Beauty – Kallos

“Having Scoliosis Made Me Feel Different.”

Quek Shi Yun — Wed, 01 Jun 2022 05:24:00 +0000

As a teen, being diagnosed with scoliosis always made QUEK SHI YUN feel ugly and different. She shares her story of how her insecurity changed into a quiet confidence in Christ.

It all started with a routine health checkup in school when I was 13. I was told to bend over and touch my toes while a measuring device was placed on my back. The nurse scribbled a note in my health booklet, and I was given an appointment letter for a follow up check at a hospital.

The diagnosis was mild scoliosis, a sideways curvature of the spine. Six months later, the curve had increased so drastically that they recommended surgery to correct it. Metal pins and rods needed to be inserted permanently around my spine, which would cause major scarring on my back. The podiatrist (foot doctor) also revealed that my legs were of different lengths, my hips were uneven, and I had flatfeet. I remember lying in bed in tears that night, asking God why He made me so imperfectly.

My parents and I eventually decided against the surgery, but scoliosis continued to define most of my teenage years and impact on my self-esteem. The curvature in my spine meant that I walked “funny,” and often stood on one foot to balance my weight more comfortably. A classmate dubbed me a ‘flamingo’ because of that. My back would hurt under the weight of my schoolbag, I had difficulties running long distances during Physical Education classes, and sitting for long hours was a literal pain. One day, my crush even pointed out that one of my shoulders was higher than the other, and that it looked “weird.”

Throughout those years, I battled insecurity. I thought that my body was deformed and ugly, and even if I could look past how my body looked, the physical discomforts were a daily reminder of what was wrong with my body.

I don’t remember a definitive moment when my outlook changed and my self-esteem improved. Rather, it was a slow but steady journey of accepting that while my body is imperfect, it doesn’t make me any less loved by God. He didn’t get distracted while making me and forgot to give me a straight spine. It wasn’t a punishment for past sin. No! In the midst of brokenness about my bent body, God assured me of my identity in Him. In fact, Psalm 56:8 showed me that God “keeps track of my sorrows,” and the tears I shed were seen by Him. Through His word, He told me that I was deeply loved and accepted, and that He empathised with my suffering.

These days, the usual aches and pains still bother me. Things haven’t improved — if anything, it’s gotten worse with age. Yet they no longer make me feel different or unloved, because I am secure in God’s love and how He has made me.

“I was a slave to my weighing scale.”

Kallos Team — Fri, 01 Apr 2022 04:53:00 +0000

I was always an active person growing up. I loved sports, I took part in many sporting events in school, and even did Taekwondo for a short while. I never really cared about my looks, and I was at a healthy weight.

After secondary school, I went to the Institute of Technical Education (ITE). I exercised a lot less, and it soon became evident that I was gaining weight. Stressed out by all of my projects and assignments, I started stress eating. I wouldn’t say that I had an eating disorder, but I definitely did not have a great relationship with food.

Within three years, I put on 10kg, and hit the ‘overweight’ range. It really felt like I was at my lowest. I would refuse to meet my friends when they invited me out because I didn’t want to be seen. Sometimes my friends would joke that I had gotten chubby and fat. Little did they know that I would go home and cry over their words. I started to starve myself, eating only one meal (about 800 calories) a day and simply drinking water to stave off the hunger. I kept a weighing scale in my bedroom, and I would weigh myself three to six times a day. On days when I snuck in a snack, I would have intrusive thoughts that I should either induce myself to vomit it out or exercise to burn the calories. I felt trapped, like a slave to my weighing scale. It felt as though I could only be happy when the numbers on the scale went down, yet even when it did, I didn’t feel fulfilled.

It took a long time to rebuild my confidence and self-esteem. During this phase, my best friend noticed that I was abusing myself through starvation, and allowing the weighing scale to define my beauty and self-worth. She introduced me to the song ‘My Confidence’ by Iron Bell. It speaks of how our confidence is anchored in Christ, and because He is our firm foundation, we are not shaken by the storms of life.

This didn’t mean that I should have just stayed at the weight I was. First Corinthians 6:19–20 says that since our bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, we need to honour God with them. While this includes our soul, mind, and spirit, it especially resonated with me in terms of needing to care for my physical body in order to honour God with it. Think of it this way: if you booked a hotel room for the night but the room is filled with filth and dirt, would you still choose to stay? Or would you ask for a better room, or perhaps go to another hotel that is cleaner? If my body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, I would want my body to be clean and of good condition for the Holy Spirit not to only have a visitation, but to dwell in me.

I have learned that I need to take care of this body that God has blessed me with, and to do that, I need to have the right motivation for eating healthily and losing the unhealthy pounds. I should not want to lose weight just to look good; instead, I should do it so that my body is healthy, and I can use it to do all that God has called me to.

Finding your identity in God may be a long journey, but it is one worth going on. I believe that we are all more than just our appearance. Let your confidence be grounded in Christ, for after all, we are created in His image and, indeed, He is beautiful.

The Other Woman

Kallos Team — Tue, 01 Mar 2022 15:05:00 +0000

Strength and dignity are her clothing, and she laughs at the time to come. She opens her mouth with wisdom, and the teaching of kindness is on her tongue. (Proverbs 31:25–26)

I was asked at 12 years old, why my body didn’t resemble those of other girls my age. That was the beginning of the slow fracturing of my self-image. And over the next two decades, I lived in the shadow of this mental picture I had of feminine perfection – one I came to call the “Other Woman”.

In 2019, the year I turned 30, Kallos featured me on their cover as one of the founding members of the faith-based publication Thir.st. Any excitement I felt came to a sharp end, however, the day I saw the chosen photo from our shoot. And the thought of thousands of girls seeing me and my body, uglier than I had ever expected it to look, crushed me.

Soon after the issue was released, a friend of a friend asked me out for dinner. Her name was See Ting, or Seets for short. I only knew her then as the girl with alopecia, which had caused her to lose most of her hair by her early twenties. After the meal, having heard her heart for young women who struggled with their self-worth as she did, I connected her with Kallos.

Seets went on to be the next Kallos cover story. But just as the issue was headed to print, she discovered that she had an aggressive form of breast cancer at only 26 years old. This time, I reached out. We sat together on her bedroom floor, with the wig she usually wore left aside. She shared, in jest, that she didn’t have to fear losing her hair to chemotherapy because she had been bald for so long, and that she trusted God with her life.

This grace-filled confidence that Seets walked in was what the Lord used to change me profoundly throughout our brief but deep friendship. With that grace, she confronted my dislike for my body, the way she had been confronted all those years ago with alopecia. She declared her love for everything I was, even if I couldn’t. When I suddenly developed Bell’s palsy and wrestled with having half my face frozen in paralysis, she sat with me and prayed over me as I came to a new place of surrender of my own beauty and self-worth to God.

For so long, women have been pitted against each other, compared and ranked until competition becomes second nature. In the Bible, there is Rachel and Leah, and Mary and Martha. And then there is me and all the other girls I failed to look like. But through Seets, I found my self-worth not eclipsed by this Other Woman, but empowered by her love for me. My beauty was not devalued but redeemed by her beauty — her kindness, her wisdom, her strength and dignity. The beauty described in Proverbs 31:25-26 that culminates in the fear of the Lord being the most praiseworthy of all (v30).

It’s easy to read about the “excellent wife” described in Proverb 31:10–31 and see her as just another woman who’s got it all, instead of a personified combination of all the qualities that a wise person of God would have. She is not here to shackle us further but free us from the lies and empty pursuits keeping us sisters in chains. From starving ourselves or emptying our pockets for fashion (v25). From trying to outdo each other with how charming or beautiful we can be (v30).

Up until her passing in February 2021, Seets never used her wig again. Instead, she wore her lack of hair like a crown, calling forth a generation of women to do so with their own perceived lacking. She did not resemble other girls our age, but she looked and loved so much like Jesus to me.

JONK’S JOURNALS

A PRAYER
Dear Heavenly Father, You know the pain and insecurities about myself that I’ve carried in my heart through the years. Show me how You see each of us, that I may love myself and others the way You do. I desire beauty the way You define it. Amen.

JOURNAL THIS!
1. How do you see yourself in light of other girls? What are things you believe about yourself that may not align with how God sees you?

2. Have a conversation with the Lord. What is He saying to you? What does He want to heal and redeem for you? Who could He be bringing alongside to journey with you?

KNOW THE WORD
Allow the Holy Spirit to illuminate His truths on godly friendship in these passages:
– Ruth 1:16-18
– Luke 1:39-45
– Ecclesiastes 4:9-11

AFTERTHOUGHTS
Check out Seets’s Kallos story here.

And my own paraphrase of Proverb 31 here.

Starving for Approval

Kallos Team — Mon, 01 Nov 2021 08:06:00 +0000

Wide-eyed, I stepped into my new school. It was the beginning of the promising course I hoped to chart for myself. After all, being able to get into a top junior college surely meant that there was a bright future for me — all I had to do was grasp it.

I thought I would cruise through junior college just like secondary school. Little did I know that up against some of the most brilliant minds, I would barely hold a candle to my peers. I performed poorly in both my academics and my co-curricular activity (CCA), failing to meet the expectations I had for myself. With each blow to my self-esteem, my dreams of success started to fall apart, and I could barely hold myself together. I felt increasingly insecure and compared every part of myself to others. There was no place for me even though I gave my all. I started to shrink and withdraw from people, because I was acutely aware of my shortcomings and was consumed by envy and jealousy toward my outstanding peers.

STARTING TO SHRINK
As I was eaten up by my belief that I was a total failure, I started losing my appetite. I saw my weight drop and my body change. At the same time, as people complimented me on my weight loss, I started to find my identity in superficial beauty. Shortly after, I became obsessed with eating as little as possible, as I thought, “If I cannot do well in my studies and in my CCA, I shall go on a strict diet because this is an outcome I can control.” Within two months, I lost 10 kg.

A VISIT TO THE DOCTOR FOR GASTRIC PROBLEMS REVEALED THAT I WAS ACTUALLY ANOREXIC.

Although I was skinny like I wanted to be, my hair was falling out, my period stopped, and I was constantly on the verge of tears. Mealtimes that were once filled with joy were now a significant cause of stress. I felt so lonely in school, yet could not relate well to others because I was harbouring bitter envy toward my peers and wanted to continue my obsessive behaviour of restricting calories despite their genuine concern for me. Worldly success, in the form of perfect grades, talents, and superficial beauty, was all that consumed my mind in every waking moment. Eventually, a visit to the doctor for gastric problems revealed that I was actually anorexic.

LOOKING DEEPER WITHIN
After a few months of battling with this eating disorder, I slowly started to realise that as the desire for worldly success had ruled my soul, God was no longer my master. This inner desire reared its ugly head in the form of an eating disorder, but the root problem was ultimately my ungodly appetite for the approval of man. Thus began a long journey of correcting my beliefs, and God was gracious to send many wiser women to speak truths into my life. As I became more aware of my sinful rebellion against God for idolising superficial beauty and neglecting my friends and family, I started to repent and seek God’s design for success.

GOD’S IDEA OF A LIFE WELL-LIVED IS TOTALLY DIFFERENT FROM THE WORLD’S DEFINITION.

UNDERSTANDING GOD’S DESIGN
As I began to understand God’s definition of success through His Word, I was convicted that my idea of success had to change. In fact, God’s idea of a life well-lived is totally different from the world’s definition. In our Lord Jesus, I see that God values a humble heart that serves others rather than one which competes for self-glory. Jesus came not to be served, but to serve, and to become a ransom for many (Mark 10:45). In Philippians 2:5–8, Paul exhorts us in this way:

Have this mind among yourselves, which is yours in Christ Jesus, who, though he was in the form of God, did not count equality with God a thing to be grasped, but emptied himself, by taking the form of a servant, being born in the likeness of men. And being found in human form, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross. (ESV; emphasis mine)

Looking to the supreme example of the perfect human, Jesus, I was convicted that a life spent chasing accolades and pursuing a worldly form of beauty would be meaningless. Instead of elevating the self, God calls us to be humble servants. There is great peace when we live by God’s design, and place our trust in God’s sovereignty and providence instead of taking pride in worldly achievements.

LIVING A CHANGED LIFE
In God’s mercy and grace, He shifted my perspectives to mirror His own. In the past, I scrambled to meet everyone’s definition of success for me, leading to my obsessive pursuit of the perfect figure and straight As. However, I now recognise that only living wholly unto the Lord matters as He has the final word over my life. This revelation released me from the once insatiable desire for man’s approval in my successes. Consequently, my self-esteem has greatly improved as I grew to root my identity in God’s steadfast love for me.

I THANK GOD FOR REDEEMING ME FROM A FRUITLESS WAY OF LIFE

During my recovery, I was also plugged into a community that valued caring for the vulnerable, which challenged me to focus on the needs of others above my own worldly success. As I actively engaged with hidden communities (people with special needs, migrants, and disadvantaged women and children), I saw that I was living in a bubble, obsessing over transient beauty and individual achievements while neglecting the more important task of loving my neighbour. Rather than spending all my energy on building up my own ‘palace,’ I have the privilege of advancing the kingdom of God and bringing the hope of His gospel to the lost!

I thank God for redeeming me from a fruitless way of life (1 John 2:15–17).

A TIME TO REFLECT
When we meet God face-to-face, even the most ‘successful’ person will not be able to justify himself through his accolades. Although I once starved myself for approval and chased after worldly success, doing so is futile, as all of us are foolish sinners before God regardless of our social standing on earth. With joy, I now sing that there is nothing I can boast in except my sinfulness, as my weak self displays the power of God’s grace.

Ecclesiastes 12:13 states, “The end of the matter; all has been heard. Fear God and keep his commandments, for this is the whole duty of man” (ESV). If you are struggling with your body image, I encourage you to ask God to reveal the root issues of your heart. It may stem from a desire to cover up a deeper insecurity, or it could be a sinful craving for the admiration of man. Either way, God is more than able to change your heart if you would give Him space to speak through His unchanging Word. I would also encourage you to humbly seek counsel from spiritual mentors. May we set aside time to reassess our values and the trajectory of our lives, so that we build our lives on the Solid Rock instead of sinking sand.

Who am I? 3 Things God says about you

Amber Ginter — Mon, 01 Nov 2021 06:55:00 +0000

Since I was 14 years old, I’ve struggled to know who I am and who God has called me to be. Like a stranger in someone else’s skin, I’ve felt uncomfortable in this body called my own. Though I didn’t inherently start out hating my body, I started limiting my food intake and exercising excessively to gain the ‘perfect’ body, falling into an eating disorder that I could not control. This unhealthy obsession with how I looked fed me lies that starved my soul.

Seven years into my struggle, aged 21, this painful discomfort was resting deep in my bones. But the more I tried to change my external body, the heavier I felt on the inside. I believed that if I made my physical self socially acceptable, I would gain friends. But begging for friendships in this way doesn’t end in genuine relationships — it compromises who we are. In those years, I traded the truth of His words for several lies. I stayed in patterns of sin that I thought would make me accept myself, but really only left me with an unhelpful idol called borderline anorexia and orthorexia (an unhealthy or obsessive focus on eating in a healthy way). In place of the happiness I was seeking, I received a mental disorder as a coping mechanism for control.

THIS UNHEALTHY OBSESSION WITH HOW I LOOKED FED ME LIES THAT STARVED MY SOUL.

Now having recovered at 25, I realise that my issues were not merely from a mental disorder, but problems with core beliefs about who God says I am versus who I believed I was. I had boiled my self-worth down to an image in the mirror when Christ calls me to eternal beauty that never fades. I want to encourage you with three truths of who you are according to God’s Word, so that you’re well-equipped to identify the lies you are told about who you aren’t.

I HAD BOILED MY SELF-WORTH DOWN TO AN IMAGE IN THE MIRROR

1. God says I am redeemed by Christ and not defined by my past, present, or future sins.
As I began to recover from my eating disorder and obsession with health, I had to reject who Satan had convinced me I was: an imperfect person who would never measure up. As my self-esteem plummeted, even though I knew that I was redeemed by the blood of Christ, I struggled to believe that God would be able to see me as a new creation who is forgiven of her sins (2 Cor 5:17; Eph 1:7). My past cast a shadow over my life in Christ.

Satan lies that I would never be good enough, but God says that in Christ, I am. In fact, Psalm 139:13–16 reminds me that I am fearfully and wonderfully made (v. 14)! Rejecting the devil’s lies helped me to see that I am of the utmost value to God because He loves me (John 3:16; Gal 2:20). All have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God (Rom 3:23), but because of His grace (Rom 3:24), we are forgiven and no longer bound by that sin (Rom 8:1–2; 2 Cor 5:21).

2. God says I can be healed of my sins, and I don’t have to keep them hidden.
In the thick of my addictions, I had a distorted view of who God created me to be. Facing my faulty image in the mirror, all I saw were my imperfections or reminders of why I’d never be enough to make up for how I’d harmed myself during my struggles. The enemy got me to believe that if I hid my sins even from myself, they would magically go away. I did not understand why I was a slave to these unhealthy mindsets and eating disorders, yet I sensed they were wrong and sinful. But healing doesn’t come when you conceal your sins — it comes when you bring them into the light.

James 5:16 tells us that confessing our sins to one another opens the door to healing. That’s exactly why the enemy would want you to keep your struggles behind closed doors — you are shutting off the possibility of resolving them soon. When we bring to light the lies of the enemy, it becomes much easier to dispel them with the truth.

3. God says I don’t have to be perfect to be loved and have worth.
I am a self-professed perfectionist, and I used to define perfection as having the best body, a perfect G.P.A., and having control over every aspect of my life. I even believed that God saw my value based on how much I served Him. But sisters, this thinking is not only flawed but destructive.

To be perfect as our Heavenly Father is perfect (Matt 5:48) has nothing to do with worldly views of perfection, but everything to do with Christ. When Christ calls us to His standards, that means being empowered by the Holy Spirit to endeavor to live a godly life as Jesus did. However, by our own strength, none of us can be fully righteous (Rom 3:10, 20). It is only through faith in Jesus that we are able to be counted as acceptable in God’s eyes (Rom 3:22–24).

IT IS INCREDIBLY FREEING TO KNOW THAT THERE IS NOTHING I CAN DO TO BE ‘PERFECT’

Even today, I still have trouble understanding that our Heavenly Father’s perfection is something we are called to reach for but can never attain. At the same time, it is incredibly freeing to know that there is nothing I can do to be ‘perfect’. Instead, the beautiful thing is that Christ’s finished work on the Cross tells me that I am already loved and have worth — and that has nothing to do with my efforts.

We may be ugly, messy sinners, but Christ already died for you and me, just as we are (Rom 5:8).

DO YOU MEASURE UP?
When we believe these truths from God’s Word — that we are redeemed by Christ, can be healed of our sins by facing them, and don’t need to be perfect to be loved, something about how we see ourselves begins to change. When we look into the mirror, we won’t see a flawed, sinful being without hope. We will see someone worthy and redeemed in His eyes, not because of who we say we are, but who He declares us to be as new creations in Christ.

Remember, Satan prowls around like a hungry lion ready to kill, steal, and destroy, but Christ came to give life to the fullest (John 10:10; 1 Pet 5:8). Instead of feeding yourself with lies, fill yourself with the life- giving truths of God’s Word.

I Never Thought I Could Eat Without Guilt

Chloe Quek — Wed, 01 Sep 2021 03:02:00 +0000

When I became a Christian at 19, I was not sure who God was and what I was seeking. At the same time, I was struggling with my weight and had problems eating proper meals. I became lost and depressed as I struggled with my body image, and was also not doing well in school. All this led me to have a sense of inferiority, and being able to control my weight was something that gave me satisfaction.

Even though I did not get medically diagnosed with an eating disorder, I was aware that I had one. My period had stopped for several months, and I was losing a lot of hair daily due to the lack of nutrients. I knew I needed to recover, but re-learning how to eat was arduous. For some time after deciding that I needed to recover, I still wanted to be in control — I only wanted to gain a certain amount of weight. Even while seeking recovery, I continued to feel sure that I would have to live with this eating disorder for my entire life, unable to enjoy a proper meal without feeling guilt.

Despite such feelings, I attended church services and cell group occasionally. The sermons and sharing during the cell group were helpful and worship was especially powerful for me. Many of the songs we sang resonated with me and unexpectedly brought me to tears.

At this point, I took time almost every day to write down a prayer to the Lord. Folding the prayers into neat little envelopes, I prayed that He would take away my feelings of guilt every time I ate, and the urge to vomit out what I had already eaten. Slowly, I let go of my desire to control my weight, and let God carry out His plans for me.

It was not easy, as I struggled whenever I weighed myself and saw the number rising. I gained back a total of 12 kg, which brought me back to a healthy weight. Eventually, I found myself not planning my meals in advance and willingly going on supper runs with the cell group! It was a lightbulb moment, as if God had turned on a switch in my brain that made me realise that life is so much more than what I eat and how I looked. Miraculously, I was enjoying eating again. Even more miraculously, the weight I gained was the exact number I wanted to gain at the start of my recovery journey, and it happened without me needing to obsess over the numbers. I thought to myself, if God didn’t have a hand in this, what else could it be?

Being free of my eating disorder after about four years has given me a new lease of life. I am able to focus on God and others around me instead of worrying about my weight or how much I am eating. God has healed me of the insecurity of needing validation from society. As my identity in Christ deepens, I feel assured of the love He has for me and that He is sufficient.

NOT GONNA LIE – SYFC X KALLOS Conference

Quek Shiwei — Thu, 26 Nov 2020 01:10:00 +0000

This September, the #NGL Conference set out to unravel truths behind obsessive behaviours. We bring you the highlights from each session on how these women broke free from their obsessions.

FREEDOM FROM #FOMO ON SOCIAL MEDIA
Kallos: I (Doro) used to check my phone frequently whenever I posted a photo on Instagram. There was a need to know who liked and commented on my posts; it felt like a “stamp of approval” of my worth. Spending time consuming content online also left me jaded and envious. To actively change my habits, I swapped the position of my social media apps with something wholesome (news app, Bible app, etc.), set aside a fixed and limited time for social media, and set an in-app timer on my Instagram account to remind me that time spent on the app was up. We encourage you to go on a digital detox. The act of physically leaving your phone at home periodically in the day can be refreshing for your mind! We also challenge you to cultivate mind spaces to reflect in solitude or pursue healthy hobbies.

GRADES AND SUCCESS DO NOT DEFINE YOU
Liane Lim: I was once a delinquent student. I eventually started putting in effort in my studies and eventually, I did well enough for my poly exams to get shortlisted for law school. I was so excited when I started work. The feeling of not being academically-inclined previously but realising that I was good at my job slowly made me addicted to work and the pursuit of success.

When I became a Christian in the midst of my career, knowing that grades and success do not define me freed me from the constant pursuit of success. I had to continually seek God’s help to check my heart and refine me. Being accountable to trusted community to point out my blind spots helped too. Remember this — humility and lowliness is better than great results with much pride.

GOD’S LOVE > LOVE FROM MEN
Jennifer Heng: In the past, I have been with many boyfriends and I was sexually active with them. While I was a serial dater, I was not obsessed with romance per se. I was obsessed with wanting to feel loved! So, I dated anyone who said he loved me or showed affection towards me. I believed that romance could fill that hole in my heart. Yet, at the end of the day, that need was still not met.

It was only when I came to know God that I made my greatest discovery — only God can meet my need! Breaking free came easy. It was only after knowing God, that the deep need in my heart to be loved was met.

SEXUAL TEMPTATION HAS NO POWER OVER YOU
Noelle Wee: I struggled with masturbation as a teen and could not understand how I could be pure until I learnt that it is a battlefield of the mind; I must fight! Temptation actually has no power over us; it only has the power we give it. So I started to “de-power” it.

Whenever I came across sexual material that triggered sexual thoughts, I said this OUT LOUD: “… we take every thought captive and make it obedient to Christ” (2 Cor 10:5). Then, I started practicing what Philippians 4:8 said (“… whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable — if anything is excellent or praiseworthy — think about such things”) and learnt to replace my thoughts with the word of God. Repeat these positive practices until it takes root in your life, and dare to ask for help!

WHEN PRETTY HURTS
Josephine Lam: Since I was a little girl, I was very concerned about how I looked. I always felt that I needed to look beautiful in order for people to like me. When I got to high school, I became so obsessed that instead of a pencil case, I would have a mirror in front of me in class!

The number one “makeover” of my life was the journey God took me on to find my true identity. True beauty comes from knowing who you are in Christ and I can’t tell you how valuable this is — knowing that I don’t need to compete with others when there’s a beauty that outlasts age, diets, and our clothes. It’s a beauty that comes from within and from having a relationship with the true living God. I realised that when we get obsessed with our physical beauty, we end up not growing our godly beauty. At the end of the day, there’s a hole in our hearts that only God can truly and completely fill — not these counterfeits!

What If God Made Me Pretty?

Agnes Lee — Wed, 13 May 2020 14:33:00 +0000

I am short, stocky, and average-looking.

Though I knew it was more important to be healthy than pretty, I wanted to be tall, pretty, and slim like my Barbie dolls and the lead actresses on TV.

So, around the age of 18, I decided that I wanted to change my appearance. Instead of my usual t-shirts and jeans, I started dressing more fashionably, wearing accessories, hats, and jackets. I also started wearing make-up whenever I went out. However, make-up could only cover my flaws, not change them.

In my early 20s, I met with an aesthetic doctor to talk about possible procedures to enhance my facial features. But after considering the risks and regular Botox injections required, I shelved the idea. Aside from changing my looks, I also wanted to change my body shape, but the doctor could not suggest any procedure that I was comfortable with.

On top of wishing that I were more attractive, I secretly wished to have a boyfriend. Many of the girls in school who had boyfriends were pretty, and I assumed that I did not have one because I was not good-looking. I was also shy and thought that pretty girls were confident, sociable, and popular because of their looks.

I HATED GOD AND FELT THAT HE WAS NOT FAIR. HE MADE SO MANY GIRLS PRETTY BUT NOT ME.

I simply could not understand Psalm 139:14, which says that we are all “fearfully and wonderfully made.” I felt that it did not relate to me. I was upset and told God, “You must be kidding me. If I am really carefully and wonderfully made, I would have been a pretty sweet young lady.”

It was not until I came across Proverbs 31:30 one day during my quiet time that I realized how God was speaking to me. It says, “Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting, but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.”

God is not looking for someone charming or beautiful, but for someone who fears Him. This verse humbled me and made me realize how superficial I had been by focusing only on temporal beauty. God had never condemned me; I was the one who condemned myself because I felt ugly.

Though I still do not know why God made some girls pretty and not others, I know we are safe when we run to Him with our feelings. His word speaks truth to satisfy the void in us. He made each of us exactly the way He meant us to be, in order to fulfill our unique individual calling and purpose.

Now, although I am still tempted to wish for physical beauty whenever I see someone pretty, I remind myself that the world’s definition of beauty is not God’s definition of beauty. I do not need to be pretty to be confident, but my confidence is in God, who assures me that I am perfectly made by Him (Psalm 139:14) and my identity is in Him.

This is adapted from an article originally published on YMI. Adapted and republished with permission.

Spotlight: Tracy Trinita From Supermodel To Pastor

Quek Shiwei — Wed, 29 Mar 2017 16:00:00 +0000

It’s not every day that you get to meet a supermodel! I admit it. I did a double take when I met Tracy Trinita in person. She’s tall, stunningly beautiful, and charming — everything I expected a supermodel to be.

She has appeared regularly in the New York and Paris Fashion Weeks for prestigious labels such as Yves Saint Laurent, Jean Paul Gautier, and Kenzo, and was also a part of a global campaign for Italian brand United Colors of Benetton!

Despite all these modelling accolades, it wasn’t her outer beauty that captivated me most — her godly confidence and desire to be a light for Christ shone even brighter! I left personally inspired by this supermodel turned apologist who loves Jesus and has a great heart for the lost.

Hi Tracy! You became the first Indonesian supermodel and eventually became an international model. How did you get into the modelling world?

I grew up as a girl who had very low self-esteem. I’m quite tall for an Indonesian and I was nicknamed ‘giraffe’, ‘coconut tree’, and ‘giant’ by the people in my village. My mum thought that if I joined modelling, it would increase my self-confidence. The thing is though, I come from a village in Bali in the middle of a rice field and went to a village school. All of a sudden, I won a modelling competition in Jakarta and became ‘Cover Girl Of The Year’ for Mode magazine, Indonesia! That same year, I became the first Indonesian model to win the prestigious Elite Model Look International competition in 1995. My world changed drastically. At 14 years old, I moved to New York to become an international model. That was the beginning of my modelling career.

Many girls dream about appearing on the cover of magazines. What was that like?

The first time I appeared on a magazine cover back in 1995, I remember exclaiming, “Oh my gosh, there’s so many of me!” I was so shy, yet happy at the same time. But now that I am a Christian, I look back and think, “That was great but what did that mean?” I would rather be recognised for my faith in Christ than just a model on a magazine cover.

Besides, models really don’t look the way they look on magazines! Even models wish that they look like models. Funny story: once I saw a model on Elle Magazine with super nice hair and I desired to buy all the hair products she was endorsing. It took me three good looks at the model before realising that … it was actually me! I couldn’t even recognise myself — my hair was thicker and longer, and my face was slimmer. and I was like, “No! I don’t look like this, this is not my hair.” I was fooled by my own photo.

So every time someone tells me “Oh I want to be a model, I want to look like a model” I just tell them, “That’s not real!” And through Instagram, all of us can experience what modelling is like. How many of us use filters? How many of us use all sorts of different apps to edit our photos? How many of us take 30 photos just to upload one perfect photo? It is us, but it’s a perfect photo with the right angles and lighting, but in real life, it’s still just us. We get a glimpse of what the modelling world is like because now we actually become the models on our own page on social media.

You went from being a supermodel to an apologist. How did that happen?

Before I was a model, I was a nobody — my school friends made fun of me, and my teacher was hard on me because I had learning difficulties. However, when I became a model, I went from a ‘nobody’ to a ‘somebody’ overnight. The attention made me think: in order to be somebody, I have to be a model. So I pushed on in modelling, trying to gain more fame and more wealth in order to be happier. I thought that my family would care more about me, that my teachers would be like, super nice to me.

But when I started to work as an international model in New York and Paris, I started to think, “There should be more than this in life.” I just felt emptiness in my heart. It seemed like there was no purpose and no meaning to what I was doing.

I started to discover the Christian faith, and the more I learnt, the more I felt like, “This makes so much sense.” The gospel was shared to me in the simplest language, and it made sense. It was logical, and it patched my heart at the same time. I am in debt to the kindness of all the people who took time to answer my silly, silliest, and stupid questions. And I thought, “You know what, I may not be smart and I may not know much, but with whatever I know, I would like to share that with people too.” And that’s how I got into apologetics!

Was it difficult to leave your career to become an apologist?

It was a tough choice between earning so much money as a model and businesswoman and pursuing apologetics, but when I received a scholarship to study apologetics at the University of Oxford, I knew that it wasn’t by my own strength! I was reminded of Matthew 4 where Jesus gave a call to the fishermen to follow Him and become fishers of men. Immediately, they left their nets to follow Jesus. This scene replayed in my head and I told myself that I wanted to follow Jesus. My decision was reaffirmed when my Visa application got approved in two days when it usually takes three! I knew that I had to let go of what was comfortable to follow the will of God for my life.

Finally, what is your heart for the girls of this generation?

Girls struggle with a great deal of insecurities — I used to have constant thoughts that I was ugly, fat, and not good enough. However, always remember that gratitude brings beauty. Girls, do not waste time dwelling on all your self-conceived curses and insecurities. Instead, open up your mouths to praise God for what you have! Ask the Lord to cleanse your vision of the way you perceive yourself and teach you how to filter the things you see or hear.

Girls have so much power to make an impact in this world with the light we carry within us. My desire is for girls to reveal Christ by loving their neighbours as themselves. Also, instead of spending time dwelling on our insecurities, learn much and share much! Our social media platforms are tools that we can use to post healthy and encouraging words and be a powerful influence to girls who might be struggling in their daily lives. Always remember that everything we do ought to be in the light of Christ and eternity. This life is not our own, but His.