies, and reconciling with us through Christ (Rom 5:8–10). It is because we have received such a precious gift of forgiveness and reconciliation that we are to extend it to others. Paul’s message to the Ephesian church rings true today, “Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you” (Eph 4:32 ESV).

The family you and I have may not be perfect. We may expect our family to love and protect us, to always be there for us and not let us down. Yet no matter how hard our parents, siblings, or even ourselves try to do so, we won’t be able to in our own strength. In every family, there will be days of laughter and days of sadness. During this Covid-19 pandemic, with strict measures so that we “stay home”, stress levels may reach breaking point, with family members venting their frustrations on one another. Yet it is through the family that God works. We learn to love each other. We learn to forgive in times of hurt and pain. And with that we learn the heart of our Heavenly Father who forgave us first.

PRAYER

Dear God, having received Your gift of forgiveness through Jesus’ sacrifice on the cross, help me forgive family members who have hurt me. Even through the pain, may You bring about healing and reconciliation in Your perfect ways. Amen.

REFLECTION TIME!

1. How did you feel when someone forgave you? To what extent has that influenced the way you treat others who have hurt you?
2. Is there a strained relationship in your family? What can you do to help bring reconciliation?

DELVE DEEPER

Read and reflect on these passages on “forgiveness”:
o Genesis 50:15–21
o Psalm 103:1–14
o Matthew 18:21–35

HANDLES

When reading the Bible, be careful not to pick and choose some words to focus on while ignoring the context of the passage. It’s important to keep things in perspective according to what the biblical author had intended to say to the original readers.

Take The Mum Challenge

Quek Shiwei — Wed, 13 May 2020 12:10:00 +0000

CHALLENGE RULES

Make a list of 6 things your mom does for you and the household on a daily basis.
For the next 10 days, carry out this list and find out what it’s like to be your mum!

Challenger: EMMA CHAN, 20

2 Fun Facts:
1. I am homeschooled
2. I once owned twelve guppies all named Sam

INITIAL THOUGHTS

When I was first asked to take on this challenge, I wasn’t sure what to expect. My family is blessed with a helper who helps with chores and a grandma who cooks for the household. I had gotten used to having meals and clean laundry provided so I needed to intentionally think about the different things my mom has done for me that I have overlooked. Apart from assisting my dad with his business and providing phone counselling, my mum avails herself to the household readily. As we live with my grandparents, she often tries to spend time with my grandfather by chatting with him or bringing him snacks so that my grandma doesn’t need to worry so much about his food intake. My grandparents get very bored at home so she tries her best to chat with them or be around them. She also assists my brother and I with our homeschooling. Despite my helper and grandma’s contributions, my mum still does plenty for the household. These are the six things she does regularly which I would like to take over for this challenge:

1. Sort laundry for our family
2. Keep my grandparents company
3. Homeschool my brother and I
4. Clean the car
5. Help with cooking
6. Prune plants

THE CHALLENGE

Day 1
Today I stayed in the living room with my grandparents for a couple of hours and did my homework. Being more intentional about this made me realise how I may not necessarily be present in the family, even though I’m at home. It also had me thinking about how long my grandparents might be around, and it was a reminder to remember the little everyday things that I’ll miss when they aren’t with us anymore.

Day 2
Today I sorted laundry and chatted with my grandparents. My grandfather is hard of hearing and my grandmother speaks Mandarin, which I’m not very good at. Though it was difficult, I managed to converse with my grandma about cooking. I’m beginning to realise that I don’t actually speak to my grandparents much even though I’m home all the time. The reason why I talk to them so little is that I’m usually in the study doing schoolwork and it’s so easy to get caught up doing my own things instead. While the barriers make conversations difficult, it’s not impossible if I choose to make time for them.

Day 3
Sorted laundry again. It wasn’t difficult; I’m just not intentional about doing them. I’m really thankful for this challenge because it’s making me notice what goes on at home. However, it’s slightly disappointing that I needed a challenge to start taking more initiative to help out at home though.

Day 4
Today, mum and I cooked together. This is really rare! We made a stew for my grandpa which was different from the usual Chinese cuisine my grandma makes. Both of us don’t enjoy cooking but the opportunity to spend time with each other made it fun. It was a good reminder of how it’s not just doing something for someone that’s special but doing something in service together that makes it meaningful.

Day 5
Helped my brother with homework so mom could make calls. I’m not fantastic at Biology but I’m thankful I knew enough to help him out. Got my brother and I out of the house to exercise so that mom could have some time to herself. After dinner, mum and I got to just hang out and read.

Day 6
Did laundry again, and I helped my grandma cook. Today, mum was looking through our old stuff to pass to a family who’s recently started fostering. We were clearing some old toys that my brother and I had long outgrown. Looking back at the stuff we were clearing, I realised these were things I loved when I was younger that my mum had gotten me. I’m thankful that my mum made the effort to know and learn about things I was interested in.

Day 7
It was my first time making lunch (bee hoon) for the family. I didn’t know it needed so many ingredients to make it tasty. Though it was a challenge, I learnt so much during the whole process. I didn’t realise how much planning and thought goes into cooking for so many people. Not only do you have to account for dietary needs (no spice, has to be soft for grandpa, no beef, no pork) you have to be sensitive to everyone else’s schedules for mealtimes as well. Managing all these was stressful, and it’s not something I thought much about before. I think food is something I take for granted a lot. I’m very blessed to say that I’ve never had to worry about my next meal.

Day 8
Today I cooked dinner. I have no idea why I don’t do this more often. It only takes an hour or two; the same time I use to scroll through my phone. This is a productive use of time that also lifts the burden off someone else. I think I’ll be doing this more often even after this challenge.

Day 9
Today I did gardening. Mum usually does it to ensure the branches of our bushes don’t get too long. Even though it’s not a complicated task, it can be very tedious and time consuming. It made me realise how there are many tasks at home that I don’t usually think about because I’m not tasked to do them.

Day 10
Today I cleaned the car for the first time. Even though we don’t go out much during this period, the car still gets surprisingly dirty. Since I can’t drive, I don’t see the car as my responsibility but that should not be the case, it’s a family car for a reason!

FINAL THOUGHTS

Being in a place of responsibility is not easy. Although all of the tasks that I’ve done over the past few days are physical, I’ve yet to account for the mental and emotional burdens my mum carries too for our family. She looks out for people who need help and she inspires me to treat others with Christlike love! I’m going to continue making an effort to spend more time with my grandparents; I don’t know how long they’ll be around for. I’m also going to try to cook more meals for the family. It’s a little sad that it took this challenge for me to realise I need to be more responsible in my household but I’m glad that I’ve been compelled to do more from now on. It’s not easy being a mum, but I’m glad I can just be a daughter for now!