“Me? A leader? They must have gotten the wrong person!”

I was in disbelief when I was first asked to consider becoming a small group leader in church, and I remained in disbelief for a couple of years, allowing doubt in my abilities to creep into my heart. Leadership began to feel like a burden too heavy for me to bear, both emotionally and spiritually.

It wasn’t until a year ago that I realised that everything I did as a leader rested on one thing — to disprove the unspoken fear buried in my heart that someone had made a mistake in choosing me.

Every small group session was a game of comparison, a silent battle to measure up to my co-leader. While I could easily identify his strengths, I struggled to find one good thing about how I led small group. Out of bitterness, I began to see him as a competitor, completely forgetting that we are co-labourers in God’s kingdom. I was desperate to prove to him, to my leaders, and most of all to myself that I was qualified to be a leader — capable, and good enough.

I was so afraid of being seen as a weak and incapable leader that I refused to admit my need for help. My confidence hit an all-time low. I asked: What exactly did my leaders see in me? Do I really have what it takes to be a good leader? Am I really good enough for this role? I even began questioning the purpose of serving God. I thought, what good is serving in a leadership position if it only causes me so much heartache? I was upset at God for putting me in a place of ‘suffering’.

Things begin to turn around when I finally admitted how broken I was. I laid down my pride, shared my struggles with a trusted leader, and took some time out to recuperate.

During that period of rest, God restored my identity as a daughter. The hold of fear and the need to strive began to weaken as I sensed His overwhelming love and acceptance. My view of leadership was also transformed as I learned to walk under God’s leadership and allow Him to develop a deeper love in my heart for my members. I re-entered ministry with peace to continue carrying the responsibilities as a leader who is called and approved by God solely.

As I continue my journey as a leader, flawed but approved by God, I am making this one thing my priority — to reflect and glorify Him, the perfect Leader