Purity – Kallos

Why Is Christian Dating So Complicated?

Hannah Leung — Wed, 02 Nov 2022 09:33:00 +0000

With a heart to honour God, many Christians start dating with a list of do’s and don’ts in mind. Must it be so complicated? HANNAH LEUNG shares the lessons she learnt in dating.

Ah, dating. The strange phase between being single and being married. Whether you’re single or married, there are explicit principles and encouragements you can turn to in the Bible. The Bible, though, doesn’t discuss dating. Dating only became commonplace way after biblical times. Almost all the characters in the Bible were brought together via family arrangements!

Yet, there seems to be an endless stream of rules surrounding dating for Christians. Since there are no guidelines in the Bible, many well-meaning church leaders try to help us prepare for dating by setting rules that are grounded in biblical principles.

I remember the once-a-year service in youth church when leaders would share about boy-girl relationships (BGR) — what to do; what not to do; what to expect; what to flee from … must dating be so complicated?

After hearing all these guidelines, I felt anxious about entering a relationship, though having rules made sense to me. I knew that as humans, we tend to act on our emotions and conveniences. I hoped that the guy I ended up dating would want to tread wisely and carefully as well.

Just before I turned 19, a close friend from church, Abhi, told me that he really liked me. But in that conversation, he also confessed to the physical intimacy he shared with his previous girlfriends. He wanted me to know before I made any decision about going out with him.

Oh …. What do I do now? I wasn’t sure what to do when the “rules” were broken before the relationship even started. As we ventured into dating, I learned some lessons about how dating guidelines could help our relationship.

Lesson 1: Guidelines are not just about what’s right or wrong (although there are certainly rights and wrongs!)

After hearing many stories about how guys are easily led to think lustfully, coupled with the fact that Abhi had already broken some dating guidelines, I felt this heavy responsibility to make sure he didn’t have ‘funny’ thoughts. We started dating for about a year, and throughout that year, I didn’t let him hold my hand. I could tell that he really wanted to, but I was afraid of what it might lead to!

Was it right for me not to let him hold my hand? When it comes to physical boundaries, I don’t think that there is a right or wrong to most actions per se. It might be more helpful to think about whether an action is wise or unwise. What was clear to us was that having sex outside of marriage is something spoken against strongly in the Bible (e.g., Gen 2:24; Lev 20:10; Prov 5:15–21; 1 Cor 7:2). We wanted to honour God in our relationship by not engaging in sexual relations before marriage. Therefore, to help ourselves stay far from temptation, what was wise for us at that time was to keep to this boundary, though it may have appeared extreme to others!

Looking back, I think it was a helpful decision not to hold hands, because it made it clear that I didn’t want to engage in any behaviour that may arouse us. Well, holding hands may seem safe now, but the guidelines we put in place helped us to stay as far away as we could from any sexual temptation!

I WASN’T SURE WHAT TO DO WHEN THE “RULES” WERE BROKEN BEFORE THE RELATIONSHIP EVEN STARTED.

Lesson 2: Guidelines can change

As we continued in the relationship and there was greater certainty of our feelings for each other, we felt that we could look at our physical boundaries again. We wanted to find new rules that would allow us to express and enjoy each other’s affections without compromising on our commitment to honour God. We took some time to think about it, and one day, he shared openly that he felt that kissing would cause us to venture into sexual territory. Thus, we decided that that was the line we wouldn’t cross, and we wouldn’t share a kiss until we got married. I don’t think it’s a commandment to be followed by everyone, but it was what we decided was beneficial for us. Withholding some of our physical desires at the dating stage is a way to love our partners, since it helps them to honour and love God. I wouldn’t want to lead Abhi into doing what he thinks is wrong!

WHEN IT COMES TO PHYSICAL BOUNDARIES, I DON’T THINK THAT THERE IS A RIGHT OR WRONG TO MOST ACTIONS PER SE.

Different guidelines are helpful to different couples, and guidelines can be revisited as your relationship progresses. For us, discussing our physical boundaries while dating made things unambiguous, while allowing us to grow into new expressions of affection comfortably. At every point when we wanted to do something new, for example, when we started holding hands, or hugging, we would check with each other if we were OK with it. While our emotions led us to desire more physical intimacy with each other, our desire to honour God helped us to say no to some behaviours that we felt could lead us into sexual temptation.

Lesson 3: Guidelines help us to honour God

Guidelines are not there to steal our joy. They should liberate us to enjoying a God-honouring relationship that produces joy! Imagine if there were no rules in soccer. Someone decides to use his hand to block the ball, or there could be ten goalkeepers completely blocking the goal …. It wouldn’t really be a proper soccer game, would it? It would be frustrating, confusing, and potentially cause lots of injuries! Likewise, guidelines in our relationships help us to enjoy them more. When we don’t have to constantly guess what is right to do in a relationship, we have the freedom to enjoy it fully within the boundaries we have set.

THAT DESIRE TO HONOUR GOD AND OUR PARTNER IS WHAT MOTIVATES US TO SET UP THESE RULES.

Lesson 4: Christ-led dating sets you up for a Christ-led marriage

At the end of the day, dating concludes with the question of marriage. What do you want in your marriage? With dating, you are already building a relationship with a person, and that relationship can’t change overnight on your wedding day. The final lesson I would like to share is this: if you want your marriage to be one where God is first and foremost, it needs to start at the dating stage.

I’ve talked a lot about physical intimacy because it seems to be the biggest issue in Christian dating, and thus, an area with a lot of guidelines and rules. But it is far from the only aspect of a dating relationship that needs discussion. Have you given any thought to areas in your dating life that might draw you away from God?

Choosing to prioritise honouring God in your dating relationship may feel difficult at times, because it could mean that you are putting to death something of your earthly (as opposed to godly) nature. We read about this in Colossians 3. In putting to death our sinful nature, we can take on Christ’s nature (Col 3:5–10, 12–13). Verse 14 says, “And over all these virtues put on love” — such true love is also what we desire and hope for in our romantic relationships. Christian dating can feel complicated, but really, it doesn’t need to be. At the heart of it all, that desire to honour God and our partner is what motivates us to set up these rules, as a way of setting us up for a love that matures and deepens with time.

Whenever you feel discouraged or a little rebellious, remember the way that Christ loves us with wisdom and patience. Those are the characteristics we hope for in who we marry, and the characteristics we hope to develop in ourselves. As such, persevere in having guidelines in your relationship, and take heart that it will most certainly be worth it.

Dear Kallos: How do I know if I’m over a break-up/my ex?

Alina Teo — Sat, 01 May 2021 03:29:00 +0000

How do I know if I’m over a break-up/my ex? There are times when I think I’m over it, but there are days when I think I’m still hung up on him. - Unsure

dear Unsure,

Our emotions after a break-up can be very tricky. At times, we feel all right, and at other times, we feel like our world is crashing down on us again. Sometimes, we may wonder why God even gave us all these messy feelings in the first place.

The ability to feel these emotions is a gift, reminding us that we are humans who are capable of experiencing deep joys but also great pains. I know it isn’t easy dealing with these feelings, but take heart! God is with you in your sadness and He will guide you through it. You just have to ask.

Moving on from a break-up can be very difficult. Perhaps, instead of asking how you know if you are over your break-up, a more important question to ask is this: Why did the relationship end? If the relationship was not a godly one, or if you both had certainty that God was leading the relationship to an end, then you have the certainty to proceed in your decision. Sometimes, we may be so clouded by good memories that we can’t see what is really happening before us.

A second question would be this: Do you want to get over and move on from this relationship? If the answer is yes, then stick to your decision no matter how you feel on different days. People deal with break-ups differently, so if you feel like you’re taking longer than others to get over yours, don’t compare yourself with how long others seem to take. Take the time you need to grieve the end of the relationship, and then take the necessary steps to move on, such as stopping communication lines with your ex and catching yourself when your thoughts begin to wander to the possibility of starting something again. Soon, your feelings will follow. Get the support of your friends to hold you accountable and check in with you on difficult days.

If you are unsure about the break-up, continue to pray and ask God where He is taking this relationship. Talk to a leader in church whom you trust and allow her to guide you through this difficult time. Godly advice is so important, because we often can’t see the blind spots in our relationships. Having someone to walk with you would be very helpful.

Feelings are real, but they aren’t always good indicators of what we should do. God understands how you feel, and He is your comforter. Second Corinthians 1:3 tells us that our God is a “God of all comfort”, so entrust yourself to Him and rest in Him. God holds you close and you are never alone in your heartbreak (Ps 34:18).

Don’t be disheartened, sister! Let God be your source of comfort and peace. Let this journey be one of maturing and growth as you choose to seek God above all else.

Dear Kallos: How do we set up emotional boundaries with someone we like but want to stay as friends?

Kallos Team — Mon, 01 Mar 2021 14:04:00 +0000

How do we set up emotional boundaries with someone we like but want to stay as friends? - Waiting

dear Waiting,

Thank you for your question that is so relevant. Emotions are God-given, but they can honestly be very messy too. One important thing to remember is that emotions are real, but they aren’t eternal truth. I applaud you for bearing in mind that even though you have feelings for someone, you don’t have to act on them right now!

My first thought is, what is the motivation to stay friends given that you like the person, rather than seeing if the relationship can go further? Are you feeling that it isn’t the right season to get attached? Or perhaps you want to remain friends for now because you’re still unsure about the possibilities ahead? Whatever your motivation, knowing your reason for remaining friends will help clarify your actions and bring you back to what is important. Underlying your every motivation should be to honour God in the season you are in. In any situation, seeking God for clarity is key.

As for setting up emotional boundaries, firstly, you can communicate with the person less often than you might like to, as constant communication often leads to feelings developing even more! I know it may sound rather rigid, but honestly, setting a limit to the times you communicate helps.

Secondly, watch what you talk about. If the conversation is veering toward being flirtatious, pull the handbrake. If you’re sharing with this person more than you should with a regular male friend, you may want to re-evaluate what you are doing.

Thirdly, if feelings are mutual, have a chat with this person and set up certain boundaries you both want to adhere to, so that you can remain friends for now instead of awakening love before the time is right (Song 2:7). Do what is appropriate for your level of commitment. For example, if you’re remaining friends because you’re not ready to be in a relationship, don’t go out one-on-one, act like the relationship is already exclusive, or share deeply about your lives. That should be reserved for when you’re ready to date, and able to keep yourselves accountable to the authorities in your life, such as your parents or church leaders. Set up such boundaries together — being on the same page on where you stand is often a lot easier than muddling through without clear expectations!

Lastly, keep talking to God about this, committing everything to Him and being accountable with a trusted Christian mentor to help shepherd you in the right direction. The right timing leads to amazing relationships — if we have the patience to wait and faith to trust in God.

Il-Lust-Trations: Is Anime The Enemy?

Nicole Soh — Fri, 01 Jan 2021 08:40:00 +0000

Are there any anime fans out there? I used to be a huge fan! Like most people, I was first drawn to anime because my friends were watching it too. Katekyo Hitman Reborn!, Free!, Maid Sama, and other anime series got me hooked. I enjoyed the friendships that the various anime portrayed, the action scenes, and the occasional romance. Anime was and still is a conversation starter for me among new friends — I like that we get to bond over our favourite characters or iconic anime scenes! However, you may have noticed the key phrase “I used to” — because I don’t watch anime as much as I did anymore.

Anime sometimes gets a bad reputation because it is seen as a highly sexualised genre. People associate anime with big-chested women, short skirts, and lustful men. But just like K-dramas or Hollywood films, anime can be classified into numerous genres, such as romance, comedy and so on. Just as you can’t say that all movies are bad, you can’t say that all anime is bad either. There are anime that contain great life lessons, tug at your heartstrings or get you laughing! Exciting action-filled anime and heart-warming series about friendship have brought me and many others a lot of joy, and as the anime-watching community expands, it also has the potential to be a place where some feel they truly belong.

THE DARK SIDE OF ANIME
For me though, while anime was a great source of simple enjoyment at first, it eventually showed its dark sides. While I started out watching anime innocently, I soon sunk into the ocean of anime fanservice, which refers to the practice of giving fans what they want. And more often than not, what the fans want is more sexually explicit content. When an anime could have shown a character with an eye-level shot, the popularity of fanservice would lead the anime makers to dress the character in a short skirt and present her with a low-level shot, effectively giving viewers a “panty-shot.” In other instances, steamy shower scenes, detailed scenes of a man or woman disrobing, or beach scenes with bikini-clad women galore would be included though they have little relevance to the plot. Sadly, my growing interest in fanservice of this nature led me into a pornography addiction that lasted nearly seven years.

WALKING IN THE LIGHT
Anime in and of itself is not pornography. But for me, the two became so closely linked. I knew I had to completely step away from anime because it was my gateway into sexual sin. I was always in the cycle of watching fanservice and pornography, peeling myself away, and running back to it over and over again. Being in church and hearing sermons about repentance and sin felt like God was convicting me to confess what was happening and to stop. Yet while my mind wanted to heed His call, my sinful heart refused, and I kept watching pornography and ignoring the Holy Spirit. The guilt in me kept growing. This season of actively sinning took a toll on my walk with God. As a church-going youth in a Christian family, I felt horrible about having two versions of myself. Here I was knowing what to do and say in church, but in secret, I was not living like Christ, and I knew it.

To make matters worse, I realised that anime and other sexual content were warping my view on relationships and friendships with guys. The anime I watched depicted women being sexually exploited and harassed. In action anime, women in authority were disrespected by men, and those who were superior in strength still ended up being undermined by men. In romance anime, girls who were not in a relationship were teased and put down, and a recurring theme was that the most attractive woman was always the most popular one, reinforcing the belief that I had to be physically attractive to be liked at all.

As the anime I watched affected my understanding of my value as a woman and how relationships should work, I started to misread situations with my male friends and overthink my connections with them. These were friendships that I treasured with guys in school and in church, and I knew that if I continued the way I was going, these relationships would only be strained further by my overthinking. All of this, coupled with the growing conviction of the Holy Spirit, led me to eventually leave pornography and anime behind me after seven long years.

When I decided to stop watching anime and pornography, I confessed my viewing habits to my mum for accountability. When it comes to sexual sins, it may feel like your hands are dirty, and it is difficult to tell anyone. But bringing sexual sin into the light takes the power of its secrecy away from the devil.

ANIME IN AND OF ITSELF IS NOT PORNOGRAPHY. BUT FOR ME, THE TWO BECAME SO CLOSELY LINKED.

STOP AND CHECK YOUR HEART
If you are feeling the nudge of the Holy Spirit right now, then the next step after this is a simple one. As Christian women, we should be discerning with anime, just as we try to be wise about the other types of media that we consume.

The next time you watch anime, ask yourself these questions honestly: Are the values shown in anime in line with what the Bible says? Do the way the female characters dress make you want to dress like them too? Has romantic anime affected your understanding of how relationships between guys and girls work? These questions don’t just apply to anime but other types of shows as well. The answers to them may not come immediately, but answer honestly! We are called to guard what enters and stays in our mind, as “we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ” (2 Cor 10:5). If you decide that you need to put some distance between you and harmful anime (or any other type of show), seek out people you can be accountable to. There is no one watching over your shoulder to stop you from going back to it, and simple self-control isn’t always enough. Ask God for strength — this isn’t a battle you need to fight on your own.

BRINGING SEXUAL SIN INTO THE LIGHT TAKES THE POWER OF ITS SECRECY AWAY FROM THE DEVIL.

For the avid anime viewer who doesn’t feel they have a problem, take a step back to assess the time you spend on anime, and think about whether they have started to warp your own sense of what reality should look like. Anime, like all forms of media, rakes in profits for successful creators, and anime makers will definitely continue to give the fans what they want, whether it is truly beneficial or not. Yes, it can be morally neutral, but it can be really harmful as well! Just as you would with anything else, put it before the Lord and be frank about whether it can lead you to sin or to stumble in your walk with Him.

Finally, remember the words of Paul in Philippians 4:8 — “Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable — if anything is excellent or praiseworthy — think about such things.”

Dear Kallos: Should girls who desire to date take active steps to pursue a relationship with a guy?

Alina Teo — Fri, 01 Jan 2021 08:10:00 +0000

Dear Kallos, should girls who desire to date take active steps to pursue a relationship with a guy? How do you show your interest in a guy without being too flirtatious? - Desiring-to-date

dear Desiring-to-date,

In a world that tells us to date until we find the right one, it isn’t easy to choose to trust God for a right guy at the right time. Before delving deeper into your question, I need to state that desiring to date and being ready to date (given your age or season in life) are two different things altogether! If you are ready to date, this advice is for you. If you are not, this advice is also for you, but to be kept away until the time is right.

Some say that girls should never ask a guy out, while others think it is acceptable. Without trying to take sides, I think the heart of the matter is really this: where does your trust lie? Thoughts like, “What if I’m left on the shelf?” or “What if I don’t find Mr. Right?” can float round our minds, and more often than not, we just want to take things into our own hands. Let’s say there is a guy you are interested in and can see yourself dating, but he doesn’t seem to be making a move. The first question that you can ask yourself is, “Do I trust God with this potential new relationship without having to ‘make something happen’ myself?” Trust in God’s good timing. Give yourself the chance to get to know the guy better, and to let him get to know you better too!

There are ways of showing interest in a godly and appropriate way without coming across as flirtatious. Being flirtatious means behaving with the intention to attract another sexually through words, actions, or body language. This is something that we want to stay away from, as it doesn’t guard our purity of heart and can harm the faith of others.

Spending time with the guy you are interested in within group settings is a great way to get to know him better. How a person is like when they’re with friends is often a good indicator of how they truly are. You can also build a connection with him by initiating conversations with the guy or attending gatherings where he might be (but do let COVID-19 settle down first!). A simple gesture like organising group activities that involve him can also be a way of indicating your interest wisely.

At the end of the day, remember your worth in Christ. No guy can make you worth more than you already are by getting together with him!

Dear Kallos: Is It Okay To Go Overseas With My Boyfriend?

Alina Teo — Thu, 26 Nov 2020 01:09:00 +0000

Dear Kallos, is it okay to go overseas with my boyfriend? – Curious

dear Curious,

Thank you for bringing up such a hot topic! This is a question many have asked and often wonder about. Some common points raised include: “Everyone is doing it, so why can’t I?”; “We have clear physical boundaries set, so we’ll be fine”; and “It’s no big deal — why make such a fuss about it?”

I’ll start by sharing my own experience. When my husband and I were dating, we made a very clear commitment that we would not travel alone together because of a few reasons. The chief reason was that, even though we had already set clear physical boundaries, we didn’t want this to be a potential area for temptation (1 Cor 6:18). Second, my parents were not keen on the idea, and we wanted to honour them (Exod 20:12). Third, we wanted to set a good example for the younger teens in our church to follow, as well as avoid speculation about what we might do if we travelled alone together (Rom 14:13). We agreed that travelling with friends would be fine, but we would not be sharing a room.

To be completely honest, I had often wished I could travel alone with my then-boyfriend (now husband). I thought about the fun memories we would get to carve out together, the many places we could visit, the convenience of planning our own trips rather than needing to organise with others. Yet, we stuck to our commitment and kept our first sweet overseas trip alone together for our honeymoon. We had to give up certain so-called “ordinary” things that couples do, but it was worth it, as it made sure that we did our best to remain right before God, honour our parents, and set a good example for the younger ones in church.

In a foreign land, filled with excitement, everything is new and fun … it is all too easy to be swept up in the moment and leave beliefs and values at the door. It may sound cheesy, but the truth is that this is what many who have had pre-marital sex or went “too far” confess to. It is so easy to keep whatever happened between you and your boyfriend hush-hush, especially when no one is around. True, you can be accountable and put measures to prevent such occurrences, but the real question is, why put yourself in such a position in the first place? Sure, nothing could happen — but what if it did?

I was convicted that it was “not OK” to travel with my boyfriend. Others might have differing yardsticks and that’s their journey, but I want to challenge you with this question: Would you be willing to give up your desires to do your best to be right before God?

The Real Talk Challenge

Quek Shiwei — Wed, 16 Sep 2020 03:42:00 +0000

CHALLENGE RULES

Read three chapters of Real Talk: Exposing 10 Myths About Love and Sexuality and respond to the reflection questions at the end of each myth.
– Myth 2: Guys are more interested in how sexual a woman is than how pure she is.
– Myth 5: Sex is just for self-pleasure.
– Myth 8: There is nothing wrong with watching porn; I am not hurting anyone in the process.
After completing the reflection questions at the end of each chapter, schedule a call/meet up with each other to share your thoughts and struggles with what you’ve read. Pray for each other at the end of each meeting.

Challenger: Janelle Fong & Jana Ponnia, 16

Fun Fact:
We have been table partners in school for over a year, have totally opposite personalities, and both love stickers!

INITIAL THOUGHTS
Jana: I was not expecting the topics to be so difficult. However, at this age, it is important to delve deeper into these myths. I am not sure how this will progress but I am certain this challenge will help me be more confident in my faith and draw me closer to God. I am very grateful that I am able to do this challenge with Janelle because we are close, so it will be easier and more comfortable to talk about these myths. Despite all my uncertainties, I am excited! The myth I am most eager to discuss is: Guys are more interested in how sexual a woman is than how pure she is. I personally do not agree with this statement. However, I don’t quite know how to express my thoughts on this, so I hope that reading this chapter will help me gain clarity.

Janelle: When I first found out which chapters we would be reading and discussing, I found it a bit weird because they are topics that usually aren’t discussed in normal conversations. However, I think that this will be a good learning experience and will help me grow closer to God. I’m also very curious as to how my discussions with Jana will go. Similar to Jana, I am curious about Myth 2 because I have heard it many times but I strongly disagree with it. I am interested to find out other viewpoints about this myth.

CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
Jana: For me, Myth 8 was an interesting chapter. I was always told to stay away from pornography and explicit content; I have just accepted that it is bad but I have never been told what makes it bad. I have always believed that watching porn is a sin but it was important for me to understand why it is against God’s will. I especially liked the line, “[there has been a] shift from sex for procreation to sex for recreation” because I felt that it clearly summarised the difference between God’s intent of sex for love versus worldly desires and lust. I have always believed in sex after marriage and this chapter reinforced that too. I am glad that I can now articulate my beliefs clearly!

One thing that really struck me in Myth 5 and 8 was the impact of consuming explicit material on others globally. I never really thought about the impact of pornography on prostitution and sex trafficking. This is really a big issue especially in poorer areas in the world as children are being exploited too.

Janelle: Myth 2 listed ways to identify a godly man (e.g. one who respects the boundaries you have set for yourself, who tries his best to flee from physical temptation etc.). That was very thought provoking for me as I have never really thought about the qualities I would want in a future partner except that he has to be a Christian. These were very useful pointers that I would definitely keep in mind in the future!

Myth 8 was also a very eye-opening one! I realised that so many people are impacted and affected when people watch pornography. It deepened my perspective that porn objectifies people and this objectification can be carried into real life where what is seen in porn is reflected in the expectations we have of how people should look or behave. The pornography industry is one that exploits people and it saddens me to think that there may be some who have no choice but to enter the industry for a living. It must be incredibly painful for God to witness His creation treated in such ways and I think it is important for people to realise that watching porn goes way beyond fuelling their lust. Watching porn also affects our brains and the relationships we form with other people as well. It is even more important that we stay away from porn in order for us to be able to build healthy relationships with others.

FINAL THOUGHTS
Jana: Honestly, it was a little awkward at first as we didn’t really know how to begin. But as we progressed, we delved into deeper discussions which were helpful. I enjoyed talking to Janelle about these topics because I was able to hear her views too. The last time I delved into such topics at length was around two years ago with two best friends from church. I really feel that it is essential to discuss such topics with close friends or our parents. I also grew in my walk with God because I understood more about His plan for me and what is against His will. I hope to apply all the things I have learnt to truly be a woman after God’s own heart!

Janelle: Broaching these topics are always a little hard initially. It helped that I am quite comfortable around Jana. My first conversation about such topics was with a non-Christian friend. At that time, we both shared similar views, such as how pornography can be harmful to others (those who work in the industry and the people around us), and how we believe in abstinence before marriage. This time, the conversation with Jana was more God-oriented and we were able to discuss how God fits in the whole narrative about sexuality. Furthermore, the discussions made me think that although these topics are considered “taboo” in Asian countries, they should be discussed more openly. Doing so in the context of church and cell group would help to educate young people about sexuality too, and help them to hold each other accountable in their struggles. Overall, it was a really interesting challenge for me and I look forward to growing closer to God as I journey to stay pure both in heart and mind!

Trigger Warning: Fighting Off Porn During Covid-19

Eunice Sng — Mon, 06 Jul 2020 16:19:00 +0000

Jessica Harris, author, blogger, international speaker, and creator of beggarsdaughter.com, is passionate about helping young women find hope and freedom in their sexual struggles. Her book Beggar’s Daughter: From the Rags of Pornography to the Riches of Grace chronicles the struggles of her years-long journey with pornography and her road to healing.

Kallos: During this pandemic, most students would find themselves stuck at home with a lot of time on their hands and may desire to watch porn. Do you have any advice on finding healthy distractions from emotional triggers such as boredom and loneliness?

Jessica: This pandemic has created some unique circumstances for so many of us. It is a “perfect storm” for women who struggle because it forces us to contend with so many triggers like anxiety, fear, uncertainty and even hopelessness while also upsetting our routines, cutting us off from community and limiting the activities we can do. However, it’s very important that we start with the truth of 1 Corinthians 10:13. It says that God is faithful and He will not only keep us from being tempted beyond our ability, but that He will also provide a way to escape.

I think, too often, we consider distractions the same thing as escaping temptation and they aren’t. So, lack of distraction and boredom are not excuses for giving in to temptation.

We don’t find freedom in distracting ourselves from sin; we find freedom in fleeing sin and finding healing. I would encourage women to press in to those hurting places and really do some hard work with God in this time. If loneliness is a trigger, for instance, press in to ‘Why?’ Are there lies there that you are believing in? Then, what is God’s truth? As you work on letting God heal those places, work on fighting the trigger as well. Reach out to friends. Find a way to stay connected. Give yourself something to look forward to every day. See this as a Sabbath, in a way. A chance to have your soul refreshed.

WE DON'T FIND FREEDOM IN DISTRACTING OURSELVES FROM SIN; WE FIND FREEDOM IN FLEEING SIN AND FINDING HEALING.

Kallos: With the prevalence of social media, one doesn’t necessarily need to go to porn sites to have lustful thoughts. What are some safe markers that one can put in place?

Jessica: Pornography is everywhere, but it’s important to understand that we can have lustful thoughts even without seeing any kind of content. Plenty of women struggle with making up their own fantasy in their minds. That being said, it’s important that we are always aware of the temptations that are out there. You always want to ask yourself, “Why am I doing this?” Is it to stay connected? Is it because I’m bored? Is it a social media addiction? Is it to encourage other people? Is it to satisfy my own lust? Each woman knows what her unique triggers are. So while having your own boundaries on social media is important, the more important work is learning to take our thoughts captive and to guard our hearts and minds.

Kallos: What do you think about the mindset, “My body, my rights. I’ll wear what I want!” Could dressing in a revealing manner stumble another struggling with a porn addiction?

Jessica: When it comes to modesty, we need to operate from a position of freedom, not fear. Christian modesty messages can make us feel ashamed of our bodies or afraid of our sexuality. Both of those are God-given, good, and not something to be ashamed of. As women, we need to ask ourselves, “What message is this sending?” not “Will this cause someone else to stumble?” The reason is people can “stumble” over very different parts of the body — some people find ears, necks, and feet attractive.

That’s why our motive for modesty has to come from our own desire to honour God with the message we communicate through our dress. If you put on a piece of clothing that you intend to draw sexual attention toward your body, that reveals something about your heart. The first time I met my husband, I was dressed very modestly, but he still found me sexually attractive. The responsibility for controlling his mind was completely his. I didn’t dress in anything provocative or in any way to draw that sort of attention to myself. However, if he had told me, “Jessica, this particular shirt you wear really stirs up sexual feelings” even if the shirt was completely modest, I would have made sure not to wear it around him.

Kallos: How can someone heal from the guilt and shame of failing once again — feeling hopeless, especially in this time of lockdown where it seems to be a never-ending cycle?

Jessica: Healing can only come from an encounter with Jesus. The issue is when we are hopeless, struggling with guilt and shame, many of us turn away from God. We assume He’s mad at us, frustrated with us, and sick and tired of us “messing up”. But that’s not the message of the gospel. The devil would love us to believe that we’re hopeless and that God is disgusted with us, but that’s not truth. We have to stand on the fact that God’s mercies are new every morning and we have to take responsibility for our part in the fight against sin. I would certainly encourage women to start by studying Romans 6–8. I call these “the freedom chapters” and they are rich with truth about grace and freedom from shame and condemnation.

THE DEVIL WOULD LOVE US TO BELIEVE THAT WE’RE HOPELESS AND THAT GOD IS DISGUSTED WITH US, BUT THAT’S NOT TRUTH.

Kallos: For people who are struggling with both internal and external triggers, and have the mindset, “Just muscle through it, ignore it, and it will go away” — do you have any advice or words of encouragement for them?

Jessica: I think it’s important that we look at this struggle through the mindset of healing. We so often frame pornography and lust as “a bad thing we do that we just need to stop” and we neglect the damage it is causing in our lives and the damage in our lives that may be drawing us into this. Too often when we muscle through it and ignore it, what we’re really doing is numbing ourselves and adopting a calloused coping strategy. We close ourselves off and refuse to address the issue and may even start lashing out at people who want to help us, even God. That’s not the life He longs for us to have. He wants us to heal, and we can’t do that by ignoring pain.

It’s also important to realise a sex drive is different from a trigger. Desiring sex is not wrong and is not the same as lust. A desire for sex is healthy and needs to be acknowledged and entrusted to God. We need to recognise that sex itself is good and God’s idea. That mindset can also help us as we battle temptation because we can ask ourselves, “Is this the way God wanted it?” And if the answer is no, then we need to deal with that accordingly.

Want to know more?

Find more resources from Jessica Harris at beggarsdaughter.com, or read her book, Beggar’s Daughter.

What Love Songs Taught Me About Sex

Kallos Team — Thu, 14 Nov 2019 04:23:00 +0000

Contrary to popular belief, the smash hit of 2017, Despacito, has nothing to do with burritos, mosquitoes or potatoes, but everything to do with … yes, SEX. Some of the lyrics even translate to “I want to undress you in kisses slowly” and “Let me trespass your danger zones / Until I make you scream.” Yikes!

But well, at least it’s in Spanish … if we didn’t know what we were singing along to, it probably doesn’t matter … right?

Like it or not, pop songs have become incredibly sexualised. If you were to throw a stone in a metaphorical room full of current hits, you’re almost guaranteed to strike one that talks about sex. So, how big a problem is it for us to sing along to these songs? To answer that question, here are three dangerous lies pop songs have told us about sex.

LIE 1: SEX IS "JUST PHYSICAL"

If you listen to love songs these days, you might come away thinking that sex is simply about physical pleasure to fulfil your sexual needs. Very few songs mention anything about trust, emotional intimacy and commitment. Let’s have some samples:

“Oooh I love that dress/ But you won’t need it anymore…/ Let’s just kiss til’ we’re naked baby.” – Versace on the Floor by Bruno Mars

“I can’t keep my hands to myself/ I mean, I could, but why would I want to?” – Hands To Myself by Selena Gomez

“Only bought this dress so you could take it off” — Dress by Taylor Swift

The way sex is portrayed in these songs is such a contrast to the Bible’s description of sex. In the Old Testament, the Hebrew word used to describe sexual intimacy between husband and wife is yada. The first time it is used is in Genesis 4:1a: “Now Adam knew Eve his wife” (ESV). However, yada refers to more than just sex. It can mean to “know deeply or intimately”. Interestingly, yada is often found not in reference to sex, but to describe closeness with God (e.g. Psalm 139, where it is used five times with this meaning!).

While pop songs may spread the message that sex is just about physical satisfaction, this can’t be further from the truth. In the right context of marriage, to know your partner through sex is a truly intimate act, connecting with that person emotionally, physically, spiritually, and more. Let me (Shi Yun) just say this from a newlywed woman’s point of view. It’s definitely not just about pleasure. It takes commitment and a lot of sacrificial giving! The sex portrayed in pop songs is often selfish and cheap, and sadly that sells us short of the beauty of sex God created for marriage.

TO KNOW YOUR PARTNER THROUGH SEX IS A TRULY INTIMATE ACT

LIE 2: SEX "SHOWS THAT YOU LOVE HIM"

A really popular song when I (Isabel) was a teen was More Than Words by Extreme. It was considered a sweet, romantic ballad that people often used at weddings. Yet a closer look at the lyrics revealed something scary!

“Saying I love you/ Is not the words I want to hear from you/…How easy would it be to show me how you feel/ More than words is all you have to do to make it real/ Then you wouldn’t have to say that you love me/ Cause I’d already know.”

What the song implies is that words are not enough — sex is necessary to prove that love is real. That song was written in 1990, and things have only gotten more explicit.

In James Arthur’s Naked (yep, that’s actually the title), he sings,

“If you ever want me back, then your walls need breakin’ down
I’m trying’ to make it clear getting half of you just ain’t enough …
I’m standing here naked.”

What?!

Personally, I (Shi Yun) can’t help but get so angry listening to these lyrics, because they pressure girls into proving their love with their bodies. It also breaks my heart thinking about girls who could potentially believe that sex is the only way to prove their love. Let’s set the record straight: sexual intercourse on its own does not prove love. If it were, then no Disney love story can remain PG-rated.

Girls, we say this to you in all seriousness, with a heavy heart: If any guy tells you that sex is necessary to show that you love him, hard as it is, it’s time to ditch him. A guy who does not respect you and God is not worth investing more time into. You’re truly worth more than that.

LIE 3: SEX IS "PARADISE"

In our world today, sex is often painted to be this amazing thing. It’s apparently soooo good that almost every good thing is compared to sex as THE standard of how good it feels! When I (Isabel) was still in school, I remember the boys in my class using sex as a synonym for something that feels so good, it can only be compared to sex. They’d say things like, “Oh man, this is so good it’s better than sex,” or “Her voice is so smooth, I’m having an ‘eargasm’!”

If sex is all that good, surely we must be missing out by not having it, right? What are we Christians waiting for?!

But… believing that sex is the best thing that could ever happen to you and making it the standard of what’s “good” and most pleasurable is so short sighted! The most interesting imagery about this from a song is when Bruno Mars sings, “Cause your sex takes me to paradise / Yeah, your sex takes me to paradise.” Sex to him is so good that, in his eyes, it’s literally heaven, but really, how far has it fallen short of where we will truly experience full goodness and eternal satisfaction, the real Paradise that awaits us, where there will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, where we live eternally with Jesus, and no curse is upon us anymore (Rev21:4–7;22:3–7)!

Sex may feel good, but surely it can’t be all we desire or crave. We have been offered salvation by a holy God! So you know what? He is literally the One who will take us to paradise.

IF SEX IS ALL THAT GOOD, SURELY WE MUST BE MISSING OUT BY NOT HAVING IT, RIGHT? WHAT ARE WE CHRISTIANS WAITING FOR?!

MOVING FORWARD

It’s easy to groove along to pop songs but never think about how they influence your thoughts. I (Shi Yun) used to be that way, but the moment that changed my mind was when I found myself singing along to Meghan Trainor’s Title: “Baby don’t call me your friend / If I hear that word again / You might never get a chance to see me naked in your bed.”

I caught myself in the moment and thought, “But I’d NEVER say that in any context, and NO man is going to see me naked in his bed unless he’s my husband. So why am I singing this??” It dawned on me that the words I listened to and inevitably spoke out loud really contradicted my beliefs. In singing along, I was subtly being influenced to have a casual view of sex — a view that I didn’t believe in!

We challenge you to take time to examine some of the song lyrics you listen to. Maybe you need to stop listening and singing along to them. Perhaps you’ve believed some of the lies we’ve mentioned above. Whatever it is, allow the Bible to shape your beliefs about sex and sexuality, and put aside these dangerously sexy songs.

“Have We Gone Too Far?” Talking Boundaries With Your Boyfriend

Quek Shi Yun — Wed, 13 Nov 2019 16:23:00 +0000

My phone screen lit up as a text came in.

“I need to talk to you. I have a confession to make.”

It was one of my best friends, and the urgency of her message surprised me. I quickly responded, and soon enough, a story poured out — one I didn’t expect. This friend, who loves Jesus and has dedicated much of her life to serving and loving Him, had crossed a line she hadn’t expected to with her boyfriend. Through a series of circumstances, they had fallen into an unhealthy habit of indulging in intimate acts, always stopping short of actually having sexual intercourse, but going much further than either of them had ever planned.

FLAMES OF DESIRE

It’s often tempting to look at this in a self-righteous manner, shaking your head as you wonder how a Christian couple could find themselves in such a situation. But this isn’t the first couple who’s fallen into sexual sin, and they certainly won’t be the last. Unless you’ve experienced the flames of desire yourself, it is difficult to fully understand what is needed to resist temptation and choose to honour God in these decisions.

I remember the early days of dating, when just staring into my then-boyfriend, now-husband Josh’s eyes made me feel like swooning, and even the slight brushing of hands could send my heart into overdrive. Yet after a few months, neither of those things were particularly stimulating or exciting. They were nice, but stopped being special. The same happened with holding hands, hugging, and me leaning on his shoulder. Every single time, the buzz would wear off, and soon, it felt like we needed something more to experience that level of intimacy again.

My mind started to drift as I wondered if it would be so bad if we started kissing, or if we were to lie down together on the sofa, or if we were to be alone at home. The intense desire I had for more physical intimacy was so overwhelming at times!

What helped us both immensely was the fact that we had had very open and honest conversations about our desire to honour God in our relationship, and how we wanted to go about it. A few months into our relationship, Josh and I sat down for a talk that lasted a few hours, outlining our convictions about boundaries in dating, how we formed them, and what we believed was necessary for us to do in order to keep them.

Was it awkward? Yes! But as our relationship progressed and the complexities of our desires changed, I was so glad we had already talked about it before. There came moments when either of us wanted to make a move but didn’t, because we wanted to honour each other and our commitments to God, and help each other to do so.

REMEMBER, IT'S NOT JUST ABOUT AVOIDING PARTICULAR ACTIONS LIKE KISSING OR NOT HAVING SEX BECAUSE YOU FEEL IT'S THE "CHRISTIAN" THING TO DO.

IT'S TIME FOR THE TALK

Perhaps you are in a relationship and are struggling in the area of physical intimacy. Maybe you don’t find it a problem at all at the moment. Either way, it will be beneficial to talk through some boundaries with your boyfriend if you are serious about your commitments to God. Here’s how you can get started:

1. Have a game plan

Before talking with your boyfriend, take some time to pray and ask God about the boundaries you should set in order to honour Him with your body (1 Cor 6:19–20). Remember, it’s not just about avoiding particular actions like kissing or having sex because you feel like it’s the “Christian thing to do”, but about ensuring that you have a clear conscience before the Lord (Heb 13:18). Be honest about the specific struggles you face in sexual purity, and think about the levels of intimacy you should avoid in order not to fall into temptation.

IF YOU'VE ALREADY GONE FURTHER THAN YOU WANT TO AND FEEL LIKE THERE'S NO GOING BACK, YOU COULDN'T BE MORE WRONG.

2. Gather your courage, and just do it!

Intentionally set aside some time to talk through each of your convictions about sexual morality, and your desired boundaries. Don’t just talk about the actions you want to avoid though! Give each other time to share why you believe sexual purity matters, and your beliefs about what “purity” is to begin with. Talk through the specifics about how you are going to keep these boundaries, such as by not going to each other’s home when no one else is there, or only doing in private what you would be willing to do in public. Agree to respect the boundary that is “stricter” and to avoid pushing each other to do things that might cause discomfort.

3. Keep the conversation going

Don’t assume that just because you’ve had the conversation once, you’re done. As you proceed in the relationship, you may find that there are things that come to your attention that you didn’t know would be an issue for you. Revisit the boundaries you have decided on together; you may have to come up with new ones as different scenarios come up.

4. Get external input

Share the boundaries you have agreed on with a person of authority, such as a leader, pastor or even your parents, and get them to hold you accountable. It would be best if they are married, as they would be able to provide perspective on what it is like to go through the range of emotions, temptations and struggles from the time of dating, to engagement, and finally marriage. Be humble and listen to advice you may not agree with. Constantly ask the Holy Spirit to speak to you and your boyfriend personally and convict your hearts in a similar fashion.

TOO FAR GONE?

If you’ve already gone further than you want to and feel like there’s no going back, you couldn’t be more wrong. Our God readily forgives as long as our hearts are repentant and ready to change (1 John 1:9). It may not be easy, but many couples have been able to stop indulging in sexual intimacy before marriage with the help of the Holy Spirit.

After my friend confessed what she and her boyfriend had done, they took practical and meaningful steps toward righting their wrongs and making sure what happened didn’t happen again. They established new boundaries that they have since kept, though not without some difficulty. They involved their pastors and leaders, and have even taken the brave step of going through counselling as a couple in order to forgive themselves, and each other, for leading each other into sin.

To me, that is a beautiful picture of a Christian couple acknowledging the grace of God and working together to live in a way that pleases Him in spite of their initial failings. None of us are ever too far gone for God’s grace!

To those of you who have not done so, I urge you to consider the value of forming your own boundaries and talking it through with your boyfriend. After all, it is never an accident when a couple “suddenly” finds themselves in a position that they never intended — it is almost always a series of conscious decisions to keep going even when their consciences are pricked. The devil is constantly working to tempt and ensnare us; he won’t succeed if we resist and stand firm in the faith together (1 Pet 5:8–9).