Forgiveness – Kallos

In Acceptance Lieth Peace

Alina Teo — Tue, 30 May 2023 12:10:00 +0000

IN ACCEPTANCE LIETH PEACE: WHAT DOES IT MEAN?

Elisabeth Elliot (1926–2015) was the widow of a martyred missionary, Jim Elliot. With her very young daughter, Valerie, she eventually returned to the Waodani in Ecuador, the very people group who killed her husband, and continued the work of bringing the gospel that he had begun. Hers is a story of forgiveness, hope, and acceptance of the will of God, knowing He is a good and trustworthy God.

She writes in Be Still My Soul: Reflections on Living the Christian Life about six choices that lead to acceptance of the will of God, bringing peace. Elisabeth tells us, “[God] didn’t give me a bridge over troubled waters, but [God] kept the promise that when I passed through the waters, He would be with me …. The one thing that [God] requires of us in response to deep waters is acceptance.”

CHOOSE YOUR ATTITUDE

Christ’s work on the cross made way for a continual exchange of the new for the old. You may not like this current season or circumstance you are facing, but you can choose your heart posture. God exchanges our weakness for His strength. He takes our sins and covers us with His righteousness. He gives us joy in place of sorrow. If you make that choice to trust God’s faithfulness in the joys and pains that happen through life, God can bring you delight even in the darkest moments.

CHOOSE TO OFFER YOUR PAIN TO GOD

Jesus tells us in Matthew 11:28–30, “Come to Me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy and My burden is light.” God wants to share in our pain if we do choose to offer it to Him.

Whether it is pain from a broken relationship, death of someone dear, a disaster that seems totally unfair, or any other pains that you can think of: our God is one who, in Elisabeth’s words, “knows how to bring good out of evil”. We can trust Him with our pain.

If you make that choice to trust God’s faithfulness
in the joys and pains that happen through life,
God can bring you delight even in the darkest moments.

This offering of our pain may have to be done over and over again till we sense that lifting of pain. It is not easy and it may be a slow process. Yet, you are not alone. God can take our rants, frustrations, and laments along the way, and He is in the midst of continually refining us. That is how loving and patient God is with us. Choose to offer your pain to God, that you would find peace.

CHOOSE TO RECEIVE WHAT GOD HAS GIVEN WITH OPEN HANDS

There are things that we cannot change. We can sulk about it, live in regret, and beat ourselves up, or perhaps even do nothing about it. But perhaps, another alternative we can consider is to receive what God has given us with a surrendered heart. As Elisabeth puts it, “It is a willed choice”. With this surrender, we are letting God work in our lives for our good.

CHOOSE TO RENEW YOUR COMMITMENT TO HIM

For one who knew pain, bereavement, and loneliness, Elisabeth encourages us to choose Christ once again, in spite of the emotional state we may be in. Just like the psalmist declares in Psalm 56:3, “When I am afraid, I put my trust in You.” The negative emotions may be present, but we can choose to renew our commitment to Christ and trust in Him.

This offering of our pain may have to be done over and over again
till we sense that lifting of pain.
It is not easy and it may be a slow process. Yet, you are not alone.

CHOOSE TO PRAISE HIM

One of the hardest things to do is to praise when there seems nothing to give thanks for. But we can look at the example of the prophet Habakkuk and how he praised God and rejoiced in Him even when he saw no fruit, no crop and no cattle. Habakkuk declared, “Yet I will rejoice in the LORD, I will be joyful in God my Saviour” (Hab 3:18).

Habakkuk declares God’s awesomeness and glory, reminding himself that God is the sovereign God who is his strength (Hab 3:19). It is not a pretense that we put up, but a quiet confidence and trust, when we know and rejoice that God is who He says He is — our faithful promise keeper.

CHOOSE TO DO THE NEXT THING

In her book, Elisabeth shares a poem by an unknown author that became one of the “mottoes of [her] life”. It goes like this:

From an old English parsonage, down by the sea
There came in the twilight a message to me;
Its quaint Saxon legend, deeply engraven,
Hath, as it seems to me, teaching from Heaven.
And on through the hours the quiet words ring
Like a low inspiration — “DO THE NEXT THING.”

Many a questioning, many a fear,
Many a doubt, hath its quieting here.
Moment by moment, let down from Heaven,
Time, opportunity, guidance, are given.
Fear not tomorrows, Child of the King,
Trust them with Jesus.
“DO THE NEXT THING.”

Do it immediately; do it with prayer;
Do it reliantly, casting all care;
Do it with reverence, tracing His Hand
Who placed it before thee with earnest command.
Stayed on Omnipotence, safe ’neath His wing,
Leave all resultings, “DO THE NEXT THING.”

Looking to Jesus, ever serener,
(Working or suffering) be thy demeanour,
In His dear presence, the rest of His calm,
The light of His countenance be thy psalm,
Strong in His faithfulness, praise and sing,
Then, as He beckons thee
“DO THE NEXT THING.”

When we accept God’s will for our lives and continue to take the next step, do the next thing we know to do, we can be assured that He is with us. The next thing may be to send a text message to a friend where reconciliation needs to take place, or it may be to turn up for church service this Sunday. For others, it may mean choosing not to lie to your parents the next time they ask you something. Whatever the next thing might mean to you, do it as a worship unto God and know that God sees you.

WHAT WOULD YOU CHOOSE TODAY?

“In Acceptance Lieth Peace.” This was the title of a poem by the missionary Amy Carmichael, and a phrase that Elisabeth relied on as well.

Perhaps just as Elisabeth did so many years ago, we too, can make these six choices in our daily life to walk with God, trusting in His faithfulness to be with us in the darkest of times.

My Parents Messed Up. Now What?

Roxane Ng — Sat, 01 May 2021 02:46:00 +0000

“There’s nothing good about her.” That was my mother’s curt reply to a relative who asked her to say a few good things about me. The remark cut like a knife. I had thought that I would be used to such callousness by now, but tears still welled up in my eyes.

Growing up, I’ve had words like “stupid”, “irresponsible”, and “uncaring” carelessly used to describe me. At first, I attempted to reason with my parents, but this only resulted in intense quarrels. There was even once when I walked away from them in the middle of a heated argument … on the way to a relative’s house during Chinese New Year! I ended up going to my best friend’s house instead, and there, I burst into tears, telling her how I felt so misunderstood. When I concluded that nothing I could do would ever be good enough, my efforts to do well in school and please my parents came to a standstill.

Gradually, I developed a new coping mechanism. Every time I was hurt by my parents’ words and behaviour, I would go to my room and withdraw from them. I became resentful of their seeming lack of love for me and found no reason to continue trying to impress them. I was bitter that they favoured my brothers over me and was angry that life was so unfair.

The hurt and pain within me festered and I found it hard to love my family.

Eventually, I stopped caring about them.

SOME THINGS ARE JUST IMPOSSIBLE?

After accepting Christ, it felt like I had found a new and ‘better’ family in the form of the church, my leaders, and friends. My life had a renewed sense of purpose and I thought things were finally looking up!

THE HURT AND PAIN WITHIN ME FESTERED AND I FOUND IT HARD TO LOVE MY FAMILY.

Yet, as I grew in knowledge of the Word, the call to honour my parents as one of the ten commandments gnawed at me. I began to feel an inner conflict between wanting to obey God and holding firm to my belief that respect and honour had to be earned. More importantly, how would I tear down the walls in my heart that I had painstakingly built, and honour these people who had become like strangers living in the same house? I thought, “I just can’t do this!”

During a particular church service on Mother’s Day, the pastor challenged us to send a text message with “I love you, Mum!” to our mothers on the spot. People around me started taking out their phones and typing away, but my heart was so hardened, and I remained unmoved. I couldn’t bring myself to do such a simple act. I wondered if perhaps, there are just some relationships that are too difficult to repair.

EVEN THE BEST PARENTS ARE SINNERS

One day as I was reading the story of Joseph in Genesis 37–50, something intrigued me. Joseph came from a very dysfunctional family. Among other family issues, he was hated by his own brothers, and was eventually sold into slavery by them. This cruel act caused him to face plenty of hardship and injustice all alone in a foreign land. It would have been perfectly understandable if he swore to settle the score or vowed to throw them into a pit someday. Yet, instead of holding on to bitterness in his heart, he saw his situation as a part of God’s redemptive plan (Gen 50:20). I remember being in disbelief at how Joseph responded to his brothers with kindness and generosity when he met them again after 22 years!

The dramatic transformation in Joseph’s family inspired me to begin a journey of processing and understanding what went wrong in my family, and how I could respond to them with kindness and generosity the way Joseph did. I heeded good advice to seek biblical counselling and began to see my parents with fresh eyes.

I’ve heard the saying that family is supposed to be our safe haven. Unfortunately, that’s not always true. Every day in the news, we see stories of parents abusing their children (and vice versa!), siblings taking each other to court … the list goes on. Even the Bible is filled with stories of dysfunctional families and parents who messed up!

There was Abraham who, under Sarah’s influence, chased away his servant Hagar and mother of his own offspring Ishmael; Isaac and Rebekah, who played favourites with their twin sons; Laban, who promised Jacob he could marry his younger daughter Rachel, only to do a bride swap on the wedding day so that his older daughter, Leah, would not be left on the shelf; and many more.

Slowly, I saw that my parents are sinful and broken people who have gone through difficult times of their own too. They were also brought up by flawed human beings and were simply modelling what they had experienced in their own childhoods. In fact, I found out that my maternal grandmother had died when my mother was only 14! Because of my grandmother’s passing, not only was the privilege of attending school taken away from my mum, she also had to quickly grow up and ‘mother’ her younger siblings too. This made me realise that her harsh criticisms of me merely reflected the expectations that were laid on her at a very young age.

I SAW THAT MY PARENTS ARE SINFUL AND BROKEN PEOPLE WHO HAVE GONE THROUGH DIFFICULT TIMES OF THEIR OWN TOO.

My anger and resentment melted away as I chose to focus on the good things my parents had done and the unspoken sacrifices they have made to provide for my needs and more. While I acknowledge that they could have refrained from saying certain damaging words and done some things differently in their parenting journey, I chose to take the first step of obedience to forgive them and see that while their words may have been harsh, their actions showed their love for me in many subtle ways.

GOD’S PLAN

Although the relationship with my parents is still not fully restored, I’ve healed from the emotional wounds of the past and learned to manage my emotions better when they say hurtful things. I’ve realised the importance of continuously forgiving them and learning to see things from their perspective. I’ve also reaped the benefits of setting boundaries; like not talking about sensitive issues which may lead to arguments, and not taking offence at every act of favouritism shown towards my brothers. I used to be troubled by how dysfunctional my family is, but I now know that sin is present everywhere, even in the most harmonious of families.

GOD HAS PLACED ME IN MY FAMILY FOR A BIGGER PURPOSE.

For some of us, the breakdown in our family runs even deeper, perhaps veering into physical and sexual abuse. In those cases, while these lessons of forgiveness are still relevant, we do have to handle the wounds differently — daring to seek help from the necessary people, and not bearing the shame and silence alone.

While a complete reconciliation may take a long time in my family, I know that God wants me not to hold on to bitterness, but to hold on to hope and His promise in Ephesians 6:2–3 that if I honour my father and mother, it will go well with me. Like Joseph who believed that it was not his brothers who sent him to Egypt but God Himself (Gen 45:8), I am beginning to see that God has placed me in my family for a bigger purpose, to be a crucible of grace and a vessel of salvation.

If your family is not the epitome of harmony right now, take heart and hold on to the hope that like Joseph’s broken family who ultimately reunited and grew old together, God’s redemptive plan will be visible in your family as well!

How to Avoid Toxic Friends (And Be a Good One!)

Quek Shiwei — Mon, 01 Mar 2021 14:10:00 +0000

As the saying goes, three’s a crowd. I watched in anxiety as two of my closest friends paired off, leaving me out. For months, the three of us had been caught in a friendship triangle. No longer happy to be the ‘three musketeers’, two of us were now competing to see who would be the chosen ‘best friend’ of our favoured friend. Even as a primary school girl, I had learnt one thing — female friendships can be toxic. I spent hours feeling insecure about my worth and agonising over these friendships.

WHAT ARE FRIENDSHIPS FOR?
Any girl who has had toxic friendships must have wondered, “What is the point of this friendship if it only brings me pain?” I once came across this line by the poet Samuel Taylor Coleridge: “Friendship is a sheltering tree.” The image of a tree providing shade in the heat of life stuck with me. Perhaps friendship, at its best, can be a gift from God.

I then wondered where the idea of friendship came from. We can’t choose our family, classmates, or neighbours, but we can choose our friends. Why would someone willingly enter a relationship that may cause hurt and calls for the giving of time, affection, and effort, but with no guarantee of return? Who came up with this concept? It hit me that God Himself is Friendship. He is the Holy Trinity, three-in-one, God the Father, God the Son, and God the Holy Spirit (John 16–17). In this friendship circle, there is no gossiping, bullying, or manipulation. Rather, the three are mutually self-giving, kind, and respectful. The Holy Spirit is humble and works quietly without jealousy. Jesus is sacrificial, giving His life for others, and submits to the Father out of loyalty. The Father leads with love and authority, never abusing His power. How many of us have friends like that?

THE REALITY OF FRIENDSHIPS
The truth is, many of us may be hard-pressed to think of many true friends. In a survey that Kallos did with 64 young women, we found that more than 80 percent of them have felt lonely at school. Also, many of them identified with statements like these:

“I have done something I didn’t want to because I felt pressured by my friends.”

“I have heard or seen hurtful things being said about me by my friends.”

“I have been (cyber)bullied by a friend.”

If you can identify with these statements too, perhaps you are currently in a toxic friendship. If that is the case, you may need to get out of this unhealthy friendship, hard as it may be. But how do you confirm if you are in a toxic friendship?

These questions may help:
• Do they cheer you on in private and public, or do they backstab you with gossip?
• Do they put their needs before yours, and do they use you for their own gain?
• Do they bully or manipulate you with some kind of weapon (such as a secret, leadership position, or hurtful words)?

If you think you are in a toxic friendship, remember that you deserve to be treated better and to have true friends. You may need to distance yourself from them, unfollow their social media pages, or even block them online. While it is noble to be loyal to your friends and not give up on them, there are times you may have to break off unhealthy friendships so that both of you have time and space to grow as individuals.

WE STAY IN TOXIC FRIENDSHIPS BECAUSE WE DON’T KNOW WHAT GENUINE FRIENDSHIP IS.

Often, we stay in toxic friendships because we don’t know what genuine friendship is. So how do we identify true friends?

WHAT A TRUE FRIEND IS
Long before Taylor Swift and Martin Johnson wrote the song “Two Is Better Than One,” the writer (often called Qoheleth) of Ecclesiastes penned the words that inspired the song as he painted a beautiful picture of what true friendship could be. According to Qoheleth, “two are better than one, because they have a good return for their labour” (Ecc 4:9). With two or more true friends, you can achieve far more than going alone. This is because true friends don’t put down each another or vie for glory as they work as a team. Did you know that Kallos was started by three teenage friends who wanted to do something for the young women in Singapore? Do you have spiritual friends with whom to achieve something for God and His kingdom too? If not, pray and seek out such friends!

On top of that, a true friend picks you up if you fall down (Ecc 4:10). While I was in university, a friend shared a tale of her past relationship, in which she was being pressured to have sex with her boyfriend. Thankfully, before that could happen, her grandfather suddenly entered the house, which caused her to realise the gravity of what she had been about to do. As she confessed her guilt to me, her burden was lifted. Through the years, I have rejoiced with her as she picked up the pieces of her past and found healing through prayer. True friends can pull one up from the pit and help one find hope again.

Qoheleth added that two are better than one because they can keep warm together (Ecc 4:11). When I was in New Zealand with my family, my one-year-old baby girl couldn’t sleep at night unless she cuddled next to me to keep warm. In terms of relationships, many are left out in the cold when they are betrayed or bullied. A true friend keeps you warm by staying close when no one else does.

Finally, true friends defend one another against attacks (Ecc 4:12). We are not always aware that we have an enemy, the devil, who is prowling around like a lion, seeking a chance to attack us in our weakest moments (1 Pet 5:8). For Amanda Teo, who wrote abouther struggles with masturbation in the Kallos book Real Talk: Exposing 10 Myths About Love and Sexuality, it helped to text her friends whenever she needed strength to resist spiritual attacks. Would you be a true friend for someone and be a ‘’sheltering tree’’ for them too?

FINDING THE TRUEST FRIEND
I recall the time I had to adjust to a new class in secondary school. I missed my old friends, who seemed to have found cooler friends. I spent recess time hiding in the toilet, sobbing as I avoided being alone in the canteen.

WHILE I WAS ALONE, I DID NOT NEED TO BE LONELY. JESUS WANTED TO BE MY TRUE FRIEND.

Those painful times became precious when I realised that while I was alone, I did not need to be lonely. Jesus wanted to be my true friend (John 15:15), and until I made Him my best friend, I would always be insecure. As I spent time reading the Bible, listening to worship songs, and getting to know Him, I realised that He would never leave me in the cold. Whether you are currently entangled in toxic friendships or struggling to find a true friend, remember that you always have a best friend in Jesus!

BEST FRIENDS FOREVER
When I was ten, one of the girls in our trio moved to Canada, and I lost touch with the other girl when we went to secondary school. A decade later, I met the first friend while on a trip to Canada, and another decade later, I reconnected with the second at a friend’s wedding. All our friendship toxicity melted away as we realised that we were now God-lovers trying to honour Him with our relationship and career choices. Our friendships had once centred on ourselves, but our renewed friendships centred on God and how we could encourage one another on this journey. Our toxic friendships have been replaced by true spiritual friendships, and I am all the more better for it.

I Was An Accidental Bully

Hannah Leung — Thu, 26 Nov 2020 01:10:00 +0000

In my first year of secondary school, I received a “fair” conduct grade, the second lowest you can receive. What put me on the blacklist was an incident of cyberbullying. Not of a classmate; I cyberbullied a teacher.

Just before my final exams, when I was 13, our discipline master showed up at my classroom door one day and called my name. From the way she stood — her arms crossed, her eyebrows furrowed, and her lips pulled down unhappily — I knew I was in trouble … but for what? I was scared stiff, and fumbled my way out of the classroom.

She passed me three pieces of paper. When I saw what was printed on it, I froze. Have you ever been caught for something you never thought you’d get caught for? Yep, that’s how I felt.

Back in 2009, handphones were banned at my school. As a show of rebellion, I snapped a photo of my form teacher in class and uploaded it on Facebook. At that point, I had no idea the trouble it would cause. What ensued was a series of hurtful comments left by classmates about the picture. Because my teacher was so disliked by my classmates, they seized the opportunity to spout silly but nasty comments about her appearance and personality. Truth be told, I laughed at many of the things they said, and didn’t think that there would be any consequences. I left the picture up for the comments to continue, and shrugged off a nagging thought that a teacher from school would find out.

“Did you know that this is a serious case of cyberbullying?”

My mind was reeling — cyberbullying? As she listed out the consequences of this supposed crime, I grew giddy with questions and fright. Well, mostly fright. The school’s discipline committee held me fully responsible for this event because I uploaded the photo. I spent the next three days in detention alone, then everyone who left a comment joined me in a Corrective Work Order for the next two days.

On the last day, we wrote a letter to apologise to my form teacher. When I passed her the letter, she snatched it without looking at me, and disappeared into the staff room. When she reappeared, the hurt in her eyes was apparent.

She said, “Once you lower someone into the grave, you can’t bring them back anymore.”

We didn’t know this beforehand, but she had planned to retire that year. When I found out, guilt twisted knots in my stomach. It was only then that I realised how deep our words had cut. Imagine ending your teaching career reading hateful comments from your students. Words said online are still words that can’t be taken back.

To be honest, I cannot remember if she ever spoke to us again after that day. We had our study break, then our exams, before we all moved on to the next school year. I never saw her again.

It has been 11 years, and sometimes I wonder where my teacher is now, and whether she has recovered from the incident. I used to think that we were “unlucky” to get caught. It would not have been that bad if no one found out about the picture and comments, right?

Yet, I remember how my classmates were emboldened and encouraged to pile on insult after insult as they read each other’s comments. Even if my teacher had never read them and never got hurt, my classmates and I were becoming increasingly hateful, and that was an ugly sight to behold.

GO DEEPER!
Proverbs has a lot to teach us about the power of words. Use an online Bible to search for “tongue,” “mouth,” “lips,” “word,” and “speech” in the book of Proverbs and reflect on the verses that are especially relevant to how you have been using (or abusing) your words. James 3 also has a lot of wisdom about this issue. Pray for God to help you become someone who chooses to bless rather than curse others, as we are all made in His image (Jas 3:9).

Forgiving Your Family

Jiamin Choo — Wed, 13 May 2020 12:19:00 +0000

I didn’t ask to be born first. It’s not fair that my parents expected me to be responsible for my younger siblings, and scolded me harshly whenever something bad happened to them. It wasn’t even my fault,” a friend shared when we were having a heart-to-heart talk. Even though those days of being scolded were a long time ago, recalling those moments brought fresh pain and hurt. “Don’t I matter to them? I’m their child too.” my friend wondered.

Those thoughts felt familiar. Even though I grew up in a Christian home, there have been times when I felt deeply hurt by family members because of unkept promises, insensitive statements, and unnecessary comparisons of me with how well other kids behaved.

No family is perfect. Even the families in the Bible didn’t get it right. In one particular family, the favouritism shown by the parents led to deep-rooted hurts which eventually tore a pair of twin brothers apart for years.

Isaac and Rebekah had become parents to Esau and Jacob. From Scripture, we learn that as the twin boys grew up, with the elder brother Esau becoming a skilful hunter and the younger brother Jacob being the quieter one who liked to stay at home, “Isaac, who had a taste for wild game, loved Esau, but Rebekah loved Jacob” (Gen 25:28 NIV).

Years later, when Isaac was old and wanted to give the unique blessing for the firstborn to Esau, Rebekah and Jacob worked together to trick Isaac into giving the blessing to Jacob instead. This made Esau so angry that he wanted to kill Jacob, but Rebekah helped Jacob to run away from home and escape. (For details on what happened, see Genesis 27.)

With such deep hurts from jealousy, deceit, betrayal and threatened violence, what hope is there for reconciliation between husband and wife, parent and child, and siblings? We can look to the God who created families and showed us what forgiveness looked like. Isaac’s family had been called to honour God and be part of the covenant where “all peoples on earth will be blessed” (Gen 12:3 NIV). Despite their failings, God persisted with this broken family for His redemptive purpose. After over 20 years of estrangement, Jacob and Esau reconciled with a teary embrace (Gen 33). And out of this family line, many generations later, came God’s own Son, Jesus.

This same God then shows His love as our Heavenly Father, by forgiving us of our sins while we were still His enemies, and reconciling with us through Christ (Rom 5:8–10). It is because we have received such a precious gift of forgiveness and reconciliation that we are to extend it to others. Paul’s message to the Ephesian church rings true today, “Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you” (Eph 4:32 ESV).

The family you and I have may not be perfect. We may expect our family to love and protect us, to always be there for us and not let us down. Yet no matter how hard our parents, siblings, or even ourselves try to do so, we won’t be able to in our own strength. In every family, there will be days of laughter and days of sadness. During this Covid-19 pandemic, with strict measures so that we “stay home”, stress levels may reach breaking point, with family members venting their frustrations on one another. Yet it is through the family that God works. We learn to love each other. We learn to forgive in times of hurt and pain. And with that we learn the heart of our Heavenly Father who forgave us first.

PRAYER

Dear God, having received Your gift of forgiveness through Jesus’ sacrifice on the cross, help me forgive family members who have hurt me. Even through the pain, may You bring about healing and reconciliation in Your perfect ways. Amen.

REFLECTION TIME!

1. How did you feel when someone forgave you? To what extent has that influenced the way you treat others who have hurt you?
2. Is there a strained relationship in your family? What can you do to help bring reconciliation?

DELVE DEEPER

Read and reflect on these passages on “forgiveness”:
o Genesis 50:15–21
o Psalm 103:1–14
o Matthew 18:21–35

HANDLES

When reading the Bible, be careful not to pick and choose some words to focus on while ignoring the context of the passage. It’s important to keep things in perspective according to what the biblical author had intended to say to the original readers.

Dear Kallos: I Feel Like I Am Losing A Really Good Friend Who Doesn’t Value Me Anymore

Alina Teo — Tue, 24 Sep 2019 04:00:00 +0000

I’ve been feeling really depressed lately, and I think that it’s because I feel like I’m losing a really good friend who doesn’t value me anymore. I tried talking to him about it, but it didn’t seem to work. I don’t know how to express how I feel and I hope I’m just overthinking it. But what if I’m not? — Hurt and Confused

dear Hurt and Confused,

The uncertainty of the friendship and how you feel undervalued must be very difficult to bear. I’m sorry you have to feel this pain.

It does sound like your friend wants some space and there may or may not be a clear reason why. Sometimes guys just need their space. Or perhaps he is going through something difficult and doesn’t want to share it just yet. Be patient and act out of love instead of fear.

You have already raised the topic and shown you care, so I believe that when your friend is ready to talk, he would. One thing you can do as a good friend is to let him know you’re there for him and you hope to share his burden, but you will respect the space he might want.

Remember that there are others around you who care deeply for you! This might be a good point to also focus on the other friendships you have and invest in them. There are some friendships that are for specific seasons in our lives, while others may last for a long time.

Through it all, I pray that your worth would be found in Christ and not in how another person might value you. As humans, we will all fail one another. Only Christ will always fully fulfil our deepest longings of being loved and valued.

Don’t be disheartened, sister! Hang on to the hope of this friendship that means a lot to you, but hang on even tighter to God who will carry you through every storm and knows what you need before you even utter it (Matt 6:8). Let God carry this burden with you. Go to Him in prayer and let Him give you His peace.

Why Sorry Seems To Be The Hardest Word

Christiana Chan — Sun, 28 Jan 2018 16:00:00 +0000

“I wish I was wasn’t born into this family!”

“I wish we were never friends!”

“I wish I could cut off ties with you!”

In the heat of the moment, we often utter the above phrases or simply conjure up the thought when we argue with friends or family (I admit I do it too!). We’re so riled up with anger that we speak whatever is on our mind and whatever helps us to escape from losing the argument. We never apologise either, thinking that time will heal and help us to forget and move on. However, we continue bearing the grudges, the hurt, and the memories of our argument, even years on.

It is in moments like these where SORRY becomes the most powerful word in unleashing forgiveness and maintaining our relationships with people.

It is a simple, five-letter word.

Yet, it is often the hardest word to utter with sincerity. How many times do we say sorry and actually mean it? Do we say sorry for being late to a meeting? Do we say sorry for wrongfully accusing someone? Do we say sorry for words that have hurt people? We rarely do — what more when we think we’re right? However, when we utter this simple word and mean it, we realise that it takes humility to admit we’re wrong, courage to put others first, and maturity to admit responsibility for what we have done!

THE COURAGE TO BE HUMBLED

I’m sure many of us have been hurt by the words and actions of others. Joseph was no different in this respect!

When he was just 17 years old, Joseph’s brothers plotted to kill him (Gen 37:18–20).They stripped him and threw him into a pit where there was no water (Gen 37:23–24). They even lied to Jacob, their father, that Joseph was devoured by an animal, when in fact they had sold him off to Ishmaelites (Gen 37:27–28)!

Chapters later in the book of Genesis, we read about how the guilt of such treachery against Joseph ate at their conscience (Gen 42:21). Their confession of wrongdoing led Joseph to weep (Gen 42:24)!

Will we allow someone to close a chapter of hurt in their lives through our courage to say a simple apology?

Just as how Joseph needed to hear that his brothers were sorry about the wrong they did to him, our friends or family might also need to hear a simple “I’m sorry” to move on from the hurt that we have caused them. By courageously apologising and mending a broken relationship, you could bring healing to both them and yourself today!

THE COURAGE TO PUT OTHERS FIRST

When we apologise, we also put other people’s feelings and emotions above our own. You may feel that you are right, or even that you have nothing to apologise for, but putting others first means that we humble ourselves and say sorry anyway for whatever hurt we may have unknowingly caused. As Philippians 2:3–4 says, “Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility, value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others”.

I’VE COME TO REALISE THAT SAYING SORRY ISN’T ABOUT ME, ME, AND ME. IT HAS AND ALWAYS WILL BE ABOUT OTHERS

As teenagers, our quick tongue retorts or talks back to whatever our parents say. I talked back to my parents so often as a teen that they thought I would become a lawyer in the future! However, have we thought about the hurt that we might actually be causing them with our supposedly quick-witted words of rebellion? Have we thought about things from the perspectives of our parents? I’ve come to realise that saying sorry isn’t about me, me, and me. It has and always will be about others!

I recently watched a TED talk by Shann Ray Ferch, a writer who focuses on forgiveness studies, about an incident with his wife’s family. Once, his father-in-law made a sharp remark to his wife, which Ferch did not even think was particularly harsh. However, later in the evening, his father-in-law came and apologised to Ferch, which confused him. When Ferch insisted he did not have to apologise for anything, his father-in-law said: “In our family, we ask forgiveness of the person that we harmed, and also everybody else that was there in order to restore the dignity of the one that was harmed.”

Ferch’s story inspires me to not merely apologise for the sake of apologising, but to genuinely apologise for the wrong I have done. Just like Philippians 2:3–4, it inspires me to think of the feelings of the people I’ve hurt and put their feelings above my own selfishness and reluctance to say “I’m sorry”.

THE COURAGE TO TAKE RESPONSIBILITY

Moreover, saying a simple “I’m sorry” signifies that we willingly take a part of the blame.

I clearly remember the days of a breakup, when my boyfriend cheated on me with another girl. It broke my heart and left me in pain, leaving me to grapple with the broken shards. I hated seeing his face, and I hated having to work with him.

The closure of this chapter in my life came with his apology while I was on a mission trip to Thailand. That simple phrase, “I’m sorry”, ministered so deeply to me and helped me to move on. I felt my heart grow lighter as God allowed all the bitterness to wash away I knew it wasn’t easy for him to say it. The amount of guilt that weighed on his heart must have become lighter upon saying those two words and admitting the mistake that he had made. Since then, we’ve chosen forgiveness and put aside our bitterness and resentment and continue to be friends today.

I FELT MY HEART TO GROW LIGHTER AS GOD ALLOWED ALL THE BITTERNESS TO WASH AWAY

When we own up to a mistake and apologise, a great burden is lifted off us, but also from others.

TWO SIMPLE WORDS

It’s never easy to release healing to someone who has hurt you or whom you’ve hurt. But that’s why we also do need an extra ounce of courage from God to step out of our comfort zone to do what is right and needed rather than inhabit our own bubble. Will you willingly take God’s hand to step out and apologise today?

Dear Kallos: I Often Feel That I Don’t Measure Up To Others — I Never Feel Good Enough

Alina Teo — Thu, 29 Sep 2016 16:00:00 +0000

“I often feel that I don’t measure up to others, and I never feel good enough. I keep these thoughts to myself, but I feel like comparing myself to my friends has become a habit I can’t kick. I don’t want to be stuck in this comparison game, but I don’t know how to get out. Help!” – Stuck

dear Stuck,

The first thing I want you to know is that you are good enough! No matter what you may feel or think, you are good enough because you are made in the image of God (Gen 1:27). God made you the way you are for a great purpose and I believe it saddens His heart that you want to be someone else. Psalm 139:14 tells us that we are to “praise God because [we are] fearfully and wonderfully made; God’s works are wonderful, [we] know that full well”. You may have come across this verse before, but look at the words carefully and let these truths speak to your heart. God made you with such delight and you are His wonderful workmanship (Eph 2:10)! In this generation where social media is such a big part of our lives, comparing ourselves to others may come naturally and it can be crippling when we think about all the ways we don’t measure up to others. During these moments, seeing ourselves from God’s perspective is so key and liberating. Our security is found in Christ who loves us just as we are and who has given each of us different talents for His purposes (1 Pet 4:10). God didn’t make a mistake with you, dear sister. You don’t have to compare yourself with anyone else!

Is forgiveness really that important? Some days, it feels impossible to forgive no matter how hard I try. What can I do about it? – Hurt

dear Hurt,

I’m sorry that you have been hurt and are struggling to forgive, but thank you for your honest question. Forgiving is never easy, and it is especially difficult when the hurt is deep. So why do we still do it? Ephesians 4:32 tells us, “Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you”. Just as Christ set the example for us by forgiving others, we as disciples should do likewise, and in doing so, we are showing the world who our God is — One who is gracious and full of love. That is the reason why we forgive even when it feels so difficult! In moments like that, there are a few things we can do.

Firstly, confess your bitterness to God. Tell Him, “God, I’m sorry for bearing a grudge against _______. I forgive _______ for ________. I commit this person into your hands.” It is a simple prayer, but there is so much power in confession and you might be surprised how difficult it is to even utter these words. Secondly, pray continuously for the person whom you feel has wronged you. As you ask God to bless him or her, I believe that your heart will slowly soften again to love the person as Christ does. Forgiveness isn’t easy, but it is something that Christ has modelled for us to follow. Don’t give up; persevere in forgiveness. We pray that this relationship will be restored soon and filled with the love of God.