Love – Kallos

Why Is Christian Dating So Complicated?

Hannah Leung — Wed, 02 Nov 2022 09:33:00 +0000

With a heart to honour God, many Christians start dating with a list of do’s and don’ts in mind. Must it be so complicated? HANNAH LEUNG shares the lessons she learnt in dating.

Ah, dating. The strange phase between being single and being married. Whether you’re single or married, there are explicit principles and encouragements you can turn to in the Bible. The Bible, though, doesn’t discuss dating. Dating only became commonplace way after biblical times. Almost all the characters in the Bible were brought together via family arrangements!

Yet, there seems to be an endless stream of rules surrounding dating for Christians. Since there are no guidelines in the Bible, many well-meaning church leaders try to help us prepare for dating by setting rules that are grounded in biblical principles.

I remember the once-a-year service in youth church when leaders would share about boy-girl relationships (BGR) — what to do; what not to do; what to expect; what to flee from … must dating be so complicated?

After hearing all these guidelines, I felt anxious about entering a relationship, though having rules made sense to me. I knew that as humans, we tend to act on our emotions and conveniences. I hoped that the guy I ended up dating would want to tread wisely and carefully as well.

Just before I turned 19, a close friend from church, Abhi, told me that he really liked me. But in that conversation, he also confessed to the physical intimacy he shared with his previous girlfriends. He wanted me to know before I made any decision about going out with him.

Oh …. What do I do now? I wasn’t sure what to do when the “rules” were broken before the relationship even started. As we ventured into dating, I learned some lessons about how dating guidelines could help our relationship.

Lesson 1: Guidelines are not just about what’s right or wrong (although there are certainly rights and wrongs!)

After hearing many stories about how guys are easily led to think lustfully, coupled with the fact that Abhi had already broken some dating guidelines, I felt this heavy responsibility to make sure he didn’t have ‘funny’ thoughts. We started dating for about a year, and throughout that year, I didn’t let him hold my hand. I could tell that he really wanted to, but I was afraid of what it might lead to!

Was it right for me not to let him hold my hand? When it comes to physical boundaries, I don’t think that there is a right or wrong to most actions per se. It might be more helpful to think about whether an action is wise or unwise. What was clear to us was that having sex outside of marriage is something spoken against strongly in the Bible (e.g., Gen 2:24; Lev 20:10; Prov 5:15–21; 1 Cor 7:2). We wanted to honour God in our relationship by not engaging in sexual relations before marriage. Therefore, to help ourselves stay far from temptation, what was wise for us at that time was to keep to this boundary, though it may have appeared extreme to others!

Looking back, I think it was a helpful decision not to hold hands, because it made it clear that I didn’t want to engage in any behaviour that may arouse us. Well, holding hands may seem safe now, but the guidelines we put in place helped us to stay as far away as we could from any sexual temptation!

I WASN’T SURE WHAT TO DO WHEN THE “RULES” WERE BROKEN BEFORE THE RELATIONSHIP EVEN STARTED.

Lesson 2: Guidelines can change

As we continued in the relationship and there was greater certainty of our feelings for each other, we felt that we could look at our physical boundaries again. We wanted to find new rules that would allow us to express and enjoy each other’s affections without compromising on our commitment to honour God. We took some time to think about it, and one day, he shared openly that he felt that kissing would cause us to venture into sexual territory. Thus, we decided that that was the line we wouldn’t cross, and we wouldn’t share a kiss until we got married. I don’t think it’s a commandment to be followed by everyone, but it was what we decided was beneficial for us. Withholding some of our physical desires at the dating stage is a way to love our partners, since it helps them to honour and love God. I wouldn’t want to lead Abhi into doing what he thinks is wrong!

WHEN IT COMES TO PHYSICAL BOUNDARIES, I DON’T THINK THAT THERE IS A RIGHT OR WRONG TO MOST ACTIONS PER SE.

Different guidelines are helpful to different couples, and guidelines can be revisited as your relationship progresses. For us, discussing our physical boundaries while dating made things unambiguous, while allowing us to grow into new expressions of affection comfortably. At every point when we wanted to do something new, for example, when we started holding hands, or hugging, we would check with each other if we were OK with it. While our emotions led us to desire more physical intimacy with each other, our desire to honour God helped us to say no to some behaviours that we felt could lead us into sexual temptation.

Lesson 3: Guidelines help us to honour God

Guidelines are not there to steal our joy. They should liberate us to enjoying a God-honouring relationship that produces joy! Imagine if there were no rules in soccer. Someone decides to use his hand to block the ball, or there could be ten goalkeepers completely blocking the goal …. It wouldn’t really be a proper soccer game, would it? It would be frustrating, confusing, and potentially cause lots of injuries! Likewise, guidelines in our relationships help us to enjoy them more. When we don’t have to constantly guess what is right to do in a relationship, we have the freedom to enjoy it fully within the boundaries we have set.

THAT DESIRE TO HONOUR GOD AND OUR PARTNER IS WHAT MOTIVATES US TO SET UP THESE RULES.

Lesson 4: Christ-led dating sets you up for a Christ-led marriage

At the end of the day, dating concludes with the question of marriage. What do you want in your marriage? With dating, you are already building a relationship with a person, and that relationship can’t change overnight on your wedding day. The final lesson I would like to share is this: if you want your marriage to be one where God is first and foremost, it needs to start at the dating stage.

I’ve talked a lot about physical intimacy because it seems to be the biggest issue in Christian dating, and thus, an area with a lot of guidelines and rules. But it is far from the only aspect of a dating relationship that needs discussion. Have you given any thought to areas in your dating life that might draw you away from God?

Choosing to prioritise honouring God in your dating relationship may feel difficult at times, because it could mean that you are putting to death something of your earthly (as opposed to godly) nature. We read about this in Colossians 3. In putting to death our sinful nature, we can take on Christ’s nature (Col 3:5–10, 12–13). Verse 14 says, “And over all these virtues put on love” — such true love is also what we desire and hope for in our romantic relationships. Christian dating can feel complicated, but really, it doesn’t need to be. At the heart of it all, that desire to honour God and our partner is what motivates us to set up these rules, as a way of setting us up for a love that matures and deepens with time.

Whenever you feel discouraged or a little rebellious, remember the way that Christ loves us with wisdom and patience. Those are the characteristics we hope for in who we marry, and the characteristics we hope to develop in ourselves. As such, persevere in having guidelines in your relationship, and take heart that it will most certainly be worth it.

Friendship in Unchartered Waters

Kallos Team — Wed, 31 Aug 2022 16:23:00 +0000

When storms come, what does it take to keep a ‘friend-ship’ afloat? BERNICE TIAN shares how she navigated her friendships through jealousy, swift judgements of friends, and mismatched expectations.

I have a habit of looking at my past photos and old diary entries once in a while. Entries where I talk about spending time at my grandparents’ house feel nostalgic, while rants about my annoying siblings are quite funny to remember! Recently, I found a single entry that stood out from the rest, recalling how lonely and sad I felt because I didn’t have any close friends. I thank God that I no longer feel that way, as He has provided good friends to me since then. What I had not anticipated though, was that with close friendships, conflicts would be inevitable. I have come across countless challenges in my friendships that threatened to break them as quickly as they were first formed. Thankfully, I have been able to pick up a few learning points along the way, and I continue to apply them to my current friendships.

WRANGLING JEALOUSY, THE SEA MONSTER

According to 1 Corinthians 13:4, love “does not envy.” But what happens when jealousy is found within friendships? I had never realised the significance of keeping jealousy at bay until I saw how much it could hurt other people.

I have two best friends (let’s call them Audrey and Sarah), and we are like the three musketeers in church. During youth services, you wouldn’t find one of us without the other two being close by. In fact, at the start of our friendship, I had to get used to the idea of a trio being best friends, as I had thought that you could have only one best friend. The adjective itself is exclusive! Since I had known Audrey longer than Sarah, I was more protective about keeping Audrey to myself. However, Audrey and Sarah were from the same school, so feelings of jealousy arose sometimes when they talked about things that happened that I couldn’t relate to.

Hence, there were times when I preferred to privately text Audrey and leave Sarah out of our chats as I was more comfortable with just Audrey. One day, Sarah found out that Audrey and I had met up a few times by ourselves and expressed her great disappointment about it.

IN MY ATTEMPT TO PROTECT ONE FRIENDSHIP, I HAD HURT THE FRIENDSHIP BETWEEN THE THREE OF US.

She texted us in our group chat, saying, “I feel really left out.” When I saw that she felt hurt and uncomfortable, I knew then that it was selfish of me to try to keep Audrey to myself, making Sarah feel lonely too. In my attempt to protect one friendship, I had hurt the friendship between the three of us.

Jealousy caused me to act selfishly, inflicting the same hurt and insecurities on Sarah that I had experienced myself. That event led us to all communicate with each other more honestly. Now, we know to nip jealousy in the bud instead of allowing it to fester, so that we can treasure and love one another better.

FACING THE STORMS OF JUDGEMENT

Have you heard of Job’s infamous story of loss? Job had devastatingly lost all his family members, his possessions, and his health in a swift span of time. When Job’s friends, Eliphaz, Bildad, and Zophar came to visit him to comfort him, they ended up bringing more hurt than comfort and were told they were “miserable comforters” (Job 2:11; 16:2). Have you ever done the same thing as Job’s friends by being too quick to judge and assume (e.g., Job 4; 8; 11)? There was a time when I was just like Job’s friends, and nearly caused one of my ‘friend-ships’ to sink.

In 2019, a friend came to me for support and guidance when she had a disagreement with a mutual friend. Caught in the middle of their conflict, I wasn’t sure what to do. Instead of offering a listening ear, I acted as a judge, deciding that my friend was in the wrong. I was quick to criticise rather than to listen. After that, that my friend distanced herself from me for a few months, giving me the cold shoulder. It was obvious that I had lost her trust.

I finally found the courage to apologise some time later. I sent her a voice message, telling her that I was sorry for not only being judgemental, but also for being absent when she needed my support. It comforted me when she responded, expressing her desire to mend our friendship as well.

INSTEAD OF OFFERING A LISTENING EAR, I ACTED AS A JUDGE.

This incident made me realise the fragile nature of friendship. There was a price to pay in the carelessness of the words I uttered and the actions I displayed. Going forward, I’ve taken to heart the exhortation in 1 Thessalonians 5:11 to “encourage one another and build each other up”!

BALANCING EXPECTATIONS

I used to think that some friendships would last forever, but I’ve quickly grown to realise that this isn’t the case. When friends I used to be close to made new friends, that changed the dynamic of our friendship! Though I understood that it was normal for my friends to have other friends, there was a time when I often felt rather disappointed as I scrolled through their Insta Stories. Despite hearing from them that they were too busy to meet with me, they had time to socialise with other people. Despite the closeness we had enjoyed in the past, these friends now looked happier bonding with other people. I was disappointed indeed.

Once, something significant happened to one of my friends, but I only found out after she had posted about it on Instagram. Alas, when I asked if she was feeling okay, she said she didn’t want to talk about it anymore. I had expectations of certain friends that we would be close friends till the end, and that we would tell each other our joys and woes. Yet in this case I felt like I was pushed down my friend’s priority list, making me feel hurt and alone.

even in my most difficult times, the only constant friend I could depend on the most was God.

A counsellor once shared with me about the ‘Circles of Friendship,’ an exercise which involves drawing a series of concentric circles, putting your closest friends in the innermost circle, and placing the people you are least close to in the outermost circle. We need to recognise that friends may shift between circles in different seasons, and that’s OK! Identifying the people in my current inner circle as the ones that I can trust and go to in times of need has helped me to manage expectations with my friends and prevent disappointment.

Importantly, when I tried that exercise, I realised that even in my most difficult times, the only constant friend I could depend on the most was God. Sure, there are still times when I feel disappointed when friends I feel close to do not regard me in the same light. Yet as I depend on God who is my good Father, I need not feel like I am less valuable or loved because of it. As I can love others from this place of security, I get to maintain healthy friendships with my friends and let go of the jealousy and discouragement that may come with mismatched expectations.

At the end of the day, God’s consistent love for me encourages me to overcome challenges in my friendships and respond well to them. I also believe that as we continue to put God at the centre of our relationships, we are slowly being moulded to become more Christ-like. We can be inspired to cultivate and treasure healthy friendships because of our relationship with God.

Dear Kallos: How do you tell someone that you used to have a crush on that you don’t like him in that way anymore? Especially since he now returns the feelings?

Alina Teo — Wed, 01 Jun 2022 04:06:00 +0000

How do you tell someone that you used to have a crush on that you don’t like him in that way anymore? Especially since he now returns the feelings? - Stuck

dear Stuck,

Thank you for asking this question. It can be quite a tricky and awkward situation, but possible to navigate. Truth be told, feelings come and go. Perhaps you might have found someone attractive at first, but after some time, that attraction diminishes. I suppose that’s why people term such a feeling a “crush”.

Although feelings may change, given that the guy has reciprocated your initial feelings, you do need to consider how to tactfully share that your feelings have changed so that you keep his pride in place and not further hurt him.

Are you able to pinpoint why you may not be romantically attracted to him anymore? Give it proper thought and if possible, share it with the guy in a gentle manner. Don’t just find excuses to get yourself off the hook. Instead, be honest and tell him how your feelings have changed. By giving it due thought rather than brushing him off, you are giving respect to him as a person. And if there isn’t an obvious reason, that’s fine too. Find a way to tactfully share that your feelings have changed. It’s always tempting to avoid an awkward situation, but it would be more honouring to communicate your feelings clearly. Obviously, it isn’t the nicest thing to hear that the person you are interested in is no longer interested in you, but I hope he would take that over a lame excuse.

Our emotions may be fickle, but remember, in all things, God is our constant, so stay rooted in Him.

How Did You Know This Was The Right Job For You?

Kallos Team — Wed, 01 Dec 2021 04:58:00 +0000

Cheot Yee See
Partnerships & Special Projects
Executive at Migrant x Me

I’ve always believed the right job for me would be one which I enjoyed the work and was passionate about! God provided this job for me through Migrant x Me (MxMe), a non-profit organisation that seeks to build an inclusive Singapore for the migrant worker community by empowering youths.

I was based in Seoul, Korea for the past few years studying, working, and living away from home. Even though my job as a full-time designer was stable, I felt lost and did not feel free to grow to my fullest potential in terms of my creativity. However, God presented the opportunity for me to use my skill sets to help with the conceptualising of MxMe’s branding in 2018 when the organisation was starting out. From then on, I designed materials to educate Singaporeans on the migrant worker community. It was through this experience that I saw how design can be used for good and have the power to impact others!

How does your work make an impact?

When I came back to Singapore in 2019, I met an injured migrant worker who shared about his struggles after he was injured. I remember empathising with how helpless he felt not knowing what to do and being alone in a country that does not speak his language. I wondered if there was a bigger role for me to play as my heart for the migrant community grew.

This led to a full-time job with MxMe in 2021, where my work focuses on building partnerships with schools to run our educational programmes, and working on special projects where I can express my creativity. How God has led me here and grown my passion for the community over the years helps me believe that He has equipped and led me to this role!

CAROLINE CHOONG
DOCTOR

It was all very natural for me. In secondary school I preferred science, and toyed with the idea of being an astronaut one day … till my dad told me NASA is for Americans. In JC I subscribed to and read American Scientist every month. The articles on neuroscience fascinated me and I dreamt of being an award-winning neuroscientist, making new discoveries about the human brain and behaviour. However, a short stint working as a research assistant in the lab made me realise that my extroverted personality meant I needed to be around people at work too.

So when it finally came to choosing a university course, I just knew I had to apply for Medicine because it tied together the 2 things I liked: science and working with people. I applied for NUS medicine, went for the interview, and got in. Over the next 5 years, I realised that medicine was indeed a perfect fit for me — working with science and working with people.

How do you see God’s hand at work in your career?

Fast forward another 8 years, I am now working as a specialist in a public hospital. As I look back on my years of medical school and residency training, I see how things just fell into place easily. I am now in a career that fits me perfectly. Everything was so natural that I know it could have only been God’s grace and wisdom. Only my Heavenly Father who knows me perfectly could have led me to this place. Only He who created me would know what job I could excel in and would be happy in.

Rachael Lim
Financial Consultant

Six months before coming across my current company, I had an impression of a path before me marked with bulbs and doors. Suddenly, it lit up and the doors opened and shut, guiding me forward. Open and closed doors are like guides showing us next steps. I had experienced a closed door to an exchange programme to UCL, but I was led to career coaching sessions by my financial advisory firm. It made me realise that my strengths — being curious about people and not afraid to talk deeper about their lives, and the love of planning — fit the role. Through these resources, I experienced first-hand what their tagline #ImpactingLivesBeyondFinance meant. This was something that resonated and aligned with my values.

Why do you think God led you here?

Four years on, I can see God’s hand clearly. I’d never thought of being in Finance! My family is experiencing the long-term damaging effects of products sold instead of going through holistic planning. This made me wonder what planning really entails. As God led me to an independently-owned financial advisory firm that gives unbiased advice and customised financial solutions, I can now do my best to provide a financial advisory experience that reflects godly principles and brings clarity to situations. When people openly share with me their goals and dreams, problems and pains, it allows me to journey with them in working towards solutions — financially, in life, and prayer.

How do you find meaning in your work?

Recently, I’ve learnt that God gave us work for us to steward and create value out of the resources He has given — skills, natural resources, etc. — for the betterment of society. Holistic financial advisory enables me to do that. Finance is connected with almost all aspects of life, and I believe my role isn’t just to help people earn more and pay less, but to help them realise that by stewarding our finances, we end up stewarding our lives.

CLAUDIA TAN
SECRETARIAT, YELLOW RIBBON PROJECT

When I graduated, I looked for a job where I could contribute meaningfully to society, involved skill sets that I am good at, and opportunities to expand my perspectives. My degree helped me to land a job in the entertainment industry related to my major in marketing. However, the interest waned as I felt I wanted to impact lives and serve in meaning jobs with purpose. When I joined the public sector through the Yellow Ribbon Project,I could use my training in marketing to create campaigns and events aimed at changing mindsets towards ex-offenders. It was meaningful to shed light on the challenges ex-offenders face and bring hope to inmates and ex-offenders, as many struggle to find acceptance from their family, friends, and society at large. It was also where I lived out what was taught in the Bible — to be kind and compassionate towards one another, forgiving just as in Christ God forgave us (Eph 4:32).

What does it take to thrive in your career?

Finding a career we will enjoy and thrive in requires high self awareness and a strong anchor in our identity. Even though I am not in a role typical of graduates in my course, I found ways to apply my educational background in the course of my work. My advice for those starting to think about your career is to be patient in letting God show you your desires, skills, how your background matches the jobs you are considering, and how you can contribute to your job and organisation. Lastly, don’t be afraid to venture out of the norm!

How Did You Know you were Ready for a Relationship?

Kallos Team — Mon, 01 Nov 2021 06:19:00 +0000

YONG EE WERN, 23

I knew I was ready for a relationship when I found happiness in being single! I have always believed that when one is happy with their single life, that’s when someone is ready. I realised I did not need a relationship to complete my life; I wanted someone to complement it. A partner is meant to complement your life and go through ups and down with you, not ‘complete’ you, which is what I feel society has painted romance to be.

I also found that learning to love myself was important before I was ready for a committed relationship. Learning to love yourself comes in many ways. For example, taking time to finding your own interests and hobbies, and spending time learning more about your strengths and weaknesses. Also, when I know how I want to be treated and what I deserve, I know never to settle for less.

At the end of the day, everyone has a different set of prerequisites required before getting into a relationship. Knowing what works for you is the best way to go about it. Relationships are not a one-hit wonder. It takes time to get to know a person and if it is worth getting into a relationship with that person. Everything happens in God’s timing, so trust in the process!

ANG JIN LIAT, 28

I didn’t know that I was ready, but I was ready to do what it took to get ready. There were a couple of things that I wanted to make sure was in place. As Pastor Andy Stanley shared in his book Love, Sex and Dating, I wanted to “become the person who you’re looking for is looking for.”

Hence, I read some books on relationship and I had a few criterion — firstly, get a job and be financially stable, and secondly, to be spiritually stable, ensuring that my walk with God is good. After I got these two pillars done, I went on to the next step — to try. I don’t think we’ll ever be ready, as we’re on this journey where we’re continuously learning and just becoming
better versions of ourselves. And that’s especially true when you get into a relationship because it’s no longer about one person but about two people. So no matter how ‘perfect’ you are, when you get into a relationship as two people, you will start to see imperfections and learn how to become even better and how to complement each other.

I also asked close friends, “Hey, I’m thinking of getting into a relationship. What do you think of it, do you think I’m ready?” I did a bit of research into the girl I was interested in and also spoke to people who had successful and failed relationships, finding out what worked and what didn’t, so those were all part of the background research.

So … I don’t think there was a point of time in which I thought I was ready, but more so that I’ve done my best and as much as I could to prepare myself for a relationship.

MADELINE TNG, 28

Before entering a relationship, God gave me the understanding that my partner does not complete me. Partners complement us and Christ is the One who completes and satisfies us with His steadfast love (Ps 90:14). While the desire for a relationship is good and healthy, it is not to be esteemed more than singlehood. They are both good.

Additionally, I was also given good counsel to take time to pray for my future spouse and to bring my insecurities to God. As I took time to pray for my future spouse, I saw how God directed and led me in the process, from writing out the desires of my heart about a partner to leading the way to him. We truly can trust in our good Shepherd! Some insecurities that I had to deal with were the fear of getting hurt in a relationship and the uncertainty if I could love someone well (and vice versa). And through surrendering these fears, I got to see that God is love (1 John 4:16) and we are all on a learning journey to learn how to love in a community. On a side note, when you get into a relationship, it is always good to have community support and not be in isolation only with your partner, so now is a good time to build up that trusted community before getting into a relationship.

Lastly, in preparing to enter a relationship, I kept the end in mind — marriage. Marriage is a beautiful thing that God has designed to reflects Christ’s love for the church. However, we need to know that marriage won’t solve any issues with sin or loneliness. In fact, it will only be magnified if we don’t deal with them at the cross before getting into a relationship.

Let’s also remember that marriage in this life is not the ultimate or eternal goal. The only marital relationship of ultimate significance is the eternal union of Christ with His bride, the church! Until the day we see our Bridegroom face to face, may His spirit empower us to love and serve Him, as Christ loved the church and gave Himself up for her.

JACQUELINE NG, 25

Before I entered my current relationship, my boyfriend and I served together and grew to become good friends. Because of the healthy and genuine friendship that was established between us, I was able to be my authentic self. That including being able to roll my eyes, cackle, and get hit by frisbees during games with no embarrassment. I could also be honest with my hopes, hurts, and weird thoughts (like the urge to pop a giant balloon statue in the mall with a pin). I felt safe and accepted for who I am. This was a significant factor that led me to consider him as a potential partner.

Nonetheless, I was fearful of stepping into the unknown, and the thought of losing someone dear to me.

It was through prayer and journeying with friends that I came to this realisation — while I cannot be 100% ready and there might never be the perfect time, I was certain of these qualities he displayed: he was prayerful and knowledgeable about the faith, humorous and made me laugh, and was caring and empathetic. Through these characteristics, I was being led to holiness, the hallmark of the Christian life. This, and the authentic friendship between us, were the factors that gave me the leap of faith to enter into the relationship.

It has been a joy since.

Dear Kallos: How should I reject a guy without being insensitive?

Alina Teo — Wed, 01 Sep 2021 13:21:00 +0000

How should I reject a guy without being insensitive? - Wondering

dear Wondering,

Being sensitive to someone else’s feelings shows maturity and we affirm your heart! For many guys, taking the step to confess takes a lot of courage, so on your part, responding with kindness is necessary. The guy, having shown you his heart, would be hoping for a positive response. However, if you know this guy isn’t one you can see a future together with, don’t compromise! We must not think that saying yes for now and no later would solve any problems or is even kind.

I have three simple guidelines to cushion the blow a little and avoid further hurt:
Be gentle. Choose your words wisely, not sugar-coating them but showing care in the words chosen. Using statements that focus more on “I” rather than “you” might bring across the point more gently. For example, you could say “I am not attracted to you,” rather than “You are not attractive.” Do however be honest and not make up lame excuses that rub salt into the wound.

Don’t be wishy-washy, which could possibly make the guy think you may have some feelings for him. If you don’t ever intend to date him, tell him firmly and nicely. If the situation allows for it, even think of a script in advance so there is no room for misunderstanding.

Avoid making the decision sound open-ended, as you don’t want to make the guy think he can play the waiting game and try again in the future. At the end of the day, being resolved and genuine would be most important and can be felt. Reassure the guy of his worth as a person and (if appropriate) as a friend. If the opportunity arises, point him to Christ as the One who can lead him too. But be prepared that the guy may not take your refusal well. And if he really doesn’t, it isn’t your fault.

If living our lives to please God is our goal, every action, word, and thought should flow from that starting point. Ask God to lead the guy to someone who is the best fit for him and become someone who abides in Him too!

My Husband Was Worth The Wait

Jiamin Choo — Fri, 23 Jul 2021 17:55:57 +0000

It was my 21st birthday. Wanting to catch the first rays of light, I woke up early and made my way to the beach. As I stood on the shore, I said a prayer, thanking God for His love and care all these years, faithfully providing for my family after Papa passed away when I was 13.

As the sun rose, I made two promises to God: Having experienced Him personally as my Heavenly Father, especially during my mission trip as an 18-year-old onboard Operation Mobilisation’s (OM) ship Doulos, I’ll follow Him all the days of my life; and because He is Lord of my life, I’ll wait on Him for my future husband.

I took out the ring that I’d bought – a simple band engraved with “WAITING 4 U” — and put it on my left middle finger. It represented my promise to wait for my future husband, to keep myself for him, and I hoped that one day the ring would be a gift to him on our wedding day.

I wore the ring daily, as a commitment to entrust my heart to God, and as a reminder to pray for my future husband – that even though I didn’t know who he was, where he was, or when we would meet, my desire was for him to be a man after God’s own heart. I hoped he was waiting for me, too.

The following year, I graduated from the National University of Singapore. While friends were sending in resumés for job applications, I was preparing to follow God’s call on my life – to serve Him in full-time missions back onboard Doulos, the place where God first opened my eyes to His love for the nations.

Will i lose my relationships?

Wanting to offer my first fruits after graduation to God, I signed the form to rejoin Doulos for two years with my family’s blessing. Ship life and ministry wasn’t going to be easy. Some were concerned I wouldn’t receive a salary. Some feared for my physical safety. I had counted the cost and was prepared for those things, but what I wrestled with was the area of relationships.

By being away, will I lose the closeness with my mum and younger siblings? What if I missed out on significant moments shared with family, friends and church?

And while friends are starting to find their special halves, am I prepared to put my love life on hold, to delay the possibility of starting a relationship as I would be sailing around the world and not be able to settle?

As those scenarios played on my mind, the tears kept coming. Relationships were most precious to me, and I couldn’t bear the thought of losing them.

Then I felt God impress on my heart: “Jiamin, if your fear of losing relationships were to come true, will you still be willing to go?”

My heart was aching, but I said: “Yes, I will go. I entrust my relationships to You, Lord. I believe You are more than able to protect my relationships with my family, friends and church. But even if I were to lose them because of my being away from home, and even though it would hurt deeply, I know I’ll be okay because You are with me.”

So off I went, joining Doulos in the port of Beirut, Lebanon, where we sailed around Middle East and Africa for the rest of the year.

"I was Reminded Not to Compromise"

Our crew of 350 international volunteers, we worked in various departments to keep the ship going – we ran a floating book fair that provided quality literature at low cost for locals, we went onshore to serve alongside churches, we shared God’s Word in cities and villages, spent time with children in orphanages, and shared testimonies in prisons.

I especially enjoyed befriending couples who shared openly about their joys and struggles in marriage. They modelled for me the sacredness of marriage, and I learned how important it was to guard marriage with faithfulness, forgiveness and love.

In choosing a life partner, a cross-cultural married couple advised, “Marry someone who is like-minded in the faith, someone who’s running alongside you towards the same finishing line.”

I was reminded not to compromise, not to give my heart away to someone who was really good to me but didn’t have a heart for God and missions. So I continued to wait on God for my future husband and surrendered my longings to Him.

“BUT GOD, WHAT ABOUT ME?”

I ended up spending four years onboard Doulos. I was glad to have set apart that time to serve God in the strength of my youth, and to witness God’s glory and wondrous works in the 31 countries that I had sailed to. As the season onboard the ship drew to a close, I knew it was time to return home, where a new chapter would unfold.

Readjusting back to life in Singapore meant catching up with friends who had gotten married while I was away. As I settled back home, I began writing a book about my Doulos journey, Out of the Harbour, and took up a new role with OM Singapore as missions coordinator.

Though things seemed to be going well, there remained a void that longed to be filled: A desire for someone special to appear in my life. Someone who shares my love for God and missions. Someone who will notice me, choose me, and take that risk to love me. But just when I found someone whom I was drawn to, I found out he was already “taken”.

“No, Jiamin, he’s not yours. He belongs to someone else,” I felt God impress on my heart. Feelings of sadness rose from within. “But God, what about me?” In the midst of the silence, tears began to fall.

“IS MY DESIRE FOR MARRIAGE WISHFUL THINKING?”

I had been waiting for God to fulfil the dream that had been seeded in my heart since I was 21. I wondered if God had forgotten about me. I wondered if my desire for marriage was only wishful thinking. I wondered why this unfulfilled desire could cut me so deeply and bring about nights of lonely tears.

Was this dream really worth waiting for?

However through it all, God’s presence remained near. His words in Psalm 30:5 brought such comfort: “Weeping may tarry for the night, but joy comes with the morning.” I realised that even though marriage was a good gift from God, I was desiring marriage so much to the point of making it an idol in my life. I was seeking the gift and not the Giver. I also doubted my worth and identity, fearing I was incomplete as a woman unless I became someone’s wife.

But I was so wrong. As a child of God, I was already complete in Christ. His love had redeemed and restored me. That led me to confess: “God, I’m sorry for not being satisfied in You alone. I surrender my dream of marriage to You. Whether I get married or not, You remain good. Help me be content to delight in You alone.” My heavy heart was lifted, and I believed this season of singleness was God’s gift for me.

MY UNEXPECTED GIFT

Some months later, a young man named Minghui walked into the OM Singapore office. He was applying to join a short-term mission trip onboard another OM ship, Logos Hope, before entering Bible School. I was pleasantly surprised to meet a like-minded person who shared the same desire to serve in missions and full-time ministry. Even though it was our first time meeting, we hit it off and the conversation just kept going. His warm personality, adventurous spirit and gentle nature left an impression that day.

Little did I know that this new friendship would blossom into something more.

In God’s perfect timing, He joined our hearts and lives together, with me walking down the aisle towards Minghui, thankful and excited because my ring had found its owner – someone special who had been waiting for me all this while too.

Looking back, I realise that through those years of singleness, God had brought me through highs and lows, and even across the seas, so that I could fully know Him, delight in Him and come to a place of joyful surrender such that my heart was ready for whatever that was to come.

And that was worth the wait.

Jiamin contributes to the Devotional column of Kallos magazine and loves all things nautical! This article is taken and adapted with permission from http://saltandlight.sg. To read more stories on love and dating, check out Issue 29, Issue 24, Issue 21, and our devotionals Made For More which contains a series of heartfelt articles that explores various issues young women face and His Glory Our Wonder, about recapturing a sense of awe towards God.

Redefining Love

Abigail Han — Tue, 01 Jun 2021 11:27:00 +0000

What do you do when the person you love is emotionally abusing you?

ABIGAIL HAN shares her story of loving, leaving, and letting go.

When I entered a relationship whileliving in America in 2016, my heart was filled with both excitement and anxiety. My then-boyfriend asked me to be his girlfriend by sharing this verse with me: “And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose” (Rom 8:28 ESV). We both trusted that God was leading us with our whole hearts. But we quickly came to understand that relationships are good but messy, desirable yet complex.

THE BEGINNING

Before we became ‘official’, I did my ‘good Christian girl’ due diligence by asking my church community what they thought about him. For the most part, I received good reviews from my leaders and friends. However, I did not have as much information as I would have preferred, because the church I attended was large and I did not know his closest friends. After a few nights of praying (and squealing), I said yes to being his girlfriend with peace in my heart.

SEEING GOD FOR WHO HE IS

But Jesus’ love isn’t like that. He would never even bruise a broken reed (Isa 42:3), and in our weakest moments, He meets us with undeserved grace (Mark 2:17). He loves us with an everlasting love and nothing, not even death, can separate us from His love (Rom 8:38–39). An abusive relationship was an antithesis to this love. It was through the counsel of others that I understood that abusive behaviours are not excusable and no behaviour on my part makes me deserving of abusive treatment. Dating and marriage, though imperfect, should be ways through which we come to understand more deeply the love of Jesus.

EVEN THOUGH I KNEW SOMETHING WAS WRONG, I STILL BLAMED MYSELF AND FELT THAT I DESERVED WHAT HE DISHED OUT AT ME.

BRINGING SIN INTO THE LIGHT

When we started having issues in our relationship, one of the biggest steps of faith I took was to bring these behaviours into the light by speaking with others in my community. When you are in a relationship that is hazy and clouded, God provides community to shed light, to bring clarity, and to help you see your blind spots.

Being fearful, isolated, and unsure is not what God has intended for marriage (Gen 2:23–24) — much less a dating relationship moving towards marriage. I had been hesitant to share these red flags with others, because I was afraid they would tell me that we were not suited for marriage and encourage us to break up. In this way, the relationship revealed one of my deepest idols: marriage.

There was Abraham who, under Sarah’s influence, chased away his servant Hagar and mother of his own offspring Ishmael; Isaac and Rebekah, who played favourites with their twin sons; Laban, who promised Jacob he could marry his younger daughter Rachel, only to do a bride swap on the wedding day so that his older daughter, Leah, would not be left on the shelf; and many more.

Slowly, I saw that my parents are sinful and broken people who have gone through difficult times of their own too. They were also brought up by flawed human beings and were simply modelling what they had experienced in their own childhoods. In fact, I found out that my maternal grandmother had died when my mother was only 14! Because of my grandmother’s passing, not only was the privilege of attending school taken away from my mum, she also had to quickly grow up and ‘mother’ her younger siblings too. This made me realise that her harsh criticisms of me merely reflected the expectations that were laid on her at a very young age.

GOD HAS THE POWER TO CREATE GOOD FROM EVIL. HE IS STRONGER THAN YOUR ABUSE AND CAN RESTORE YOU.

A GREAT MERCY

Now, four years after we broke up, I can say with greater confidence the words of Psalm 23 that surely goodness and mercy has followed me all the days of my life.

The God we worship is the “God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God” (2 Cor 1:3–4 ESV). It is through the comfort I have received that I can encourage all who are in abusive relationships. If marriage is part of His plan for you, He wants you to experience a loving relationship, in which the love of Jesus will anchor your relationship, and for your partner to help you know Christ more. God does not want you to endure an abusive relationship but to experience the true love of God.

What Music Taught Me About Being A Girl

Benita Lim — Tue, 01 Jun 2021 10:31:00 +0000

If music were your teacher, what would it be teaching you?
BENITA LIM reveals why discernment matters when listening to music.

Growing up, my favourite girl group was the Spice Girls. They defied conventional pop group stereotypes of being just cute, pretty, or sexy (or all of
the above), and were singers with unique ‘personalities’. Their songs were catchy and fun, and often celebrated ‘girl power’.

As pop stars heavily marketed by one of the biggest global music labels, they
became heroines of girls both young and old in many parts of the world.

THE MUSIC EFFECT

Studies have shown that music influences our emotions, and lyrics, when we connect with them, have the ability to impact our well-being. What makes things more complex is that music today is more than what we listen to. It has evolved into a multi-billion-dollar industry and a multi-sensory experience. Artistes do not only write and perform music; they also try to create viral music videos, appear on different visual platforms such as TV programmes, become brand ambassadors, and create social media profiles so as to connect with their fans on a more ‘personal’ level.

WHAT DOES THE MUSIC THAT YOU HEAR, SEE, AND SCROLL THROUGH TELL YOU?

WHAT A GIRL WANTS

It seems that popular music often teaches us that what a girl really wants is sex and intimacy. A survey of U.S. top-40 hits between 1960 and 2010 showed that
67.3 percent of the lyrics referenced relationships and love, and 29.9 percent
referenced sex and sexual desire! I wouldn’t be surprised if those percentages have gone up even further in the past ten years— songs about sex in particular have only gotten more explicit.

I must admit that I love a good love song. I cannot deny that I, too, desire to hear the guy that I am attracted to one day whisper things like, “You are the only one I’ll ever love,” and “You want me like I want you tonight, baby” (+50 points if he sings it while playing the piano or guitar!). And yet, there have been times when consistently listening to music like that has led me to feelings of intense sadness and even anger at what I seem to be missing out on.

MUSIC IS INDEED A POWERFUL GIFT FROM GOD TO ALL HUMANKIND.

WHAT A GIRL NEEDS

The second thing I’ve observed in today’s music scene is an emphasis on girl power. What does a girl need? Apparently, not men! Let me be clear: music that celebrates empowerment of girls is important. In an analysis of Billboard’s
top 600 songs from 2012 to 2017, out of 1,239 performing artists, only 22.4 percent were women. Seeing the success of female performers and listening to lyrics that highlight the capabilities of girls surely gives us inspiration and encouragement.

It connects with us on many levels and can even help us with our well-being. However, as we have seen, it also teaches and communicates different messages about our needs and wants as girls which may not be fully aligned with what God desires for us. As you enjoy this gift, may you stay attuned to the Spirit’s wisdom for discernment as to what you listen to, see, and scroll through regarding all things music!

She urged me to recognise that I had been carrying a crushing weight of expectations and achievements. Underlying this was pride in my heart, consumed by the pressure to ‘have my life together’ when I had placed my identity in what others thought of me, and not in the One I belong to. Often, our daily preoccupations and emotions suggest who we belong to — a little praise and success lifts us, while a little criticism and failure makes us dispirited. Henri Nouwen puts it this way in The Return of the Prodigal Son: “All the time and energy I spend in keeping some kind of balance and preventing myself from being tipped over … shows that my life is mostly a struggle for survival: not a holy struggle, but an anxious struggle resulting from the mistaken idea that it is the world that defines me.”

I sought time with the Lord and asked for grace that I would be open and tender to His voice as He revealed the offensive ways in me and led me in His ways. In the secret place, I was deeply met with the revelation that there is no striving or performance in His love. With this encountered truth, I desired to turn from my ways of self-sufficiency and pride and to be set free from the need to prove myself with this constant striving and achieving. By my own strength I had tried to carry the weight of my expectations and the pressures of succeeding; but God knows our frame, and He doesn’t ask us to be more than who He has created and called us to be.

There are some weights not for us to carry and some that we are to let go of. Hebrews 12:1 says, “Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us” (ESV). Run the race that is set before us — not the rat race with its concomitant pressures and expectations, but the race in light of what God has called and redeemed us for.

As the striving and stress began to be replaced with such freedom and light, I found starting the day or study time with prayer helped to anchor me in the Lord. With God’s leading, I began to experience anew the joy of studying, of working heartily unto God and not others, and could fully enjoy the times meant for rest. My Jetpack Kal days are now behind me, and before me is a lifetime’s journey of placing my identity in Him and grasping this timeless truth: it is God who defines me, and nothing and no one else.

Dear Kallos: A non-Christian guy recently confessed his feelings to me. How do I tell him that I don’t want to be his girlfriend because he is not a Christian?

Alina Teo — Tue, 01 Jun 2021 09:53:00 +0000

A non-Christian guy recently confessed his feelings to me. He is a nice guy, but how do I tell him that I don’t want to be his girlfriend because he is not a Christian? - Lover-of-Christ

dear Lover-of-Christ,

Committing to someone in a relationship is a big step, and I’m glad you have decided that you want to be with someone who shares the same belief in Christ. Personally, being a “nice guy” doesn’t cut it for me. There are many nice guys out there. The question when finding a life partner is this: who can weather the journey of life with me, having Christ as the anchor amidst the sunshine and storms?

Before diving in, be prepared that having this conversation may lead to potential awkward moments, but don’t fret. Standing by what you believe in and communicating it in love makes all the difference.

To start off, not everyone will understand why being together with a Christian guy is important to you. Some may even see you as being exclusive or self-righteous, or some may accuse you of “making a fuss” or tell you it doesn’t really matter. The truth is, it does matter. Second Corinthians 6:14 tells us that we should “not be unequally yoked with unbelievers” (ESV) which, when applied to romantic relationships, upholds the ideal of choosing the right partner to journey with, spurring each other to grow in Christ-likeness so as to bring glory to God. This would not be possible with a non-Christian (or even a lukewarm Christian, for that matter!). At the heart of it, our relationships can shape or break us, so having a relationship that is anchored in Christ matters.

The non-Christian guy may not understand your position. And that’s okay. You do your part. Firstly, share openly and honestly about why Christ is such a big part of your life and your decisions. Perhaps this may be a good opportunity to ask your friend to consider getting to know who Christ is for himself. This should be a decision he comes to apart from you. Remember that you may not be the one to bring your non-Christian guy friend to Christ (so don’t try to be his saviour), but you may be the first step to him coming to know Christ.

Secondly, understand that even if you and this guy share similar values, good values are not the same as faith in Jesus. When we walk with Jesus, our whole worldview and life perspective shifts and our lives are devoted to Christ alone. Even with the same values, if both your lives are not aligned with Christ in the centre, it will eventually become a huge issue in the relationship.

Don’t be afraid to have these tough conversations. Keep walking faithfully with God and let His Spirit guide you into all truth (John 16:13).