Sexuality – Kallos

NOT GONNA LIE – SYFC X KALLOS Conference

Quek Shiwei — Thu, 26 Nov 2020 01:10:00 +0000

This September, the #NGL Conference set out to unravel truths behind obsessive behaviours. We bring you the highlights from each session on how these women broke free from their obsessions.

FREEDOM FROM #FOMO ON SOCIAL MEDIA
Kallos: I (Doro) used to check my phone frequently whenever I posted a photo on Instagram. There was a need to know who liked and commented on my posts; it felt like a “stamp of approval” of my worth. Spending time consuming content online also left me jaded and envious. To actively change my habits, I swapped the position of my social media apps with something wholesome (news app, Bible app, etc.), set aside a fixed and limited time for social media, and set an in-app timer on my Instagram account to remind me that time spent on the app was up. We encourage you to go on a digital detox. The act of physically leaving your phone at home periodically in the day can be refreshing for your mind! We also challenge you to cultivate mind spaces to reflect in solitude or pursue healthy hobbies.

GRADES AND SUCCESS DO NOT DEFINE YOU
Liane Lim: I was once a delinquent student. I eventually started putting in effort in my studies and eventually, I did well enough for my poly exams to get shortlisted for law school. I was so excited when I started work. The feeling of not being academically-inclined previously but realising that I was good at my job slowly made me addicted to work and the pursuit of success.

When I became a Christian in the midst of my career, knowing that grades and success do not define me freed me from the constant pursuit of success. I had to continually seek God’s help to check my heart and refine me. Being accountable to trusted community to point out my blind spots helped too. Remember this — humility and lowliness is better than great results with much pride.

GOD’S LOVE > LOVE FROM MEN
Jennifer Heng: In the past, I have been with many boyfriends and I was sexually active with them. While I was a serial dater, I was not obsessed with romance per se. I was obsessed with wanting to feel loved! So, I dated anyone who said he loved me or showed affection towards me. I believed that romance could fill that hole in my heart. Yet, at the end of the day, that need was still not met.

It was only when I came to know God that I made my greatest discovery — only God can meet my need! Breaking free came easy. It was only after knowing God, that the deep need in my heart to be loved was met.

SEXUAL TEMPTATION HAS NO POWER OVER YOU
Noelle Wee: I struggled with masturbation as a teen and could not understand how I could be pure until I learnt that it is a battlefield of the mind; I must fight! Temptation actually has no power over us; it only has the power we give it. So I started to “de-power” it.

Whenever I came across sexual material that triggered sexual thoughts, I said this OUT LOUD: “… we take every thought captive and make it obedient to Christ” (2 Cor 10:5). Then, I started practicing what Philippians 4:8 said (“… whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable — if anything is excellent or praiseworthy — think about such things”) and learnt to replace my thoughts with the word of God. Repeat these positive practices until it takes root in your life, and dare to ask for help!

WHEN PRETTY HURTS
Josephine Lam: Since I was a little girl, I was very concerned about how I looked. I always felt that I needed to look beautiful in order for people to like me. When I got to high school, I became so obsessed that instead of a pencil case, I would have a mirror in front of me in class!

The number one “makeover” of my life was the journey God took me on to find my true identity. True beauty comes from knowing who you are in Christ and I can’t tell you how valuable this is — knowing that I don’t need to compete with others when there’s a beauty that outlasts age, diets, and our clothes. It’s a beauty that comes from within and from having a relationship with the true living God. I realised that when we get obsessed with our physical beauty, we end up not growing our godly beauty. At the end of the day, there’s a hole in our hearts that only God can truly and completely fill — not these counterfeits!

Review: The Album by Blackpink

Quek Shi Yun — Thu, 26 Nov 2020 01:09:00 +0000

I have a confession. Before reviewing this album, I have never heard a Blackpink song. I know, how is that possible?! They’ve broken the record for the most-viewed YouTube video in 24 hours (twice!), have two music videos with one billion views on YouTube, and their latest album has already hit a million pre-orders. I must have been living under a rock!

With their finely balanced mix of innocent sweetness (the pink) and a cool edginess (the black) complete with hip hop-inspired dance moves and a rap in every song, Blackpink is a band like no other. Their aesthetic fits right in with the age of girl power, which blends independence and self-assurance with the joy of being female, and truth be told, I see Blackpink’s appeal.

These are women who seem to exude confidence, and not because they have a man. In fact, on ‘Lovesick Girls,’ they declare, “Didn’t want to be a princess, I’m priceless/ A prince not even on my list.” On ‘Love to Hate Me,’ they stand up against those who try to tear them down, while their final track, ‘You Never Know,’ is an anti-hate anthem that encourages people not to judge. These feel-good messages encourage their viewers not to tag their worth to others’ words — instead, they should see the inherent value in themselves.

Yet at the same time, the confidence seen in their lyrics is accompanied with a not-so-subtle show of sexuality in their performances. With their sensual dance moves, revealing outfits, and suggestive lyrics, Blackpink isn’t all sugar and spice. ‘Ice Cream’ shocked K-pop fans with its sexually explicit lyrics, and ‘Bet You Wanna,’ a collab with Cardi B, is a flirty song rife with innuendo: “From the club to the tub/ You said you wanna / Give me an all-night hug.” There’s also a lot more swearing in English on this Korean-language album than you might expect, with the B-word casually tossed out throughout.

I’ve become a fan of their catchy tunes and powerful vocals, but I can’t deny a slight disappointment in the direction they’ve taken. I’m all for women having confidence, but I wish that “confidence” wasn’t equated to in-your-face sexuality, or even self-sufficiency alone. The Album plays with ideas of female empowerment, but it’s a far cry from a complete picture of femininity. Yes, we are called to respect ourselves and each other as we are all made in the image of God (Gen 1:27) and no gender has more privilege in Christ (Gal 3:28). But the confidence of a Christian comes in her identity as a child of God rather than her ego (Rom 8:14–16; Phil 3:3). Godly beauty doesn’t come from putting our bodies on display (1 Pet 3:3–4) — it comes from fearing the Lord (Prov 1:7; 31:30) and loving Him wholeheartedly (Deut 6:5).

Just as with their previous works, The Album sets out to inspire women to know their worth and get what they want. It’s a worthwhile message on the surface, but relies on popular ideas about strength and femininity that should warrant a second look. There is no doubt that Blackpink will continue to be a pop-culture phenomenon, and I’m hopeful for how they can use their influence in the most positive way.

The Real Talk Challenge

Quek Shiwei — Wed, 16 Sep 2020 03:42:00 +0000

CHALLENGE RULES

Read three chapters of Real Talk: Exposing 10 Myths About Love and Sexuality and respond to the reflection questions at the end of each myth.
– Myth 2: Guys are more interested in how sexual a woman is than how pure she is.
– Myth 5: Sex is just for self-pleasure.
– Myth 8: There is nothing wrong with watching porn; I am not hurting anyone in the process.
After completing the reflection questions at the end of each chapter, schedule a call/meet up with each other to share your thoughts and struggles with what you’ve read. Pray for each other at the end of each meeting.

Challenger: Janelle Fong & Jana Ponnia, 16

Fun Fact:
We have been table partners in school for over a year, have totally opposite personalities, and both love stickers!

INITIAL THOUGHTS
Jana: I was not expecting the topics to be so difficult. However, at this age, it is important to delve deeper into these myths. I am not sure how this will progress but I am certain this challenge will help me be more confident in my faith and draw me closer to God. I am very grateful that I am able to do this challenge with Janelle because we are close, so it will be easier and more comfortable to talk about these myths. Despite all my uncertainties, I am excited! The myth I am most eager to discuss is: Guys are more interested in how sexual a woman is than how pure she is. I personally do not agree with this statement. However, I don’t quite know how to express my thoughts on this, so I hope that reading this chapter will help me gain clarity.

Janelle: When I first found out which chapters we would be reading and discussing, I found it a bit weird because they are topics that usually aren’t discussed in normal conversations. However, I think that this will be a good learning experience and will help me grow closer to God. I’m also very curious as to how my discussions with Jana will go. Similar to Jana, I am curious about Myth 2 because I have heard it many times but I strongly disagree with it. I am interested to find out other viewpoints about this myth.

CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
Jana: For me, Myth 8 was an interesting chapter. I was always told to stay away from pornography and explicit content; I have just accepted that it is bad but I have never been told what makes it bad. I have always believed that watching porn is a sin but it was important for me to understand why it is against God’s will. I especially liked the line, “[there has been a] shift from sex for procreation to sex for recreation” because I felt that it clearly summarised the difference between God’s intent of sex for love versus worldly desires and lust. I have always believed in sex after marriage and this chapter reinforced that too. I am glad that I can now articulate my beliefs clearly!

One thing that really struck me in Myth 5 and 8 was the impact of consuming explicit material on others globally. I never really thought about the impact of pornography on prostitution and sex trafficking. This is really a big issue especially in poorer areas in the world as children are being exploited too.

Janelle: Myth 2 listed ways to identify a godly man (e.g. one who respects the boundaries you have set for yourself, who tries his best to flee from physical temptation etc.). That was very thought provoking for me as I have never really thought about the qualities I would want in a future partner except that he has to be a Christian. These were very useful pointers that I would definitely keep in mind in the future!

Myth 8 was also a very eye-opening one! I realised that so many people are impacted and affected when people watch pornography. It deepened my perspective that porn objectifies people and this objectification can be carried into real life where what is seen in porn is reflected in the expectations we have of how people should look or behave. The pornography industry is one that exploits people and it saddens me to think that there may be some who have no choice but to enter the industry for a living. It must be incredibly painful for God to witness His creation treated in such ways and I think it is important for people to realise that watching porn goes way beyond fuelling their lust. Watching porn also affects our brains and the relationships we form with other people as well. It is even more important that we stay away from porn in order for us to be able to build healthy relationships with others.

FINAL THOUGHTS
Jana: Honestly, it was a little awkward at first as we didn’t really know how to begin. But as we progressed, we delved into deeper discussions which were helpful. I enjoyed talking to Janelle about these topics because I was able to hear her views too. The last time I delved into such topics at length was around two years ago with two best friends from church. I really feel that it is essential to discuss such topics with close friends or our parents. I also grew in my walk with God because I understood more about His plan for me and what is against His will. I hope to apply all the things I have learnt to truly be a woman after God’s own heart!

Janelle: Broaching these topics are always a little hard initially. It helped that I am quite comfortable around Jana. My first conversation about such topics was with a non-Christian friend. At that time, we both shared similar views, such as how pornography can be harmful to others (those who work in the industry and the people around us), and how we believe in abstinence before marriage. This time, the conversation with Jana was more God-oriented and we were able to discuss how God fits in the whole narrative about sexuality. Furthermore, the discussions made me think that although these topics are considered “taboo” in Asian countries, they should be discussed more openly. Doing so in the context of church and cell group would help to educate young people about sexuality too, and help them to hold each other accountable in their struggles. Overall, it was a really interesting challenge for me and I look forward to growing closer to God as I journey to stay pure both in heart and mind!

Trigger Warning: Fighting Off Porn During Covid-19

Eunice Sng — Mon, 06 Jul 2020 16:19:00 +0000

Jessica Harris, author, blogger, international speaker, and creator of beggarsdaughter.com, is passionate about helping young women find hope and freedom in their sexual struggles. Her book Beggar’s Daughter: From the Rags of Pornography to the Riches of Grace chronicles the struggles of her years-long journey with pornography and her road to healing.

Kallos: During this pandemic, most students would find themselves stuck at home with a lot of time on their hands and may desire to watch porn. Do you have any advice on finding healthy distractions from emotional triggers such as boredom and loneliness?

Jessica: This pandemic has created some unique circumstances for so many of us. It is a “perfect storm” for women who struggle because it forces us to contend with so many triggers like anxiety, fear, uncertainty and even hopelessness while also upsetting our routines, cutting us off from community and limiting the activities we can do. However, it’s very important that we start with the truth of 1 Corinthians 10:13. It says that God is faithful and He will not only keep us from being tempted beyond our ability, but that He will also provide a way to escape.

I think, too often, we consider distractions the same thing as escaping temptation and they aren’t. So, lack of distraction and boredom are not excuses for giving in to temptation.

We don’t find freedom in distracting ourselves from sin; we find freedom in fleeing sin and finding healing. I would encourage women to press in to those hurting places and really do some hard work with God in this time. If loneliness is a trigger, for instance, press in to ‘Why?’ Are there lies there that you are believing in? Then, what is God’s truth? As you work on letting God heal those places, work on fighting the trigger as well. Reach out to friends. Find a way to stay connected. Give yourself something to look forward to every day. See this as a Sabbath, in a way. A chance to have your soul refreshed.

WE DON'T FIND FREEDOM IN DISTRACTING OURSELVES FROM SIN; WE FIND FREEDOM IN FLEEING SIN AND FINDING HEALING.

Kallos: With the prevalence of social media, one doesn’t necessarily need to go to porn sites to have lustful thoughts. What are some safe markers that one can put in place?

Jessica: Pornography is everywhere, but it’s important to understand that we can have lustful thoughts even without seeing any kind of content. Plenty of women struggle with making up their own fantasy in their minds. That being said, it’s important that we are always aware of the temptations that are out there. You always want to ask yourself, “Why am I doing this?” Is it to stay connected? Is it because I’m bored? Is it a social media addiction? Is it to encourage other people? Is it to satisfy my own lust? Each woman knows what her unique triggers are. So while having your own boundaries on social media is important, the more important work is learning to take our thoughts captive and to guard our hearts and minds.

Kallos: What do you think about the mindset, “My body, my rights. I’ll wear what I want!” Could dressing in a revealing manner stumble another struggling with a porn addiction?

Jessica: When it comes to modesty, we need to operate from a position of freedom, not fear. Christian modesty messages can make us feel ashamed of our bodies or afraid of our sexuality. Both of those are God-given, good, and not something to be ashamed of. As women, we need to ask ourselves, “What message is this sending?” not “Will this cause someone else to stumble?” The reason is people can “stumble” over very different parts of the body — some people find ears, necks, and feet attractive.

That’s why our motive for modesty has to come from our own desire to honour God with the message we communicate through our dress. If you put on a piece of clothing that you intend to draw sexual attention toward your body, that reveals something about your heart. The first time I met my husband, I was dressed very modestly, but he still found me sexually attractive. The responsibility for controlling his mind was completely his. I didn’t dress in anything provocative or in any way to draw that sort of attention to myself. However, if he had told me, “Jessica, this particular shirt you wear really stirs up sexual feelings” even if the shirt was completely modest, I would have made sure not to wear it around him.

Kallos: How can someone heal from the guilt and shame of failing once again — feeling hopeless, especially in this time of lockdown where it seems to be a never-ending cycle?

Jessica: Healing can only come from an encounter with Jesus. The issue is when we are hopeless, struggling with guilt and shame, many of us turn away from God. We assume He’s mad at us, frustrated with us, and sick and tired of us “messing up”. But that’s not the message of the gospel. The devil would love us to believe that we’re hopeless and that God is disgusted with us, but that’s not truth. We have to stand on the fact that God’s mercies are new every morning and we have to take responsibility for our part in the fight against sin. I would certainly encourage women to start by studying Romans 6–8. I call these “the freedom chapters” and they are rich with truth about grace and freedom from shame and condemnation.

THE DEVIL WOULD LOVE US TO BELIEVE THAT WE’RE HOPELESS AND THAT GOD IS DISGUSTED WITH US, BUT THAT’S NOT TRUTH.

Kallos: For people who are struggling with both internal and external triggers, and have the mindset, “Just muscle through it, ignore it, and it will go away” — do you have any advice or words of encouragement for them?

Jessica: I think it’s important that we look at this struggle through the mindset of healing. We so often frame pornography and lust as “a bad thing we do that we just need to stop” and we neglect the damage it is causing in our lives and the damage in our lives that may be drawing us into this. Too often when we muscle through it and ignore it, what we’re really doing is numbing ourselves and adopting a calloused coping strategy. We close ourselves off and refuse to address the issue and may even start lashing out at people who want to help us, even God. That’s not the life He longs for us to have. He wants us to heal, and we can’t do that by ignoring pain.

It’s also important to realise a sex drive is different from a trigger. Desiring sex is not wrong and is not the same as lust. A desire for sex is healthy and needs to be acknowledged and entrusted to God. We need to recognise that sex itself is good and God’s idea. That mindset can also help us as we battle temptation because we can ask ourselves, “Is this the way God wanted it?” And if the answer is no, then we need to deal with that accordingly.

Want to know more?

Find more resources from Jessica Harris at beggarsdaughter.com, or read her book, Beggar’s Daughter.

Love & Sexuality: How Do I Find Contentment In Singlehood?

Alicia Heng — Sun, 24 Nov 2019 04:00:00 +0000

“How do I find contentment in singlehood?”

In my secondary school days, I was the kind of girl who could never go for long without being in a relationship. Over time, after going through multiple breakups and purposeless relationships I thought: “What is the point of being in relationships if they do not end in marriage?” The emotional issues I had to deal with each time a relationship ended were draining and affected me in unhelpful ways. This made me more cautious toward entering a relationship flippantly, and I started thinking about the purpose of relationships and marriage.

Contentment in singlehood begins when you have a personal conviction that have a personal conviction that you not need to be in a relationship to be happy. I learnt that no human being, not even the “right guy” can make me contented all the time. We are setting ourselves up for disappointment and heartbreak if we think romantic relationships complete us.

When my purpose in life was not fixated on finding love and happiness from being in a relationship, I found happiness from many more things. Spending time with good friends, having great conversations over meals, having fun singing (or screaming) crazily at karaoke, attending youth camps and interesting church workshops, pursuing my interest in soccer, and serving in my church’s children and youth ministries – these were memorable and meaningful things that made me thankful to be alive, happy and contented. What are some meaningful interests and activities you desire to pursue? God does bless you with seasons and opportunities to cultivate these interests and grow in your personal development and fulfilment.

Yes, at the end of the day, I still yearned for a relationship. But I was aware that my inner restlessness and emptiness could only be deeply touched when I spent time with God, whether it was in prayer, journalling, listening to Him from His Word, or soaking in His presence in worship. Pursue God-give opportunities, but spend time with Him daily, and let Him enrich your life greatly! Whatever your age, singlehood can definitely be a rich and deeply satisfying experience when you let God show you how fruitful it can be.

What Love Songs Taught Me About Sex

Kallos Team — Thu, 14 Nov 2019 04:23:00 +0000

Contrary to popular belief, the smash hit of 2017, Despacito, has nothing to do with burritos, mosquitoes or potatoes, but everything to do with … yes, SEX. Some of the lyrics even translate to “I want to undress you in kisses slowly” and “Let me trespass your danger zones / Until I make you scream.” Yikes!

But well, at least it’s in Spanish … if we didn’t know what we were singing along to, it probably doesn’t matter … right?

Like it or not, pop songs have become incredibly sexualised. If you were to throw a stone in a metaphorical room full of current hits, you’re almost guaranteed to strike one that talks about sex. So, how big a problem is it for us to sing along to these songs? To answer that question, here are three dangerous lies pop songs have told us about sex.

LIE 1: SEX IS "JUST PHYSICAL"

If you listen to love songs these days, you might come away thinking that sex is simply about physical pleasure to fulfil your sexual needs. Very few songs mention anything about trust, emotional intimacy and commitment. Let’s have some samples:

“Oooh I love that dress/ But you won’t need it anymore…/ Let’s just kiss til’ we’re naked baby.” – Versace on the Floor by Bruno Mars

“I can’t keep my hands to myself/ I mean, I could, but why would I want to?” – Hands To Myself by Selena Gomez

“Only bought this dress so you could take it off” — Dress by Taylor Swift

The way sex is portrayed in these songs is such a contrast to the Bible’s description of sex. In the Old Testament, the Hebrew word used to describe sexual intimacy between husband and wife is yada. The first time it is used is in Genesis 4:1a: “Now Adam knew Eve his wife” (ESV). However, yada refers to more than just sex. It can mean to “know deeply or intimately”. Interestingly, yada is often found not in reference to sex, but to describe closeness with God (e.g. Psalm 139, where it is used five times with this meaning!).

While pop songs may spread the message that sex is just about physical satisfaction, this can’t be further from the truth. In the right context of marriage, to know your partner through sex is a truly intimate act, connecting with that person emotionally, physically, spiritually, and more. Let me (Shi Yun) just say this from a newlywed woman’s point of view. It’s definitely not just about pleasure. It takes commitment and a lot of sacrificial giving! The sex portrayed in pop songs is often selfish and cheap, and sadly that sells us short of the beauty of sex God created for marriage.

TO KNOW YOUR PARTNER THROUGH SEX IS A TRULY INTIMATE ACT

LIE 2: SEX "SHOWS THAT YOU LOVE HIM"

A really popular song when I (Isabel) was a teen was More Than Words by Extreme. It was considered a sweet, romantic ballad that people often used at weddings. Yet a closer look at the lyrics revealed something scary!

“Saying I love you/ Is not the words I want to hear from you/…How easy would it be to show me how you feel/ More than words is all you have to do to make it real/ Then you wouldn’t have to say that you love me/ Cause I’d already know.”

What the song implies is that words are not enough — sex is necessary to prove that love is real. That song was written in 1990, and things have only gotten more explicit.

In James Arthur’s Naked (yep, that’s actually the title), he sings,

“If you ever want me back, then your walls need breakin’ down
I’m trying’ to make it clear getting half of you just ain’t enough …
I’m standing here naked.”

What?!

Personally, I (Shi Yun) can’t help but get so angry listening to these lyrics, because they pressure girls into proving their love with their bodies. It also breaks my heart thinking about girls who could potentially believe that sex is the only way to prove their love. Let’s set the record straight: sexual intercourse on its own does not prove love. If it were, then no Disney love story can remain PG-rated.

Girls, we say this to you in all seriousness, with a heavy heart: If any guy tells you that sex is necessary to show that you love him, hard as it is, it’s time to ditch him. A guy who does not respect you and God is not worth investing more time into. You’re truly worth more than that.

LIE 3: SEX IS "PARADISE"

In our world today, sex is often painted to be this amazing thing. It’s apparently soooo good that almost every good thing is compared to sex as THE standard of how good it feels! When I (Isabel) was still in school, I remember the boys in my class using sex as a synonym for something that feels so good, it can only be compared to sex. They’d say things like, “Oh man, this is so good it’s better than sex,” or “Her voice is so smooth, I’m having an ‘eargasm’!”

If sex is all that good, surely we must be missing out by not having it, right? What are we Christians waiting for?!

But… believing that sex is the best thing that could ever happen to you and making it the standard of what’s “good” and most pleasurable is so short sighted! The most interesting imagery about this from a song is when Bruno Mars sings, “Cause your sex takes me to paradise / Yeah, your sex takes me to paradise.” Sex to him is so good that, in his eyes, it’s literally heaven, but really, how far has it fallen short of where we will truly experience full goodness and eternal satisfaction, the real Paradise that awaits us, where there will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, where we live eternally with Jesus, and no curse is upon us anymore (Rev21:4–7;22:3–7)!

Sex may feel good, but surely it can’t be all we desire or crave. We have been offered salvation by a holy God! So you know what? He is literally the One who will take us to paradise.

IF SEX IS ALL THAT GOOD, SURELY WE MUST BE MISSING OUT BY NOT HAVING IT, RIGHT? WHAT ARE WE CHRISTIANS WAITING FOR?!

MOVING FORWARD

It’s easy to groove along to pop songs but never think about how they influence your thoughts. I (Shi Yun) used to be that way, but the moment that changed my mind was when I found myself singing along to Meghan Trainor’s Title: “Baby don’t call me your friend / If I hear that word again / You might never get a chance to see me naked in your bed.”

I caught myself in the moment and thought, “But I’d NEVER say that in any context, and NO man is going to see me naked in his bed unless he’s my husband. So why am I singing this??” It dawned on me that the words I listened to and inevitably spoke out loud really contradicted my beliefs. In singing along, I was subtly being influenced to have a casual view of sex — a view that I didn’t believe in!

We challenge you to take time to examine some of the song lyrics you listen to. Maybe you need to stop listening and singing along to them. Perhaps you’ve believed some of the lies we’ve mentioned above. Whatever it is, allow the Bible to shape your beliefs about sex and sexuality, and put aside these dangerously sexy songs.

5 Things No One Told You About Sex!

Quek Shiwei — Fri, 01 Nov 2019 07:29:00 +0000

IT’S NOT JUST A ‘GUY THING’

Hands up if you thought that sexual purity was just a thing guys struggle with. As a youth leader, girls have told me that they struggle with pornography, masturbation, or fantasy. They are sweet, talented and, by any standard, good Christian girls. Some are leaders in church too. You see, sexual purity is not just a ‘guy thing’ — it is a human thing. And if you are a human, well, then you will struggle with sexual purity in one way or another, because we are created as sexual beings with real desires, but those desires have been polluted by sin. So here’s the good news: if you are struggling with sexual purity, you are not a ‘weird girl with guy problems’. You are a normal girl with struggles, desiring to please God!

Small things can be powerful despite their size. Can you think of something else that is small but powerful? It lives right in the centre of your mouth — the tongue!

YOU ARE NOT THE ONLY ONE STRUGGLING

A lovely girl who had just started dating looked me in the eye and said, “I thought I was the only one!” She genuinely struggled with purity as she started feeling the electrifying feelings of even a simple touch from someone she liked. I laughed, as she was not the first to tell me she thought she was the only one struggling with sexual purity.

On one occasion, the speaker at our church camp encouraged our youth group to confess our sins to one another (James 5:16). As each girl shared, each one realised … I am not the only one! Our struggles may differ, but guess what? You are not the only one, and you do not have to hide in shame. Sin grows in darkness. Pluck up your courage, take a deep breath and confess your struggles to trusted friends and leaders. You may be pleasantly surprised that, instead of condemnation, you hear a voice saying, “You are not the only one — I struggle too.” It can take months or years before overcoming a sexual sin, but the journey will be a lot less lonely with someone by your side.

IT’S NOT JUST ABSTAINING FROM SEX

Perhaps you’ve heard that purity means “no sex before marriage”. But here’s the deal. Sexual purity is not just abstaining from sex. It’s totally possible to be a virgin before marriage and still be sexually impure. There’s a lot that can happen between holding hands and having sex. What about sleeping together on the same bed at a chalet? Sexting? Petting? French kissing? Undressing before each other? Travelling overseas alone together?

Here are some questions to consider: Who am I becoming? Does this action cause me or the other to lust after each other? Will doing this keep me “above reproach” (1 Tim 3:2, Titus 1:6–7)? Am I doing this for my own pleasure or out of self-giving love? Does it honour God, the guy, his parents, future wife and kids? Sexual purity is not technical virginity, but what goes on in your heart, mind, and soul. Ultimately, it’s not about rules, but living holy lives that honour the King and his people (1 Thess 4:3–5).

SEXUAL PURITY IS NOT TECHNICAL VIRGINITY, BUT WHAT GOES ON IN YOUR HEART, MIND, AND SOUL

IT’S NOT ‘OVER’ IF YOU GET MARRIED

Some people think of sexual purity as a 100-metre race to resist all temptation, and once you cross the finish line (getting married), hooray! You are safe. However, choosing sexual purity is more like a marathon — one you run for life. You have to choose purity both before and after getting married, though it may look differently in each case.

A young woman returning from her honeymoon told my friend, “Guess what? I’m still pure!” (i.e. she didn’t have sex), For some reason, she had bought into the lie that having sex, even with her husband, made her dirty! Nothing could be further from the truth. Sex was created to be an exclusive, beautiful, and intimate act of love between husband and wife. Yes, it can be awkward and uncomfortable at the start, yet still innocent and loving. If you do get married, the marathon is still on and you still need to choose purity in the face of other temptations.

Fantasise about that hot Korean star? Nope. Start flirting with another man? Uh-uh. Watch porn? A definite no. Sexual purity is for life, and the pursuit of purity is not over when you get married! Sex ≠ dirty.

SOMEWHERE ALONG THE LINE, WE'VE STARTED TO DEFINE SEXUAL PURITY AS VIRGINITY

IT’S NOT THE MOST IMPORTANT THING ABOUT YOU

You read that correctly. Somewhere along the line, we started to define sexual purity as virginity. And this led to defining our worth by our virginity. The thing is, God values your virginity as he designed sex to be enjoyed only in a marriage. But that’s not the most important thing He values about you. It’s easy to think that if you’ve lost your virginity, you are then dirty and worthless. But the most important thing about you is that you have been bought by the blood of Christ, redeemed, and thus pure before God (1 Pet. 1:19). So if you’ve messed up and genuinely repent, then God looks at you through Christ. He sees His blameless Son, who has given you a new identity. So if you feel lousy because you have somehow compromised on sexual purity, don’t give up on yourself. Remember that your sexual past does not define you.

As Christians, we are called to shine like stars in a crooked and depraved generation, as blameless and pure children of God (Phil 2:15). It’s not easy. But the good news is, you are not alone. Young women across time and around the world have struggled and found victory. As sisters in Christ, let us cheer each other on as we run this marathon together!

TOP 5 TIPS:

1. Don’t journey alone! Seek out accountability partners, trusted friends or leaders you can share with.
2. Unsubscribe or unfollow any Instagram accounts or Youtube channels that cause you to fantasise.
3. Pay attention to the music you listen to. Think about what they are saying and what they mean.
4. Watch anime? Some of them and their related fan fiction contain strong romance and sexual themes. Be discerning about the content and if it stumbles you, watch something else.
5. Don’t be afraid to seek counselling if you need to. Sexual sins often stem from our hurts and require help from pastors or counsellors. It takes a brave girl to ask for help!

Check out these Bible verses:
– 1 Cor. 6:18-20
– 1 Cor 6:11
– Phi 1:9-11
– Phil. 2:14-15
– Col 3:5-10
– 1 Thess. 4:3-7
– 1 Pet. 1: 17-19
– 1 John 1:9
– James 5:16
– Rev. 19:7-8, 21:2

Love & Sexuality: What Does It Mean To Be Sexually Pure?

Alicia Heng — Tue, 24 Sep 2019 04:00:00 +0000

“What does it mean for us to stay sexually pure in a relationship?”

This is such an important question, and we value your desire to honour God in your relationship. Fundamentally, staying sexually pure is a commitment motivated by love for others and a desire to honour God. You seek to cherish the other because you recognise them as God’s sacred creation (Gen 1:27; Ps 139:13–18). As sexual relations bond two beings in the deepest way as one, the Bible teaches us that it should be reserved for the context of a covenant marriage (Mark 10:6–9; Heb 13:4).

Practically, sexual purity is not simply tied to a particular behaviour or action. For example, you could refrain from having actual intercourse with your boyfriend, but if you then channel those desires into other physically intimate acts or fantasies about physical intimacy with him, that’s not purity the way Jesus talks about.

Remember that in Matthew 5:28, Jesus says, “But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart”. Clearly, purity according to Jesus is not about your actions; it’s about what’s in your heart!

What then can you do to help each other stay sexually pure?

1. Guard against sexual arousal leading to unrestrained physical intimacy

Physical intimate acts at whichever degree can stir up deeper emotions and intense sexual desires. Arousing each other in this way makes it difficult to stay sexually pure physically and mentally. Thus, Song of Songs 8:4 instructs us, “do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires” (that is, until it is ready at the right time).

Know what heightens arousal (e.g. deep kissing, caressing, and fondling) and refrain from that by discussing and agreeing on clear boundaries. It is not about suppressing but submitting your desires and affections to God in order to honour God and the one you love.

2. Respect each other’s bodies and emotions

A good guiding question could be, “How can I express love for my boyfriend without claiming more of his body and emotions than I should?” Draw the line at what communicates love respectfully, versus what feeds sexual desires and fantasy. Sexual intimacy is not the only way to express love. Love can be powerfully expressed in listening, forgiving, apologising, encouraging, and so on.

3. Teaming up to fight temptation TOGETHER

Instead of teasing and thus arousing each other sexually, build up your teamwork to fight temptation together. Regularly review your relationship together with a trusted and godly mentor for reinforcement and input.

If your relationship has already crossed certain lines of sexual intimacy, your mentor can pray with you and provide spiritual and emotional support to deal with it. Do not fall into a spiral of self-condemnation but seek forgiveness from each other. Again, discuss the issue with your boyfriend, share your feelings and draw up helpful boundaries together. Seek God together and invite Him to lead.

Love & Sexuality: When Am I Ready To Date?

Kallos Team — Wed, 24 Jul 2019 04:00:00 +0000

“How will I know that I am ready to start dating?”

In my (Shi Yun) opinion, it’s not so much about when to date as it is about who and how you date! Dating seems to be a most natural step to take when girl meets boy, they like each other, and then, boom! We announce on social media that we are together. However, did you know that there was no such thing as “dating” in biblical times? Family units were closely knit; parents were on the lookout for suitable spouses for their children; they would already know the families of potential candidates and saw best the kind of partners for their children.

Even though the thought of your parent choosing your spouse might be horrifying to you, there is a crucial lesson here: lean on the wisdom of the people you trust (such as your parents or church leaders) to help you assess whom, when, and how you should date.

“Dating” means different things to different people, but for me, dating should not be undertaken casually, as it is a time to assess if you and the person you are interested in are suitable to marry each other. Even if it ends with you deciding to part ways, it is not a failure if you come to a prayerful, reasonable, and kindly expressed conclusion on whether you are suitable marriage partners.

If you are ready for that, then dating is a time for you to explore the possibility of marriage with someone of the opposite sex through a healthy friendship, being accountable to God and mature Christian counsel until there is clarity that God is indeed leading both of you (or not!) on the journey toward marriage. Readiness to date, then, isn’t about passing a certain age, how much you think you love a person, or even being marriage material. It’s about having the maturity to approach dating in this way: knowing that the when is not as important as who God is leading you to, and how you can both spur each other on to love God more!

“How can I walk with my Christian friends who struggle with same-sex attraction (SSA)?”

I (Benita) thank God for your desire to walk with your Christian friends with SSA on what may be a long, arduous, and often lonely journey lasting a lifetime. Here are some thoughts from the Word and from my own experience of walking with friends who struggle with SSA: the list is not exhaustive though!

Encourage them to pursue holiness, not heterosexuality.

First Corinthians 6:9-11 are key verses to remember that all of us are sinners, washed and saved by the blood of Christ; all of us then called to holy living (1 Peter 1:15-16). But holiness is more than just about sexuality, so don’t make SSA the main or only thing. Walk with your friends as fellow Christians seeking holiness in every part of life. Being same-sex attracted doesn’t change their fundamental identity of calling as a Christian.

Be a listening ear and friend, not an eager fixer.

If they’ve allowed you to walk on this journey with them, thank God for this privilege! Resist trying to change them – that is God’s work, not yours. Have empathy for their struggles and seek to understand them. May your presence be like Christ who shared life and walked with the broken.

Pray for them regularly.

Ask the Father for them not to be “cured”, but to experience Christ’s healing presence in their struggle, for the church to have the Holy Spirit’s guidance in creating a safe environment, and for yourself to have God’s love in walking with them. Don’t stop praying!

Last but not least, talk to the friends about seeking a mature youth mentor or pastor to be accountable to. Encourage them not to carry this alone as we are one body in Christ, and they may be able to provide further support for both of you.

Love & Sexuality: How Do You Know If A Guy Is “The One” God Has Given You?

Alicia Heng — Fri, 24 May 2019 04:00:00 +0000

“How do you know if a guy is “the one” God has given you?”

This is a question that I’m sure most girls have! I affirm your desire to discern God’s “right guy” for you, but the truth is that there isn’t just that “one” guy for you who, if missed, would make anyone else a wrong choice. That said, there are some things to consider when praying and thinking about whether a guy is a good choice for you:

1. Calling

... in terms of identity

As God’s children, we are drawn to love Him and walk in His ways (1 Pet 2:9; Matt 22:37–38). Does this guy encourage you to love God more and actively seek out people who will help him to love God more?

... in terms of vocation

Some of you may have received a specific calling from God, for example, to be a social worker or a doctor. You don’t need to have the same vocation, but would you be willing and able to affirm and support each other’s callings?

2. Compatibility

Sharing your faith and values is as important as having fitting personalities or “chemistry”. What you believe and what you think is important undergird all your decisions and responses. Are your beliefs, values and life goals compatible?

This is a question that I’m sure most girls have!

3. Communication

Are you both able to be genuine and honest with each other? Can you handle conflicts together in a way that pleases God?

Seeking God first will develop depth in your perspective. As I prayed through my own relationship, God surfaced important issues we had to work through, and it was through the passage of time, understanding each other better, and finding alignment in our faith, values and goals that I sensed God affirming me to say, “Yes” when my boyfriend proposed.

On top of that, the input we can get from our church leaders, pastors and parents are invaluable and should not be overlooked. They can often see things about ourselves and our relationships that we are not able to see. Don’t be afraid to seek their advice and be open to what they have to say.

So, keep asking God every step of the way. And remember that even if you take a “wrong” step. He will surely redirect you to the right path (Psa 139:23-24).