Mental Health – Kallos

Kill It With Kindness

Kallos Team — Fri, 01 Apr 2022 05:03:00 +0000

Perhaps you know someone who has been flamed or cancelled online, or experienced cyberbullying and threats. Or perhaps you are that person. What should you do when faced with unkindness online? CAROL LOI, digital literacy educator, mum, and youth coach, shares her personal story and how she overcame getting cancelled.

Having been active on social media for the past 15 years, I have seen how technology has evolved, and have experienced the good and the bad on social media. I made new friends and caught up with old ones, learned from others’ experiences, and have had opportunities to reach out to people in their times of need.

However, sometimes social media isn’t a safe place. As I talk to young people, I hear stories of cyberbullying, flaming, gossip, and betrayal, causing them to feel afraid of speaking up on social media for truth and justice in case they are ‘cancelled’ online. I am not exempt from this fear as well.

GETTING FLAMED

Early last year, there was a public discussion on a youth’s experience with gender dysphoria. Perhaps you remember it too. The government ministry involved clarified its position on its social media platform and the post attracted much criticism. I saw the online commotion and noticed that there was a perspective that was missing. The ministry had provided its position, the youth shared their experience, but the voice of the parents of the youth did not surface anywhere. As a digital literacy educator, I have developed the skill of identifying what is missing in a narrative, but was hesitant to point that out in the midst of a heated public argument. As usual, I prayed before engaging in the controversial conversation online, to ask God if I was supposed to be involved.

Sensing a ‘’yes,’’ I took a deep breath, and put up a short post to thank the ministry for its efforts in managing the situation, and made a call to the public to provide the youth as well as the parents space to discuss and resolve the issue in the best interest of the youth. I was quickly flamed for using the gender pronoun that the ministry used in the post to refer to the youth. I was called names, accused of hating others, and the hate toward me spread to other social media platforms. My friends texted me to show me the posts, and were concerned for me.

I had expected unpleasant comments, but did not expect the extent of people’s anger, including attempts to discredit and remove me from my capacities in my professional and community work.

HOW DO I FACE THE FLAMES?

Over the years there have been people who threatened my safety on different social media platforms. There were people who tracked down my ministry and wrote to others in my industry with the aim of cancelling me.

FEELINGS SUCH AS ANGER, FEAR, AND ANXIETY WERE HIGH AT THE START OF SUCH EPISODES.

Feelings such as anger, fear, and anxiety were high at the start of such episodes. I would get angry at accusations against me. I was afraid of what the accusers could possibly do to me and my family. I was tempted to also digitally trace the people who tried to cancel me. I was upset that I needed to spend energy to deal with false accusations when I could have been supporting another child, youth, parent, or educator in my professional and community work. It felt like my precious time had been stolen from me and I couldn’t report the theft to anyone.

I have mixed feelings about such incidents. On the one hand, I really dislike the negative emotions. On the other hand, I have learned that these incidents are great opportunities for me to apply my biblical worldview, asking myself: “Why do I do what I do?”; “How can I do what I do better as an ambassador of Christ?”; and “What is my role in God’s Grand Story through this situation?” These incidents are also excellent opportunities for me to experience what the fruit of the Spirit looks like in practice (Gal 5:22–23).

I PRAYED FOR THOSE WHO WERE ANGRY WITH ME.

Perhaps you have faced the sting of nasty words against you, or the betrayal of having your secrets or images posted online. After reflecting on last year’s ordeal, the following thoughts come to mind, which I hope helps anyone fighting fires online.

I CAN PRAY WITH CONFIDENCE

I prayed before I engaged online to ask God if it is something that I should do, and if so, I asked Him to be with me as I did. I prayed during the ordeal when I read what others said about me and found out what others were doing to me. I prayed whenever I felt anger and the temptation to take revenge.

In the few times when I needed to make clarifications against accusations, I prayed for wisdom to use the right words, doing my best to respond with gentleness and respect. I prayed for those who were angry with me, and was reminded that their anger may not be caused by me, but rooted in their past hurts that they may have experienced. Whenever I engaged with God even as I engaged online, I felt His love and shalom peace, which helped me through whatever emotion or temptation I faced.

I also rallied others to pray for me. The wisdom and responses from my friends, especially when they prayed for me and sent me verses to meditate upon, greatly comforted me. I was really thankful that God sent people around me in my times of need.

I AM PART OF A GRANDER STORY

I was reminded of God’s Grand Story, which culminated when Jesus died on the cross and rose again. Now that I am reconciled with God through Christ, I have been given the ministry of reconciliation (2 Cor 5:18). I am to use all my gifts, talents, and time to reconcile others to Christ. I do not need to engage in every situation, but I am called to do what I can with what God has given me. I want to be an effective ambassador of Christ (2 Cor 5:20), so that even though others may not have read the Bible nor know who Jesus is, when they read my posts and responses to differing opinions online, they should see a reflection of Christ.

WHEN ONLINE FLAMES THREATEN TO ENGULF US, WE CAN KILL IT WITH KINDNESS, BALANCED WITH TRUTH

So when I see injustice or falsehoods, I check with God to ask what He wants me to do; sometimes I am to pray for those involved, and sometimes I am to provide perspectives that point others toward truth. At all times, I control myself and remind myself that it is not about me, but about how I am representing Christ.

I CAN KILL IT WITH KINDNESS

God reminded me to walk in the Spirit and not fulfil the lust of the flesh that includes hatred, hostility, outbursts of wrath, and conflict. Instead, my life should show the fruit of the Spirit — love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control (Gal 5:16–26). I need not allow unpleasant experiences to draw me into the lust of my flesh, but to seek the Holy Spirit’s still, small voice in guiding me through a difficult ordeal, to overcome and grow stronger because of it.

Developing the fruit of the Spirit is a lifelong process; the fruit can grow well when we stay in close relationship with God, develop spiritual habits, and stay in healthy communities in Christ who can cheer us on as we grow to be more like Jesus. When online flames threaten to engulf us, we can kill it with kindness, balanced with truth. The attacks against me took a few weeks to cool down and I’ve moved on from the incident. What remains is my desire to be a voice of truth and kindness, and to use social media for good. As we engage online with prayer, may we be a light for Christ!

Flourishing in Faith

Kallos Team — Wed, 01 Sep 2021 13:36:00 +0000

It’s a familiar feeling I’m sure we’ve all had at the end of a long day. You’ve done everything you’re supposed to: school, house chores, your homework …. Yet, as you settle in for the night, you might feel a lack of fulfilment or maybe even a bit of emptiness. For some of us, these feelings have only been amplified due to the pandemic restrictions that seem to come back with a vengeance every time we make some progress — just when things feel like they’re going back to normal, more restrictions are put in place. One step forward, two steps back. Church in person, sports together, meeting friends at malls — the usual things that bring us joy are no longer easily accessible to us.

The constant back and forth of this season means that many of us feel like we are caught in a limbo of emotions — you’re not drowning, but you’re not thriving either. You’re not flourishing, just surviving. You don’t feel overwhelmed with despair, but you’re not feeling entirely optimistic. This doesn’t sound so bad if it happens for just a few days, but when it is prolonged, it’s a different story.

The New York Times found the perfect word for this season — languishing. When you’re languishing in this limbo of emotions for too long, without a sense of purpose or fulfilment, it can start to feel exhausting and hopeless. In these moments, perhaps you find yourself exclaiming the words of the Teacher in Ecclesiastes: “Meaningless! Meaningless! Utterly meaningless! Everything is meaningless.”

In these uncertain times, we can remember that the Teacher also says there is a time for everything (Ecc 3:1–8). There is a “time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance” (3:4). Though we prefer life to be rosy and free from hardship, and cannot claim to understand why God has allowed this pandemic, we can take heart that we will ultimately see that God “has made everything beautiful in its time” (3:11).

We can take this season as a gift, and use it to focus on what really matters. After experiencing and reflecting on all of life’s ups and downs, the Teacher concludes that only one thing truly matters, and that is to “Fear God and keep His commandments, for this is the duty of all mankind” (Ecc 12:13). Though our circumstances may change endlessly, we can flourish in faith as we look to God for our life’s meaning and purpose (just like Aarksara’s story on page 26, and Joyce’s experience on page 22!).

The past year has been tough for everyone. What can you do when you feel downcast? While it is healthy to grieve the loss of normalcy, will you continue to wallow in sadness, or will you choose to remember that the Lord is your joy and delight? You will flourish in faith as you put your hope in Him (Ps 43:4–5).

Reflection

1. When was the last time you felt excited to do something? What was it?

2. What are some things that usually bring you joy? How have they been compromised by the pandemic?

3. What are some things you have missed doing in the past year?

4. How have you responded when things haven’t been as you hoped?

5. Do you find it difficult to thrive in this season? Why?

6. What do you need to change so that you can flourish in faith rather than languish amidst life’s troubles?

7. Read Ecclesiastes 12. How does the passage encourage you to live life with God in mind?

Art, Anxiety, and the Almighty

Joyce Lee — Wed, 01 Sep 2021 13:10:00 +0000

It was sometime in September 2019. I’d had a busy day of meetings and was finally winding down over dinner with some friends.

Was it the heat? Or was it exhaustion from the day’s work?

At some point, my mind struggled to focus and I broke out in a cold sweat.

Within minutes, I struggled to breathe and thought I was going to faint (though thankfully, you can’t actually faint during a panic attack). For the first time in my life, I experienced a sense of impending doom.

A trip to the A&E (Accident and Emergency) department ruled out possible health issues and the doctor sent me home with the words, “Just try not to panic.”

A DAMAGING MENTALITY
The year 2019 had been one of massive change for me. I’d relocated back to Singapore from the UK. This also meant moving my business. Amidst juggling the reverse culture shock, acclimatising to the hot weather, and trying to find my footing as an entrepreneur in Singapore, I fell really ill with dengue fever and was hospitalised.

After five days in the hospital, I left expecting to feel fully healthy. Nobody told me I could potentially still feel weak; everyone I knew seemed to recover fine!

That added another layer of pressure. It’s silly, but I was essentially telling myself, “My body’s wrong. I shouldn’t be feeling this weak, breathless, and exhausted. I should be fine already. Now, let’s get back to work.”

It wasn’t until months later, and after speaking to my counsellor, that I finally realised how damaging this mentality was. My body had gone through a battle with dengue and instead of giving it time to recover, I pushed it further simply because I didn’t want to feel like I was being too dramatic.

WITHIN MINUTES, I STRUGGLED TO BREATHE AND THOUGHT I WAS GOING TO FAINT.

SALT TO THE WOUND
In the days after my first panic attack, things got worse. Just leaving my room would trigger my anxiety, so I stayed in that safe space. To add salt to the wound, I began to notice that my hands were constantly shaking — especially when I wrote. This was crushing because I’m a full-time calligrapher. I write for a living! Work means creating calligraphy for companies (sometimes in public) and teaching it.

Being unable to leave my room and meet people, and losing the steadiness in my hands meant I had to stop work entirely. I’d lost the ability to do the two things that I enjoyed the most — meeting new people and practising calligraphy.

A VERY DARK PLACE
For the first time in my life, I felt no sense of joy at all. It wasn’t just that I didn’t; I simply couldn’t. My tears ran dry and I was afraid of being left alone with my thoughts. I was too afraid to go out or interact with people for fear of another panic attack, or even worse, embarrassing myself in front of my friends or clients if I were to experience an attack in front of them!

To those around me though, I appeared fine even during a panic attack. My husband said he couldn’t even tell when I was having a panic attack unless I told him.

I’ve experienced loss, heartbreaks, and failures in my life. But none of them left me this empty. Struggling to see the light at the end of the tunnel, feeling devoid of joy, and being unable to do the things I loved put me in a very dark place.

A place in which I wish you’ll never find yourself.

FOR THE FIRST TIME IN MY LIFE, I FELT NO SENSE OF JOY AT ALL.

To say that my mind was in pieces wouldn’t have been too far from reality.

The combination of stopping work, being afraid to leave home for days on end, and not talking to anyone left me feeling like my life had fallen apart.

Yet in my despair and struggle to see how I’d make it out of this, my instinct led me to look to God. In that pit, when I couldn’t see anything but felt only debilitating anxiety, all I could do was hold on to Christ.

In fact, that’s all I could muster between the depressive and anxious moments!

STEPS ON THE ROAD TO RECOVERY
I only began on my road to recovery when I fixed my sight on God and His words.
The first step was praying for courage to step out of my home to seek professional help. A lot was unpacked during my counselling sessions. I’ve since learned coping techniques to deal with a panic attack and ways to manage my triggers so I can still run my business. The biggest takeaways were learning to be more aware of my own needs and setting firm boundaries, especially with my loved ones.

The next step was praying for wisdom and open channels to have that uncomfortable talk about my condition with my family. I praise God that open communication proved to be possible, and they eventually understood that going to a counsellor would help me and shouldn’t be stigmatised.

As I learned to cope with the frightful possibility of panic attacks, I slowly took my final step and turned back to calligraphy. All I wanted to do was go back to why I started calligraphy in the first place — to write out the lyrics to the worship songs I loved!

But my hand tremors didn’t make this easy.

After realising that the shakiness was here to stay, it dawned on me that just as God accepts me with my imperfections, so should I with my art. This revelation encouraged me to allow myself to focus on creating my calligraphy without the pressure of being perfect. The funny thing is that this led to an evolution of my calligraphic style.

IT MAY HAVE TAKEN BEING STRICKEN BY ANXIETY, BUT GOD HAS TAUGHT ME TO LOVE MYSELF AS HE DOES.

MY GOOD AND FAITHFUL GOD
I look back at the journey that God has taken me on and see that I now understand Him and my artistic self better.

Colossians 1:17 will always be dear to my heart: “He is before all things, and in Him all things hold together.” It’s a verse that has anchored me for years, serving as a reminder that God is the one who’s holding my world together.

It may have taken being stricken by anxiety, but God has taught me to love myself as He does — to allow myself to be imperfect and to move at my own pace.
I’ve experienced God’s providence in bringing the right people into my life — friends and family who don’t try to ‘fix’ me and who listen to what I need without questions. They don’t cause a fuss, and let me ride out each panic attack, just sitting with me or holding my hand.

I still marvel at how I’m able to run my calligraphy business and be out on my own today, because it was entirely impossible just two years ago. I’m able to speak candidly about my anxiety and sometimes even joke about it.

The bouts of anxiety still hit, the cold sweat, tremors, and breathlessness still happen. But God is always good and faithful.

Can Christians Struggle with Mental Illness?

Melissa Tee — Wed, 01 Sep 2021 08:45:00 +0000

To my greatly blessed, highly favoured and deeply loved sisters,

I wish the church would have a better understanding of mental health. As I listen to those around me, there seems to be two perspectives on Christians and mental health: on the one hand, there are those of us who believe that Christians cannot suffer from mental health; on the other hand, there are those who believe that mental health issues must by definition be severe, such that medical or professional intervention is needed.

My dear friends, I would like to offer you a different perspective to consider. We all struggle with mental health issues at some points of our lives. Some of us may suffer from severe mental health issues which require professional help, while some may suffer from milder forms that we are able to tide through with the resources we already have. Mental health is a part of who we are as human beings. It is not a new phenomenon; it is normal. We can embrace mental health challenges and cope with them healthily.

Who are we?
Mental health is part of the health of our whole being. We may think that our body and mind are separate, but when one is affected, our whole being is affected. Consider this example: you are stressed and busy rushing deadlines, so you cannot sleep well. You cannot sleep well, so you are grumpy and moody the next day. You are grumpy and moody, so you cannot have good, wholesome conversations and snap at your closest ones. You do not resolve this, so you feel guilty in addition to stressed and grumpy. Our mental health affects our physical body, and vice versa. The relationship between mind and body is deeply intertwined, like a tightly entangled ball of knitting wool.

MENTAL HEALTH IS PART OF THE HEALTH OF OUR WHOLE BEING.

The Bible tells us that the human being is a unified being. Genesis 2:7 explains it best — God made man from the dust of the ground, so he has a physical body, and gave him the breath of life, so he has an inner self. This is why man is a “living being” who is more than simply flesh or spirit. Our different parts are not isolated. As you have seen in the example above, the smallest disruption has an effect on our whole being. This disruption is like a tiny pebble causing large ripples when dropped into still waters.

Who suffers from poor mental health?
My friends, to say that a Christian cannot suffer from poor mental health is disregarding reality. Just because mental health is intangible does not mean it is non-existent. Let me remind you that Christian or not, we all suffer. We all go through bad times, and just as we can fall ill physically, we can also fall ill mentally. In Genesis 3, we learn about the Fall, sin, and its effects. Christ is our Saviour and Redeemer, but the consequences of sin on the world means that we who are in this broken and imperfect world still suffer. No one is immune to mental health suffering, not even Christians.

Reading the biblical accounts of Elijah and Jeremiah, and the biographies of Martin Luther and John Sung, we can guess that they probably suffered from poor mental health. They did not receive a medical diagnosis based on empirical data, like they might today, but from these written accounts, we can sense that they underwent tremendous mental suffering. Yet, they served God faithfully. My dear friends, if even such influential worshippers of God may have suffered from poor mental health, surely we too may suffer.

NO ONE IS IMMUNE TO MENTAL HEALTH SUFFERING, NOT EVEN CHRISTIANS.

Why do we suffer?
Mental health is not straightforward. There could be a host of reasons for poor mental health. Given its complexity, it is too simplistic to claim a single root cause. I wish it were straightforward, so it would be easy to eliminate the cause and then the symptoms. But it is not. Poor mental health could be a result of a myriad of factors — both internal and external.

Biological factors like a genetic predisposition to addiction could lead to mental health issues. Psychological factors, such as the intense stress of witnessing a loved one die in a car accident, gives rise to a possibility of falling into post-traumatic stress disorder. Social factors like emotionally neglectful parents may lead to poor self-esteem. Possible spiritual elements, such as disobedience to God, may cause extreme anxiety. You could find yourself dealing with one factor or all of them!

I also wonder about some concerns that young women may have these days that contribute to poor mental health. Some of us have social media anxiety from TikTok or Instagram. Some of us may be victims of sexual assault — afterwards, we cannot understand why we feel so light-headed and short of breath from certain smells and sounds; we even feel guilty and hate ourselves. Some of us struggle with our bodies — we cannot look in the mirror because the sight of our body causes us so much distress that we want to reject our very existence. Some of us may wrestle with pornography — we do not understand why there is a desire to keep watching it even after confessing our sin and asking for forgiveness. Some of us silently grapple with the idea of God as Father — our own earthly fathers have abandoned us, so we do not know what having a father feels like.

While some of us are able to cope healthily, some of us need additional help. It is akin to falling physically ill. A handful of us recover from a cold just with some rest, but a few of us will need to visit a doctor and take medication. If I may push the analogy further; if you would see a doctor for your physical health, why would you not seek help from others for mental health? This could be a mature friend, parent, youth leader, pastor, or in some situations, a trained clinical counsellor. There is nothing shameful or wrong about asking for help. When you allow trustworthy people to walk with you, you are taking charge; you are being courageous in facing your wounds and starting the healing process.

IF YOU WOULD SEE A DOCTOR FOR YOUR PHYSICAL HEALTH, WHY WOULD YOU NOT SEEK HELP FROM OTHERS FOR MENTAL HEALTH?

Who do we have?
My dear friends, in our darkest valleys and coldest nights, it may seem that God has abandoned us. Yet, even as you lament to God and wrestle with these deep wounds, remember that God is a God who loves you more than you can imagine. God has shown His faithfulness throughout time and in every place from our spiritual forefathers and through all of church history. How comforting to hear that the God of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob is also our own God. God has given us the Holy Spirit to comfort us. God has also given us resources like that mature friend, youth leader, pastor, or counsellor to walk with you. Remember, you are greatly blessed, highly favoured and deeply loved.

Psalm 27:13-14
I remain confident of this:
I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living.
Wait for the Lord;
be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord.

I Never Thought I Could Eat Without Guilt

Chloe Quek — Wed, 01 Sep 2021 03:02:00 +0000

When I became a Christian at 19, I was not sure who God was and what I was seeking. At the same time, I was struggling with my weight and had problems eating proper meals. I became lost and depressed as I struggled with my body image, and was also not doing well in school. All this led me to have a sense of inferiority, and being able to control my weight was something that gave me satisfaction.

Even though I did not get medically diagnosed with an eating disorder, I was aware that I had one. My period had stopped for several months, and I was losing a lot of hair daily due to the lack of nutrients. I knew I needed to recover, but re-learning how to eat was arduous. For some time after deciding that I needed to recover, I still wanted to be in control — I only wanted to gain a certain amount of weight. Even while seeking recovery, I continued to feel sure that I would have to live with this eating disorder for my entire life, unable to enjoy a proper meal without feeling guilt.

Despite such feelings, I attended church services and cell group occasionally. The sermons and sharing during the cell group were helpful and worship was especially powerful for me. Many of the songs we sang resonated with me and unexpectedly brought me to tears.

At this point, I took time almost every day to write down a prayer to the Lord. Folding the prayers into neat little envelopes, I prayed that He would take away my feelings of guilt every time I ate, and the urge to vomit out what I had already eaten. Slowly, I let go of my desire to control my weight, and let God carry out His plans for me.

It was not easy, as I struggled whenever I weighed myself and saw the number rising. I gained back a total of 12 kg, which brought me back to a healthy weight. Eventually, I found myself not planning my meals in advance and willingly going on supper runs with the cell group! It was a lightbulb moment, as if God had turned on a switch in my brain that made me realise that life is so much more than what I eat and how I looked. Miraculously, I was enjoying eating again. Even more miraculously, the weight I gained was the exact number I wanted to gain at the start of my recovery journey, and it happened without me needing to obsess over the numbers. I thought to myself, if God didn’t have a hand in this, what else could it be?

Being free of my eating disorder after about four years has given me a new lease of life. I am able to focus on God and others around me instead of worrying about my weight or how much I am eating. God has healed me of the insecurity of needing validation from society. As my identity in Christ deepens, I feel assured of the love He has for me and that He is sufficient.

Four Signs You’re In An Abusive Relationship

Riley Sewell — Fri, 01 Jan 2021 08:14:00 +0000

“I feel like I am walking on eggshells with my boyfriend,” my best friend said.

Looking her straight in the eye, I took a deep breath. Then I asked, “Do you think you are in an emotionally abusive relationship?”

“Absolutely not. Sure, we have problems. I know I cry a lot and seem miserable at times. But honestly, it’s probably my fault for making him angry anyway. Abusive? No way.”

She was wrong, and all the signs told me so.

She knows now but didn’t know then that some of the most painful and damaging forms of abuse are subtle. Sure, it can be loud and amplified and completely obvious. However, abuse can also be a quiet and slow undermining of your confidence and psychological health.

ABUSE IN INTIMATE RELATIONSHIPS OFTEN GOES UNDETECTED.

Any abuse (physical, emotional, and spiritual) gnaws at the edges of your psyche, then slowly eats its way into your mental health, confidence, and even your identity. Abuse in intimate relationships often goes undetected. Secrecy, fed by shame, allows abuse to continue, so its very existence relies on that.

If you don’t know what abuse looks like, we’re here to shed some light.

What are some signs that you’re in an abusive relationship?

1. YOU’RE MADE TO FEEL LIKE YOU’RE GOING CRAZY.
One of the most insidious and powerful tools in an abusive partner’s arsenal is ‘gaslighting’. If you aren’t familiar with the term, it’s a technique to make a person doubt reality. The word ‘crazy’ is often used to describe how gaslit people are made to feel. For example, your partner may keep denying something you had known to be true to the point where you begin to believe them. Or, if you get upset when they speak harshly toward you, they may insist that you’re overreacting, so you begin to doubt your justification for anger. The whole point of gaslighting is to control you by tipping you off balance and making you mistrust your instincts and beliefs. Gaslighting makes you think eventually, “Am I the one who is the problem?”

THE MOST IMPORTANT THING TO REMEMBER IS TO NEVER MINIMISE OR MAKE EXCUSES FOR ANY OF THEIR ABUSIVE BEHAVIOURS.

2. YOU FIND YOURSELF ISOLATED FROM YOUR COMMUNITY.
An abuser may try to come between you and your people to make you more dependent on him. Isolation can start subtly. For example, the abuser could insist you “check in” at all times or tell you to quit activities because the only thing that should matter is your relationship with him. Or, he may slowly poison your other relationships by telling you negative things about the people you love, sowing doubt and discord.

Isolation gives abusers more control. If they know that you have no one to turn to, then the power is in their hands. Ultimately, this leaves you without a support system during your most significant time of need — which may be just what the abuser wants.

3. YOU’RE TREATED WITH CONTEMPT.
For my best friend, the emotional abuse didn’t come in the form of shouting matches — instead, it was the slow drip, drip, drip of gaslighting and also subtle forms of contempt. Contempt is expressed in many ways, including hostile humour, sarcasm, mockery, and name-calling. If your partner is exhibiting these kinds of behaviour, the relationship is emotionally abusive.

It is essential to ask yourself, does your partner criticise you in public? Or get sarcastic and tell others negative and embarrassing things about you? If so, you should consider these actions as red flags, because it shows you that your partner ignores or doesn’t even detect social decency rules. Abusive relationships rarely start with physical abuse. These are warning signs that your partner might act out even worse abusive behaviours behind closed doors.

ISOLATION GIVES ABUSERS MORE CONTROL. IF YOU HAVE NO ONE TO TURN TO, THEN THE POWER IS IN THEIR HANDS.

4. YOU’RE AFRAID OF THEIR ANGER.
It’s normal for someone to get angry and lose their temper once in a while. But for it to happen continually and explosively is a classic sign of abuse. Unlike the other signs, this one is easier to spot but no less damaging. Abusers may get aggressive or angry if you fail to do what they want, but because they can be warm and loving, before turning cold and angry in an instant, you may find yourself feeling like you need to be super careful to avoid making them upset.

GET OUT, AND GET HELP
If any of these signs sound painfully familiar, the first thing you need to realise is that the behaviour is totally unacceptable, and you are worthy of better. It’s time for things to change — immediately.

I know that advice is easier to give than to take, especially if you love your partner or are afraid to leave them. The most important thing to remember is to never minimise or make excuses for any of their abusive behaviours. Everyone goes through stress and frustration, experiences anger, and gets upset, but this is no excuse for acting in ways that harm others, emotionally or physically.

Please know that you are not alone. Like a tree, I encourage you to reach up to God in the knowledge that Jesus through His deep suffering understands the pain you’re going through and desires for your healing; reach out to your friends and loved ones for support; and dig down into the identity you have as a beloved daughter of God. If you need specialised help or know someone who does, it is readily available. In Singapore, the Ministry of Social and Family Development’s Break the Silence webpage <https://www.msf.gov.sg/breakthesilence/> provides hotlines and further information on abusive behaviour. If your school has counsellors, speak to them. There is a way out! Freedom and healing are on the other side of your courage.

Bullied, Bully, or Bystander?

Quek Shi Yun — Thu, 26 Nov 2020 01:10:00 +0000

There’s this girl we heard about. Let’s call her Lucy. Lucy was at the prime of her school life —16, the head of her CCA, and in, by Singaporean standards, a good school. She was popular and confident. Then one day, a bad decision made her fall from the good graces of her peers. She became the victim of bullying — she was ostracised and antagonised in person, and, more damagingly, was hounded and harassed online. Lucy started barricading herself in her room and isolating herself from everyone who loved her. She refused to go to school, even deferring her ‘O’ Level examinations. She started cutting herself, and at the peak of the bullying, even a trip to the nearby supermarket terrified her.

THE INTERNET CHANGES EVERYTHING
Are you perplexed by this story? Why would a so-called “simple” case of bullying lead to such devastating effects?

According to Ms. Joanne Wong, Head of TOUCH Cyber Wellness, there are some key elements that make cyberbullying so much more destructive than physical bullying. For one, cyberbullying is often anonymous, with perpetrators able to hide their identities or create fake profiles. Fear and paranoia can easily set in when you are constantly wondering if your bully might be physically near you.

To make matters worse, cyberbullies tend to be acquainted with their victims. Ms. Wong cites examples of cases where victims are in the same chat groups, schools, classes, or CCA groups as their bullies. The victims’ social media accounts are also visible and accessible to the bullies. “In such cases, the victims had to ‘live with’ the presence of bullies, which can seriously affect their ability to learn, focus, cope and, regulate their emotions.”

Having experienced physical bullying myself (Shi Yun) as a teenager, it’s hard to imagine just how debilitating cyberbullying can be. While I was tormented by my bullies every day in school, I always knew that I would be safe once I was home. But with the Internet, this isn’t so anymore. Cyberbullying can now happen any time and anywhere. Taunts and mockery go on regardless of where you are. Knowing that there is no escape, such bullying can cause perpetual anxiety in victims even when they are in what should be the safety of their own homes. What’s more, the fact that the Internet facilitates more witnesses and malicious comments means that the shame and humiliation experienced by the victim can increase exponentially.

It is no wonder that victims like Lucy feel helpless in the face of cyberbullying and overwhelmed by its effects!

CYBERBULLYING CAN NOW HAPPEN ANY TIME AND ANYWHERE. TAUNTS AND MOCKERY GO ON REGARDLESS OF WHERE YOU ARE.

WHAT WOULD YOU DO?
Lucy’s story isn’t a one-off case. Goh Wei-Shen, a counsellor with a social service agency, assures us that the effects of cyberbullying are very real. She’s counselled a 16-year-old girl who frequently complained of stomach cramps and feelings of nausea. These “excuses” for not going to school were really symptoms of the intense anxiety she was experiencing due to cyberbullying. In a different case, a 13-year-old girl became very withdrawn and would cry herself to sleep. She was self-harming and even attempted to end her life by overdosing on pills.

Hearing these stories just breaks our heart, and we hope it breaks yours too. But that isn’t enough to change things. So, what can you do when you encounter cyberbullying, whether you are the bullied, bully, or bystander?

TO THE BULLIED…
First of all, we grieve and stand with you. No one should be subject to the distress you have been through, and we pray that you know you are not alone. When we are bullied, it is easy to internalise all the lies spoken about us: “You’re ugly.” “You’re not worthy of love.” “You deserve to die.” These awful lies can take root in our hearts, no matter how hard we fight them. I (Shi Yun) was bullied at ten and even though the bullying eventually stopped, its effects stayed with me for years.

What saved me was a supportive family, kind bystanders who became friends, and going back to the foundation of my life — the Bible. I combatted each lie with God’s truth. God knows me personally (Luke 12:7; Ps 139:1–18). He sees my suffering and does not leave me alone (Ps 56:8; 9:9). He loves me to the extent that His Son, Jesus Christ, died for me (John 3:16; Gal 2:20)! It may surprise you that the verse that helped me break free from the pain of bullying was this command of Jesus recorded in Matthew 5:44 — “love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you.”

When the pain, anxiety and isolation overwhelmed me, I hid myself in His embrace. The emotions that come from being bullied are so very real, but so is His love. Rest in it.

TO THE BULLY…
Most of us wouldn’t want to think of ourselves as bullies. Yet, we may inadvertently be part of the problem when we choose to weigh in online with a mean remark here or a demeaning comment there, passing on gossip and baseless speculation.

Ask yourself: would you like to be at the receiving end of your unkind, intimidating words or actions? Proverb 18:21 warns us that the tongue has the power of life and death — in some bullying cases, this has turned out to be a terrible truth. Remember this: your words count, both online and offline, and the words you speak online have a real offline effect, even if you are able to remain anonymous. Pray this in earnest: “Set a guard over my mouth, LORD; keep watch over the door of my lips.” (Ps 141:3).

ASK YOURSELF: WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE AT THE RECEIVING END OF YOUR UNKIND, INTIMIDATING WORDS OR ACTIONS?

TO THE BYSTANDER…
Our message is simple: don’t just stand by. STAND UP! Rev. Chris Lee (of “British Priest Reacts” fame) told a story of the time a classmate stood up in class and viciously said to him, “No one likes you, Lee. Does anyone like Lee?” I can picture the scene — a small boy, seated with his head down, not daring to make eye contact with anyone. But another classmate spoke up: “I like him. He’s a good guy.” And just like that, the power of the bully was broken. What a beautiful image of the power you have to stand with victims of bullying! Don’t be afraid to do what is right. Take courage, and act.

BECOMING AN ADVOCATE
We know that cyberbullying is a problem. Some have even gone so far as to call it a “cyber pandemic”. God has always been on the side of victims and against bullies (Prov 3:34). His Word constantly charges us to fight for justice (Isa 1:17; Mic 6:8, Jer 22:3), and speak for the voiceless (Prov 31:8–9). As daughters of God, we pray that you see the value and dignity in each person (Gen 1:26), going beyond the behaviour of a bully or a bystander to become an advocate for those who can’t speak for themselves!

IF YOU ARE A VICTIM OF CYBERBULLYING
Here are Ms. Joanne Wong’s practical tips on what you can do if you are being bullied online:

1. Cut the bullies off. Block them online, disallow “follows” and direct messages from accounts you don’t follow, and remove them from your friends list.

2. Don’t delete the evidence — save it. Take screenshots of the online comments or private messages you receive as proof of the bullying, and monitor the frequency of bullying. See point 4.

3. Get help from a trusted adult. Keep them updated about how these incidences are affecting you personally so that they can give you the support you need.

4. Report it. With your parents, approach school teachers with evidence of the bullying. Schools in Singapore are well-positioned to jump in to protect and support you, as well as mediate between you and the bully.

5. In cases where all measures have been exhausted, you have the right to seek legal protection under the Protection Against Harassment Act. However, it is imperative to note that any legal proceedings can cause heavy mental and emotional burdens, and the family must be prepared to go through that.

Need more help? Call the TOUCHline at 1800 377 2252 (Mon–Fri, 9 am–6 pm). The helpline is manned by counsellors who will be able to assess the situation and provide the assistance and support you may need.

Once Suicidal and Broken, Now With Unending Hope! Jolyn Ng Tells All

Quek Shiwei — Wed, 16 Sep 2020 03:38:00 +0000

A quick look through the Instagram page Actspressions reveals the works of Jolyn Ng, all bold, bright, and beautiful. This is a person who is clearly unafraid of colour. She candidly shares, “I used to ask God why He gave me a skill that is not as functional as doctors’ or civil engineers’. He spoke to me in a sunset: “Why must the sun set beautifully? Why is the sky orange and pink?” I realised that God is creative and humans are made to behold beauty. I hope that the art in Actspressions helps people see that.”

With each joyous paintbrush stroke, Jolyn tells a layered story of the darkness she encountered before arriving in the light where she is today. At 19, she was diagnosed with clinical depression. “Hospitals, suicidal tendencies, anti-depressants and the whole sense of despair and hopelessness are familiar things to me. I was suicidal, broken and I lost all hope.”

THE TRIGGER
Having attended an elite school, it would seem that Jolyn had many good things going for her. In truth, she was struggling academically and socially. “I didn’t have any [godly] role model since I wasn’t from a Christian family. I was not sure of my values and didn’t have a compass for life. Eventually, I stumbled into bad company. I also had a lot of relationship problems; I think that was the main thing that broke me as a young girl. I wanted to find love and acceptance, but it quickly unravelled and bordered on sexual abuse. I was very broken and felt rejected and worthless.”

At 16, Jolyn’s life took a hopeful turn when she encountered Christ at a youth camp. But though she had hoped her relationships would be different from then on, she was soon disappointed. “I thought that a Christian guy would be different in relationships. However, the guy I was dating led me to fall into sexual sin. When I stopped it, he broke up with me.” To add on to this, two of her friends in church also started distancing themselves from her.

“I think these two incidents were the trigger (for depression). It brought back a lot of my past hurts and my feelings of worthlessness and abandonment.”

THE INTERVENTION
Thankfully, Jolyn had a friend in her cell group who was a professional counsellor. One day, her friend carefully broached the topic: “Jolyn, I think you might have depression.”

“I didn’t really understand what that meant so I said no, I don’t have depression. I thought depression was something uncontrollable, but I was still functioning. She explained that ‘depression is an illness, like a fever. You know anyone can get a fever, right? But some have a lower immune system which makes them more susceptible to having a fever. It is possible to recover without medication or treatment, but it might escalate or be more painful.’ She asked if she could bring me to a psychiatrist to get diagnosed. She also offered to call my parents and explain the situation to them. I was directed to her counselling centre, where I received therapy for a few months. That was how I was officially diagnosed.”

THE LOWEST POINT
Despite undergoing therapy, it was not sunshine all the time. She likens it to taking two steps forward and one step back.

One night, after months of seriously contemplating suicide, Jolyn reached her breaking point. Pensively, she recounts, “My good friend was going to Nepal for a mission trip, my then-boyfriend was going to Malaysia for a Christian camp, and my sister was leaving for a choir camp in Hong Kong. All these close friends were leaving the next day and I just couldn’t handle it.”

She spent the night writing farewell letters to different people. She also wrote to God saying, “I want to honour you but it’s so painful and so difficult, I cannot do it.” The next day, while out with one of her friends, she abruptly left and texted her friend not to look for her. Aware that Jolyn was in a raw mental state but unable to accompany her, she called another friend from church to be with Jolyn. This other friend followed Jolyn around and refused to leave her.

“I ASKED, ‘IF YOU REALLY LOVE ME, WHY WOULD YOU WANT TO SEE ME SUFFERING AND IN PAIN?’”

“I was very angry. I told her to leave me alone. I asked, ‘If you really love me, why would you want to see me suffering and in pain?’ She responded, ‘Jolyn, how do you expect me to leave you?’ Her tenderheartedness made me cry.”

Jolyn’s parents, who had been alerted by her friend, were also frantically searching for her. When Jolyn’s mum finally found her, she was at breaking point.

“When I saw my mum, she broke down and said, ‘Please, can we just go to the hospital? I don’t know what to do. I cannot help you.’ When I saw how broken and helpless she was, I agreed to go to the hospital.”

THE RECOVERY
Jolyn was hospitalised for a week, and upon her discharge, she had to work with social workers for a few months. While she acknowledges that overcoming depression looks different for everyone, she highlighted three things that have been instrumental in her recovery.

The first was education. She explains: “Imagine a line with two spectrums — extreme happiness and extreme sadness. Everyone is on this line; most people are somewhere nearer to the happy side on normal days. But there are also bad days and you veer towards the sad end. It happens to everyone. When you stay too long and close to the sad end that it begins to affect your daily life and how you function, that’s when you get diagnosed with depression.”

The second was counselling, which she credits as the biggest factor in her recovery. “I had a recurring nightmare about someone who wanted to catch me in my home. I had another nightmare where I was getting raped. I told my counsellor about them and as she is a Christian, she said, ‘Why don’t we both kneel on the floor and pray?’ Since then, I’ve never had those nightmares again!”

The third was people who cared. “Someone from my cell group would call me at 10 p.m. daily to pray with me. Some days I didn’t feel like picking up the phone! But over time, I realised that I was held together by a group of people who cared.”

"CAN A STRUGGLE WITH MENTAL HEALTH EVER BE TRULY OVER? I DON'T THINK SO."

THE PRESENT
Today, Jolyn acknowledges that her life is good. She got married in July last year, and continues to think about how she can grow her business in spite of the stress and difficulties associated with a start-up.

When asked if she thinks a struggle with mental health can ever be truly “over”, she pauses, before stating, “I don’t think so. I won’t say that I struggle with mental health now, but I still struggle with bad thoughts and how to cope with overwhelming emotions.”

When she feels herself slipping into negative patterns of thought again, she is able to recognise it and put a conscious stop to it. “I am someone who feels things deeply and is very sensitive to the world. When I am affected by something, I tell myself that these intense emotions will pass. It can just be a bad day or week, and I don’t let it shape my entire outlook on life.”

Now, Jolyn describes herself as “a small person with big dreams of great love being shared”. With each daily step and every artwork she puts out into the world, Jolyn aims to live up to the motto of Actspressions, inspired by a quote from Mother Teresa — to do small things with great love.

Surviving My Mental Health Struggle For 7 Years

Jane — Wed, 13 May 2020 14:27:00 +0000

I’ve survived my struggle with mental health for seven years.

I am a visual storyteller, a singer who loves to dance, and a film enthusiast. At 15, I was diagnosed with panic disorder, and at 18, my psychiatrist suggested that I may have dysthymia, a high functioning form of depression.

I remember times when I would lie on the floor in my room for ages, and stare blankly at the ceiling. I once realised that I could not really walk in a straight line on my way home from school. I was light-headed and my chest felt blocked, to the point that every breath of air was hard to take.

I knelt in the secret space of my room countless times, crying out to God for the grace to endure my struggles. However, it came to the point where I could not see any reason or purpose in persevering through life. Outwardly I showed faith; however, on the inside, I became angry and eventually bitter towards God.

I was hurt by comments like, “It’s okay, it’s just a phase”; “God says do not be anxious about anything …”; the worst was from one of my closest friends, who said, “Don’t you know that you are diverting the attention away from friends who really need it?” These were ‘Good Christian Girls’, but through my journey of healing and self-discovery, I realised that even saints are not perfect, so I have given those wounds to God. But I went on to poly thinking that what I had experienced, like what these people said, was “just a phase”.

However, the panic attacks only became stronger and I was no match to fight against them. My depressive symptoms started showing up in Year 2 of poly, when my body finally gave way to my dwindling mental state.

After five years of listening to well-meaning but unhelpful advice, I eventually snapped. As a result, I took two semesters off from school in mid 2018. Counselling, medication and the empathy of amazing, God-sent people helped me to get my engine going and move again. The process of struggle and recovery is still ongoing and some days I feel that I am getting better, while on others I feel like I am not.

One misconception about counselling is that you will see the results the moment you start going. However, my counsellor said that most clients only see progress by their eighth session or after! I used to feel drained after each therapy session, as I felt that I needed to keep talking about my life to my counsellor. However, recently, I felt comforted by her when she told me reassuringly, “You know, you don’t have to speak. Would you like me to leave the room for a while for you to rest?” I was shocked and touched, but I kept a poker face. I’ve realised that healing can take time and is an arduous process, but I have also learnt to be patient and kind toward myself.

I sometimes feel like I am fighting a losing battle. But I think that’s where the beauty lies — my inner turmoil has pushed me closer instead of further from God. In my weakness, I am forced to run to Him. I am reminded that He is holding me. I may have to live with this for my whole life. But you know what? I will live this life ‘breath by breath’, knowing that each breath I take, whether painful or not, is given by Him — and if He allows me to have that breath, then His story for me is definitely not finished yet.

Dig Deeper: Can People Who Commit Suicide Go To Heaven?

Nathalie Zani — Fri, 24 Jan 2020 04:00:00 +0000

Is taking your own life a sin?

If a loved one has taken their own life, it is inevitable that we would agonise over whether we could have done more to show them how much they matter, or how we could have missed the signs of their suffering. Worse still, should they have been Christian, it is natural to wonder if they are with Jesus.

We ask this question because we know that taking someone’s life is wrong (Gen 9:6; Exod 20:13), even if that life is our own. Yet, we know of Christians, who, in desperation, ended their own lives — perhaps they felt worthless because their grades aren’t good enough; perhaps they were cruelly bullied into believing their lives weren’t worth anything; perhaps they struggled with debilitating mental illnesses that left them hopeless and in despair before deciding to end it all. We have to acknowledge the immense conflict they might have gone through, while not taking it as proper justification for the act of suicide.

But the question still haunts us: even under such desperate circumstances, if a Christian commits suicide, can they go to heaven?

Can sin be forgiven?

The Bible is very clear — when we rebel against God by saying that we are the ones in charge and don’t have to obey what God says, we are in sin. This is what breaks our relationship with God (Rom 3:23). Sin separates us from Him, and disqualifies us from being with Him forever.

However, the Bible doesn’t end with this message of doom and gloom! Instead, it tells us that Jesus offers us forgiveness, and it is through Jesus’ death on the cross that we can be reconciled with God (John 14:6). If we acknowledge our rebellion, turn away from it, and trust and follow Him, we will be with Him eternally where He is, whether in Heaven or on His restored earth (Rev 21).

Our eternity with Jesus does not depend on us deserving it through anything we could do (Eph 2:8–9). Rather, it depends on whether or not we have put our faith in Him!

Can the sin of suicide be forgiven?

When we wonder whether a Christian who committed suicide can go to heaven, we are asking whether the sin of suicide can be forgiven, so that the person can be with Jesus eternally.

No one, whether they lived out their lifespan or committed suicide, can earn their place with God. Faith in Jesus Christ is what saves us (Gal 2:15–16), not how much good or bad someone has done. This is true of those we love who have committed suicide. This is true for everyone.

So, when we ask if someone who took their own life can be with Jesus or not, the difficult answer is, we do not know for sure until we can ask this of Jesus face-to-face. It would be impossible for us to fully know a person’s heart and whether they have truly put their trust in Jesus, even as they struggle in the last moments of their life with depression and despair.

But what we do know is that God desires for all to know Him (1 Tim 2:3–4; 2 Pet 3:8–9). He is also compassionate and merciful (Exod 34:6–7; Mic 7:18–19; Ps 103:8–14), He understands grief and pain (John 11:33–36), and He cares for those who are vulnerable and oppressed (Deut 24:17-22; Jer 22:3; Matt 25:31–46).

If you have lost a friend to suicide and are wrestling with this question, you can find comfort in knowing that God is not blind to those who suffer, and when a person is driven by desperation to take their own life, God grieves with them in their suffering and mourns over them at their death as well.

Is someone you know having suicidal thoughts? Contact the Samaritans of Singapore on their 24-hour hotline at 1800 221 4444 for help.

If you have lost a friend or loved one to suicide, do not be afraid to seek help from your parents, teachers, pastors, or a counsellor. You might want to read Dorothea Wong’s reflections on her friends’ suicides in Issue 36 of Kallos Magazine (below), or download the digital copy from our library.